PRIME-TIME PARENTING!--By Kay Kuzma
INTRODUCTION
Prime-Time Parenting will teach you how to get the biggest benefits from the limited time you have to spend with your children. You can work & be a successful parent. It is possible to combine a paying job--even a demanding career--with the job of parenting, & raise healthy, happy, competent children. But it isn't easy. And there are no magic formulas that produce immediate success. Just as you must study & strive to become more skilled at your "job-for-pay," you must be willing to study & strive to become more skilled at your prime-time parenting job. This book is an essential starting place.
QUALITY-TIME TOGETHER: THE KEY TO SUCCESS
Time is a precious commodity in which we all have been served an equal portion. How we choose to spend that time is our decision. Time can be wasted or invested. As I see it, there are two ways to invest our time. One is in the building of things--better jobs, a good reputation, a clean house, professional competence, a new home, a gourmet meal, a vacation by the lake, a summer cottage, or an extra TV set. The other is in building of relationships--with oneself, a spouse, children, family & friends.
You may have a lifetime to build relationships with friends, neighbours, or even a spouse. But the critical time to build a meaningful relationship with your children is limited to the few short years they are growing up in your home.
How much time should parents spend with their children? The amount of time a child needs to develop to his optimum capacity cannot be measured in minutes & hours. It can only be measured in the child's total physical & psychological well-being. If you were to err in the amount of time you give your child, err on the side of too much time rather than too little.
Here is the dilemma. The ideal child-bearing time is between the ages of twenty-one & twenty-nine when the female body is at the peak of its performance to insure a healthy, normal baby. However, this is also the very worst time period for most young parents to find the extra hours needed to care for & nurture their offspring. In most families Mom & Dad find themselves the busiest during the very years that their children's needs are the greatest.
During these critical child-rearing years, parents who choose to invest some of their time in responsibilities outside the home must commit themselves to quality time together with their children if they wish to build a solid parent-child relationship. Such a commitment involves two key ingredients:
1) Parents must carve out as much time as possible for the family; &
2) they must use that time as effectively as possible.
Quality Time Together versus Negative & Nothing Time Together. Every minute that you spend with your children is prime time. You're on stage, so to speak, influencing & teaching them by your words & behaviour--whether you want to or not. So, in parent-child relationships, spending time together is not enough. To make that time meaningful it must be quality time. Careful thought & planning must be a prerequisite for successful parenting.
There are three ways in which parents & children can use time together. Q.T.T--quality time together--is the key to success. The other two types are N.T.T.s--negative time together & nothing time together.
N.T.T. #1--negative time together--is deadly to parent-child relationships. Such time is filled with discord, dissension, & conflict. The home, the car, or anyplace where the family assembles can become a battleground. Although the primary weapons are usually words, it is not uncommon for "fists" to follow.
N.T.T. #2 refers to nothing time together. Although the family is "together," or at least in close proximity, & there is no outward conflict, the TV is blaring, the dog is barking, & Dad has barricaded himself in the study to do the income tax. Mom has been gossiping on the phone for an hour. Her message to Junior is, "Go outside & play & don't bother me today!" Nothing time together may not destroy relationships as quickly as negative time together, but it does eventually tear them down, & certainly does nothing to build or repair them.
Q.T.T. is the most important factor in building healthy & wholesome parent-child relationships. Q.T.T. may be a noisy family celebration; a quiet evening at home listening to daughter practice her music--correcting her when necessary; a sleepless night nursing a fevered child; a holiday spent cleaning out the garage; or an hour spent in animated discussion of a family problem. Whatever the activity, quality time together should convey several all-important messages: "I love you," & "I want to be close to you," "I enjoy you," "You're fun to be with."
Putting Quality Time Together into Practice. The importance of quality time together can hardly be disputed, yet agreeing with the concept is much easier than consistently putting it into practice. It is easier to know what you should do than to take the time to do it.
How do you determine whether a child is receiving enough parental time? If he is old enough, ask him. In a recent survey eleven-year-olds were asked this very question. Over 50 percent of the children with working mothers said they wished their mothers would spend more time with them. But the surprising finding was that approximately 30 percent of the children whose mothers were classified as "nonworking" wished the same thing! Apparently this is not just a working parent's problem!
Negative behaviour is often a sign of parental time deficiency. Young children equate love with parental attention. If they do not receive their fill of positive attention, they sometimes resort to behaviour that will, without question, bring negative attention. In their way of thinking, even negative attention is better than no attention at all. Therefore, parents must learn to distinguish the hidden meaning behind a child's action.
Preschoolers generally thrive on parental time. A ten-year-old, on the other hand, may be happy with an audience for her memorised tuba solo, a fifteen-minute rough-&-tumble session, & a good-night kiss.
There is no single pattern that all children follow. To fill a child's need for parental time successfully, you must tune in to your child & fill a need as it surfaces. There is one important rule to remember: Ignoring a need for parental time will only increase the intensity of that need.
Make Parenting an Equal-Status Career. Parenting is the most important career a mother or father can pursue. It has critical, deep-seated, & long-term effects. In this one career no one else can substitute for you with the same degree of meaning. No one can ever really take your place. Yet, in our society, parenting has been relegated to a rather low-status position because it doesn't measure up on those variables that usually determine status.
A low-status career often negatively affects the attitude of the worker. If you feel parenting is a second-rate job & therefore unworthy of your time, your best efforts, & your full attention, you will do a second-rate job.
The only answer to the problem is to give parenting equal status with other careers. Nothing can equal the value of a child's life!
Specifically, if you view parenting as an equal-status career, you will:
1. Prepare for your employment. Learn all you can about child development, discipline, & methods of effective parenting. When you prepare for your parenting career thoughtfully, you will do a better job & enjoy it more.
2. Devote adequate time to the career to assure success. Don't just rely on the few minutes of leftover time from another career.
3. Perform as a professional. When you accept a job that you hope to keep, your behaviour must be professional. Plan & organise your job of parenting as you would execute your professional career. It will make the job easier & it will also help to insure Q.T.T.
If you, as a prime-time parent, consider your parenting job as an equal-status career, then you will more readily see that time you spend with your children is time put to the highest use.
Take Advantage of "Wasted" Time. A prime-time parent can create more Q.T.T. by utilising time that must be spent with children to the fullest advantage. Young children must be washed, diapered, clothed & cuddled. Older children have to be chauffeured, chaperoned & disciplined. Parents who are eager to use their skills to reach above & beyond the fulfillment of these basic needs sometimes feel that these common daily chores are a waste of time. But are they really?
It is the time we "waste" with (& for) our children that will assure a good relationship with them & convince them of our love. This time has to be given joyfully with our wholehearted interest in their affairs. Never let your child think that you would rather be doing something else (although you may need to do something else), or that you feel you are wasting your time when you are with him.
One evening my friend Marilyn was in the midst of preparing gravy for dinner when her teenage son rushed into the kitchen shouting, "Mom, come outside quickly. I've got something to show you."
There is a critical point in the preparation of gravy when it must be stirred in order to have a smooth consistency. Marilyn, who is a gourmet cook & relishes the thought of a perfect dinner, was at that critical preparation point & almost said, "Can't you wait a minute? I've got to finish stirring the gravy." But an inner sense said, "Go." After all, it had been weeks since her son had asked her anything--or even wanted to be with the family. So she turned off the stove, removed the gravy, & went outside. Her son pointed to the western horizon & exclaimed, "Mom, look at that sunset! Isn't that the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?" They both watched until the last rays disappeared.
A wasted moment? It may have seemed so, if smooth gravy is the thing you value most in your life. But as this mother said, "I'd eat lumpy gravy every night of the week to have that kind of daily experience with my teenager. After all, gravy soon disappears, but the relationship I establish with my son can last a lifetime."
Diapering, feeding, dressing, or bathing the young child:--How to Redeem Low-Quality Time
1. Talk (and listen) to the child.
2. Pay full attention to the child with eye contact & touch.
3. Encourage the child to participate.
4. Teach the child something with each encounter (how to count, recognise colours etc.)
5. Tell the child something that will build a healthy self-concept.
6. Play games (when appropriate).
7. Use this time to observe the child carefully.
8. Convey your enjoyment of the experience.
Doctoring scratches & bruises:--How to Redeem Low-Quality Time
1. Be helpful.
2. Sympathize: Say, "I know it hurts."
3. For younger children who want it, apply a bandage whether needed or not.
4. Give a hug, a kiss, or a love pat.
5. Be willing to hold them for a few minutes.
6. Accept appropriate crying. Ignore the inappropriate.
7. Do something. Apply ice, blow the hurt away, hold it under cold water etc.
8. Tell them about a similar incident that happened to you.
9. Pray with the child.
Practicing musical instruments:--How to Redeem Low-Quality Time
1. Let him know you are always willing to help.
2. Show you are interested by saying, "When you are ready for an audience, I'd love to listen."
3. Sit down next to the child & listen for a few minutes even without an invitation.
4. Focus your full attention on the child while you listen.
5. Find something positive to say.
6. If you think you have some helpful criticism, cushion it by asking if the child wants advice.
7. Plan a performance time for the whole family.
8. Let the child overhear you telling another family member how well he is doing--but be honest.
9. When the child is discouraged, help him over a rough spot.
10. Attend the music lesson occasionally--if the child wants you to.
11. If you can, play something with the child.
Housecleaning (cleaning one room):--How to Redeem Low-Quality Time
1. Work together in close proximity so you can communicate.
2. Sing as you work.
3. Tell a story or an experience that happened at work.
4. Make a game out of it.
5. Have a tea party when finished--just the two of you.
6. Compliment the child on something specific.
7. Plan a surprise for another member of the family together.
8. Make a cassette recording for the relatives by chatting back & forth while you work.
9. Offer advice judiciously.
10. Don't expect perfection.
Preparing meals or washing dishes:--How to Redeem Low-Quality Time
1. Let the child help with the planning.
2. Encourage the child to make one dish alone.
3. Make a point of telling the family about the dish your child prepared.
4. Don't rush. Plan a meal that is simple enough to prepare in the time allotted.
5. Don't expect perfection.
6. When mistakes are made, don't rub it in. Laugh, help clean up the mess, or tell the child about a similar incident when you made an even bigger mess.
7. Find a kitchen job that fits the interest & skills of the child.
8. While you are working, encourage the child to pull up a chair & read to you.
9. Have the children do their homework at the kitchen table while you are working, so you can be available to answer a question if they need you.
10. Work together on the dishes & clean-up.
11. Surprise the child occasionally by doing one of his routine kitchen jobs for him.
Exercising & jogging:--How to Redeem Low-Quality Time
1. Do it together.
2. Find something the whole family enjoys.
3. Talk as you exercise.
4. Exercise with one child alone. Make this your special time together.
Shopping:--How to Redeem Low-Quality Time
1. Take the kids along (sometimes one at a time for a special outing with Mom).
2. Give each child a list & have them find the right items.
3. Teach them how to compare prices.
4. Let them purchase something special that they want (within reason).
Schedule Time Together--How to Redeem Low-Quality Time
For many parents, job obligations become so pressing that they take more & more time away from the family. In addition, when a man spends so little time with his young children that they hardly know him, the children will tend to seek out mother for help & attention & may actually reject their father's offers of help. Unless Dad is highly motivated to change the situation, he may leave more & more of the parenting responsibilities to Mom as he finds rewards & success in his career. When this happens, his wife & children see less & less of him & may begin to resent his career. They may even interpret the time he devotes to this career as an indication of his lack of love & concern for them.
Scheduling quality time together may be the only way busy families can ever find time for each other. But scheduling is just the first step. Keeping the appointment is equally important.
Connie Gils had this problem. She had a demanding job as an executive for a large international firm. She kept all of her important appointments in her "little black book." Whenever her children wanted to do something special with her, she would take out her book to see if the time was free. In the majority of cases, she would have to shake her head & say, "No, kids, I'm sorry. I already have an important appointment."
One day her son asked, "Mommy, do you think I'm an important appointment?"
"Well, yes, I do, Son," she stammered.
"Then why don't you write my name down in your book?"
Connie couldn't argue with that so she handed the appointment book to the children. "You kids decide what you want me to do with you & then find a time that is empty & write it down. Then it will become one of my very important appointments."
By planning time with her children weeks & months in advance she found it easier to schedule her business appointments around the children. She would just pull out her appointment book & if there was a conflict she would say, "I'm sorry, I have a previous commitment!" Those appointments to go backpacking, deep-sea fishing, rafting down the river, horseback riding, & stargazing are now among the family's most meaningful memories.
