July 15, 2003
FSM CM/FM
12/99
Copyright © 1999 by The Family
I want to be remembered when I’m gone, even if it’s just by a few precious Mexican people whose lives I’ve touched.
By Joan (of Seek and Servant), Mexico
I guess I should start with why I left. I’d been in the States since I was ten. Back then the Homes were big Combos and we lived by faith, but not really like missionaries. I guess you could say I had gotten very familiar with the Family and every new Letter, I thought, said the same thing. I was extremely bored. There was always plenty to do, but it seemed that in those big situations a small group carried the load for the whole Home, and a lot of folks sat around and did nothing. I guess the never-ending dishes, meals, etc., just got to me. I figured I could do the exact same thing and get paid for it, so I decided to leave.
But right at that time I got PG, I had just turned 17 so I waited out my pregnancy and then left. I had gone through some rough times for a while that really upset me. It was easy to say, Well, they mistreated me, so I’m outta here. I was pretty bitter. Things just got out of hand with some people and I couldn’t forsake it in my heart, so I felt perfectly justified leaving.
I hear so many crazy stories from friends of mine who have left and totally weirded out, trying everything they never could do in the Family, but I never really got into that. I always worked hard, and as far as drugs, etc., I never went that far. I think I really have to thank my parents for that, for the way I was raised. It was always so clear to me what was right and wrong. Also having a daughter, I had to stay somewhat sober for her sake. I lived with my sister, which was good. We’d help each other, and it was nice to have a friend.
Once while I was working at a restaurant, my boss wanted to test me to see where I was at. He called me into the back and was trying to offer me some oregano he had shoved into a little paper roll, leading me to believe it was drugs. Since I’d never really been in contact with drugs, I believed him, and I was so disgusted with him for bringing drugs into the workplace. He kept being really pushy and I kept telling him no. My sister, who was working there at the time, was in on it, and she started bugging me, saying, Take it, to see what I’d do. I couldn’t believe her. Finally she said, I’ll take one and you take one. She put one in her pocket, and I just turned to leave the restaurant. Finally they laughed and told me it was a joke. Can you imagine how completely embarrassed I would have been if I had accepted it? I was just so thankful that I stood up to my boss, because he knew my whole story of being raised a missionary.
All that to say, I never completely fit in. I tried several jobs, and all of them paid pretty well. But I’d always pick up and go visit my parents, just to be able to stay close to the Family.
It was hard being alone with my daughter, juggling work and childcare. In the Family, so many people are willing to help with her, but out there you have to pay someone for every hour, and unless you have a great job you’re basically working to pay the babysitter. So that got old real quick.
I’d switch jobs and I’d think, This is it. It’s gonna work out. I’ll be happy now. But eventually you just find yourself doing the same thing every day again, and it’s very humdrum.
I think kids in the Family have this glorified idea about how they will make it in the System-and some do. But so many things that we take for granted here in our Homes are hard to come by outside the Family. There is financial pressure in the Family, and, yes, most of the time before I left my witnessing was fundraising, but there was nothing like the pressure to make money out there. You have to buy every little thing—every piece of fruit, gallon of milk and pair of panties. We get so much donated to us as missionaries, it’s just incredible. But when you aren’t living by faith, there’s rent and electricity and food and clothes, and of course you have to be cool and get the insanely expensive brands. Plus if you have a long distance boyfriend like I did, the phone bills just kill you.
Sure there’s the freedom. You can get in your car and leave whenever. You can watch whatever videos or movies you want, and set your own standard. But eventually you want to buy more and more, and you just become a slave to your job, which you usually hate, but you do it just so you can keep up with all your payments.
My parents had started a work in Mexico, and I visited for a one-month vacation in ‘97. I just couldn’t leave, so I ended up staying for about six months. That’s when I started thinking about what I was doing. It was just so great to be a part of some real missionary work, like you see in the movies about Hudson Taylor or that lady in China [Gladys Aylward, in The Inn of the Sixth Happiness]. I was very happy.
