LINDA ALBERT'S ADVICE FOR COPING WITH KIDS--By Linda Albert
HELPFUL HINTS
1. Solve One Problem at a Time. Choose one situation & one set of techniques to work on at a time. Your children probably have more than one misbehaviour that you want to change, but if you tackle more than one problem at a time, you will divide your concentration & energies.
2. Don't Choose the Hardest Problem First. Allow yourself to experience some initial success by beginning with smaller, less serious problems. Each small success not only encourages you but also encourages your children. They too will experience pleasant changes in the parent/child relationship & in the atmosphere at home as the amount of family strife lessens. These early successes will show your kids that change is a positive experience, not something to be feared.
3. Expect Occasional Unhappiness. No human being, man or woman, adult or child, can avoid the ups & downs of life. Don't expect your child to have the wisdom & maturity to understand the growth that comes from dealing with occasional unhappiness. It's much more likely that children will cry or complain, perhaps throw a tantrum, or play a "poor me" game that is designed to get you feeling so sorry for them so that you will find a way to make things better. Don't rescue them too soon. Sometimes you need to encourage your child to stick with it & endure the temporary unhappiness. Watch his self-confidence bloom when the situation is over & he realises that he has the ability to handle life's less happy moments.
4. Motivations for Misbehaviour. Before you respond to a given misbehaviour, it is helpful to understand the purpose behind the behaviour. While children have literally dozens of misbehaviours they can choose to use, most of these behaviours are prompted by one of four motives.
The first motivation for misbehaviour is a desire for more attention. Second, the child is attempting to prove that he is in control, to show the parent that he is the boss, & that no one can make him do anything. He also has another motivation, which is a desire for revenge. The child wants to hurt the parent in order to get even for something, usually a perceived injustice. The fourth motivation is a desire to avoid failure. The child attempts to get the parent to leave him alone by appearing helpless, disabled, incapable of doing a task adequately. When he is left alone, the child can avoid trying & thus avoid risking failure.
Notice that some of these motivations can lead to passive misbehaviour. It's fairly easy to recognise the active misbehaviours--they cause disruption right under your nose & you are usually forced to deal with them at once. The passive misbehaviours are more subtle. Look at how much extra attention a kid can get by being slow, by eating one pea at a time, by being unable to find something, or by being unable to do a simple task.
It is important to differentiate between these motivations for misbehaviour because different corrective techniques are needed to work effectively with different motives. Observe your children closely for the next weeks & practice identifying the different motivations for their misbehaviour. Be aware that the most frequent mistake parents make in determining motivation is calling all misbehaviour a bid for attention & not recognising the power struggles as they occur.
5. Sidestep the Power Struggle. When parents command & demand & give orders, the confrontation with children gets louder & angrier. The kids become more stubborn & rebellious in their determination to show us they can't be bossed around. Even if they are overpowered & forced to give in, they'll retaliate & get even at a later time by engaging in some behaviour that they know will anger us.
Parents often fear that the alternative to bossy behaviour is to be permissive & to allow the kids to do anything they want, to allow the kids to get away with murder. Nothing could be further from the truth. We will cover some alternatives later.
6. Learn the Language of Respect. Child psychologists have often advised parents to talk to their children as they would talk to their best friends. I agree. I call the language parents need to use with children "the language of respect." It is probably the most important skill for parents to master.
Throw away the words that you would find insulting, humiliating & sarcastic if someone used them in speaking to you. Children will also be hurt by them. Throw away the commands, the demands, the direct orders. Children rebel when they hear them. Throw away the shouts, yells & screams. Children become parent-deaf after hearing them for awhile.
Use instead words that are encouraging, supportive & uncritical. These are words that build up a kid's spirit rather than tear it down.
Instead of yelling & screaming, parents can learn to talk calmly & softly. They can use a pleasant tone of voice, & state consequences in a matter-of-fact manner.
7. Share the Strategy. Changes in your strategies for coping with kids should not be sprung on the kids as a surprise. In fact, you will be more effective in bringing about positive change in the kids' behaviour if they know in advance how you are going to handle certain situations. Unexpected changes have an I-got-ya-now display of parental power. Children often react to such situations with a decision, not necessarily conscious, to get even with their parents at a later time. They get even by intensifying the same misbehaviour or by switching to a different misbehaviour that annoys their parents even more.
8. Plan Helpful Outside Support. Ever notice how much easier it is to exercise regularly when you are part of a group than when you do it alone? Being part of a group also makes it easier to learn new parenting skills.
Meeting regularly & talking with other parents who are confronted with similar situations & who are attempting to make the same types of changes can be very encouraging.
MEALTIME MADNESS
Mealtime! It can be the most pleasant time of day for a family. Unfortunately, for many families, mealtimes turn into unhappy times filled with squabbles & chaos that leave everybody upset. Kids fight with each other, fuss over their food, whine & complain. Parents yell, threaten & occasionally send misbehaving youngsters away from the table crying.