Every family should set aside a regularly scheduled family time with which nothing is allowed to interfere. I suggest a once-a-week STAFF meeting. (That is S.T.A.F.F., as in "Steps to Active Family Fun.") You may find it difficult to turn down the chairman of the church nominating committee when he says, "We must meet Tuesday night," if you tell him that you had planned to pop popcorn & bob for apples with your children. But if you say, "Sorry, I have a STAFF meeting that night," he seldom will persist.
When you begin to schedule quality time together, it is important that you & your child do those things that have the most meaning. List all of the family's favorite activities. Brainstorm. Then rank these items from the most important to the least important. Finally, schedule those items that have a high priority. If you schedule only the easiest activities, or those that take the least effort or time, you probably won't be able to do the most important ones.
SHARING THE CHILDCARE RESPONSIBILITY
Parents who have highly demanding jobs must rely on someone else to take the major responsibility for child care. Taking sole responsibility for parenting (child care) while holding down a full-time job is like trying to light a candle with just half of a match--it's a lot easier to get your fingers burned. And the chances of lighting the candle properly are just not as good. Sometimes it works--if it's a fairly easy candle to light or if the candle is older & has been lit before--but sometimes it does not. Some candles are just harder to light than others & require more time, & it's the same way with children. Some children are more difficult to rear & they simply require more time from one or a variety of caregivers.
Qualifications of the Caregiver
1. The caregiver should be supportive of the parents. Leslie, the mother of three small boys, was going through a very difficult period in her life. She was forced to keep a demanding full-time job because her husband did not have a regular job & was very irresponsible about his family obligations. Leslie had searched for the right type of care for her children & finally found another mother of three who was willing to watch her boys for a reasonable rate. Leslie promised to pick up her children before suppertime each evening. But she was not able to keep her promise on certain evenings when her husband took their only car & did not return on time. This, of course, infringed on the caregiver's family because they wanted to have supper alone. The caregiver would put the three little boys in another room & feed her own children. When the boys would cry, "We're hungry," the caregiver would say, "I'm sorry. Your mother promised to be here to pick you up before supper & if she really cared about you & loved you she would be here."
Such a seemingly innocent remark. But in reality this was much more painful to these little boys than a spanking would have been. When this was said every time Leslie was unable to pick up her children on time, it slowly destroyed the children's belief that their mother really loved & cared about them. And in their confusion of feelings they began to reason that if their mother, their very own mother, did not love & care for them, then they must not be very worthwhile little people.
Do not let this happen to your children. Be very careful to communicate with the caregiver so she can support you & help your children understand how much you love them even though you must be away from them part of the day.
2. The caregiver should be a master at combining love & discipline. Too often, babysitters allow the child to get away with anything. On the other extreme, they may dictate & punish the child into submission.
3. The caregiver should be open & willing to learn. It is difficult to work with anyone who thinks that she knows all the answers. A caregiver should be open to new suggestions, & should not feel threatened when you disagree. She should be capable of making good decisions without having to ask you for detailed instructions. On the other hand, don't abdicate your responsibility as the parent & take a back seat when it comes to child rearing.
4. The caregiver should be the kind of person you want your children to grow up to be. Because children are master imitators, you want them to spend time with someone who has personality traits that you will enjoy seeing exhibited in your children's behaviour. Look for a happy, enthusiastic, optimistic person who loves children. Next, look for evidence of orderliness, honesty, integrity, firmness to principle, & patience.
5. The caregiver should be willing to teach your child. A good caregiver should be willing to teach whenever the teachable moment occurs. If everyone is sunbathing outside & your child is busy watching a line of ants & asks, "Where are the ants going?" you don't want the caregiver to say, "I'm reading a book, don't bother me." Rather, you want her to put down the book, get up & say, "That's a good question. Let's follow them as far as we can." Your children should have every learning opportunity that they would have if you were home with them full time.
Evaluate
Some children have a difficult time adjusting to new situations. Even though the situation seems ideal to you, your child may not be happy with the care that you have arranged. To ease your child's adjustment, let him get to know the caregiver in your presence. Act confident & matter-of-fact about the decision that you have made. If your child perceives that you are hesitant about the childcare arrangements & feel guilty about leaving him, he is more likely to put on a good crying show for you & give you plenty of reasons for staying. If you feel confident, that attitude will help your child to adjust to the new experience.
Don't be surprised if your child breaks down in a flood of tears when you return, even though he may have been happy & contentedly playing while you were away. This is natural. He has experienced many emotions during your absence & the sight of a familiar person will release all these emotions at once.
Questions about Child Care
1. How do you handle your own jealousy when your child seems to like the babysitter more than you?
Answer: Spend more time with your child. This is a sign that you have not spent enough quality time together with your child, so your relationship has not continued to grow. Be thankful you have found a person your child enjoys so much. If the caregiver is supportive of you, you have nothing to worry about.
2. What guidelines should I give my school age children when I leave them alone? (Editor: It's far preferable to never be faced with this kind of situation except in extreme emergencies. It's much safer to make sure a responsible adult is with your children almost continually. However, these tips are helpful should such an emergency occur, & are also good to share with friends who may be parents of such "latch-key kids.")
Answer: It is important to give them the following common-sense instructions:
a. Keep the doors locked, even if you only leave the house for a short time. Keep an extra key holder outside the house in case you lose your keys.
b. If someone comes to the door, don't open it unless you recognise both the name & the voice. Don't tell anyone that you are home alone. Politely ask them to come back later, or ask them to go next door if they need help.
c. Don't give your name when answering the phone. Don't tell a caller that you are alone. Take a message & tell the caller that your parents will return the call.
d. If you receive a crank call, hang up immediately.
e. Don't entertain friends without first getting parental permission.
f. If in doubt about the safety or sensibleness of an activity, ask your parents' approval first.
g. Be predictable. Be where your parents expect you to be at the time they expect.
h. Keep emergency phone numbers handy.
i. Write down the procedure to follow in case of an emergency, such as fire, accident, or illness.
j. Keep the house neat & do what you can to prepare for your parents' arrival. For example: Finish your chores and your homework; start dinner if you have your parents' approval; and think of something you can do to pleasantly surprise your parents.
WORKING PARENTS & THEIR PROBLEMS
The Problem of Not Enough Time
One parent expressed the problem in these words: "There is never enough time to get everything done at home that needs to be done. It is the same on the weekends. Just about the time I feel I have everything done in the home, and want to settle down with the kids or do something for myself, it's Monday morning again."
There's always something to do, whether you're a full-time working parent, a part-time working parent, or a non-working parent. The important thing is to realise that your children are the first priority. The rest of the time must be planned accordingly. Once a mother chooses to work, it is impossible for her to continue to do everything she did when she was a non-working parent. You have to make choices & decide what is really important for you, & eliminate the rest or find other ways to accomplish the same things.
Here are some solutions that may help you find more time to be with your children.
1. Take turns. In order to stretch time to meet all your commitments, it is vital to share responsibilities. Such sharing must be flexible, based on the individual's needs & the particular situation. If one parent tries to shoulder all the responsibilities in one particular area all the time, he or she is likely to feel overwhelmed, resentful, & exhausted.
Some families utilize this concept creatively by allowing each parent "free" evenings. Prime time with one parent is better than
halfhearted time with two. Monday & Wednesday are Mom's evenings to go shopping, write letters, visit friends, or whatever. Dad knows that Tuesday & Thursday is his time off. Just an hour to do your own thing can give you a new lease on life & you will return to your children with renewed energy & enthusiasm for parenting.
2. Establish a routine. It can save precious time, since everyone knows what to do next & what his or her responsibilities are. It is also true that when children know what to expect, they can be more helpful.
Children, especially young children, need the consistency that routines assure. As a nursery school teacher I often observed the difficulties that a child had when a mother worked irregular hours. The child would be brought to the center at various times--in the middle of a story, during art time, or even halfway through naptime. These children usually had severe adjustment problems--unless they were highly adaptable children. Farewell time was especially difficult since they never knew when Mom would show up again. If the parent brought the child to nursery school on a regular schedule, the child could adapt more easily to the idea of separation.
All children need a regular time each day at home with their parents. Both children & parents are growing & changing daily, & if you habitually miss daily time together, you soon realise that you don't know each other very well. In addition, there is a warm sense of security that pervades children when they know their parents are consistently there when they need them.
3. First things first. Limit newspaper reading & watch 30 minutes of daily news on TV instead or listen to the radio while you are involved in another activity. Limit TV viewing. Let the nonessentials wait. As you plan your day or evening, list everything you'd like to do, then rank these items in terms of their importance & level of interest for you. Start the day--or evening--with the most essential, highest-interest activity & proceed from there. Prime time is too short to get bogged down with nonessentials.
4. Think convenience. When you decorate your home think about convenience. Semigloss paint is easier to wash than flat. Waxing floors is a hassle; choose nonwax vinyls. Cleaning up spills is much easier on a tiled or vinyl floor surface than a carpeted surface. Never buy a knickknack unless you really want to invest time in dusting it.
Fresh flowers may boost your spirits. If so, fine. If not, decorate your home with dry flower arrangements.
When organising the kitchen, place everyday tableware at a level easily accessible to the children. They can more readily set the table & unload the dishwasher this way.
5. Limit non-family outside social activities. Instead, plan social activities that include the family. Don't be afraid to ask, "Mind if we bring the kids along?" When entertaining business associates, why not invite them home for a simple meal & an evening with your family, rather than subjecting them to another restaurant? They probably will never forget the occasion.
6. Wait until the kids are in bed. The evening hours--from the moment you walk through the door after work until the children's bedtime--should be prime time for the children. For most kids, these hours are the best part of their day. And if you aren't careful, this prime time will be eaten up by various projects that, with a little planning, could be scheduled after the kids' bedtime.
7. Get organised. Work efficiency is diminished in the midst of chaos. Searching for lost objects can waste valuable minutes. Effective organisation does take time, but it takes less time to handle things consistently than to wait until a situation has grown out of proportion.
If the children are encouraged to keep their rooms neat, cleaning is relatively simple. But when clothes, books, & toys are left scattered all over the floor, both children & parents panic at the sight. How much better to stay on top of clutter!
8. Don't go it alone. The most successful prime-time parent does not do all of the housework, cooking, laundering, and yard care alone. We all need help & support, even if it's just emotional support.
9. Plan special ways to spend time together. Every family has to find its own special ways & times to get together. Carefully consider your favourite group activities & plan specific ways your family can participate in these activities more often.
10. Pretend Mommy's in Africa. Every prime-time parent occasionally must spend extra time on a project in order to meet a deadline. When children's emotional needs are adequately filled on a regular basis, they can usually cope with short periods of less parental attention. When this happens in our family we play the "Pretend Mommy's in Africa" game. I'm always pleasantly surprised by the self-sufficiency my children exhibit during these times. They even pride themselves on helping me with my normal housework & meal preparation activities.
During an "African trip" to finish this book, a note was pushed under my study door. "Dear Mom, Do you have time to fly home & give us a back rub before bed? Yes?___ No?___ Love, Kim, Kari, & Kevin." I marked "yes," & delivered the answer in person. After all, I'm a prime-time parent!
The Problem of Guilt
Guilt is another problem of working parents. What happens when you bottle up negative guilt feelings? Let's consider a typical, imaginary situation. You have had a particularly hard week. The boss demanded that you work overtime, & you didn't get home until after the children's bedtime. You feel guilty that you haven't spent more time with the children. On Monday, you realise you're beginning to feel depressed. You can hardly get up in the morning & get the children off to school. You arrive at work full of resentment toward the job & toward your boss who makes so many demands. Because you feel guilty, depressed, & resentful, you can't seem to get organised & your efficiency is significantly reduced. By 5 p.m. you still have a stack of work on your desk & you're feeling guilty about your work load. You come home frustrated & yell at the children for innocently giggling & goofing around. They stop immediately & put their arms around you, saying, "We're sorry, mom." You push them away. "I just need to be alone," you tell them. Later, when the house is quiet, you begin to feel guilty about screaming at the children. Is there no way out of this endless cycle of guilt?
Now, replay the scene with a few modifications. When you wake up on Monday, face those feelings of depression & guilt. After thinking about some possible solutions, you make up your mind: No more overtime. It just cuts too deeply into your time with the family. Making that decision is a relief, although you're somewhat scared to tell the boss. You kiss the kids good-bye with a cheery, "See you at five." When you get to work, you confront your boss immediately. "I felt guilty all last week because I couldn't spend more time with my children, so I'd rather not work overtime any more. I'm willing to work lunch hours, but my children need me after school. They are disappointed when I'm late. I'm sorry, but I hope you can understand my decision."
What was the difference between the two scenarios? In the first, you felt guilty, but you didn't do anything about the feelings & they continued to build up. In the second, you recognised the feelings & took constructive action. As a result, the feelings disappeared.