I went back to the States for another year, and then returned for Christmas and decided I had to be a part of the Mexico work. I felt so isolated in the U.S., like so much was happening in Mexico. I would just go back to my little apartment in Atlanta, which didn’t seem so appealing any more. So I finally did it! I decided to leave the U.S.
It took me over a year of going back and forth. One day I’d say, This is it! I’m joining! Then I’d think, Nah, I’m too used to being on my own. I could never obey leadership again. But the night I finally decided, it was the most incredible feeling. It almost felt like when I had Jaimie, my daughter. Afterward I felt like I could fly! It was just an overnight change. I went from being so unsure in life one day, and not at all knowing what my future held—to just KNOWING. I felt so free and happy. I am so inspired with life and anxious to see what my future holds.
In a way, I wish I could give you some wild story, like Yeah, I tried drugs, Satanism, porn, and the whole thing, and it’s just not where it’s at, but I can’t. I lived a pretty normal life out there, and had a normal job and did my best to raise Jaimie, but it just still wasn’t the same. I really believe with all my heart that there are so few who are chosen, even though many are called. I think it’s something inside you no one can put there.
I have several brothers and a sister who are not in the Family and are doing excellent. All power to them! Personally, I never felt comfortable digging in out there. I never really felt like I was home. You have to just let them do it and go through their thing, and if it’s inside of them to serve the Lord fulltime, then they will always come around. As long as parents have done everything they could to constantly pour into their children and give them an excellent foundation (which by the grace of God, I hope I can do for my little one), then the rest is up to God.
I have to give so much credit to my parents—the way they raised us was just very Godly. I know it sticks with every one of us, even the ones who aren’t in the CM Family. We were always very Christian and prayed, and stuck to our morals.
I remember once memorizing something about being God’s elite troops. It’s weird, because I started working for a modeling agency called Elite, and every time I’d see the name I’d think of that quote. (See box on this page.)
[In a box]
The Elite Troops!
Those who go into the most dangerous battles, the most challenging circumstances, are the few choice, qualified, gifted ones who are willing to go over and above the call of duty. They are the elite troops, the strongest, the most unified, who receive the most intense, personal, specialized training. Often these specialized troops lead the way into the most dangerous battles—those which are often the most crucial to winning the war. Many turning points hang on the actions, abilities and courage of these few chosen, and often unseen, elite troops.
You, My men and women of faith, are like these elite troops, the avant-garde, the few chosen soldiers who lead the way, who do the impossible missions, who snatch victory from the jaws of defeat through your sheer determination, courage, and faith! The weapons of your warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God, to the tearing down of strongholds. Your power is greater than that of earthly armies and soldiers because you wield My power, and offer men the chance to live forever (ML #3140:11,15).
[End of box]
My modeling work began when I was driving home one day thinking how much I hated work. I heard something on the radio saying, Fulfill your dream, come to our seminar, you can be a model, etc. So I raced home all excited, thinking that this could be my big break, and then went to seminar. It was a pretty big deal, all rah rah to get you into it, and then they say, If you want the agents to interview you, you have to pay 400 dollars and come to this three-day thing. In the long run you end up having to pay quite a bit just to get in there. You have to make up your own portfolio to have on hand which is another couple hundred dollars because photographers are so expensive. And then you have to update your pictures in the portfolio every couple of months because fashions and trends change so quickly.
You hear so many stories about how you can make a couple hundred dollars an hour as a model, but to get to that point, unless you have incredible contacts in high places, it’s a long hard road, dishing out a lot of money along the way. If you ever have to travel, the fare comes out of your check, and while away from home you stay in these little model apartments where they crowd seven or eight girls into a tiny place which you also have to pay for. And the girls aren’t exactly pros on communal living, either. I didn’t do a whole lot of modeling, just a few jobs here and there, which in no way compensated for all the money and time spent getting the jobs.
