May 2006 — FD/MM/FM

"This Is My Place"

By Angie (24), Mexico

I grew up in South America and Japan, but when I was a JETT my dad got very sick, and our family felt it was best to slow down a bit, so we moved to Guam and switched to TS status. We still witnessed, just at a more relaxed pace so that my dad could keep up. We were in the States with other TS brethren for almost eight years. When I turned 18 my parents decided to return to CM status, and we moved to Mexico. Around that time I started thinking about the System, and wondered what that life would be like out there. Two of my brothers were out of the Family and it seemed to be a cool life for them. I was indecisive; sometimes I thought about only being in the Family, and then at other times I wanted to live a secular life.

After my 21st birthday, I went to California and joined an SGA Home in San Diego. We lived in separate apartments and had our own schedules, and basically didn't act like Family members at all, even though on paper we were a Family Home. We never witnessed, but did some ballooning on the weekends, and helped out with a yearly CTP in Mexico. I was in that situation for nine months before I decided to leave the Family.

Before leaving, I received a prophecy about my leaving where the Lord told me, "You're not going to progress as much as you think you will. All the forward progress you think you're making will actually be steps backwards." That's just what happened. For the first two years out of the Family I had fun being more independent. I was making a fair amount of money by ballooning on the weekends, and the other five days a week I'd spend most of my time working out at a gym.

I didn't want to go into debt for my education like my older brothers had (nine years later, they're still paying for theirs), so I worked toward saving up money first. Then I decided to buy a better, newer car, as I needed something I was proud of. It's funny that I'd used to think how stupid some people were for thinking that if they drove a nicer car they would be better and cooler people, but now I was starting to think like that myself.

I had money, a car, a cell phone, friends, an apartment, and my independence. But after awhile, those things became empty; they were cheap thrills. I did drugs too, just for the experience, but that didn't make me happy either. Even my good friends didn't really care about me. Most people in the System might like you or get along or have fun partying with you, but they don't have the real genuine sincere love that Family members have. It's just not there.

My family would visit me on their visa trips from their Home in Mexico and would encourage me to rejoin, but my response was always, "No, there are still things I have to do out here." But I started to realize that no matter what I accomplished in the System there was always going to be something else to do or experience. I remember listening to a Family CD my parents had left with me and picturing myself in the Family again, but then I thought how cool it would be to stay in the System. I wavered a lot.

I thought I needed some real-job experience, so I got a job as a legal assistant and then was moved to the collection department. Even though I had a steady job, my bank account would be almost at zero by the time I had finished paying the month's bills. I was always stressed and exhausted, to the point that I stopped going to the gym, which was like death for my proud, shallow self.

I hated my job, and the people I worked with were so depressing to be around. My bosses and coworkers encouraged me to lie (well, they worded that slightly differently, of course), to cheat, and to antagonize people. Making people feel stupid actually got to me at first, but then I got used to it. Everything was still going alright for me, but I was now working seven days a week—five at my job and two ballooning.

One weekend I drove to the ballooning spot I had been going to since before I'd left the Family, and was told that due to a complaint, I couldn't come anymore. I was shocked. The very next day when I went to my parking space, my nice car was gone—stolen. I started freaking out.

I didn't understand what was going on with my life. I thought that maybe the Lord was punishing me because I wasn't in His highest will, but then I thought, No! He has to take care of me, 'cause I'm still one of His children. And sure enough, He was. Anything seemingly bad that did happen was a blessing in disguise. Three months later, the insurance company still wouldn't give me the money for my car, or even tell me what was going on in their investigation. In the System, even the people who are supposed to be on your side try to cheat you, and I was so thankful when I finally did get the check, which covered the purchase of my replacement car.

Right around that time my oldest brother, Jamie, and a few people from his Home came up from Mexico on a visa trip. A few days before heading back, he invited me to watch The Passion of the Christ with him. I'm kind of a sissy when it comes to graphic scenes in movies, but I ended up watching the whole movie through, although I cried a lot (like I'm sure a lot of people who saw the movie did).