Working parents often blame themselves (or the fact that they are working), for their children's problems. Friends, neighbours, & relatives can increase such guilt feelings by wagging their tongues & fingers disapprovingly, "If only she'd stay home & be a mother, she wouldn't have problems with her children." Research does not support this idea. Nonworking mothers have as many problems with their children as working mothers. If a mother is happy, whether she is working or not, her children tend to be fairly well adjusted.
However you choose to deal with guilt, do not allow occasional guilt feelings to affect your parenting. The following list includes the most common child-rearing mistakes made by guilty parents.
1. Overprotecting the child. "I'm not home very often, so I want to compensate by being with my child whenever I'm home & carefully monitoring her time when I'm not home." Children thrive on age-related independence--not smothering.
2. Giving unnecessary gifts. Some parents believe that they can make up for their absence by giving gifts. Presents never take the place of parental presence.
3. Giving in to demands. Children often play on a parent's guilt feelings to get what they want. Parents fall into this trap by trying to meet every desire & whim of their child. In such situations, the child runs the home--and it's not a happy place for either parent or child.
4. Feeling sorry for the child. "Oh, you poor dear. I feel so sorry for you when I have to work. You don't have a mommy here when you get home from school." This attitude only encourages the child to feel sorry for himself. Instead, help your child to see the benefits that can be derived from your work.
5. Allowing the child to escape home responsibilities. "After all, this poor child has a mommy who works, so the least I can do is to make it up to him by doing his chores & picking up after him." Balderdash!
6. Ignoring misbehavior. "I don't want to deal with my child since I'm home so little. I'll leave that to the babysitter. I want my child to like me, so I'll just ignore the bad things he does." This attitude is particularly dangerous because you are encouraging your child to exhibit more of this bad behaviour.
Children need parents who are willing to parent--and that includes healthy doses of both love & discipline. Don't deny your child his valuable training because you feel guilty about working. Instead, do your best, keep happy, apologize when you fail, & plan ways to avoid repeating the mistake.
The Problem of Illness & Fatigue
Most parents don't consider the possibility of fatigue & illness, whether their own or their child's, when they plan their life with children. Stark reality is expressed vividly by Jayme Curley, a working mother who wrote in her diary, "Shana has caught the cold I have just recovered from. David & I were up six times with her last night, she was sweaty & coughing. Of the 203 days of her life, she has been sick 50 days with colds, two with stomachaches. I've been sick 74 days with colds & the breast infections. David, 15 days with colds. What a mess we've been."
How do prime-time parents cope with illness & fatigue? Prevention is the best answer. As one mother told me, "I don't have time to be sick, so I put all my effort into prevention."
Prevention
There are three general principles to follow to prevent illness & fatigue.
1. Keep your family in good physical condition. If you have a minor problem, have it taken care of immediately.
2. Maintain good eating habits, drink plenty of water, and don't indulge in harmful practices such as drinking alcohol, taking drugs or smoking.
3. Use your body carefully. Get plenty of rest & regular exercise. Do not abuse yourself with inactivity or drive yourself too hard.
Coping with Fatigue
If fatigue is your problem, be sure to get enough sleep each night & take a few catnaps during the day. Find a place where you can nap during your break time. When you return home, take a 15-minute nap before settling into the evening routine.
Exercise is a good way to get rid of fatigue. Get up for five minutes every hour & move around briskly enough to feel your heart pump a little harder. Try a number of exercises to stretch & move each part of your body. If your office building has stairs, use them. If the lounge has space to jump rope--jump. If there is a recreational facility at your place of employment or nearby, use the swimming pool, racketball or volleyball courts, or the gym.
Diet not only affects your general health, it can also affect your level of fatigue. Diets that are high in sugars, starches, & fats have a way of slowing down the system. Eat a balanced diet with plenty of energy foods, such as vegetables & good protein.
THE PRIME-TIME PARENTING PERSONALITY--FULFILMENT FOR ALL
Personal fulfilment comes in the process of helping others. The only way to develop a prime-time parenting personality is to immerse yourself optimistically in family relationships & work to make these relationships as meaningful & harmonious as possible. Book learning, theorising, & philosophising cannot substitute for practical experience. However, immersing yourself in family relationships that will lead to fulfilment in others does not mean that you must deny your own needs.
Your children may thrive when you put yourself first occasionally--if their basic needs are being met & they are assured of your unchanging love. Children benefit by living with parents who feel personally fulfilled.
Regardless of your personality, you can contribute to your own fulfilment by following these five steps.
Step 1: Concentrate on the Positive.--THE PRIME-TIME PARENTING PERSONALITY
Your attitude toward life, toward your job, & toward your family is vitally important. It can affect the entire atmosphere of your home. A positive attitude is conducive to a child's growth. A negative attitude can have a deleterious effect.
Attitudes are contagious. One downcast family member can discourage everyone else. The opposite is also true.
Attitudes have a magnetic quality. Positive attitudes tend to attract others; negative attitudes repel. Prime-time parents must realise the devastating effect that negative attitudes can have on family morale. The following personality traits can lead to such a negative, devitalised attitude. I call them the deadly D's. Don't let them crowd out your chances for personal happiness, satisfaction, & fulfilment.
Dependency: A dependent parent tends to live his life through others--even through his children, forcing them to meet his needs for companionship, support, & decision-making. Single parents must be particularly careful to avoid the tendency to become overly dependent & expect their children to fulfil all their needs.
Denial: Parents who cannot admit their own mistakes or faults seriously jeopardize their relationship with their children. This kind of denial is equally deadly when parents refuse to face family problems or difficulties, & continue on a collision course without seeking help.
Defensiveness: A defensive parent takes everything personally & interprets casual remarks, & even compliments, as attacks or insults. This type of parent is a master at driving children away.
Defiance: The defiant parent boldly resists the authority or opposition of others. He is openly hostile & challenges those who do not share his views. He often appears to have a superiority complex & tramples those around him in order to get what he wants. As children grow older they naturally develop their own ideals. If their emerging values are ignored or ridiculed by a parent with a superior attitude, the children are not likely to spend much time with that parent.
Demeaning: This type of parent constantly puts other people down with comments that degrade them or cause them to think less of themselves. But when children hear words like, "Can't you ever do anything right?" they are not likely to improve their behaviour or actions. In fact, such words usually have the opposite effect.
Depression: A depressed parent feels so woeful about his World & himself that he tends to withdraw from others & the responsibilities of the household. He is consumed by feelings of gloom, discouragement, & inadequacy. When parents lose hope in the possibility of a better life, they cease any efforts to make changes. This attitude affects every member of the family, & children grow up with one goal in mind--to escape the situation as soon as possible.
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Can you find something positive in problems, pressures, conflicts, illnesses, crises, failures, disappointments, & less than ideal situations? Consider some of the following possibilities:
1. Children can learn how to deal with problems by watching their parents cope.
2. Experiencing negative situations fosters a greater appreciation of the positive.
3. Solving problems together can bring the family closer together.
4. A special sense of satisfaction develops when problems are solved.
5. Learning to develop coping procedures to deal with small problems will give you confidence to deal with bigger problems.
List the negative aspects of your life on one side of a page & then write at least one positive aspect of each on the opposite side. When you are tempted to feel discouraged or depressed about the negatives, think about each positive point & be thankful.
Step 2: Realise Your True Value.--THE PRIME-TIME PARENTING PERSONALITY
A low sense of self-worth usually develops through years of interaction. People learn that they can't do things as well as others, that they are poor decision-makers, or that they make too many mistakes. To rise above these feelings is by far the hardest task of the prime-time parent. But it is vitally important if one is to grow.
Step 3: Get to Know Yourself and Accept What You Can't Change.--THE PRIME-TIME PARENTING PERSONALITY
Although you can choose to change your attitudes, your behavior, & your habits, there are aspects of your life that are difficult to change--your physical looks, for example, a physical handicap, the family situation, your job, your previous mistakes. If a positive, dynamic attitude is to prevail, these aspects of life must be accepted. Don't waste valuable energy by worrying, fretting & complaining about the things you can't control. Accept them, and channel this energy toward improving those aspects of life that can be changed.
Step 4: Meet Your Own Needs without Sacrificing the Family.--THE PRIME-TIME PARENTING PERSONALITY
The logical consequence of realising your value as a person is to accept the fact that you have certain needs that must not be denied or repressed. Your responsibility then is to develop a plan to meet your needs without sacrificing family needs.
Almost all parents need:
1) Private time of their own;
2) Supportive adult friends;
3) Time to pursue their hobbies & interests; and
4) Someone to take over the household tasks occasionally.
Prime-time parents can meet these needs in various ways.
Need #1: Finding a private time of your own:
1. Regularly schedule quality private time. The amount of time is less important than the quality of that time. Giving up private time is analogous to forgetting to eat a meal. Missing an occasional meal will not noticeably affect your weight, but allowing this to happen on a daily basis will soon have a significant impact. Missing a private time occasionally will probably have no noticeable effect on your own sense of satisfaction. But continual neglect of this need will reduce your sense of personal satisfaction & harm the quality of family relationships.
2. Use travel time as your personal time.
3. Get up an hour before the family & do something you really want to do.
4. Combine your private time with an activity that is uplifting or beneficial. Many prime-time parents combine exercise time with their private think time.
5. Reserve the first 15 minutes after you get home from work as your private uninterrupted time. If the family knows how important this time is for you, they will be happy to allow you these few minutes alone.
6. Buy a headset or earphones & put on your favourite music.
7. Reserve lunch hours for yourself. Find a comfortable, private place & kick off your shoes. Put your feet up.
Need #2: Supportive adult friends.
1. Be friendly. Don't hesitate to be the first one to speak. Show a genuine interest in others. Discuss the other person's interests.
2. Seek friends who have families with children of a similar age. When you plan activities together, the children can enjoy themselves & you can enjoy adult friendship.
3. Invite friends home. Don't isolate yourself by using the family as an excuse.
4. Take a honeymoon at least once a year.
5. Offer to help another working parent when help is needed. When you see the need, fill it without waiting to be asked.
6. Volunteer your time to help in some worthwhile cause.
Need #3: Finding time to pursue your own hobbies & interests.
1. Include the family. Encourage them to participate with you. Help them get started on a similar project that you can work on together. Share your interests with the family.
2. Set up a regular time each week to pursue your hobby or interest.
Step 5: Establish Balanced Family Relationships.--THE PRIME-TIME PARENTING PERSONALITY
Prime-time parents must establish balanced family relationships if they hope to find personal fulfilment for themselves & for each person in the family. There are three essential relational qualities that must be kept in constant balance among family members to insure healthy interactions. These are love, freedom, & responsibility.
Love:
Love is the first & most crucial ingredient for a balanced, harmonious family life. If love is freely given & freely accepted with no strings attached, individual freedom & responsibility can develop.
Love is the strongest power that we all have at our disposal. Experiencing it, & helping others to experience it, will change the most hopeless & discouraging circumstances. Love can even bring major family upheaval & disorder into balance.
Freedom:
Freedom, especially the freedom to make choices, is a vital factor in everyone's life. The freedom to make choices is enhanced in love relationships because each person is assured that if he makes a poor choice & fails, he will still be loved.
Responsibility:
Responsibility is the third vital quality in relationships. Taking responsibility can mean two things: 1) Fulfilling the duties that are clearly yours; and 2) Taking responsibility for the decisions that you make.
If any family member leans to an extreme in any of these three areas, his life will be thrown out of balance. If a parent's life is out of balance it affects the lives of those he is living with. It's similar to the building of a tower. If the foundation stones are not properly balanced, anything placed on top of those stones will lean. As the tower grows, the lean becomes more accentuated, & the lack of balance threatens to destroy the whole structure. In the family, parents are the foundation stones. If their lives are not balanced, the rest of the family is pushed out of balance, & it becomes almost impossible for them to experience personal fulfilment. Other family members are forced to adjust to the tilt or compensate for the imbalance.
LEARNING MORE ABOUT CHILD DEVELOPMENT
Children develop best when parents act on knowledge & educated common sense & not instinct or guesswork alone. Most new parents know very little about child development. Prime-time parents must be willing to learn & to continue learning through a child's growing years.
If parents have never studied or had much experience with babies & young children, their expectations may be unrealistic. Young teenage parents with little knowledge or experience can expect their children to do certain things before the child is developmentally ready.
In many instances, whether it was a social smile or a first word, these teenage parents expected this behaviour weeks & sometimes months before the average child is actually capable. Imagine how much frustration & anguish these young parents would have been spared had they known what to expect! (Editor: If they've had a lot of experience in childcare, of course, this would rarely apply.)
At this point you may want to test yourself to see how well your expectations compare to expert opinion. At what age would you expect the following behaviors to occur? Your score may motivate you to learn more about children!