In my first interview with my agent, she said I needed to start a series of facials, which were between 50 and 80 bucks apiece. Then on my way out, just real quick and casual, she said, Oh, and we need you down to 120 lbs. Being all of 5 feet and 10 inches, I was shocked. They had given me this big talk about being healthy and eating well and I saw it was all such a show. You have to be so malnourished, it’s ridiculous. It’s so crazy that people put their health at risk to get so skinny like that.
I didn’t last very long at modeling. You have to be able to pick up and go for any length of time, and with a baby that wasn’t possible. But I was glad to experience it, because I had always had the thought in the back of mind, Maybe I should model. Now that I’ve been there, I see it’s not all they make it out to be. It’s quite a rip-off.
There are some luxuries there in the States that I miss, like endless hot water, air con, heat in winter, traffic laws, etc. But in no way does it compare to feeling good all day and knowing that I’m laying up treasures in Heaven.
Mama, I just wanted to thank you for the opportunity to join again. I would apologize for the years I spent out of the Family, but I know they were good for me, to bring me to the feeling I have now. I think I had to have it taken away, in order to truly appreciate it. I love you and everything you stand for. I’m so glad you’re willing to be changing all the time and trying new things.
I know with all my heart that I have finally found my place and will do everything I can to be the best there is. I feel like, Why just be here, when I can take it so far and put my very soul into it? I want to be remembered when I’m gone, even if it’s just by a few poor Mexican people whose lives I’ve touched. At least that’s something. I feel like that song that Don Quixote sings in the movie Man of La Mancha that says: This is my quest, to follow that star. and I know if I’ll only be true to this glorious quest that my heart will be peaceful and calm. ...
You may not remember, Mama, but just as I was leaving the Family, you sent me the most beautiful prophecy that someone on your staff had gotten for me. I’ve kept it with me always and felt so honored that you knew who I was. It was such a hard time for me. I didn’t want to have a baby, especially when I was leaving. I wanted to go places, so I resented her, but the prophecy just went on and on about what a gift she is to me, and now I know she is. I would be lost without her. She’s my taste of Heaven. Thank you for taking the time to pray for me.
When I was already out of the Family, I met Peter at a fellowship in Washington, D.C. I didn’t get to talk to him, but it was so amazing for me to see how wonderful he was, putting up with all these ex-members that wanted someone to complain to. He sat there all day listening to all their stories, and then he washed their feet. That was one of the most beautiful things I’d seen. I’ll never forget it.
I was flipping through all my old papers right after I decided to join and I found something I had written down during the Fast of ‘94. I can’t even really remember writing it down, but it’s my writing and it’s dated, and it’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever said. You were talking to us teens, and you said: Please give the Family another chance, by yielding and obeying and trying to do your part, while we, your shepherds and parents, do our part. We can wipe the slate clean of all past sins, mistakes, problems and bad attitudes, and start over afresh! The Lord’s love and forgiveness will carry you through, and you can never be too bad for Him, as long as you repent, turn around and start doing what needs to be done to change. Jesus loves you and He’ll never let you down, if you’ll just turn to Him and trust Him (Getting Back On Track with Jesus, Part Two, ML #2891:180, Vol.21). It wasn’t like me to copy things down from the Letters, but I guess the Lord knew one day I’d need that.
Well, that’s it! I love you and everyone so much, and I hope that I can make a difference here.
Love, Joan
My desire is to help others with my testimony.
From Gabriel (son of Phoebe), Brazil
I’m 18, born and raised in the Family. When I was 15, I began to be interested in heavy rock music. I didn’t want to know whether it was good or diabolical.—I thought I would just enjoy the heavy sound and that the lyrics wouldn’t influence me at all. But I was completely deceived, as the Devil just used that idea to slowly take control of my mind. Consequently, I began to like the lyrics and not just the sound. The Devil began taking over my thoughts, and my life began to change. My thoughts weren’t the same anymore.
I left the Family and started living alone. I began to be aggressive with people and began to desire new heavier metal. I would only listen to groups that did music like Trash, Death and Black Metal. I realized that my tastes for life and for normal things had changed, and now I preferred stuff like death, blood, etc. I would only think about destruction, dead people, skeletons, cemeteries—that kind of stuff.