I went home that night and sat in my car outside my apartment and called out to the Lord, "What, Lord? What do You want me to do?" I don't remember everything He told me, but He did say that He wanted me back. So I said "Okay, Lord, I will!" and went to bed without second thoughts.

But the next morning when I woke up, I went though some battles and told myself, Well, maybe the Lord meant later. So I prayed again, hoping to hear that later was the Lord's plan. The Lord instead told me that if I didn't come back then it would be too late for me. I wasn't sure if the Lord was trying to tell me I was going to die or what. I cracked open a Daily Bread that I'd held onto and started to read the first thing I saw, which happened to be the Letter "Is It Too Late?"

When I first started reading it, I was like, Lord, this doesn't really apply to my situation, but He told me to just keep reading. I read all the way through and was amazed. I decided I was going to give my all to the Lord. I had peace inside after that. All the other times when I'd made a decision about my future plans, I didn't have that peace. Now I did, and I didn't even know how it was all going to work out.

I quit my job and had to sell my new car and tell my roommate I was leaving. I told the Lord, "She's got to not get along with me anymore and actually want me to leave," and that's what happened. But then the two weeks that I still had to live around her began to look pretty bad, and since it was now so difficult to live with her, I made another fleece and asked the Lord to change her and that she'd be nice—and that also happened. There were a few more fleeces along the way that I made just to make absolutely sure I was doing the right thing, and they were all fulfilled.

So here I am, back in the Family. I am glad to be back. Sure, it's been a little rough, and I've definitely had some tough battles and almost felt like giving up. But the Lord has kept me, and I've made it through them. I'm so happy to be here. This life makes me happy. And most of all, living for Jesus makes me happy. There is no other place I want to go! There isn't anywhere else that I'd rather be! I love you, Mama and Peter, for keeping the Family going.

Right before I left the Family I'd gone to an Activated meeting, and Heart, a girl whom I'd met in Mexico City, sang 'The Life of a Missionary.' That song stuck with me when I was in the System and I'd catch myself singing it, and would get choked up, and it would make me wonder what I was doing out in the System anyway.

A Street Fighter—Now in the Streets for Jesus

By Richard (19), Mexico

I was born into but not raised in the Family. My parents left when I was five, and moved to the U.S., where we lived in a homeless shelter till I was eight. During that time the kids on the block would fight with me daily and I'd get beat up a lot. My eldest brother taught me how to fight, and that made me look up to him. All I ever wanted to be was like him. I started going to school when I was six. I was very good at math, but I didn't know how to read or write and had a difficult time learning.

My teacher didn't like me; she would even laugh at me and call me stupid when I would try to read. The kids in my class would laugh at me 'cause they knew I was homeless, and they also called me stupid. At first I would sit and cry, until my brother told me to not take it any longer, and after I started fighting back, they started to respect me and I gained a few friends. A couple of years later, my parents saved up money to get a house and I started going to a new school. Although this was in one of the worst parts of town, because of my previous experiences I thought the kids at this new school were all nerds.

When I was nine, my oldest brother joined a gang. At that time I had a friend at this new school who was a troublemaker just like me. We would break into classrooms to steal stuff and vandalize, or we'd steal his mom's cigarettes. One day I got busted by one of the teachers while breaking into a classroom. She had a meeting with my mom, my dad, the principal, and me. I remember getting in so much trouble, but what I remember most, and what moved me, was my mom crying. That really hurt. After that I tried to change, but within a year I went back to my old ways again. When I was 11, I still didn't know how to read, and my brother and I got kicked out of school. I started smoking weed and stealing liquor. Later, I even helped my friend (who was still in school) to steal the principal's car.