1. Sitting up.
2. Purposefully reaching for & grasping objects.
3. Understanding when someone is talking about him.
4. Creeping (on stomach).
5. Crawling (on hands & knees).
6. Seeking for a hidden object.
7. Walking alone.
8. Understanding the command "no."
9. Speaking in simple sentences.
10. Sleeping through the night.
11. Peddling a tricycle.
12. Girls begin menstruation.
13. Able to draw a diamond.
[Answers: 1) 6mo; 2) 3 mo; 3) 9mo; 4) 7-8 mo; 5) 8-9 mo; 6) 5 mo; 7) 12 mo; 8) 9 mo; 9) 2yr; 10) 6 mo; 11) 3 yr; 12) 11-14 yr; 13) 7yr.]
A Child Development Guide for the Working Parent
There are certain developmental concepts that are extremely important for prime-time parents to know. These concepts relate to the developing child's needs & behaviour, & can cause family conflicts if working parents are not aware of them.
Infancy--the first year--A Child Development Guide for the Working Parent
The first month of life is an adjustment period for the entire family. Baby is adjusting to life outside of his mother's warm "incubator." Mom is adjusting to breastfeeding and/or getting her body back in shape. Dad is adjusting to a new mouth to feed. Dad & Mom are both adjusting to sleepless nights. Everybody is more tired, more irritable, & probably needs more attention than ever before. Mom needs Dad. Dad needs Mom. The older children need to be convinced that their place & importance in the family has not been usurped by the newcomer. And the baby seems to need everything!
Do yourself & your family a favor by taking time to strengthen the relationship between you & your newborn. Spend as much time together as possible. Psychologists consider this period prime time to establish the bonding process.
The absent father (or mother) syndrome begins when Dad or Mom spend very little time with the infant. Time together is the one essential element necessary for bonding to occur. It is impossible to form attachments unless time is invested in a relationship. When the father fails to spend time with the infant during the first four or five months, the child doesn't recognise him as a familiar person; between five & eight months of age, he may even cry when the father picks him up. If the child doesn't know his father, he doesn't develop trust in him, so when the father tries to help the child, the child won't respond. He cries harder, pushes his father away, & if he has mastered his first word, he now uses it & yells, "Mamamamamama!" This situation is obviously frustrating to the father.
Because of the father's lack of satisfaction in the relationship, he usually will not respond as readily to the infant's future cries for help. Instead, he will call for his wife to take care of the infant's needs. The result, of course, is that the father spends less & less time with the infant. The child never really gets to know & establish a relationship with his father. Thus, it becomes almost impossible for the father to be effective in the care & training of his child.
In too many cases, the father continues to absent himself from the care & nurturing of his growing child. Instead of spending time with his child, he tries to buy the child's love & attention by offering him little gifts--until he willingly hands his 16-year-old son keys to a new Porsche because he feels guilty that he didn't have time to watch his son pitch a high school baseball game.
During the first year, a child develops so rapidly that one must always be aware of new skills & capabilities in order to prevent accidents. I often hear parents lament:
"Yesterday he couldn't roll over. Today I left the baby on the bed for a moment & he rolled off."
"Yesterday she couldn't stand up in the crib. I left the guardrail down & today she tumbled out."
"Yesterday he couldn't crawl. Today he crawled to the stairs & fell down the whole flight."
This is a normal pattern during the first year, so it's vital to know what developmental changes to expect next. Then you can safety-proof your home & avoid needless worry about possible accidents. Put breakables or harmful substances away. Medicines & poisons should be kept in locked containers far out of reach. Caustic cleaning solutions should be stored in childproof locked closets. Discard broken equipment & frayed electrical cords. Place safety plugs in electrical sockets. Turn the temperature on the water heater down so a child can't get scalded with hot tap water. Remove poisonous plants from the house & yard. Fence dangerous equipment or swimming pools. Remove sharp-cornered furniture. Keep the doors of the older children's rooms shut, as it is usually impossible to keep every potentially dangerous object there out of reach.
Toddlers--from 1 to 2-1/2 years of age--A Child Development Guide for the Working Parent
This is the time when the child takes his first steps toward independence. He starts talking, so he can ask for what he wants. He perfects his walking, so he can go wherever he wants. He starts feeding himself, so he can eat what he wants. This all culminates in what people call the "terrible twos." But this child who is growing so independent continues to need people who will give him attention, affection, & affirmation of his worth. The toddler also needs firm, gentle, consistent discipline as he begins testing out parent-imposed limitations in his life.
Preschoolers--from 2-1/2 to 5 years of age--A Child Development Guide for the Working Parent
This is the age when children become more interested in other children. They need a variety of toys & play equipment, & a place to play. They need stories, songs, finger plays, & language development experiences. They need someone to answer their questions about how cows make milk & why birds have beaks. They need to be introduced to their community--to have a chance to go shopping at a local market, take a trip to the barbershop, visit the fire station & the zoo.
Children of this age continue to thrive in groups with a small adult-child ratio. Make sure that the teacher is not overworked, loves her job, & shows an individual interest in each one of her little charges.
The School-Age Child--A Child Development Guide for the Working Parent
Between six & twelve years of age, a child usually experiences steady, developmental progress. The first years in school are an especially important time for a child to learn to step out on his own & make new friends.
School-age children are sensitive to slights. They want to be accepted. They need to discuss their conflicts with an understanding parent who will not belittle them. Relational problems aren't just blurted out at the dinner table. Children need time to find the right words to ask for help. A typical problem might be, "Mary was calling Julie names & made her cry. I still want Mary to be my friend, but I felt sorry for Julie. What should I do?" This is the time to establish the fact that you are interested in listening to your child's problems & will offer good practical advice. School-age children are much more interested in asking for & taking parental advice than teenagers. If you take the time to establish good communication with your school-age children, they will be more willing to accept parental counsel when they are teenagers.
This is the age when children need training in taking responsibility. They enjoy completing & checking off a list of chores that have been left for them. They also enjoy learning new skills & playing games.
Teenagers--A Child Development Guide for the Working Parent
Working parents often think they're in the home stretch when their child reaches his teens. He is not as dependent upon his parents, & he is fully capable of taking care of himself. Therefore, when parents are away from the home they tend to leave teenagers with little or no supervision.
Some working parents, however, feel that it is even more important to spend time with their children during the critical teenage years. This is the age when children can reap bitter consequences if parents don't provide proper guidance & supervision. One parent stated, "To encourage & influence my teenagers, instead of threatening & forcing them, requires every ounce of my intelligence, judgement & wit."
Teenagers need attention. They need someone to talk to. They need someone who thinks they are special. If they don't receive this attention from their parents, & sometimes even if they do, they will establish this type of relationship with someone else. Members of their own peer group often fill this need, & without parental guidance they may be led into drug experimentation or questionable habits that make them feel important.
Teenagers need to be needed. They want to do worthwhile work. If your child is too young for an outside job, create one at home. Hire him to do various chores & pay him whatever you would pay someone else.
Your teenager should be in your thoughts & your plans as much as younger children. Your home must be as responsive to the teenager's needs as it was to your preschooler's needs. If it's not, teenagers will choose to spend their time elsewhere.
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Now focus on your child & ask yourself these questions:
1. What do you think your child's basic needs are at this time?
2. How are you as a working parent meeting those needs? Is there anything else you feel you should be doing?
3. As you look ahead to your child's next stage of development, what changes do you feel you may have to make in order to better meet his developmental needs?
Recognising Problem Behaviour
It is important for prime-time parents to spot problem behavior in its first stages. In this way, necessary changes can be made before deep-seated emotional problems envelop a child's life. Be aware of the possible signs that may occur when a child does not feel good about himself and when he is experiencing an emotional problem.
Signs of lack of self-worth
Low self-worth does not develop suddenly. It's a slow process that occurs when a child perceives that the significant people in his life don't think very much of him. In reality, they may love & care for him very much, but his perception is the important factor. If a child feels that his own parents don't love him or think that he isn't as good as other children, his belief in himself will be seriously damaged. Even if parents shower their children with love & support, there may be periods when he feels that other people don't like him, or that his friends are rejecting him. When this occurs, his self-esteem may suffer.
The behaviors listed below might be considered signs of low self-worth for the pre-school & school-age child. If your child exhibits some of these signs, don't assume that he has an emotional problem. Consider such behavior an indication that your child could use a little more quality time with you.
Signs of Low Self-Worth
1. Child is unrealistically fearful.
a. Does not ask questions or is afraid to answer questions. Encourage questions when you are alone with the child or in a safe family setting. Reward the child for asking questions by saying, "That's a good question," or "I can tell you were really thinking." In turn, ask the child questions. At first, make sure your questions have simple or obvious answers. Accept all answers by saying something like, "That's an interesting idea."
b. When asked to do something, immediately says, "I don't know how." Reassure the child that it is okay not to know how. Say, "When I was your age I didn't know how either." Offer to do it & "hire" him as your special assistant. Let him do every small part of the task that he is obviously capable of.
c. Afraid to try things for the first time, even when a teacher or parent offers help. Reassure him that it is acceptable to watch. Let him decide when he will try something new. One way to do this is to ask him, "How long do you think you'll want to watch before trying?" After he indicates the amount of time he needs, tell him to let you know when he's ready so you can help him.
d. Is afraid to be left in a new situation or with a new person. Stay with the child until he feels comfortable. Ask him to tell you when it is okay for you to leave. Don't appear anxious to go. If you have allowed a reasonable time, you might warn the child, "I will have to leave in one hour." When the hour is up, go to the child & say, "Goodbye," tell him when you will return, & leave. Keep your promise by returning on time.
e. Does not ask for things he needs. Make it easy for a child to ask. Never belittle a child. Reward requests by saying, "I'm glad you asked," & fulfil the request immediately.
2. Child exhibits unusual or negative behaviour.
a. Exhibits excessive, undesirable behavior, such as biting, kicking, hitting or spitting. Realize that these behaviors are indications of a discouraged, unhappy child. Encourage him. Find the little things he does well & capitalise on those. Stop the negative behaviour by saying, "I can't let you hurt someone else," but don't belittle the child with criticism. Teach them positively & definitely.
b. Seeks attention by doing something prohibited, by acting silly, or by disturbing others. * Ignore the bad behaviour, but say, "I bet you'd like me to play with you. Let's go..." Later, tell the child that he can use a magic word to get your attention. Invent a word so you'll both know what it means & the child won't have to resort to inappropriate behaviour to get your attention. *(Editor: The idea of the magic word is cute & could be effective. However, it's certainly best not to just ignore bad behaviour.--It needs to be dealt with. If you ignore it, though it may seem to go away temporarily, the problem will probably recur at a later date, as it's still there in their hearts. You've got to come to terms with real problems. Otherwise, you'll end up, as many modern psychologists & psychiatrists have, blaming bad or anti-social behaviour on circumstances, & never taking the blame yourself.
(It's true to some extent that our parents, mate or school chums may have affected us adversely, but we have some responsibility too, & we need to teach our children that they have responsibility. For example, perhaps your parents did make some mistakes in not giving you the attention you needed, but you don't have to live with the adverse effects of that for the rest of your life. You can change your behaviour, & Jesus can help you get out of that channel. So we need to teach our children that no matter what happens, even if we can't always give them what they need in every respect, Jesus can compensate & be more than enough. He can even help them overcome the adverse results that some of our lacks may have brought about in their lives.)
c. Exhibits such behaviour as lying, stealing, or otherwise being deceptive. This behaviour is often a cry for attention. Spend more quality time with the child. Let him know that you can't be deceived. Say simply, "I know you took the tape. The consequence is that you must return it or pay for it." Don't get in an argument about the truth of a statement.
d. Deliberately hurts others or himself. Simply say, "You may not hurt others or yourself." Stop the child. Hold him. Comfort him. Talk about the situation. "You were really angry. What happened? What else could you do when that happens again?" Make sure he knows that he is special & you won't allow him to hurt himself or others.
3. Child is overly concerned about being liked & accepted.
a. Constantly gives things to people to buy their attention & friendship. Discourage the constant giving of gifts. Concentrate on showing the child how much you like him because he exists, not because of his gifts. Compliment him on things he can't change; for example, his blue eyes or black curly hair. Spend time with the child when it's not related to the receiving of a gift. Explain to a child that the most important gift is friendship because that can't be broken or lost.
4. Child exaggerates or is unrealistic about certain situations.
a. Brags or boasts by saying such things as, "I'm better than you are." Shock the child by agreeing. "You are an important person & can do a lot of things better than _______. Let's list the things you can do better." (Think of the obvious. If a child is smaller, he can crawl through a smaller hole, etc.) Then talk about how everybody can do something better than somebody. But there is always somebody who can do something better than you.
b. Is jealous when a child, parent or teacher shows attention to others. Spend time with the child. Reassure him that he is important & that your love for him will never change.