After a Death Metal concert, some friends and I decided to go to an old abandoned cemetery, where we took some drugs and talked about the Devil and Hell. At dawn I had what you could call a real nightmare. I had a vision of Hell! I saw a guy with a goat’s head, dressed in a black tunic. He told me that Hell wasn’t all that bad, but that it was a city. After that, whenever I’d go to sleep I’d hear screaming, I’d see demons and I’d feel like I was in Hell. The demons would be scraping my body; they would torment me every night. I couldn’t sleep anymore and I didn’t know what to do.
I got desperate then, and began to read the Bible. Jesus showed me that I had to get away from everything I was listening to and reading-but I didn’t have the strength to do that. So I went to visit the Family Home where my mom and brothers were, and I asked for prayer. I opened my heart to them, and they prayed for me. We repeated the deliverance prayer together. So Jesus gave me the strength. I got all my dark CDs, T-shirts, talismans, satanic magazines, posters, etc., and we made a bonfire with them! My mom, her husband, my brother and I prayed earnestly, quoting the Word for a good while. I saw a black object coming out of me which even made noise, a loud scream, when it went through the bars of the window.
[In a box:]
Question: Gabriel talks about being tormented by evil spirits, and then he says that when he and his family prayed, he saw this black object come out of him. Didn’t Dad say that evil spirits, while they can oppress us saved folks, cannot inhabit or possess us?
Answer: We cannot be completely possessed or taken over by evil spirits, however they can for sure bother us and torment us, if we leave them an open door. Once we’ve opened that door, and entertain thoughts or ideas or images from the evil side of the spirit world, it can be a fight to get rid of these influences. But the Lord is much much stronger, and when we pray and rebuke these bad spirits, they have to flee! Here’s a passage from Dad on that subject from The Lord Is My Deliverer: Like the story I’ve frequently told of Mr. Machowski and that evil spirit, Tom, who continued to plague him even after he got saved. It no longer possessed him, but it annoyed him from the outside—oppression, not possession. It wasn’t until Machowski finally opposed it and fought back and definitely commanded Tom to depart in the name of Jesus that he finally got the victory.
Such cases who have come out of the occult or out of any kind of spiritual dabbling or involvement with the Enemy have to baptize themselves continually in prayer, soak themselves in the Word, memorize and quote Scriptures constantly to the Devil and to themselves. They have to wage a militant warfare against the Enemy! Now we all have to do this to a certain extent, but it’s not quite the same.
Those who have been involved in that sort of thing, who have once been a channel for the Enemy, they often tend to sort of carry those things with them, unless they really have strong faith and can really fight them!—Which usually requires desperate united prayer, a full baptism of the Holy Spirit, and a constant militant warfare waged against the Enemy with the Sword of the Spirit, the Word of God! The only way to get a total victory over such past influences is to be honest, confess it, name it, attack it, fight it and defeat it! (ML #2427: 24,26,27, Vol.18).
[End of box]
After this whole process I immediately felt light and full of hunger for the Word! I began to get into the Word more, and I also began to see the true love that my mom and my brothers had for me. In the Family there’s true love, and I feel it’s the best place to serve the Lord.
Now all that interests me is Jesus, and I want to serve the Lord in the Family! Please pray for my strengthening in the Word and for my connection with the Lord, because my desire is to help others with my testimony.
From Christy (15), Thailand
I was born in the Family, and became a Fellow Member when I was 6 or 7. From then on I went to System school. I basically had a System life, cut off from a lot of Family contact. The Family sample I saw was of burned-out teens, not really on fire for the Lord, so that didn’t make the Family that attractive for me. My dad faithfully tried to give us the Word, and told us that the Family was the best place to be, but he could never convince me. All I wanted was just to be happy and to live my own life.