When I was 14, my brother straightened out his life and I didn't like it. After that I no longer looked up to him. I decided that I wanted to be the biggest, "baddest" gangster in the hood, and I started hanging out with people who were quite a bit older than I, and they had a pretty bad influence on me.

When I was 16, I started selling drugs, and also became a professed atheist. I hated anybody who had power over me. I hated the System, and I hated God, the Devil, Heaven, and Hell. I wanted my own power, and to have people working for me! I didn't want to take orders from anybody or anything. I started saying stuff like, "Do unto others before they do it to you," and I hated the thought of weakness or buckling down. I would fight to the death before I'd see something beat me, or else I'd become somebody's fool.

Around this time the boys in the hood started calling me Bad Buckin' Bill. A year later I started making lots of drug money, and became quite well known. The girls liked me 'cause I was making money, and they were using me because I had drugs, but I didn't care 'cause I was using them as well.

When I was 17, I had my own place. I thought I was happy and had everything I wanted, but this wasn't real happiness. My brothers and my sisters knew what I was doing and they thought it wasn't right, and they didn't want to be around me anymore. I started buying them stuff like games and DVDs, and would give money to my parents and older brothers and sisters. I thought I could buy their love with money, but after a while it didn't work anymore. At that time I began talking about suicide, just to get some attention from them. I spent some time in jail, but I didn't care anymore, because every time I went to jail, my family would care about me and pity me. I also figured that the time in jail would cause the homies from the hood I lived in to see me as a bigger and tougher gangster.

When I was 18, I started selling drugs to drug dealers. I was making so much money that I had people working for me. At that time I lost the place where I was living because there were too many people going there for stuff, and the owner knew something wasn't right. I moved back in with my mom and told her I'd pay extra for the rent.

One day when I was walking home, some policemen stopped me and found half a pound of weed on me. I went to jail that day and when I got out, I became more revengeful, only wanting to get back at the officials. I tripled the amount of drugs that I would carry on myself, just to show them that they couldn't scare me into being straight.

In the summer of 2004, we were having a flesh-family reunion. I had an auntie who had been in the Family for over 30 years, and all of her kids were born in the Family as well. I'd seen her and her kids around before, but I'd just thought they were all nerds or suckers, but I met them again at this family reunion. I noticed that some of the people who were at the reunion were not related to me, so I introduced myself and I asked them their names. One of the girls told me her name was Joanna. She gave me a big hug and said, "Jesus loves you!" At the time I wondered, How could Jesus ever love someone like me? but I didn't say anything. She had beautiful eyes and a matching smile. I thought she looked like an angel.

She asked me if I would go down to Mexico with them. I wanted to, but at the same time I told her that I couldn't because I had work to take care of in the States. My younger brother went back with them, though.

While he was in Mexico, I would send him money once in awhile, because I thought that if he got in trouble down there he could always come back. Then I lost my legal job, and my cousin again asked me to go to Mexico with them, so I agreed even though I didn't really want to go anymore.

When I arrived at their Home in Mexico everyone greeted me with a hug and kiss and said, "God bless you," or "God loves you," and every morning they would do the same thing. Deep down I felt that these people really cared about me, but at the same time I rejected it because I knew I didn't deserve such love. Throughout my life most people only pretended that they liked me 'cause they wanted drugs or money, but the longer I was there in the Family Home, the more I felt the stone wall that I had built around my heart melt away.

There were three girls who helped me change; they taught me how to care for others, but most importantly they taught me how to care for myself (because I was pretty sick when I arrived).—And they turned me on to the Great Physician, Jesus. I was there on vacation, and was only supposed to stay for two weeks because I had to go back home to continue my life, ha. But at the end of the second week, Joanna held me in her arms and asked me, "Can I keep you forever?" I almost cried, because the longer I was around them, the stronger I could feel the love of Jesus.

They also had me reading the Word, and in time, I felt my love for the Word grow stronger and stronger. That's when I knew I didn't ever want to go home, because no one had ever cared for me like this. My old friends would pretend that they cared for me only because they wanted something from me.