5. Child has difficulty with social relationships.
a. Is extremely competitive with other children. Deemphasize competition. Be sure that both your words & behaviour give the message that the child is valuable whether or not he wins.
b. Does not initiate contact with others. Show the child how to initiate contacts. For example, show a toy to another child or select a child that looks lonely & walk up & say, "Hi, I'm Jim, do you want to play?"
c. Does not participate in group activities. Don't force him. Let him know it's okay to be a bystander. Give him something special to do.
Emotional problems are often triggered by events & situations in a child's life that are particularly stressful. The following list indicates some of these potentially difficult periods.
Potentially Difficult Times for a Child
1. Parental divorce.
2. Parental conflict in the home (family conflict as well).
3. Parental tension over work or personal problems.
4. Disruption of the home routine, such as too much company staying for too long a time.
5. New situations, like starting school or a new babysitter.
6. Dissatisfaction with one's own behaviour, such as not being able to stay dry during the night.
7. Too much criticism of the child.
8. Unrealistic expectations of the child.
9. Lack of sufficient quality time together with the family.
10. Problems with making friends at school.
11. Scholastic pressures or difficulties (such as learning to read, meeting a deadline for an essay etc.)
12. Illness, fatigue, or the death of a family member.
Once in a while my work piles up & several deadlines come due at once. When pressures hit my husband Jan at the same time, we often notice emotional & behavioral changes in our children. During one such period Kevin's behaviour became atrocious. He refused to get dressed in the morning, he wouldn't brush his teeth, he wouldn't get into the bathtub, & once he was, he wouldn't get out. He couldn't find anything to do at home, even though his room was filled with toys, so he would pounce upon me like a little lion cub. I shortened my working hours, said "no" to a couple of commitments, Jan caught up at work, & before long Kevin was back to being the spice of our lives instead of the fly that spoiled the ointment!
Once you have observed potential danger signals in your child's behaviour, what should you do? First, look for the reason. Reconstruct the events of the last month or two. Did anything unusual or stressful happen during this time? Try to pinpoint the onset of this behaviour to give you a clue to the changes that need to be made to prevent further problems.
Second, establish a closer relationship with your child. If your child is very young, spend more time together. Give him more attention & touch him frequently--rub his back or hold him on your lap. If the child is older, do something special together. Show that you are supportive & interested in the child in unique ways. Talk together. Be as open as possible about your feelings.
Third, determine if the problem is a person-problem, a situation-problem, or both, & establish a plan of attack. A person-problem can only be solved by the person with the problem. A person-problem might be a child who bullies other children or a six-year-old who still sucks her thumb. When these behaviors become habitual, they are almost impossible to change unless the children themselves are willing to make a change.
Situation-problems can only be solved by changing the situation, such as a wet diaper etc. These can often be solved by parents, especially if a young child is involved.
Getting to Know Your Child's Individual Characteristics
Parents must accept & work with what they have--a unique, special individual. Some children are simply more difficult to rear. For example, a child who is moody, & has irregular bodily functions, intense emotions, & slow adaptability is not going to be as easy to raise as a more pleasant, easygoing adaptable child.
Your responsibility is to show your child unconditional love & acceptance--regardless of his individual characteristics or traits. Parents must realistically help a child accept his own strengths & weaknesses & grow toward his own unique potential.
Being the Person You Want Your Child to Be
Although you may not be able to change your child's innate characteristics, you can influence his development by being the person you want him to be. Children model adults--both the bad & the good.
What about all those bad habits you don't want your children to pick up? What about smoking, lying, cheating, showing anger, mouthing off, shirking duties, staying up late, or watching too much TV? You may not be perfect in all those areas, but you can give your children these positive examples. Let them know that you want to & can change. Set short-term goals for your advancement, & meet those goals. Recognize your failures. Encourage the family to remind you when you start to fall, & accept your lapses with good humor. Don't be defensive & spout off hollow excuses. Finally, be willing to apologize when necessary. Don't blame someone else for your behaviour.
When they copy behaviour that you don't like in yourself, it is easier for you to recognise it. Furthermore, negative examples are often highly charged emotionally; anger & aggression, for example. Such behaviour is not only easy to notice, it is also very easy for children to model. The next time you raise your voice at the children & threaten them, listen. Before long you'll probably hear them threaten a younger sibling, curse the dog, or even yell at a toy.
HOW TO TUCK LOVE INTO EVERY POCKET OF TIME
When you think of filling your child's life with love, it seems like an enormous task. You hardly know where to begin. But you can start by viewing time in little pockets--five minutes here, ten minutes there--that can be filled to the brim right now--not tomorrow or next month or next year. Your constant thought should not be, "When will I ever find the time?" Rather it should be, "I have a five-minute pocket of time; what can I do right now that will get the `I love you' message across to my child?"
How Do You Say, "I Love You"?
Most parents are willing to give everything they have to their children. They will sacrifice their own needs & work long hours to provide their children with the necessities, as well as the luxuries of life. But if a parent neglects to give a child love, nothing else can substitute for that gap. The child will suffer. Parental love is of primary importance.
You can't say "I love you" with things. Love can be expressed by words & actions, but in order for either of these methods to be effective, a parent must spend time with a child. Love is communicated by the time spent individually with your child, & by the time spent in pleasant family activities. It is your "presence," not your "presents," that really expresses your love.
This does not mean that you must spend every minute with your child. However, when your absence is necessary, you must continue to communicate love messages, & convince your child that your absence does not mean other people are more important to you than he is.
What if a child does not want to spend time with you? Parents of teenagers told me that they would gladly spend time with their children if the children wanted them to. Now they have the time. Their children are old enough to converse & enjoy some of the same activities their parents enjoy. But their teenagers often want nothing to do with them. "Dad never had time for me when I wanted him to take me hiking & fishing; why should I include him in my activities now?"
Make yourself & your love readily accessible. Be fun to be with. Create an atmosphere of warm acceptance & most children, including rebellious teens, will be drawn to you.
Making Presence Qualitatively Meaningful
Let's go through the day & see how you can get the most out of your time with your children.
1. Morning: Instead of yelling, "Time to get up," walk to the children's bedroom, whisper in their ear that it's time to get up, & then stroke their foreheads as they open their sleepy eyes.
2. Goodbye time: Instead of running out the door, say "Goodbye." Wink at the children as you turn to leave & then blow them a kiss from the car.
3. Midday: Instead of working straight through the day, take a break & think of a way you can communicate your love to your child. Call him at school, bring him something from the office, remember to tell him the joke you just heard.
4. Evening: Instead of letting everyone go about their different tasks, do a few things together. Talk, smile, laugh, & give your child a pat on the back when a task is finished.
The Importance of an Unconditional Loving Relationship
The important key to helping our children develop desirable characteristics is love--unconditional love. No matter what mistakes a parent may make, if a child knows that he is loved, he can overlook many of these mistakes. And, with the sense of worth that love brings, he can grow into an emotionally healthy adult.
When parents begin tucking love into every pocket of a child's life, they must not base this shower of affection & acceptance on the child's behaviour. The kind of love that must be tucked into pockets of time is the kind of love that is unconditionally given, no matter what the child does.
Enjoy Your Child
It's always sad to hear parents say, "I can hardly wait for my child to get through the diaper stage." If you are really interested in filling every pocket of time with as much love as you can pack into it, you must enjoy being with your children. You have to enjoy them just the way they are, at whatever stage they may be. Here are some suggestions to help you create that sense of enjoyment.
Be prepared. Husbands, how do you feel when your wife & children have truly prepared for your homecoming in the evening; when dinner is ready & the mail is lying in a place where you can find it? When someone has made an extra effort on your behalf, you know that person has been thinking about you. You feel loved. Children feel the same way. If you prepare for their birth & their various developmental stages, the time you spend with them will more likely be quality time.
Keep a diary, scrapbook, or picture album. Collecting the children's cute sayings, anecdotes, photographs, drawings, & other interesting miscellany helps build memories for future enjoyment. Collecting & recording can add to your enjoyment right now, if you keep the task easy.
Play games with your child. Playing games with children means getting involved with them at their level; being responsive to their behaviour. Start at birth. Play the "I'll touch-your-nose, & tickle-your-tummy, & pedal-your-feet & stretch-your-arms-up-so-high" games. Toddlers love the chase-me-but-don't-catch-me game & peek-a-boo. Preschoolers enjoy pretend games like let's-play-house. School-age children enjoy organised games like basketball, baseball & Ping-Pong--if you are skillful enough to allow them to win without letting them know what you are doing.
Dovetail your interests. Young children are interested in collecting earthworms & catching ladybugs, digging in the dirt pile or jumping in the pile of leaves. Forget yourself & enjoy your child's interests. Pull weeds while you're collecting earthworms, or finish your crossword puzzle by the pile of leaves. The important thing is that you are enjoying the activity that your child is interested in.
Do what you enjoy (or what you have to do) & take the children along. Why not take the children along on a business trip if you think you might have a few pockets of time when you could enjoy each other? A colleague who works long hours & takes frequent business trips to Washington, D.C. takes each of his teenagers with him once a year. While Dad attends meetings, the teenager fills his mind with thousands of interesting facts & sights at the Smithsonian Institute. Each evening they do something special together.
If photography is your thing, introduce your child to the darkroom. Choose an activity that you really enjoy & include your child, but remember his developmental capabilities. He may not be able to sit through a long meeting, hike ten miles a day, or fish on a quiet lake without rocking the boat, but with a little modification you may be able to take your child along & create a memorable occasion for both of you.
Take time to enjoy each child individually. Ideally each parent should try to spend some daily individual time with each child. Finding this time is more difficult when families are large. With each new birth parents have less time to give the other children alone.
One very busy travelling evangelist, who was also the father of six, solved this problem by making bedtime his time with the children. Every night when he was home, he scheduled their bedtime at half hour intervals. This gave him time to talk over the events of the day, read to the children, & listen to each child's prayers individually.
Do the Unexpected
I once read an unforgettable account about a father & his 7-year-old son. On an August night, the father bundled up the sleeping child & carried him into the darkness. As the boy's sleep-filled eyes began to focus on his surroundings, the father shouted, "Look!" And there in the sky the little boy saw a star leap from its place & fall toward the ground. Then incredibly, another star fell, & another & another. That was all. But the boy never forgot that night when his father did the unexpected.
How often do we miss the beauty & richness of life because we are locked into routines & schedules, & we are afraid to take advantage of the unknown, the unplanned, & the unexpected? Keep a "Why-not" list. This is a list of way-out, interesting, crazy things to do with or for your children. When the opportunity is right & the children are least expecting it, surprise them with the announcement, "Why not...?"
At the top of a Why-not list I suggest a love note. Why not write a love note when it is least expected? For years mothers have been tucking little notes into children's lunch pails, but have you thought about taping a note to his toothbrush, or on the ceiling of his bedroom so he will see it as soon as he wakes up, or putting it under his napkin at the dinner table?
Here are some other "Why-not" ideas. Why not take the child to some unexpected place or do something out of the ordinary? Why not milk a cow? Why not visit the local radio station? Why not paddle down the river or float on inner tubes (if you've got a river close by)? Why not sit on the roof & watch the full moon come up? Why not catch butterflies, or fly a kite, or have a three-legged race? Why not camp out in your backyard with sleeping bags & a campfire? Why not just stop in the middle of your ironing or dusting to read your child a story?
Open Doors for Your Child
One of a parent's greatest privileges is to open new & wonderful doors of possibility to a child. One day, after winning a tennis tournament, the young teenage winner was asked when she first became interested in tennis. She thought for a moment & replied, "it was the day my father gave it to me." The reporters, not understanding her reply, try to clarify, "You mean, when your father bought you a racket & ball?" "No," she replied, "it was the day Dad took off from work & played with me. That was the day he gave me tennis."
Open the door to good cooking by sharing kitchen responsibilities with your child. Let her read your cookbook or take her out to eat at a gourmet restaurant & then encourage her to experiment on her own. Open the door to the artistic world by frequenting art museums & galleries. Plan to open a door for your child today.
Be an Effective Communicator
Studies on teenage runaways suggest that the most important way a parent can help a troubled adolescent is to listen. Running away is a desperate attempt to communicate what parents were not willing to listen to before. Being a good listener is a simple way to show you understand & care. Here are some guidelines to follow:
1. Show interest in your child's conversation. Look up. Make appropriate comments. Stop what you are doing.
2. Don't correct his speech while he is talking to you.
3. Focus on the hidden message--if you think there might be one.
4. Don't contradict his story or the points he is making until he has finished & wants your opinions.
5. Don't squelch a child when he voices offbeat values or comes to an impossible conclusion. Don't laugh, make fun of, belittle, tear down, or in any other way make it more difficult for a child to open up his heart & ideas to you in the future.