When I turned 13, I went to high school and got into all kinds of trips. I was going along with everything—listening to all kinds of music, going out at night sometimes, and secretly getting into drinking with my friends a bit here and there. In the beginning everything was so new and exciting and I thought this was IT! But it only made me happy for a little while; I eventually got quite bored with everything.
I wanted to have something more than the regular life I was living, which was basically school, homework, going to the malls on the weekends, sometimes going out at night with friends and trying to get tipsy. There had to be something else in life.
Lots of times I thought about death and life—what life really meant to me, and how I could get the best out of it. I wanted to talk to someone about it, but my friends at school all seemed to have perfect lives, and you just didn’t discuss things like that. I felt like no one understood me.
There were times when I felt so lonely and so lost. Everything was vain and so routine. At times I would get very depressed and frustrated with myself, because I wanted to have some meaning in my life, something to live for. I think that’s when the Lord thought it was the right time to turn my life around, seeing I was so desperate.
I never believed the Family was the answer, but when I got in contact with some Family YAs and SGAs in Romania, I saw I was wrong. Their maturity and passion to witness and win the lost really convicted me. I saw in their eyes that they were happy and fulfilled, and had something to live for. Their lives were full of excitement. They had been places, seen things, and met all kinds of people. It was nothing like the routine, regular life I had. They were free, and I wanted that too.
I wasn’t the same when I went back home to Holland. I was determined to do anything to go to the mission field. At the age of 14 the Lord made it possible. A sweet FGA couple had faith in me and invited me to their Home in Romania.
My life became so different. I would do things I had never done before—projects like helping a kids’ orphanage, or organizing an English coffeehouse, giving English classes to orphan boys (ages 14 to 16), and participating in the Christmas push. That was a whole experience in itself! Us teens would do Christmas shows, singing for all kinds of people—from an old folks home to some very top people.
Besides that, I would do my schoolwork and get good training in practical things, like childcare or cooking for 20 people. (I’m glad people put up with my bizarre cooking.-It’s something I’m still in the process of learning.) All this training I was never able to have in my protected life in Holland. Not only that, but I was getting to see the real world, that the poverty and physical afflictions you see on TV really do exist. When you live in the West where you don’t lack anything, you get immune to the thought that there are people who suffer and who lack many of their physical needs. So I really got shook up to the reality of the world we live in. It makes you want to give them Jesus’ love, and you see that His coming will be soon. Best of all was that the Lord gave me some fantastic friends in the Family who I felt really understood me.
I know it all sounds very perfect, but I must admit it was not easy saying goodbye to my family and loved ones at home. What kept me going was knowing that God would reward me a hundredfold, and that if I took one step for Him He would take two for me. Being quite materialistic, at first it was very hard to only bring one suitcase and leave all the rest of my little trinkets at home. But the Lord gave me so much more in return. I learned that even though you will go through spiritual battles in the Family, they will make you stronger. Plus there’s the fact that you’ll always have battles in life, whether in the Family or out of the Family.
We just moved to Thailand, and here I am able to serve the Lord with my loved ones—my dad, brother (11), and sister (12)—who have re-joined the CM Family too! My greatest wish is that I had more knowledge of the Word, like the other teens in the Family, and wouldn’t have to catch up on it right now. Some teens don’t realize how fortunate they are, and how trained they are for the Endtime. I guess being in the System made me realize that it was nothing for me, and that the Family is really IT!
I really understand any of you who are making a choice as to whether to stay in the Family or try out the System. I know it’s hard, and sometimes you just feel you don’t have many privileges in the Family. You want to be more independent. You want to see what it is like to live a normal life. But that freedom soon becomes boring, and you discover that it’s cold out there. You discover that you are bound there and you still have certain responsibilities to live up to. You’re independent but also feel lonely inside. It seemed to me that everybody was out for their own advantage.
Whenever things get a little rough for me in the Family, I always think of two things: (1) at least I’m in the Lord’s will, knowing that serving Him is my reason for living, and (2) anything in the Family is better than the System lifestyle I lived before.