Let's find out how parents can cope with mealtime misbehaviours & enjoy peaceful meals.
On Cleaning the Plate
Q: Do you believe in insisting that children eat everything that is on their plates at the table?
A: No. I believe the less fuss you make about what your children eat, the fewer problems you will have at mealtime.
(Editor: You could have each child decide on three foods which they like the least, & have an agreement that if one of these is served they could simply not take a helping of it & just eat the rest of the meal, but all other foods they would eat cheerfully.)
The role of parents is to make nutritious food available to their children for meals & snacks. Notice the difference between making food available & insisting that the kids eat all the food served in the amounts the parents feel are appropriate. It is not the role of the parent to force a child to eat everything that is served at every meal. In fact, such attempts to force a child to eat usually result in balky, picky eaters who hassle their parents at every meal.
Rotate your menus so that each person's favourites appear eventually & that particular dislikes don't appear continuously.
Eliminate snacks if you feel your kids don't eat well at mealtime. There's nothing like an empty stomach to convince a child to eat what's served.
If your children consistently leave food on their plates, have you considered that perhaps you are giving them too much food?
Better yet, why not put the food on the table in large bowls & let the kids help themselves? Provide small serving utensils & small plates if the kids tend to take too much food.
Endless Eater Needs Limits
Q: My daughter, age seven, takes a full hour to eat dinner every night. Should I ignore her because some children are just naturally slow, or is there a way to make her eat faster?
A: I don't think there is a trait called "naturally slow" that is passed along through genetic inheritance. Children often learn to eat slowly & to dawdle, however, as a way to gain special attention from parents or to engage parents in a power struggle.
Make a decision regarding how long dinner will remain on the table in your house. Thirty minutes should be enough time for any child to eat. Before the next meal, sit down with your children & explain that mealtimes are taking too long. Explain that from now on the table will be cleared at the end of thirty minutes, & no more food will be served until the next morning. In a calm, friendly voice explain that it is their decision how quickly or slowly to eat, & that you no longer will remind or nag them to finish.
At dinner that night, clear the table without a word at the end of thirty minutes. If there is still food on your daughter's plate, give no postmortem lecture on why she should have eaten faster, & make no prediction about how hungry she'll be later. Remember, silence is golden when a parent is taking appropriate action.
If your daughter comes to you later complaining of hunger, be friendly, acknowledge her feelings & let her know you're looking forward to seeing her at breakfast. Do not engage in a long discussion about eating. Do not feel sorry for her; she will not starve by going to bed hungry. You need not feel like a terrible mother because your child is hungry; it was her choice to eat very slowly.
As soon as your daughter is allowed to experience the consequences of slow eating, she will learn to eat her dinner in the allotted time.
Make Peace with Picky Eater
Q: How can I get my child to stop being a picky eater?
A: You will lose, as long as mealtime is approached as a battle. Whether we like it or not, a child is in control of what goes into his mouth & what is swallowed! Yet there are ways to entice a child into wholesome eating habits.
One way is to give a child some choice of what is to be served. The scope of the choice depends upon the child's age. A two-year-old can be given a choice between two or three different kinds of cereal in the morning. A nine-year-old can sit with a parent & help plan the weekly menus. Planning menus is the best time, by the way, for teaching a child about nutrition.
Another way to change a picky eater's habits is for the parents to serve only healthful, nutritious foods for both meals & snacks, to let the child eat what he wishes, & not to be concerned if the child refuses to eat a certain food.
Set the examples by eating all foods served yourself. A child who constantly hears Mom & Dad refusing various foods will assume that he has the same prerogative.
Spillers Sponge the Spills
Q: My kids are very clumsy at the table. They spill food as they take it from the serving bowls. They frequently knock over juice or milk glasses. I'm tired of cleaning up their messes!
A: Good. I'm glad you're tired of cleaning up their messes. You can stop doing that today. The people who should be cleaning up the messes are the people who make them.
Kids can clean up spills from serving bowls with sponges or paper towels. You can avoid some of their messes by paying careful attention to the type of serving utensils you use. Ladles & plastic measuring cups with long handles used in place of spoons make it easier to scoop food without spilling.
Raw Vegetables. Some youngsters complain of being hungry an hour before dinner is served & beg for snacks. For anyone who just can't wait, accommodate this by having a bowl of raw veggies ready. Include any combination of carrot & celery sticks, cherry tomatoes, cauliflower & broccoli heads, cucumber slices & so forth. The snack itself is so light & healthful that it won't matter if the kids eat their fill.
Clearing the Table. Everybody eats, so everybody should help clear the table. Any child old enough to sit on a regular chair at the table with the family is old enough to carry his or her own dishes from the table, scrape them & stack them appropriately. Adults are old enough too. If you clear your own dishes after eating, the kids will follow your example.
Kids Cooking. Teach each child in the family to prepare certain "specialties" for the family to enjoy. It cuts down on the parents' work & it increases the child's self-esteem. Give each child his own small metal box in which to file recipes. Children feel good as they watch their files expand.