6. Be an active listener. Active listening means active involvement with the person who is communicating. To show that you are actively listening, make little expressions of understanding, such as, "Yes, ah ha, I see," etc.
7. Encourage your child to talk, to express himself, & to share his values & goals. One way to encourage the child to share his world with you is to have a talk-about-it bowl or basket that sits on the kitchen table. During the day, the children can put objects, notes, newspaper clippings, or articles into the bowl that they would like to talk about during dinner.
Write a variety of questions on paper placemats. Cover them with clear contact paper so they will last. Choose questions that will stimulate a good conversation. When the dinner conversation seems to drag, read off a question, like, "What would you do if you just inherited a million Dollars?" Or, "If you knew you were going to die in one month, how would you spend your time?"
8. Children should be encouraged to communicate on the feeling level.
If children are going to learn to communicate their feelings, then you must encourage them to do so. Does your child know that it is safe to say, "Mommy, I feel sad. Hold me a little bit." "Mom, I feel discouraged. Do you have a minute to talk?" "Dad, I got angry when you spoke to me like that. Can we discuss it?"
What kind of communicator are you? For one hour while your whole family is together, tape-record your conversation. Then analyse your interactions.
Prepare for Separation
It is often easier for children to accept their parents' vacations or business trips if they know that they will be invited along some other time. Children suffer most when they don't know when or why their parents are leaving, and when they feel that they will never be able to join their parents.
When young children are separated from their parents, the most difficult part of the day is often bedtime. One parent solved this problem by reading stories to her child over a cassette tape recorder. Her daughter was reminded of Mom's love at the end of every day when she heard her mother's words, "I love you & miss you. So snuggle up in your warm, cozy bed. I'm going to blow you a kiss. Did you catch it? Now there's a special story for my special little girl."
Take Advantage of the Prime-Prime-Times
There are extra-special times when your presence or absence will have a tremendous impact on the child. I consider 1) arrival & departure times, 2) performance time, and 3) bedtime as prime-prime-times.
1. Arrival & departure times. Arrivals & departures should be family celebration times. No matter how insignificant these times may seem, make some preparations & take some time off from your busy schedule to affirm your love for the arriving or departing member of the family.
Departure times can be more meaningful if they are not rushed. In most homes, including ours, the average after-breakfast departure time is a disaster. "Grab your lunch pail." "Kevin, get your shoes." "You forgot to wash your face." "No, I don't know where your note that I was supposed to sign is." Finally, when they are gone you collapse in the midst of dirty dishes, thankful that you have once again lived through the departure hurricane that has just swept through your house.
Again, preparation is the key. Our most pleasant mornings begin the night before: The children have prepared their box lunches, set the table, organised their clothes, & put everything they have to take to school by the back door. It also helps when they get up early enough to get themselves ready & still have time to help Jan & me with breakfast. Then we have time to enjoy each other.
2. Performance time. A child's performance time is a prime time for parents to show love & support. It doesn't matter how small a part your child has in a performance, your presence is meaningful. At such times, parents should support their children because they are trying, & pat them on the back even if they strike out or fumble the ball.
3. Bedtime. Bedtime is by far the nicest, coziest, & most enjoyable part of the day. If I could choose only 15 minutes a day to spend with my children, it would be the 15 minutes before bedtime.
Bedtime can be a hassle if it's not well planned--if the kids are dead tired, haven't done their homework, and are bickering about who should pick up the dirty clothes left in the bathroom. To set the stage properly, there has to be adequate preparation & planning. Bedtime is most enjoyable when the children are not exhausted or rushed.
This is the time when I listen to my children's prayers, tuck them in with a hug & a kiss, & then linger around after the lights are off to chat, rub backs, & snuggle--if they feel like a snuggle.
PRIME-TIME DISCIPLINE: THE PREVENTIVE APPROACH
The goal of effective prime-time discipline is self-discipline. That's the preventive approach. Working parents can't oversee & police all their children's activities. Therefore, they must teach their children how to make good decisions about their own behaviour. When children are self-controlled rather than parent-controlled, it frees time for more creative, enjoyable, & happy family interactions--more quality time together.
Children's inappropriate behaviour ranges from childish irresponsibility (such as forgetting to feed the dog & accidentally spilling the milk) to wilful defiance of parental authority. In between these two extremes there is a wide range of "normal" misbehavior by children who persistently challenge the limitations imposed by adults.
In order to avoid unnecessary conflict, a parent must understand the difference between discipline & punishment. Punishment is a penalty imposed upon a child for a wrong-doing. Discipline, on the other hand, is a teaching process. It helps him learn lessons that will make him a better person.
Punishment is arbitrarily imposed; discipline relates directly to a child's inappropriate behaviour. For example, Tim was late getting home from school & had not notified his mother. If she chose to punish him, she might take his bicycle away for two weeks & spank him for his irresponsibility. If, on the other hand, she chose a disciplinary action, she might not allow Tim to watch his favourite TV show that evening so that he could have the time to finish the homework & chores he'd neglected by arriving home late. She might also set up some careful limitations for future behaviour. "Unless you call home & receive permission for a variance, you must be home thirty minutes after school each day or no TV that night." When discipline is effective it avoids needless conflict & enhances the possibilities for more quality family time.
Remember to keep the request simple. When you make a request, you must always be aware of your child's ability to understand & remember that request.
Most parents make far too many requests of their children. "Kevin, brush your teeth & wash your face. Be sure to go to the bathroom before we leave. You forgot to clear your plate from the table. And have Kim run a comb through your hair." My 7-year-old can't even follow this string of requests. I know because we have tried it & it has never worked! Very few children will speak up & say, "Hold it. I can't remember everything you're telling me to do." Instead, they signal us silently by failing to follow all our instructions. And we respond by accusing them of disobedience! So, when you are trying to teach your child that you are an authority, remember this little jingle:
Just ask the child one thing to do
And then make sure you follow through.
The Qualities of an Effective Disciplinarian
Keep Open.
Being open means that parents are approachable; that they will listen. It means that they will seriously consider another person's (even a little person's) suggestions, criticism, needs, concerns, demands, & wishes before making a decision, rather than jealously guarding this function as their own parental right.
Be consistent.
Let's pretend that you think it's very important for your child to make his bed each morning. Your child knows exactly how you feel--it is a rule that he should obey. But you are very busy during those morning hours & often forget to check his room. When you do check & find an unmade bed, you sometimes feel that it's easier to ignore the infraction than to exert the extra effort needed to get him to make his bed before the school bus arrives. So you decide to wait until after school. Then, by the time you both get home, the bed is forgotten.
Now, you still feel very strongly about the bed, & you have communicated this to your child in no uncertain terms. Shouldn't this be enough to get the job done? He clearly knows what he should do. Why doesn't he do it? The reason is that this requirement has not been consistently enforced.
Children will abide by reasonable requirements & limitations, but their tendency is to do as little as possible. Even a two-year-old will try to get away with as much as he can. He'll quickly learn that even though his parents say "no" frequently, the limits will come tumbling down if he kicks hard enough. When his persistent challenging meets with parental inconsistency, he'll be encouraged to kick at every limit he would just as soon do without.
Balance tenderness & firmness.
A good disciplinarian constantly walks the tightrope between firmness & tenderness. Sometimes he may tip in one direction but he corrects the error with a little tip in the opposite direction. He is not afraid to be firm, but he is equally unafraid to be tender.
Provide encouragement.
Inspire your child with a sense of hope; assure him of your support & your trust in his capabilities.
Between the plunking of the typewriter keys, I thought I heard a whimper. I left the study to investigate. Kari was sitting on the piano bench, her eyes brimming with tears. "What's wrong, Kari?" I asked.
"I can't do it. It's too hard. I'll never get a gold star at my next lesson," she cried.
"Oh, I don't know about that," I said. "What is the first note of your piece?" Step by step I began encouraging her to pick her way through the difficult music. I sat beside her as she played it over & over again until it was mastered.
That night Kari hugged & kissed me with extra feeling & bounced off to her bed joyfully. The next day the joy of encouragement buoyed her again when her teacher rewarded her with a gold star.
Encouragement. What a tranquilizer! What a stimulant! What an antidepressant! What a tonic for whatever ails a child! I don't think there is ever a time when encouragement & hope are inappropriate. A disobedient child is often a discouraged child. He reasons, "When I don't feel good about myself & nothing I do seems to work out, it really doesn't matter how I act. Why even try to be good?" Discouragement can lead to despair, moodiness, even apathy. All these emotions severely restrict a child's ability to cope & to make wise decisions.
Don't risk discouragement; give your child an injection of "hypodermic affection" every three hours, or as often as needed. This quick injection of love can be a hug, a wink, a smile, or a playful nibble on a baby's tummy. These little attentions can give a child a new outlook on life.
Common Mistakes of Parents
The following list of common parental mistakes offers some guidelines to help you err less frequently.
1. Living too close to the problem to view it objectively. One day a frustrated mother lamented to her child's teacher, "I have no idea what I am going to do with my boy. I can't cope with his behavior. He is constantly on my nerves & in my hair & under foot. He is always doing things that annoy me."
"Well," replied the teacher, "have you ever thought of getting him a bicycle?"
"A bicycle!" the parent exclaimed. "Now, how is that going to change his behaviour?"
"Well, it may not change his behaviour," replied the teacher, "but it would spread it over a wider area."
Sometimes problems are magnified because we view them at such close range. Gain a new perspective by stepping away from the situation occasionally. Learn to view your child from the perspective of others. Remember, a child's behaviour is not nearly so irritating if it is spread over a wider area & viewed from a healthy perspective!
2. Being too restrictive or too permissive. Parents who feel insecure about their children's behaviour tend to restrict that behaviour to such an extent that the child has little room to think creatively & misbehave. When a child's behaviour is severely restricted, he cannot learn to make decisions & experience the consequences of those decisions. Overly restricted children are followers; they are overly compliant, shy, & hesitant to reach out to others. These children can surprise parents by suddenly going to the opposite extreme during the teenage years & rebelling against parental values & standards.
The opposite extreme, being too permissive, is equally detrimental to a child's development. If you allow your child to do whatever he pleases, you are heading for conflict throughout the child-rearing years. Overpermissiveness may seem like a good way to avoid conflict, but without parental guidance, children tend to pack together & run wild until their aggressive, noncompliant behaviour gets them into trouble.
3. Expecting misbehavior. When asked the question, "How is your child's behaviour?" one father quipped, "I don't know. He has never behaved!" Children tend to fulfil the expectations of others. If you expect them to be bad, they will usually reward you with this very behaviour. In fact, they may even outdo your expectations. On the other hand, if they know that you trust them to make good decisions (unless they are rebelling against you in some way), they will usually do everything in their power to fulfil those expectations.
4. Being too busy to discipline. The first time a child misbehaves, he must be corrected & taught a more acceptable mode of behavior. If he does it again, he must be corrected again. Surprisingly, however, parents are often too busy to follow through on their instructions to a child. Your arms may be elbow deep in the dishwater; you may be talking on the phone to a business associate; you may be entertaining the boss & his wife. Too often, parents allow the dishes, a caller, or a guest to absorb their full attention, so they ignore misbehavior & neglect to discipline. Disciplining a child after the company has departed is not as effective as immediate disciplinary action. Imagine the impact on your child if you excuse yourself from your company for a few minutes to talk privately with your child about the inappropriateness of his behaviour. Your child will never forget that Mom and Dad will leave whatever they are doing in order to teach their children appropriate behaviour, even though they may be very busy at that time.
5. Not trusting the child's capability for self-discipline. If you have established a good rapport with your child during the early years, & have taught him that you are a wise decision-maker, then you can trust him to make more & more of his own decisions as he grows older & more independent.
Individuals who know they are trusted are able to exert a great deal of self-control & willpower. In college, I had a dormitory dean who trusted each one of her girls implicitly. Even though I had many opportunities to break dormitory rules, or sneak in late, I never did because I did not want to lose that trust.
SOLVING JOB & FAMILY CONFLICTS--Becoming Dispensable to the Family.
Becoming dispensable to your family does not mean that you are no longer important to them. It simply means that your family can survive without disruption & pain when your job becomes particularly demanding. This is possible if you follow these guidelines.
1. Make sure your family knows that they are more important than your job. When children feel that something else holds first place in your life they will constantly strive for that valued position. They will test your love, argue, fight, complain, & resent whatever fills that number-one place. To alleviate these feelings, you must convince your children of their prime importance. This is only possible if you follow the second guideline.