By a graduate of the Devil’s Justice Academy
By Jeremy, 24, Slovenia
Ultimately my story isn’t any different than what the Lord might have used to bring anyone else to the absolute end of himself. Needless to say, it’s not at all necessary to have a drug-addict-rock-band testimony to better comprehend the Lord’s precious love in our lives—which is what this testimony is all about! Although I learned a lot throughout the ordeal, two-and-a-half years of my life could have been saved had I chosen the easy road of faith and obedience. The easy way—a common phrase but a hard concept to learn.
It all began several years ago when a few of us SGAs in Denver, Colorado (USA) decided we were going to start a band. I played the guitar, and we had a drummer and bass player. Things started out simple and fun. We wrote a few songs and met a king who bought us sound gear; everything was pretty innocent. I believe that at first, the Lord had every intention of blessing us in our efforts.
Our lead singer was a talented lyricist, so even though our sound was far from great, we kept at it in the hopes of gaining some financial support through gigs and eventually becoming a Family studio. I had heard a lot about SGA Homes and bands not making it, and since we were both, I was determined to avoid making my Home another casualty! I was on the Home teamwork at the time, and I can honestly say I don’t think any of us had even thought about leaving the Family.
About three months into the whole affair, I began to have severe marriage problems. My marriage was rather rough to begin with, but at this point I knew things couldn’t last much longer; my married life was rapidly coming to a close. We decided to separate. I had a son, and he meant just about everything to me, but because he was still quite young we decided it would be best that he remain with his mother. Being apart from my son completely broke my heart and left me with a lot of questions.
Gradually I stopped reading the Word, which was ultimately the cause of my downfall. I began making allowances for my new and strange way of thinking: carnal-mindedness. Discouraged by the loss of my son and just plain tired of the whole idea of living for others, I felt that my life up until that point had consisted of nothing other than fundraising and marriage problems. I needed a break. I felt I needed to get away from fundraising, away from living a hard life, and just do something that I loved: play music! Just play music.
At this time most of us SGAs got jobs. I worked at a furniture store for about six months while still in the Family. The Loving Jesus series had just come out, and it was at that time that I made a conscious decision to harden my heart against the New Wine. I remember reading those GNs and actually thinking, Maybe Mama has really gone off the deep end! Lord help me! The thoughts continued: The Family isn’t the same since Dad died, and, We’d better jump off this sinking ship before it’s too late. It wasn’t a simple thing to just up and leave the Family; I needed reasons for the way I felt, and I thought the Loving Jesus series was a real good one.
We ended up in Dallas, Texas, where we had our first encounters with other bands. It was then that I realized how awful our band was by comparison. Not only was our sound inferior, but we lacked the spark we once had. There was no longer any reason for our existence as a band, once the Lord was out of the picture. It’s almost funny how fast we lost our anointing—simply because it wasn’t our anointing in the first place.
Right around that time I fell into deep depression over my wife and son leaving. I suppose it was then that I started going full steam ahead trying to make the band work—maybe just to get my mind off my situation.
To be really honest, though, I can’t remember exactly how I went from feeling so depressed and un-anointed, to later being totally convinced that we could make it big as a band! The verse comes to mind, Because they received not the love of the truth that they might be saved. And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they might believe a lie (2Th.2:10,11).
Eventually the rest of the gang and I made the decision to leave the Family. I got my own place and moved out of our previous all-SGA Home almost immediately after this earthshakingly bad decision (living there was getting to be unbearable once we didn’t have the Family standard anymore).
Up until then I’d never known what it was like to be really lonely. Since at this point all of my friends were ex-members, and also since I wanted to get as far away from the Family way of life as I could, I began going to strip clubs almost nightly with a guy who ended up being our drummer. We would hang out, check out the girls, get drunk, etc. When asked if I was having a good time, my answer was always, Oh yeah!
I was embarrassed, though, because although I love girls, I wasn’t used to seeing them displayed like these were. Meat on a rack describes it best. As uncomfortable as I felt, I kept hanging out there until eventually I hardly noticed they were naked any more! Naturally this affected how I was starting to view women in general.