I'll probably never be able to explain it, but what I found was more to me than any pile of money I'd ever made, and any girl I'd ever had. It was even better than gold, and all the street power I could imagine.

I had found my paradise, and I knew this was where I wanted and needed to be. My destiny is to give my life for a great cause, and give Jesus to others. I had found my place and where I wanted to be.

I had been called.

Happy to Be Back

By Anne (18, of Amos and Faith), Australia

I rejoined the Family after being out for nearly four years. I come from a big family of 17 brothers and sisters. Over the years we've lived in India, Japan, the Philippines, the USA, and for the last few years, Australia.

Before leaving I began to doubt the Family and the Lord. I was slowly losing my faith and trust. As soon as I was old enough, I left the Family. I didn't believe in prophecy or in anything spiritual. I thought the world was just a bad place, that there was no hope, and that Jesus didn't care. Seven of my older brothers and sisters had left the Family years ago, and over time I was ingrained with a lot of negative things about the Family. There were many things I didn't understand, so I believed the bad things I was told.

Though I still loved Jesus and the Family, my many doubts pulled me away. I soon got into the world, being selfish and uncaring toward other people. My sister and I had the wrong kind of friends, mostly drug addicts, dealers, and heavy drinkers. They sometimes carried weapons and got into fighting, stabbing, running from the police, and taking and selling drugs. When you turn away from God, you can really get into trouble.

I thought that in the System I would have more than what I'd had in the Family. I thought I'd be happier. But I was very wrong. I was so sad. It's a hard life out there.

We are blessed to be in the Family. I looked at my life and what I saw was not good. Jesus had given me so much, but what had I given Him? I began praying—something I had not done in nearly four years.

I gave my life to Jesus and He gave me faith and trust. He changed me!

I started reading the Word and it helped me to understand a lot of the things that I had been misled about. I rejoined, and I'm so happy to be in the Family again!

"My Road to Dedication"

By Heidi (20), Tanzania

For each of us, there eventually comes a time of deciding whether or not we want to stay in the Family. Everyone's story is different, but whatever the Lord uses to get us to that point is for that one purpose of keeping us His called-out ecclesia.

In my case, I loved the Family and my mission field, but one day I moved from China to my mother's Home on an island in Norway, 800 km into the Arctic Circle. I was 15—at the age of decision, yet there seemed to be nothing for me to decide; my mom was changing to FM status and there were no open doors for me to move to a CM Home.

I'd been a dedicated missionary, learning one of the hardest languages in the world, learning to reach the locals, and one month later, "poof," I was way up north, doing nothing but looking at sheep and going to school.

On my second day of System school, like a true rebel, I walked out in the middle of class and started the hour-and-a-half walk home. Since I was a new student, they sent a teacher to look for me, and when I explained to him how pointless I felt life was, he suggested I try working at the kindergarten and pouring into to the children there, which I ended up doing later on.

However, after only a month I knew I'd had enough. It was winter and almost totally dark for months on end, and I felt my spirit becoming that way as well.

One day, with one leg over the banister of the bridge to the mainland, I prayed, "Lord, there can be no in-between. The Family is all I want, and if I can't have that, then I don't want to live!" Thankfully, my cell phone beeped. The Lord made me so intrigued to see who had sent me a message that I climbed off the railing. Soon after, a sweet family came by and picked me up and took me to their home for coffee, and then we drove all the way to my mom's place, but not before they'd called my relatives and the school principal.

That led to the school principal talking to my mom and me, and my being sent to a psychiatrist to see "if there was anything in my past that had caused this." I was sent to two different institutions for two months altogether, where I was surrounded by the loneliest teenagers and saddest doctors you could ever meet.

Freedom finally came when I told the Lord, "Look, I really don't like this life and situation up here, but I trust You. You know my heart. You know I don't want to be here, but I love You and I trust You. So just keep me close to You!"

