FOR PARENTS OF TEENS--Excerpts from a Handbook for Parents of Teens
Adolescent Development
Ways in which a parent can help an adolescent with the tasks of growth:
1. Make your home as stable & attractive as you can.
2. Keep supervision subtle & support constructive group activities.
3. Avoid making him feel guilty about the tasks of growth, especially his need to move away from you.
4. Maintain a sense of humour. This stage will pass.
5. Remember, the teenager's view of you as old fashioned will pass. It says nothing about you as a person.
6. Establish family policies as democratically as possible.
7. Listen to the teen's feelings & points of view. Adolescence is a time of turmoil, & acceptance reduces inner turmoil.
8. Work with his need for competence & recognition.
9. Respect his need to be quiet at times.
Living with Adolescents
Do establish basic rules in those matters which can be regulated, & make them stick. Though adolescents talk about freedom, they really want to know what the limits are & will be uneasy or alarmed at a complete absence of restraint. Laying down limits is one way of showing you really care. Every child should have certain fixed "household responsibilities"--dishwashing, cleaning, lawn mowing, whatever. Avoid making rules that can't possibly be enforced. There is something subtly demoralizing about breaking rules & getting away with it. In some of the most sensitive areas, like sex, a parent ultimately has to rely, not on rules, but on the built-in controls that come from years of education in the family.
Do give your adolescent a sense of involvement with the family. This doesn't mean being best pals. But give him a voice in matters affecting the whole family. Should you build a porch, or buy a trailer instead? You have the chance of a job in another city; how does he feel about a move? You can't expect a child to respect his family responsibilities unless he enjoys a sense of family privilege.
Do recognise your child as a separate individual--not you, not an extension of your hopes. You can advise & support, but you can't steer his ship.
Communication Skills--The Impact of Listening & Hearing
Of the many challenges that children face in their relations with parents & other significant adults, none is more devastating than the continual experience of not being listened to, not being recognized or understood. Repeated failure to communicate effectively one's own feelings, preferences, desires & thoughts inevitably leads to painful frustration & doubts about one's value as a person. Ultimately, a profoundly diminishing sense of self worth is experienced.
As a child's self-confidence is reduced by the failure to be heard, new avenues of gaining recognition are sought. Attention-getting methods are invoked that do not represent real interests, attitudes, perceptions or talents. The child begins to seek to develop self-esteem through indirect, devious, illegitimate means, to adopt behaviour & a style of approach & communication that are based on feelings of inferiority, distrust & a guarded or closed presentation of self. Recognition by significant adults comes to be sought through forms of withdrawal or through aggressive tactics, & a battle ensues that centers in a struggle for power.
At any age, to be heard in the way in which one is presenting oneself is a rich, human experience. It is an invitation to new life. Grown-ups are able to look at a relationship & decide how much of themselves they are willing to put into it, based on their past experiences of how people receive them. Young children, however, have not developed the kind of social shrewdness that will protect them from rejection, frustration, misunderstanding & denial. Their messages are unfiltered; they contain all there is of their thought, feeling, spirit & will.
In the child's world, communications are offered as spontaneous expressions or gifts of the self. The expression is affirmed when it is received. To receive is not to reward, approve of or agree with, however. Rather, it is an act of taking in the flow of life from a child & returning it as a flow of life from oneself--a welcoming, embracing, affirming feeling that says, "Yes, I see. I hear. Yes, this is of value to me & it feels good." The response from the receiver may simply be an affirmative nod, but this recognition encourages the child. It supports further expressions & the development of self-esteem. When what the child offers is received & affirmed, it helps him grow. When what the child offers is rejected, he becomes restrained, guarded & uses energies & talents in more limited ways. It is a two-way process of offering & receiving.