2. Be with your family when it really counts. Every family has special times when togetherness is particularly important--mealtimes, worship times, after-school times, bedtime, birthdays, holidays, special school activities, performance times, and so on. Select the priority times for your family & BE THERE! It might entail some inconvenience--coming home for supper, for example, and then returning to work--but this will convince your family that they do indeed come first.
3. Include your family in your job. When family members feel excluded from a major & important part of your life, they tend to resent it. Be willing to share. Even if aspects of your job are confidential, you can still share the tensions & deadlines with your family. You can still say, "I'm facing an important deadline right now. I need your encouragement & support for the next three days & then we'll celebrate."
4. Teach your children self-sufficiency. If you teach your children to handle various chores on their own, you'll be able to spend your free time with your children in enjoyable ways, rather than tying up that time in a constant round of necessary & routine activities. If your children can prepare simple meals, you won't feel guilty if the boss asks you to come in early or work overtime. You can feel confident that they can pack their own lunches, get themselves off to school on time, or prepare supper for the family.
5. Don't expect perfection from others. Working mothers, especially, must guard against this tendency, & accept & appreciate whatever help they receive from others. When Junior washes a tub of clothing, don't criticize the amount of soap he used. Just say thanks, & casually mention that a half cup will suffice the next time. When your daughter fixes supper & burns the beans, tell her you appreciate her hard work, & explain how easy it is for food to stick to the bottom of the pan & burn if it isn't stirred. Don't kill their willingness by expecting perfection. Instead, encourage them to learn from their mistakes. It's the effort & the motives that count. With practice, their products & skills will improve.
Don't allow your job to interfere with your family time. Leave your job worries at your place of employment. If you are preoccupied with business dealings & worries when you're with your family, you might as well be at work. In fact, children feel most rejected when a parent is physically available, but psychologically absent. Avoid this family/job conflict. Devote your time at home to the family. Bring work home only when it is absolutely necessary. When your job cuts into time that your family formerly enjoyed together, resentments will surface. When you're too tired to play with your children or go out for an evening with your spouse, your job is interfering with your family.
SHORTCUTS TO PRIME-TIME PARENTING
Every working parent I know is searching for shortcuts. Parents, whether they are working or not, are busy because children have a way of generating a lot of extra housework. In fact, it has been estimated that by the time children are 18, a mother of three will probably spend more than 18,000 hours doing child-generated housework. Add a heavy working schedule to these hours & it is easy to see the time-problem that working parents face. Since prime-time parents want to spend as much time as possible with their children, shortcutting household duties is essential. When you are burdened down with too many responsibilities, you don't have the time to do the things that matter most in your life. The solution is to structure your home & your life to make time for everything that you really want to do. To make this a reality, follow these four principles:
1. Carefully organise & budget the time you have.
2. Learn to delegate; seek other people's help--including your children's--whenever possible.
3. Cut out all unnecessary activities. Ask yourself the question, "What difference will it make if I don't do it?"
4. Become an efficiency expert. Find shortcuts for essential tasks.
Housework has a way of expanding to fill all your available time. To avoid this tendency, compress housework into your schedule & master it; don't let it get out of hand & master you.
Organise Yourself & Your Home (Organisation/Checklists)
1. Write down everything that you have to do.
2. Sort these chores into time categories, such as,
a. Things that must be done today.
b. Things that must be done next week.
c. Things to be done this month.
d. Things that can wait for a more convenient time.
3. Subdivide daily & weekly lists by type of chore, such as telephone calls to be made, appointments, pickups & deliveries, housecleaning tasks, time with children, yard work & office work, writing letters, paying bills etc.
4. Select priorities. Start with the most urgent item that appears on the list of things that must be done today. Then go on to the second & so on.
5. Update your list of things to do daily, by transferring these items to your appointment schedule. A number of chores can be sandwiched into your work schedule by using breaks or the lunch hour efficiently, if you keep your list with you.
6. Plan your week's activities at one time. Check these with your spouse & children. Plan menus, after-work appointments, after-school activities, birthdays, & so on.
7. Schedule routine weekly, monthly, & quarterly activities in advance.
8. Schedule a quarterly family clean-up day in advance. Ask your family to contribute to a list of things that need to be done. Let them bid on the jobs that they want to perform. You may want to make the day more interesting by drawing lots for activities, working against time, or letting the children take turns supervising.
9. Organise your day into habit patterns. A sample daily routine might include the following:
Mornings: (Organisation/Checklists)
[ ] Make beds & put away clothes
[ ] Make breakfast
[ ] Wash dishes
[ ] Take food out of freezer for dinner
[ ] Empty garbage and trash
[ ] Straighten bathrooms
Evenings: (Organisation/Checklists)
[ ] Spend first 30 minutes at home with the children.
[ ] Set table
[ ] Prepare dinner
[ ] Wash dishes
[ ] Wipe off appliances & cabinets
[ ] Sweep kitchen floor
[ ] Make sack lunches for the next day
[ ] Set the table for breakfast
[ ] Help children with homework
[ ] Tackle one cleaning project
Before Bed: (Organisation/Checklists)
[ ] Straighten rooms
[ ] Put out clothes for tomorrow
10. Take a break every hour on the hour no matter what you are doing. You will feel refreshed & more energetic.
11. Try the 20-minute plan. Allow yourself only 20 minutes to accomplish any given task. If necessary, break large tasks into smaller units. This is a good way to create a sense of accomplishment. Projects that might be done in 20 minutes include washing dishes, cleaning out a drawer, making beds, or cleaning the bathroom.
Time-saving tips (Organisation/Checklists)
1. Organize tasks into the following categories: What the kids can do; what I can hire out; what I have to do. Then, concentrate on those tasks that only you can do.
2. Hire outside help if it's financially feasible.
3. Make time-saving substitutions. For example: Cook simple meals as much as possible.
4. Use as many labour-saving appliances as you can afford, such as a washer & dryer, a microwave oven, a dishwasher, a blender, a pressure cooker, and a steam iron.
5. Eliminate unnecessary, time-consuming activities. For example:
a. Give up drying dishes; ironing sheets, towels, pajamas or undergarments.
b. Give up giant cleaning projects that don't fit into your working schedule.
6. Stick to a specific job until finished--but don't take on more than you can handle in a short time. It is depressing to spend an entire day cleaning one closet & wake up to the leftover mess the next morning.
7. Double-up on activities. For example:
a. Exercise by riding your bicycle to appointments.
b. Keep stationery, a book, or other projects in your purse or briefcase for an unexpected spare moment.
c. As you iron or wash dishes, listen to your child read or tell him a story.
d. Listen to a cassette tape while you fix dinner.
8. Plan ahead. Decide what you will wear the night before; plan menus in advance; plan chores for the children.
9. Ban television. TV viewing reduces productivity significantly.
10. Set up a communications center in a central location. Include a telephone, a large bulletin board for messages, a monthly calendar suitable for recording appointments, a notebook, a shopping list, & a pencil.
11. Write everything down. Buy a notebook that you can carry with you at all times & organise your notebook into the following sections: Appointments, things to do today, long-term projects, shopping lists, addresses, notes, lists of presents to purchase, sizes of clothing for family members, & gift ideas.
12. Streamline communications & letter writing.
a. Answer letters & memos by replying on the bottom of the page & returning the whole letter if you don't need a copy.
b. Plan a regular monthly session to write all checks & pay all bills.
13. Organise your paperwork. Read your mail immediately & file it appropriately.
a. Throw out what you don't want.
b. Set up a file for important papers.
14. Organise family papers: A safe deposit box is a good place for important papers such as birth or adoption certificates, marriage license, stock certificates & other securities, military discharge papers, automobile titles, & real estate papers.
15. Take action to eliminate the following time-wasting activities:
a. Inefficiency: Do things right the first time; set up work areas that are close together; place telephone extensions in convenient places.
b. Indecision: Weigh alternatives & make decisions immediately if possible.
c. Disorder: Have a place for everything & keep it in its place.
d. Waiting for others: Carry small projects so you can spend your time wisely even while waiting.
e. Television: Control its use.
f. Telephone: Make all your calls at one time; keep projects close to the telephone; place a time limit on your conversations.
Meal Preparation (Organisation/Checklists)
1. Pre-sort groceries & have them bagged in categories for easy storage. For example, put all frozen products in one bag, all refrigerated products in another, all canned goods in a third etc.
2. Prepare food before putting it away. Slice meat, grate cheese, wash fruits & vegetables that will keep after being washed.
3. Blend a breakfast. Try a combination of milk, fruit & yogurt.
4. Specialise in one dish dinners such as soup or casseroles.
5. Prepare co-op meals--various family members each prepare part of the meal.
6. Plan dinner menus ahead of time. Another family member can start dinner if you are late.
Preparing box lunches (Organisation/Checklists)
1. Prepare sandwiches for a week & freeze. (Spread bread with softened margarine. Bread may go soggy with mayonnaise, salad dressing or jelly. Don't freeze lettuce or tomatoes.) Form a family assembly line. Make a week's supply of sandwiches for each family member. Bag each person's separately & put one day's supply in a large plastic bag. Freeze until needed.
2. Encourage each child to clean out his lunch box at school after eating. As soon as he gets home, he should finish the job & immediately fill the lunch box with staples (napkin, cookie, apple, nuts, raisins or chips).
Laundry (Organisation/Checklists)
1. Buy only wash-&-wear clothing & resist the urge to touch up garments with an iron.
2. Don't buy clothing that requires extra laundry instructions.
3. To streamline the sorting process, purchase one basic color of clothing (especially socks) for each child.
4. Place a sink-sized plastic container in each child's room for dirty laundry. (Children often have difficulty putting their dirty laundry in the main hamper every day.)
5. Keep two hampers--one for dark clothing & one for light. On wash day (or the day before), ask the children to empty their own laundry containers & place dark & light clothes in the appropriate hampers.
6. Wash once a week on a regular schedule. Let the family know that you will wash only what they have placed in the hampers.
7. When the clean clothes are folded, put them in each child's laundry container. Children should carry their containers back to their rooms & put the clothes away. When their containers are emptied, they're ready for another week's worth of dirty laundry.
8. Older children can fold & put away their own laundry.
9. Have children pin dirty socks together to eliminate sorting & folding.
10. To identify clothing of two or more similar-sized children, put indelible colored marks or the child's initials on the neck label or the waistband of each garment.
11. Place all garments that need mending in one pile, and garments that need ironing in another. Don't put anything away that is not wearable.
12. Encourage family members to do their own mending or ironing.
13. Keep a stain removal guide handy.
14. If you hang out diapers & fold them in pairs, hang two together. After they have dried, take them down by placing them over your arm in a way that will prevent wrinkling & make folding easy.
Housecleaning Tips
1. Keep basic cleaning equipment on every floor of the house.
2. Keep bathroom cleaning supplies in each bathroom.
3. Hallway fingerprints can be eliminated by hanging children's pictures at hand level in the hallway.
4. Use paper plates & cups once a week & have a picnic.
5. As you unload the dishwasher, immediately set the table for the next meal.
6. Clean appliances and wash or soak dishes & utensils immediately, before food sticks.
7. Wipe off items before storing them or putting them in the refrigerator.
8. Wipe up spilled food immediately.
Shopping (Organisation/Checklists)
1. Compile a giant shopping list that contains every possible product or food that you regularly purchase. Xerox this list & keep it on the bulletin board or inside a cupboard door. When you need an item, simply check it off on the list.
2. Before discarding an empty container or can, note the item on the shopping list.
3. Do all your shopping in one grocery or department store if possible. Choose a market near other stores to save travel time.
4. Shop on a regular schedule. Resist impulse shopping.
5. Buy staples in large quantities when they are on sale.
6. Cluster shopping & errands.
7. Older children can choose their own clothes. Let them make their selections & try them on. Have the clerk hold their choices. You can simply examine, approve, & purchase or disapprove & help locate something better. Hours & arguments can be saved this way.
8. Try not to shop when you're hungry.
Teaching Children How to Save Time (Organisation/Checklists)
Children need good leadership to help them assume appropriate responsibilities & develop skills that will allow them to perform efficiently. Often, children do not understand what a specific task entails. Generalised statements such as, "Help me," or "Clean your room," are far too broad for most children. When tasks are broken down into little pieces, children are more willing to help because they understand what's expected of them & they can anticipate completion of the task. A four-year-old may resist cleaning his room, but responds readily to the direction, "Put your socks in this box." This is a specific instruction. He knows that he'll be finished when all the socks are in the box. But when is the room clean? That is a very abstract concept for a child. On Monday, that may mean putting all the toys away. On Friday, it may mean vacuuming & dusting.
A child may not be capable of completing an entire task by himself. Analyze each part. He may be able to lick the stamps for you, even though he is too small to address the envelopes. Remember, every little bit of help from others will mean more time for you.