It wasn't all sunshine and roses the next day, and although in my heart I wanted to be dedicated, during my two years in the System I ended up falling into a lot of bad habits. I rented an apartment from a crazy landlady, and lived alone while I was studying. I would drink moonshine and smoke with the other island people, and tried to "be tough" by watching horror movies.

In spite of all I did, the Lord kept His promise and fanned the desire in my heart to be in the Family. It was a test of faith to quit my job and school one year before completion, but as I obeyed, He paved the way for me to come to East Africa, where I have been for the past three years.

From all this I can very clearly say that I am so thankful for my place in the Family, and no matter how hard it gets, I would never think of any other place I'd want to be.

I have found that hard times are worth more than gold, and help to make you the best disciple ever!

"I Wanted Something More"

By Scythe (21), Nuklear Home, Thailand

was born in Bangkok, Thailand, on November 26th, 1984. When I was six months old, my mom left the Family and a year later my dad remarried and my sister, Sunny, was born. Shortly afterwards my brother, Jim, came along. When I was five, my stepmother also decided to leave the Family, and took my younger brother and sister with her. My dad and I followed shortly afterwards.

We struggled immensely the first few years, while trying to get on our feet. We moved from house to house, often living in one-bedroom houses. I remember one in particular that had lots of leaks in the roof, and the landlady had a thing for screaming at odd hours. My poor parents almost went insane. Both parents held 9-5 jobs and we kids went to a daycare center. However, my dad still somehow managed to remain positive, and we never missed our daily devotions and memory work.

Finally, we moved to a decent neighborhood where we lived until I was 11. Life there was more comfortable, but I remember it being very humdrum. Dad was always at work, and Mom and I were at each other's necks 24 hours a day, until I started going to public school.

When I was nine, we got back in contact with the Family. We started attending fellowships, and I thought it must be like Heaven to live in a Family Home—a place where everyone loves you, where you can trust your friends, and a place where you don't have to worry for your safety or that of your loved ones when you fall asleep.

Throughout all of the time that we were out, I would like to emphasize how much my dad poured into us kids in the way of the Word, and the importance of witnessing. How he managed to instill this in us on a daily basis, while keeping up with his other obligations, will always remain a mystery to me. But he did, and it's because of his faithfulness that I am here today.

We moved to the northeast and tried twice to join a Family Home, but it didn't work out. By then I had heard many views on the Family and, sad to say, most of them were real bad ones, but the more I heard the more I was intrigued by it.

I started going to public school again, and also continued studying at home. Sadly, however, the more I interacted with my friends, the more I wanted to be like them. I started getting tripped off in my own little world—my boyfriend, his friends, and the school scene.

When I was 13, we moved to Chiang Mai to rejoin again, but I started having doubts and questions. My faith was not strong and my convictions were weak. Rejoining didn't work out once again, and I turned bitter inside. I wanted to distance myself from everything, including the Lord.

My siblings and I started going to an international school, and that opened a whole new realm of thinking to me. I enjoyed having friends, but experience had taught me not to trust anyone. I worked hard to get the best grades, but I was turning into a different person, due to the strain and pressure. I was going crazy living with my mother, I broke up with my boyfriend, and got into more and more arguments with my dad. My siblings also started to avoid me, due to the ugly person I had become. I finally realized that I was having a nervous breakdown.

Through it all I still somehow felt the Lord's presence somewhere out there, waiting patiently for me to let Him back into my life. By the end of that school year, I had had enough. I was sick of that life, I was tired of home, and I wanted to run away. I realized I needed to get desperate with the Lord. I begged Him to do a miracle and put the pieces of my life back together before I did anything drastic that I would someday regret. He did!

Not long afterwards, Joanna, from the Phuket Home, came for a visit. I liked her spunk and positive attitude toward life—so opposite of how I felt. It was not long afterwards that I visited her Home. I loved it and decided to stay, only going back briefly to get my stuff.