Quotes from Rogers & Moustakas (--An excerpt from "Who Will Listen" by Clark Moustakas)
"Listening is a magnetic & strange thing, a creative force...The friends that listen to us are the ones we move towards, & we want to sit in their radius as though it did us good, like ultraviolet rays...When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold & expand. Ideas actually begin to grow in us & come to life...it makes people happy & free when they are listened to...When we listen to people there is an alternating current, & this recharges us so that we never get tired of each other. We are constantly being recreated...I just listen with affection to anyone who talks to me, to be in their shoes when they talk."
Some Guidelines for Listening with Empathy
1. Give undivided attention.
2. Let the other person set the pace--don't push faster or further than the person wants to go.
3. Don't feel you have to "solve the problem"--the best solutions can only come from the person.
4. You are there to help the person get more self-understanding. (Editor: Or to feel encouragement & support so they can seek the Lord's solution.)
5. Listen to what the person is saying & how it is being said.
6. Watch for non-verbal clues to the person's feelings. Use your eyes as well as your ears for listening.
7. Be aware of the content & the feelings in what the person is saying.
8. Reply--use words to describe the content & feelings. Respond to all you hear & nothing more.
9. Be honest--let the person know if you lose them or don't understand something they say.
10. Keep focused on listening.
Encouragement
--Ways to Say "Good for You"
That's really nice!
Thank you very much!
Wow!
That's great!
Keep up the good work!
That's quite an improvement!
Much better!
Keep it up!
It's a pleasure to be with you when you work like this!
Good job!
What neat work!
You really outdid yourself today!
This kind of work must please you very much!
Congratulations. You got _____correct!
That's right! Good for you!
Terrific!
Beautiful!
You must be very proud of the way you worked (are working) today!
Excellent work!
I appreciate your help!
Very good. Why don't you show your...(brother, dad, sister)
Thank you for (sitting down, being quiet, getting right to work, etc.)
Marvelous!
That looks like it's going to be a great report!
My goodness, how impressive!
It looks like you put a lot of work into this!
That's clever!
Very creative!
Very interesting!
Good thinking!
That's an interesting way of looking at it!
Now you've figured it out!
You have it!
That's the right answer!
Now you've got the hang of it!
Exactly right!
Super!
That's a good point!
That's a very good observation!
That certainly is one way of looking at it!
That's an interesting point of view!
You are really going to town!
You've got it now!
Nice going!
You make it look easy!
That's coming along nicely!
1. Why encourage? Why is it important?
a. To give the feeling of confidence.
b. To move the person towards self-sufficiency.
2. Points of encouragement:
a. Stop discouraging:
--by humiliation
--overprotection
--verbally (too much talk)
b. Know how to encourage:
--emphasise the act, not the actor
--emphasise the doing & the joy of doing
--emphasise the good part of what is achieved, the satisfaction in accomplishing something.
--"I like the way you did that!"
--"I particularly like the handles."
--"You have a lot of good ideas."
3. Be positive in comments made--avoid saying "don't."
4. Avoid making statements ending with a question. e.g. "We had fun working on the windows, didn't we?" The statement, "We had fun working on the windows," is less patronizing.
5. Watch that you do not build up on one breath & deflate on the next. e.g. "How nice that you are ready on time. Why can't you do it all the time?"
6. Give certain rights & privileges, particularly with youngsters.
7. Understand the effects that comparisons have on self-esteem:
a. Acknowledge what the person did, not in comparison to what someone else achieved.
b. If the person compares himself, you can say, "But I like the way you do it."
8. Have some encouraging phrases at your fingertips:
a. Could you help me work out this plan?
b. What do you think about...?
c. (When in disagreement) I'm sorry you feel that way, but that is your privilege.
d. I think...but you have a right to...
e. I'm so glad that you were able to do...
f. I appreciate what you have done.
g. Beginnings are always difficult.
h. Let's see why it didn't work.
i. I'm really glad that you haven't let one thing keep you from...
Family Decision-Making
The management of conflict is a test of family relationships. Teaching families to make decisions together in order to reach common goals is important to the self-worth of each member. In families having arguments, choice fulfillment is centered in one or two people, agreement of members seldom occurs spontaneously, & decision time is either too short or is very prolonged. Power struggles occur & strong emotions are not separated out.