Here are some ways to encourage children to be more helpful:
Help Children Keep Organised (Organisation/Checklists)
1. Do away with a toy box. Organise toys in plastic containers, decorated boxes, or large painted coffee cans. Label each container.
2. Store toys & materials that children use regularly on shelves in a closet that's easily accessible for them. (If a child is at the stage of pulling down & emptying containers, put only a few toys at his level.)
3. Hang a shoe bag in the closet and put small trinkets, games, balls, cars, marbles, and other small toys & collections in its pockets.
4. Hang children's clothing on pegs. Children often have trouble using regular hangers.
5. Hang a shoe bag in the entrance-way closet for mittens, scarves, ear muffs, & other small items.
6. Use a clothes rack in the entrance way for the coats & sweaters that usually end up on the furniture or the closet floor.
7. Use large clear plastic boxes in the entrance-way closet for each child's belongings. Then a child won't have to sort through the whole closet to find what he wants.
8. If your children aren't at the reading stage, draw pictures on the outside of containers or next to hooks so they can return items to their proper places.
Teach Children Efficiency (Organisation/Checklists)
1. When children do a job, reward them for speed & efficiency.
2. Children enjoy breaking records. Post official family records for various chores on the bulletin board. Encourage the children to beat their own records.
3. Reward children by playing games with them. Say, "If you make your lunches by 7 p.m. I'll play a game with you."
4. Set completion deadlines for certain jobs. Encourage a child to meet this schedule by offering an incentive. For example, if a child finishes five minutes behind schedule, he must go to bed 5 minutes earlier that night.
5. When clearing the table after meals, announce a two-hand takeoff. Every family member uses two hands to remove as much as possible to see if the table can be cleared with only one trip per person.
6. To wake children in the morning & get them off to a good start, play rousing marching music.
7. Let your child listen to a story record while tackling certain tasks. Encourage him to finish before the record is over.
8. Ban TV when work must be done. It destroys a child's efficiency. Have them listen to story records or cassette tapes instead.
Encourage responsibility in children (Organisation/Checklists)
1. When a child balks at doing a regular task, offer to exchange his chore with one of yours.
2. Contract with the children. For example, "I'll make the beds if you'll make the lunches."
3. Make children's work pleasant by giving them unexpected rewards--bring them a cold drink or read to them as they work.
4. Don't nag your children; write chore reminders on the bulletin board instead. And when they forget to pick up their things, place the items in a "nag-bag," & insist that they perform a chore in order to redeem their things.
5. Draw a duty. List chores on cards & set up a daily random drawing. Always include several pleasant treats, such as "relax," "read a book," or "one half hour of free time." A child must draw one duty when he comes home from school each day.
6. Write each child's daily chores on a separate piece of paper. Give children the list a day before the deadline. Children enjoy knowing everything that will be required of them & crossing off the jobs when they are done.
7. Construct a daily duty box with two slots for each child. One slot holds duty cards, such as brush teeth, make beds etc. As soon as these duties are completed, the child takes the card & places it in the second slot. At the end of the day, rewards are given if all the child's daily duties have been completed. Rewards are subtracted for the number of duties that haven't been done or are only half finished because of misuse of time.
8. When the children borrow your things, require a deposit of their favourite toy & they will not forget to return the borrowed item.
9. If the children constantly seek your help, gear the task to their level. For example, make bathroom cups easily reachable, put a pitcher of water in the child's room, keep the toothbrushes & toothpaste at your child's level, or provide a stool so he can reach the sink.
10. If your child has trouble keeping his face clean, hang a mirror at his level in the bathroom. Be innovative. Encourage him to put shaving lather on his face & wash it.
11. If children have trouble reaching a light switch, cut a hole in one side of a cardboard tube from a roll of paper towels. Place the hole over the switch, & the child can push the light switch on & off.
12. To encourage a younger child to dress himself, lay out his clothing for the next day.
13. Help children keep slippers on by sewing the top half of a sock onto the slipper.
14. For children who are too young to tie their shoes, replace laces with 1/8 inch elastic. It stretches so the child can get into his shoe without untying it, & untied laces will not drag on the ground.
15. If your child has a tendency to forget the sweater he wore under his coat, sew an old sweater into his coat.
16. If mittens get lost, crochet mittens directly onto an old sweater.
17. If your child has difficulty telling the right shoe from the left, make a pattern on the floor that he can place his shoes in before putting them on, or make an X on each instep & let him match up the marks.
18. To cut down on lost clothing, stamp the child's name on each piece. (This is easier than sewing on name tags.)
19. If your child has trouble with buttons, sew them on with elastic thread. The thread stretches, making it easier for little fingers to get the button through a button hole.
20. If boot zippers are too hard for small fingers to grasp, attach metal rings to the zipper.
21. Purchase clothes with fasteners that children can handle.
22. Let your child work beside you & learn how to do household tasks. Make chores fun & interesting, & you will find that your children will be more helpful.
Miscellaneous time-savers (Organisation/Checklists)
1. For fussy eaters who enjoy a novel change, fill ice cream cones with mashed potatoes, yogurt, cottage cheese, sandwich filling, or fruit. There will be no dishes to wash.
2. Instead of nagging a child to finish his food, have each member of the family guess how many bites are left. Everyone counts while the child eats to see who was the closest.
3. Spillproof a young child's plate & cup by attaching a rubber suction cup under the plate & placing wide rubber bands around a slippery cup.
4. Reduce poorly timed visits from neighbourhood children by hanging a do-not-disturb picture on the door knob, showing the family's activity. For example, at nap time draw a sleeping child; at dinner time, a family eating, etc.
5. If your child has trouble falling asleep, put perfume on his hand & tell him to smell it until the odor disappears. Deep breathing encourages sleep.
6. If your children wake you up too early, prepare a surprise bag & place it beside their pillows. Include items such as a purse-sized mirror, baby doll, decorative stamps & paper, or small cars & trucks that will keep little hands busy until it is time for you to get up.
7. If you have an active, curious toddler, put all breakables beyond his reach.
8. Keep an emergency survival kit handy & use it when your child gets on your nerves. Include fascinating toys that are sure to capture your child's interest. This will free your time to do what you need to do.
9. If your child needs a work space, open a low drawer & cover it with a bread board, rather than dragging in a small table from another room.
10. Store children's wet bath toys in a fish net that can be hung on a hook above the tub. They can drip dry & they're easily accessible for the next bath time.
11. To keep toys organised & readily available in the car, fill a shoe bag with interesting travel toys & hang it over the front seat. Make sure all toys are replaced before the children leave the car.
12. Keep a canteen in the car so you don't have to stop for drinks.
13. Keep a container of "Wet Ones" in the car for last-minute cleaning of dirty faces & hands.
14. Use travel time to listen to stories on cassettes.
15. Use travel time to teach your children. Prepare cards with questions for the children to answer, such as, "If you were lost what would you do?" "How are an apple & an orange alike & how are they different?" Keep a small dictionary in the car & teach new vocabulary words, or teach foreign words or phrases. Teach new songs & enjoy singing together.
Organise & budget your time, delegate whenever possible, delete the unnecessary, become an efficiency expert, & teach your children how to be responsible. If you do, you'll find more time for those things that matter most in your life!
MAKING YOUR FAMILY A WINNING TEAM
A successful family team works together to achieve goals. Every member has a unique role to play. Each contributes his share. Each is essential to the final outcome. But the whole--the concerted team effort--is stronger than the sum of its parts. And as a result, each family member shares in the gratifying joy of meaningful relationships, a growing sense of self-worth, & the satisfaction of fulfilled ambitions.
A good coach is the key to building a winning team. It is your spirit, your drive, your enthusiasm, & your expertise that will ultimately make the difference between success or failure.
A Team Purpose
Every team needs a purpose to keep it going. Every family needs a goal that is worth striving for. One of the Kuzma family goals is excellence; we all strive to reach the highest level that each of us is capable of attaining.
Kim wants to be the best flute player she can become. Knowing this, it is much easier for the rest of us to remain quiet & stay out of her way while she is practicing. At times, Kari has even offered to make Kim's bed or fix her sack lunch when time is running short & Kim is preparing for a lesson.
In order to have a successful team, children must feel that they are ultimately contributing to family goals. One of our short-term family goals has been to help Mommy finish her book. The children have curtailed boisterous play outside the study door & have taken on a number of Mom's home responsibilities. Each finished chapter is cause for a family celebration. And now the watchword is "only one chapter to go!" Just this morning as I was taking the children to school, I asked if one of them had a good thought to guide us through the day. Kim quoted something that she was learning at school, "Remember that you will never reach a higher standard than you yourself set. Then set your mark high, & step by step, even though it be by painful effort, by self-denial & sacrifice, ascend the whole length of the ladder of progress."
The passage continues, "Let nothing hinder you. Fate has not woven its meshes about any human being so firmly that he need remain helpless & in uncertainty. Opposing circumstances should create a firm determination to overcome them. The breaking down of one barrier will give greater ability & courage to go forward. Press with determination in the right direction, & circumstances will be your helpers, not your hindrances."--A terrific motto for us all!
A common purpose binds the family together in a cooperative working relationship that encourages them to overcome obstacles & progress toward the standard--their team goal.
A Code of Behaviour
Every successful coach establishes behavior standards for team members. A successful family must do the same. Your challenge is to help each member of the team see the relationship between his behavior & the success of the team.
It is important that you, the coach, set an example by meeting your own standards. If you want others to be self-disciplined, loyal, & cooperative, you must be this way first. You must inspire your family with the fact that winning or losing is really dependent upon each one's willingness to reach for the goals together. Finally, it is your responsibility to discipline those who do not uphold the ideals.
The Game Plan
Planning is an essential part of a winning formula. In addition to a general plan that includes the family purpose & a code of behaviour, the family must have a game plan for each new day. A successful game plan should provide a step-by-step scheme that will help you achieve your goals without being sidetracked. Game plans should consist of bite-sized objectives--what you want to accomplish on a weekly or daily basis--& have a balance in a variety of activities, as well as an appropriate sense of timing. To be a winning team, the family must also consider what problems they are likely to encounter & provide an adequate plan of defense. For example, if Mom is late getting home from work, someone should start dinner. Or if Dad gets out early, he should phone Mom & see if there is anything she needs to have him pick up on his way home.
Communicating the Game Plan
Effective communication is an essential quality for a successful coach. You must know what to say & when to say it. Your goals for the team, your winning strategies, your standards, even your expertise & enthusiasm, won't make a winning team if you fail to communicate these things.
Coaches plan a variety of team meetings to get their message across to their players & listen to the players' feedback. They hold weekly rallies to encourage the team, they give pep talks, they ask the players to evaluate the team's progress & make suggestions, & they develop long-range plans. Then, before the team hits the field, they hold chalk talks to plan strategies for specific games or solve specific problems. Once the play begins, the communication does not cease; rather, it increases in the form of a huddle. Huddles are called whenever necessary in order to make immediate plans or give the necessary encouragement that may ultimately make the difference between winning or losing.
Winning family teams need this same form of communication. You will be a more successful family leader if you plan (or encourage your family to help plan) a weekly family rally, a daily chalk talk, & family huddles whenever needed.
Here are some ideas for making team meetings more attractive to your family.
1. Make the meetings so interesting, informative, warm, & enjoyable that everyone will want to join the fun.
2. Ask each person to put suggestions for a rally or chalk talk in a suggestion box, and use them.
3. Make sure each person feels that his contributions are important to the family.
4. Plan something special that everyone enjoys.
5. Serve a special treat at a family rally.
6. Vote on decisions.
7. Make sure that everyone has a chance to express himself.
8. When the children are old enough, have them take turns leading a session.
Establish and Maintain Team Spirit
Everyone is important, but the team comes first. Superstars seldom make it to the top by themselves. In team sports, the outstanding player owes much of his success to the support of his teammates, just as every individual owes much of his success to his family.
The superstar of a family might be a parent who is a famous scientist, or an outstanding musician, or president of a company. It may be a child who is a born athlete or intellectually gifted. If these individuals overshadow other family members or receive attention & recognition at the others' expense, there will be a breakdown in family morale. Each superstar must learn to accept recognition & praise graciously, & honestly credit the family when credit is due.
Children who are not superstars sometimes feel neglected, worthless, & unloved because they do not receive the attention that another is receiving. The family cannot always prevent this if the attention comes from outsiders. But within the family they can make sure that all of their children receive recognition for their skills & abilities, even if the outside World has not crowned that child with superstar status. Each team member should be challenged to do his best.
Everyone is needed. It is not much fun to play on a team when you don't feel needed. Parents sometimes err when they try to be so self-sufficient that their children come to believe that their contributions to the family are really not worth very much. So make sure each of your children feels really needed & useful to the family & to you!