The Family has been my lifesaver, and continues to be every day. I've never felt more love and trust anywhere else. Sure, I haven't been lacking in trials—the biggest was putting my family on the altar in order to serve the Lord. But when it really comes down to it, I know this is where I was meant to be.

I couldn't live a life without purpose—without one, I don't see why we should be alive. Who wants to be a photocopy of someone else? I don't!

A Part of This Revolution

By Esmeralda (19), Brazil

I was born in the Family and had a beautiful childhood filled with love. I was always traveling, moving from city to city, and I loved it.

When I was 12 or 13 years old, I began to get familiar with everything—Jesus, the Letters, the way of life in the Family, etc., and I thought it would be "cool" to be rebellious. I began listening to System music and having friends outside of the Family; I wished I could be like them.

On the other hand, when I would look at the Family I'd think it was a bore, though I wondered why I felt like that. I would look at the Book of Remembrance, the photos of the hippies who had started the Family, and I thought it was the coolest thing, but it seemed to me that that revolutionary spirit was dying. Where was it? What had happened? I knew I wouldn't find it in the System either, but at that point I didn't really care. Deep inside I still loved Jesus, Dad, and Mama, and I believed in this Revolution, but I couldn't feel or see it around me anymore. I thought, Once upon a time this was a Revolution, but now it isn't anymore.

At that time my parents were separating, and I was really angry because I'd been very close to both of them. So I began hating everything and everybody, and I thought that nobody understood how I was feeling and what I was going through. I started to get rebellious and wouldn't respect anybody.

Right after my parents separated, my dad got together with another woman … and, boy, did I become a monster! (Now I love her to pieces!) I told my dad that I wanted to leave the Family because I was so bored and I wanted to have a little fun. I thought, Why can't I have a "normal" life like everybody else? Why can't I go to regular school and have a boyfriend and other friends, like all the other kids my age?"

So when I was 14, I went to live with an FM family. Although they were still "in the Family," they lived like a normal System family. Their older son would smoke marijuana, so I started smoking with him. I went to a school to study; I thought I was finally having a "normal life." I started to get to know people around me and make friends. I met the neighborhood's drug dealer and I began dating him. He was 20 years old and I was only 14. He would always give me drugs, and pretty soon I was doing cocaine and even got into other heavier types of drugs. I had drugs for free whenever I wanted them. Then I got into helping him deal drugs around the city to other people. The cops wouldn't even think of stopping me, as I was not only a girl but also very young. So since they were less suspicious of me than of him, I ended up doing most of the "carrying around" of the drugs he was selling.

My life was becoming more sinister by the day. I would only walk around with a Gothic crowd. I'd only listen to heavy metal and I wore a bunch of chains everywhere. I would over drink every single day.

I was very feisty and had a dark spirit of anger. I would see a lot of demons and I regularly communicated with them. I lived in a dream world, but I know the Lord protected me. I remember one time when I was walking home after I'd smoked drugs, I was tripping on some little rocks on the floor and didn't even realize that I was standing right in the middle of a highway. When I looked to my side there was a bus about two meters away from me coming at full speed honking its horn. Man, I think I must have run with everything that was within me. I wouldn't stop because every time I looked behind me, it seemed like there were two shadows chasing me. I was so scared that I didn't stop running until I got home.

When I would walk down the streets, I would see demons in people's faces and they would look at me, as if challenging me. I didn't know if it was because I was high or if they really were real. Today I know that they were real! I was afraid of the dark because I felt that the demons were right behind me trying to get me, and during those hours I would think of Jesus because I knew He was the only One more powerful than all of them. But I didn't have the courage to call on Him because I was too ashamed.