Our task is to teach families a method of reaching decisions, particularly when resolving conflicts, so that no one has to use too much power & control. We are trying to build family cohesion, that is, a chance for members to share in a common experience that results in a solution in which everyone has a commitment. This method values the separateness & uniqueness of every family member. It is a method that allows families to find their own solutions to their own problems. Members do not struggle against each other but rather work with each other on a common task.
There are six logical steps to decision-making:
Step One:
--identify & define the problem to be solved or the matter for decision
--choose a time that is mutually acceptable to everyone
--make sure everyone has a say & that feelings brought out are listened to but not evaluated right away
--don't leave this stage until everyone has a clear understanding of what the problem is
--test this by having people verbalize their understanding of what is being negotiated
--avoid put-down or blaming messages
--be clear that all should share in a mutually acceptable solution.
Step Two:
--search for alternatives & preferences
--encourage everyone to contribute
--take time to search thoroughly for alternatives
--make a list; writing down solutions is helpful
--list any suggested solution, no matter what it is
--do not evaluate positively or negatively or in any way convey unacceptance of any solution offered.
Step Three:
--evaluate & pre-test the alternatives
--narrow down the list to one or two solutions
--have people declare preferences & state what are clearly unacceptable alternatives
--look at the consequences of solutions for everyone & whether alternatives can realistically be carried out
--everyone must be honest in stating feelings about solutions.
Step Four:
--reach a decision
--be explicit in negotiations
--do not wander from the specific problem
--do not see a solution as necessarily final & impossible to change
--make sure it is clear to all what the decision is
--the decision must be one that everyone feels he can live with & one in which everyone feels he had a part in making
--emphasize the positive consequences of implementing the decision. Identify but do not emphasize the negative consequences if the decision is not carried out by all
--use no threats of punishment
--record the final decision & each person's commitment
--make sure everyone knows exactly who will do what for whom, when, where & how.
Step Five:
--put the decision into operation
--spend time to make sure that people have "aids" to help them make the decision. This may call for some modifying of routines or environment.
Step Six:
--evaluate & replan
--set a definite time for re-evaluating the decision
--the decision may need modification
--a new decision may have to be negotiated if people can't keep the bargains they have made.
Parents Are People, Too!
1. Parents are not perfect.
First, parents & teachers need to allow themselves to be human in the sense that they do not need, nor should they try, to be perfect. Further, they will not be perceived to be perfect by adolescents. Integral to the maturing adolescent's perception is the growing awareness that adults generally, including parents & teachers, have strengths, weaknesses, prejudices & limitations; areas where they are truly vulnerable.
2. Parents are willing to negotiate.
Second, parents, if they are to help a teenager to mature, need to be able to enter into conversation with him/her where disagreement occurs, particularly in areas where parents must make decisions about a youngster's readiness for certain kinds of activities (for example, a change of curfew).
3. Parents can be depended on for their children.
Third, if a teenager needs anything during the time of dramatic body changes & shifts of emotion, it is dependability of concern. That concern is expressed in several ways. Anger on the part of a teenager does not have to elicit anger in return from the parent. Though self-restraint necessitates a good deal of lip-biting, a parent gains nothing by responding in kind to a 14-year-old's blustery outbursts. In fact, a statement of recognition of a child's feelings, while not needing to assuage them, is probably most helpful in the long run. (For example, "I know that my decision makes you angry. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but as your mother, I must say `no' at this point & for these reasons...")