The other SGA backsliders seemed to be doing a lot better than I was. They had plans, were saving money, going to college, but to me their whole scene was sickening! I still hated materialism and had no natural love for money or things. At the same time I had no alternative, no escape. That’s when I started getting into drugs and drinking heavily. I began messing around with LSD and cocaine.
The band was now starting to do a little better. We had practiced a lot with our new drummer and because grunge (our original choice of music) was way out of style, I started looking around for other styles and groups to imitate. That’s all it came down to really—a lot of imitation.
Though many bands don’t want to admit it, musically it’s almost all been done. Even alternative, the style we latched onto, is just a replica of original hard rock (from the time when Jeremy Spencer was commercially popular) mixed in with a little folk rock and maybe one or two off-sounding jazz chords. The reason it’s so popular is because the time span between the two periods lends to it sounding original. Despite all this, I was determined to prove to myself and everyone that I could really make it as an alternative musician.
I knew the Lord was on my tail though. I often found myself in situations where I had to make choices about whether to believe and accept the Lord’s will in my life (even just a little bit), or stubbornly rebel and suffer the consequences. On one such occasion, five other friends and I dropped acid. During the first couple of hours things seemed to be going all right, but as the evening progressed I started to feel a little uneasy. I had a vision of my mom crying and praying that I would come back to the Lord (which I learned later she was doing often). The vision was very vivid, and although I was mocking the whole thing outwardly, I couldn’t deny the sweet feeling inside me. It was the closest thing to the Holy Spirit I had felt since leaving the Family.
Then, out of nowhere, someone put on an album by Nine-Inch Nails and that was the end of that! I was completely knocked for a loop! I started to see myself take on reptile-like forms. I was screaming. The room was spinning around. Ordinary objects like the couch and bed looked like they were melting. All the fun that I had planned on having that night was obscured by this hellish trip. Towards the end, I felt a physical snap in my head and at that point I thought, That’s it! I’m nuts! It took me about two weeks to come down from that trip, and its false conception of reality.
I must have gone through ten different jobs during the following year, as I couldn’t find it within myself to work for people to support a lifestyle I was beginning to hate. The fact that I was taking drugs didn’t help either. I lost my apartment and my car broke down. I tried to clean up my act on a few occasions, but since I didn’t have the inner strength to gain lasting victories over my addictions, it wasn’t long before I fell back into the cycle of drugs, drinking, and depression.
It would be easy for someone reading this to think: The answer is so simple, dude. Why didn’t you just rejoin? This is true. However, every time I stopped to give room to that thought, a mental wall immediately went up, and a host of compelling counter-arguments kicked in. I was the sad victim of carnal reasoning. This was the main reason why I couldn’t think clearly enough to make the right decisions in order to turn my life around.
At one point, I met a waitress working at the same restaurant as I was. She seemed sweet and reminded me somewhat of a Family girl, in that she was always preferring other people to herself. I knew I couldn’t be picky, as good girls without an agenda were few and far between. So after only a couple of weeks she moved into my place.
All seemed to be going well at first. She cleaned up and redecorated the place. She even gave me her truck to use whenever I needed it. But all the while I had a sneaking suspicion that there was something wrong about her. I noticed she had weird, offbeat personal effects, like little books on magic, statues of fairies and frogs, tons of candles and feathers. Of course, I didn’t want to accuse her of being a witch because that would be close-minded. After all, everything else about her seemed to be fine.
To this day, I don’t know if she was a witch or not, but what soon became very apparent was the fact that she carried gonorrhea-which I found out through contracting it myself. I think having that disease was the single most embarrassing experience of my life, not to mention the most painful!
So there I was: an alcoholic, a druggie, a musician in a band that was going nowhere. I was carrying a disease I couldn’t afford medication for. I had no hope and no reason to live. Mentally, I think I was about two steps away from becoming another homeless person, the type of guy most people would avoid on the street. As the verse goes, The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity (Pro.18:14). Even so, my spirit, which was working in conflict with the Lord’s plan, was too weak to keep me or my body from self-destruction!