I knew I wasn't doing the right thing, but what were my options? Go back to the Family? Never, I thought. I remember that when I would listen to heavy metal songs while getting high, the songs seemed to get distorted in my head and it sounded like demons talking to me, telling me very sinister things. It was like every song had a double meaning to it, and through the lyrics I could hear the demons urging me to hurt myself. Another time I had a trip in which I was falling in a whirlwind, falling into Hell, and while I was falling I could see various faces of demons. I thought I was gonna die. It was horrible!

Months passed and I became even more unhappy and unsatisfied with my life. I lived in a world where I wore a mask to hide the real me in order to be accepted by my "friends." When I smoked with them, it seemed as if I could see them just like in that movie, The Mask, when people would put on that mask, others could see how and what they were really like inside. It was the same thing with me; they were all empty and looked like little robots with the same conversations, so infantile! I could see inside of them, but it seemed I was the only one.

I wanted to get out of this; I wanted to be different. I tried talking to one of my friends about it, and he just laughed at me, saying how crazy I was. Yeah, I was, but at least I knew that what I was seeing was the truth. I was finally faced with and confronted by the truth and that made me feel uncomfortable because I knew what had to be done. I wanted a way to escape from all my problems, but I didn't want to admit that smoking weed was the wrong way to do it. But once convicted by the truth there is no way of escaping from it; it's uncomfortable until you do something about it.

I always loved Jesus, but I was embarrassed to talk to Him because I thought I was too great a sinner and that He wouldn't want to talk to me. I lived in constant agony, in a fake reality that I was "happy," when in truth I wasn't.

I felt a weird emptiness that I had never felt before. I had plenty of "friends," but I still felt very alone. If I rejoined the Family I didn't want something lukewarm, so I asked the Lord for a challenge. I wanted a revolution. Around that time I had a huge argument with a girl I was living with. I got so angry that I almost hit her; I just didn't because supernaturally I felt something stopping me from doing it. (When I would get like that, I felt as if I would get possessed because I would feel a strength inside of me that wasn't mine.) I wasn't only mad at her but I was sick of everything. So I ran out of the house and hid myself for a long time. Then while I was in my little hiding place I had a serious conversation with the Lord. I asked Him to do something drastic soon to change my life.

Suddenly I started feeling so weird, as if I was high. It felt like I wasn't really there anymore, but at the same time I was. I don't know how to explain it well. But then I heard Jesus speaking to me so clearly. I actually felt Him right beside me, and He said that He really wanted me. I don't remember the exact words, but I felt so much love and peace, something I hadn't felt in a very long time. He told me to give Him a chance in my life, and to start right now by throwing away all of my System music, my weed, and my Gothic bracelets, necklaces, and rings.

That day I made a deal with Jesus. I told Him I was going to give Him one last chance. Then as soon as I got up, I started to feel an incredible love for the girl I had just argued with. It was so funny I started laughing. I wasn't feeling angry or nervous anymore! So I went and got all my things and put them inside a huge plastic bag. I hugged the girl and told her that I wasn't angry at her anymore, and told her that I was going to throw all my drugs away. I remember asking her to do it because I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to. But she thought that I had gone crazy, and that I was just saying that to make her happy, so I finally mustered up the inner strength to do it myself.

From then on things started getting better for me and my spiritual life, and most important of all, I started to have a hunger for the Word.

My dad would visit me sometimes, and on one of those visits he showed me parts of a Letter that had come out after I'd left, "The Keys to the Kingdom" (ML #3318). He read little parts to me, and as he did I could feel shivers of excitement running through my body; each word was like a drop of water in a dry desert. I was famished for the words of David.

Before leaving the Family I had never treasured the Letters, but now I finally saw that they weren't something corny or embarrassing, but were in fact the greatest trip I had ever experienced. I seemed to be on a high from each word that I read from the Letters. I finally realized that I was missing out on a lot by not being in the Family. Each time I would read more of the Letters those words would fill my spirit more and more.

The time came when I said, "That's it! I want to join the Family!" I finally felt the fire of the Family, of that Revolution I was after!