In addition to increased willingness to be perceived as human (that is, vulnerable) to re-negotiate questions of privileges & limitations, & consistent concern in the face of dramatic outbursts by their young teenagers, parents need to work on one more very elusive quality--that of intuition. Some might call it the ability to mind-read. Whatever term one uses, it still is a matter of guessing what a 14-year-old really wants, no matter what he/she says. An example may illustrate this phenomenon:
Jill, age 14, fervently pleaded to be allowed to accompany two friends to a rock concert that was to run from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. on a Saturday night on a long holiday weekend. Permission did not seem appropriate though, admittedly, it was hard to identify specific reasons for denial of the request except that Jill would be arriving home much too late. (Editor: Of course, there are many other reasons why it would be bad to go!) After using every persuasive strategy she could muster, she suddenly acquiesced & seemed strangely relieved. Several days later, she was able to admit to herself, & then to her mother & me, that she herself was torn. Her friends were pressuring her to go & yet, deep down, she was not at all sure she was ready to engage in that experience. Her push for permission was designed in the end to elicit the negative answer.
I am convinced that two things were going on in Jill during this enterprise. The first was to practice her own assertion & persuasion techniques; the second was to depend on external (parental) control when her own internal or self-controls weren't working very well. Knowing intuitively when a youngster requires assistance in the form of control & providing these controls without punishment is an extremely difficult art. To develop the art, a parent must be in close enough contact with a child to sense the fine points of developmental change in the child. With such intensity of contact, a parent has much more rational & intuitive evidence on which to base parental decisions.
Listening--A Writer's Plea
When I ask you to listen to me & you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me & you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me & you feel you immediately have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen: All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do--just hear me.
Advice is cheap; 50 cents will get you both Dear Abby & Billy Graham in the same paper.
I can do things for myself; I'm not helpless--maybe discouraged & faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can & need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear & inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you & can get about this business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. When that's clear, the answers are obvious & I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make more sense when we understand what's behind them.
So please listen & just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn--& I'll listen to you.
--Author Anonymous
Communications Exercise for Parents--Do You Wait?
Do you wait until your child is through talking before "having your say"?
Do you feel your child pretends to listen when actually he has "tuned you out"?
Do you ask your child's opinions in matters that concern him (her)?
Does your child seek out your advice on personal matters?
Do you encourage your child regularly?
Does your child encourage you?
Do you find yourself talking more than you want & wish you could get him to talk also?
Do you take time to listen to how your child thinks & feels?
Do you expect, request or demand that your child think & feel the way you do?
Do you find family conversation easy & pleasant at meals?
If I could have two things changed in my home life, they would be:
1.
2.
Communications Exercise for Teens
Do your parents wait until you have finished before "having their say"?
Do you pretend you are listening to your parents when actually you have tuned them out?
Do your parents ask for your opinion in things which concern you?
Do you seek out your parents for their opinions & ask their advice?
Do you encourage your parents?
Do you make an effort to help your parents understand by saying how you feel & think?
Do you feel that your parents preach & lecture you too much?
Do you feel your parents have confidence in your abilities?
Do you find family conversation easy & pleasant at meals?
If I could have two things changed in my home life, they would be:
1.
2.
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So often teenagers feel a little left out, like they're sort of a fifth wheel, because they really can be terribly annoying & a nuisance! A lot of times teenagers are bad because they've found good behaviour doesn't get any attention from their busy modern working parents, so they're bad just to get some attention! They really long for love & some attention & affection & they need so much guidance, & yet it is one of the most neglected ages by the parents.
Parents usually give younger children a lot more attention because they know they need help, so they get real busy sometimes with the younger children to the neglect of the older teenage children. They figure they're old enough to take care of themselves. Besides, teenage children act like they want to take care of themselves, are prone to be quite independent & not take advice or instruction very well sometimes. So the parents' attitude too often is, "Well, OK, you want to be independent, you want to go your own way & do as you please, go ahead! Go ahead & go!"
Adolescence is the age when the parents & the children disagree the most & fight & fuss the most & get the most angry with each other, mostly because the kids do things that embarrass the parents & scandalise them. The parents are often so concerned about their "community image" with these young delinquents that they even disown them just to get rid of them & to show the community that they don't approve. And the teenagers also rebel against their parents & virtually disown them because they don't approve of them either!
Thank God that kids can be taught to be good & to really take responsibility & work hard & really understand & be helpful to their parents & helpful in their work, even cheerfully helping with the care of the other children! That's really wonderful, thank the Lord!
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