Music obviously played a huge part in my overall state of mind during that period. One band in particular was Tool. I started listening to this band a lot, mainly because of their unique sound and lyrics. Their lyrics seemed to verbalize the strong sense of frustration and resentment that I felt towards God, and my inner rebellion against order. In my opinion, the band’s spiritual standing can be accurately described by a single line of lyrics in their hit song Eulogy as follows [to Jesus]: Get off your ---- cross! We need the ---- space to nail the next fool martyr! This band, mind you, is tops in the underground heavy metal scene, and are slowly becoming the word in heavy metal music. I would put their album on in the morning, before work, and at bedtime. I was a cult follower of this group, for want of a better term.
The last episode in the horror flick which was my life for several years went as follows: On Halloween, our band was scheduled to open for another group called Hellified Funk Crew. A week before that, I was given an oversized rock of speed and almost died! For a whole week I was in bed crying. My heart literally felt like it was going to burst. My body shook uncontrollably, and all I could think about was the Lord, the Family, and some way of escape.
I remember looking straight up and saying, Lord, I can’t save myself. But I don’t have any more faith in You. If You want me back, please cover me with Your Spirit. Almost immediately after praying that prayer, I felt the all-encompassing, indescribable sensation of peace that only the Lord can give! In my mind it wasn’t possible that someone as rebellious, confused, and at times utterly given over to the Enemy as me could find such sweet and complete relief through one little prayer.
I spent a few days just reading Psalms and Proverbs. Even as the drug lover that I was, I don’t think I’ve ever felt such an extreme high in my life! I felt like my world was moving in slow motion. I would read and read and read, and then look at the clock and see that five, six, seven hours had passed. I felt nothing else mattered in this world except for Psalms and Proverbs! Time was no longer of any consequence, and I felt I was on the edge of eternity.
I called the drummer of our band and told him that I was out. That was it! No more of this life for me. He pretty much freaked out! He was the yuppie type, a real Systemite. He didn’t know what to make of my story, except that maybe I had taken too much dope and fried a little. Since our band was finally seeing a real opportunity playing with Hellified Funk Crew, in his mind my decision was out of the question!
There was one other ex-member in the band; we were close, but a far cry from bearing one another’s burdens. In fact, from the very beginning we had an agreement that my problems were not his problems and vice-versa. As far as my decision to come back to the Family went, I feel it had a significant effect on him, but it wasn’t his time to come back.
So when I told the drummer I was pulling out, he said, Come on, I can hook you up with any charity in the city if it will make you feel like you’re living for God.—Just don’t leave the band! I felt a million miles away from that dude. I could hardly talk, much less argue. I just picked up all my gear from his place, sold it to first available buyer, then bought an acoustic guitar and a bus ticket!
The last night I was out there was Halloween night. Instead of playing at the big gig, I put on a little concert of my own a block away from the club. It was just me and my guitar, playing vintage Family songs to some stoned kids on the street. It wasn’t much, but IT WAS FUN!!!!
In conclusion, I’d like to say with all honesty that the love, forgiveness and healing that I felt from the Lord’s Spirit was just as real and a lot more powerful than the pain, heartache, and mental breakdown I felt in the System! The Devil’s justice was like a school I wish I had never attended!
Another thought: Most of us SGAs have been brought up never knowing what it’s like to be addicted to drugs. We’ve never been exposed to abuse—mentally or physically. We’ve always had someone to go to in hard times. On top of that, we’ve lived in the coolest places and have traveled the world. In so many words, we have what they want, and there is nothing they have to offer that compares. PERIOD.
About a year down the road, to be honest things are a little rougher than I expected them to be, with all the major changes implemented since the Charter. But entrance exams are always the hardest, and besides that, to whom shall I go? I love you all and thank the Lord for you, my Family, and the prayers of my loved ones, without which I’d surely still be out there! I love you!!!
Love, Jeremy
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