I realized that I'd been born for a reason. I was born to be a revolutionary, not to lead a life like everyone else out there, or even like I'd lived in the Family previously, but to live the real revolutionary spirit that I knew was within the Family.

I started to tell all of my friends that in truth I was a missionary, and that Jesus was the most far-out Dude ever, the first and most revolutionary Person Who had ever existed on the face of the Earth, and that I was going to serve Him. Man, they thought that this time I'd really gone crazy. I told them that I hadn't taken anything, and that I was high on Jesus—and that's when they laughed at me even harder and said that I had definitely gone mad. I couldn't care less. I knew that Jesus was so far-out and crazy that even the ones who called themselves "crazy" couldn't understand His craziness, ha!

That was it for me! I rejoined the Family in a Home that had a number of young people who were in the same sort of situation I had previously been in and were just rejoining as well. It was really cool. Everyone was so on fire, and to me it felt like it must've been in the beginning days of the Family. We were going through our Babes' Course, and that's when the "rules" began and I was faced with the same trials I'd had before in the Family. Eventually I wanted to leave again. That's when my dad traveled to the city where my Home is now. He went there to visit Paulo, an old friend who'd started a work with the youth in that city. He came back inspired, telling me that there was a major revolution going on in that city with the young people. He told me how it would be cool if I gave it a try over there, so I did, and I've been here for the past four years.

Now I have a totally different perspective. I have seen that to be revolutionary means to live the spirit of the Letters, not the letter of the law. If we look for problems in the Family, we will find them. But, after all, the Family is made up of humans, and where there are humans, there will always be mistakes. "He has chosen the weak things to confound the mighty."

Since rejoining I have learned the importance of obeying out of love for the Lord, to be conscious of my attitudes, and know that there will always be consequences. This way I don't follow the rules out of duty, but rather out of love. Before I didn't like rules, but now I have realized that there will always be some rules, no matter where we go. Mankind needs rules; otherwise this world would be a huge mess. We are the ones who choose which rules we want to obey and whom we want to follow, God or the Devil. And boy, I'll tell you, I'd much rather be under the Lord's yoke, because after all I have been through, I can affirm that even though the other side seems to be sugarcoated, inside it's nothing more than a deadly poison, which I fell for time and again while in the System.

The world offers you freedom, but after you're out there you realize that you're only wrapped up in chains, and if you want to get out you have to do so with much effort. I have learned that to be free doesn't mean to do whatever you please or go wherever you want, but to be free means to obey Jesus. There is no greater happiness, peace, or freedom than to be in the center of His perfect will!

Sometimes we forget what we're really here for, and we start to look too much at our little problems. We forget that we're here to change the world and fight the battle that is being waged in the spirit world. We're not here to live in a cozy little Home and to do what we feel like doing; we're here to fight against Satan and his forces and to win this world with love. Grandpa had this dream, and now I want to live that dream, and I have decided that I will carry this torch on ahead and nothing will stop me! I have already wasted enough of my life for nothing, but now I am determined to do something with it.—I want to give it to a greater cause. It's better to give my life for something, to die for something, than to live for nothing.

I have always wanted to live for a radical cause. To me it's either all or nothing, and the reason why I'm here in the Family is because I have found the Revolution I want and am willing to give my life for. That's why I'm in the Family!

It's not easy to fight for this cause. It's not a bed of roses; and sometimes I feel like I can't go on any further because the battles are hard. But it's been at times like that when I have felt Jesus right beside me telling me not to give up, that all I had to do was to hold on a little longer. I have felt Him hold me in His arms, and when I felt there was no strength left within me, I could feel Him doing the work for me. It's wonderful to feel His strength. I have realized that He wants us to feel weak so that in this weakness His strength can be manifested.

What gives me the strength to keep on going is the time I spend in the bed of love with Jesus. That is my addiction. I am in love with Jesus and with this Revolution. Our cause is the best cause. We are on the winning side, so let's go forth and conquer this world with love for Jesus!