Points to Remember:
* Recognise the power struggles that occur when a parent says, "Eat this," & the child, by his stalling or picky behaviour, says, "You can't make me."
* The more attention a parent gives in coaxing or forcing a child to eat something, the more payoff the child gets by refusing.
* Serve only healthful, nutritious foods, for both meals & snacks. Then if your kids choose not to eat a particular food, they can have a nutritious meal by eating everything else.
* Involve the kids in planning, cooking & serving meals.
BEDTIME BEDLAM
Reasonable Expectations. While parents generally are happy when bedtime approaches, children usually are not. Most likely they are enjoying whatever it is they are doing & have no desire to stop & go to bed. Younger children don't yet understand the connection between how late they stay up & how they will feel the next day. Nor do they understand that parents need peace & quiet & some uninterrupted time. So you can expect them to voice complaints & disappointment when you announce that bedtime has arrived. However, you can also expect that, despite their disappointment, they will get into bed at the appropriate time.
Thirty minutes is plenty of time for a child to undress, wash &/or bathe, & dress for bed. Children under seven may need some involvement from you in bathing & getting ready. Children older than seven can generally be expected to wash themselves & get into pajamas by themselves.
All children like special attention from their parents just before they go to sleep. Some like stories, some like songs, some just like to talk. Expect to spend a few minutes each night with each child before you kiss & tuck him in. Once they have each had that last kiss though, you should be able to turn your attention to other things.
Beat the Bedtime Battles
Q: Bedtime is a problem in my house. I can get my kids into bed by 8:30 with few hassles, but then the trouble begins. One son wants a drink of water. Another complains he's not tired & can't get to sleep. Often it's after 10 before all the children actually fall asleep. By then it's too late for me to enjoy my evening. How can I make my kids fall asleep soon after they get into bed?
A: You can't. Remember the old saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." You can make the kids get into bed but you can't force them to fall asleep. In fact, the more you pressure yourself or someone else to fall asleep, the more difficult it is to actually get to sleep. Ask any insomniac. Consider also the variations in sleeping patterns among adults. Some fall asleep easily, some toss & turn for hours. Some can get by with only five or six hours of sleep, & others need nine or ten hours. The same differences in sleeping patterns exist among children.
Continue putting the children to bed at 8:30 with the understanding that once they are in bed that is where they stay. Give each child a high intensity night lamp next to the bed or mounted on the headboard; allow quiet reading until the kid feels ready for sleep. If you have more than one child in a room, give each child a nightshade to wear over his eyes if he is bothered by the light.
Music also may help the children to fall asleep.
Will the kids stay up all night? Not often, if you allow them to experience the natural consequences of being tired the next morning without any extra sympathy, service, or lectures from you. Breakfast is served at the same time as usual. If the kids are too tired to get up & get dressed quickly, they simply miss breakfast. They will soon learn the relationship between the time they decide to go to sleep at night & how they feel the following morning.
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Bedtime Closeness. As kids get older they outgrow the desire to have a bedtime story read to them or to be cuddled & tucked in before they go to sleep. When this happens, don't give up the closeness that comes when you spend the last few minutes of the day together. Sit on the side of your child's bed & use these minutes as a time to talk & share. This can be a comfortable time to share private thoughts that don't come up at more hectic times during the day. And no child (or grown-up either) is too old for a hug, kiss & an "I love you" before his eyes close.
Announcing Bedtime. No one likes to be told what to do, especially if it means one has to stop an activity one is happily engaged in. When parents tell children they must be ready for bed, the kids are often unwilling to listen. One way to sidestep the power struggle that frequently arises between a parent & child at this time of day is to let a kitchen timer or an alarm clock announce bedtime to a child old enough to understand time. Give your child about fifteen minutes advance warning so he can wind down his activity before getting ready for bed. Set the alarm for fifteen minutes & make it clear that when it rings he is expected to get ready for bed. Leave the clock where your child can see it so he can check as often as he likes to see how much time is left. There just isn't the same satisfaction in arguing with an alarm clock as there is in arguing with a parent!
Pre-Bedtime Activities. To help your child fall asleep easily at bedtime, plan pre-bedtime activities that are relaxed & calming. This is not the time for horsing around or getting all keyed up playing competitive games. It is a time for reading together, singing quiet songs, talking softly, or even snuggling up to watch a favourite video together.
Switching Parents. In two-parent families, it's nice if the parents can take turns supervising the child's bedtime preparation & participating in the bedtime rituals such as stories & lullabies. Then the child is assured of sharing some special time alone with each parent each week. This deepens & strengthens both parent/child relationships.
Points to Remember:
* Stick to the schedule. Bedtime, once decided upon by your family, is a constant. Don't renegotiate each night based on the whims of anyone in the family, parent or child. Evenings when the family is out together are the exception. Agree beforehand on a bedtime upon your return home & stick to it.
* Enjoy the closeness that comes from spending the last few minutes of each child's day together.
* Consistency counts. Once the last goodnight has been said, refuse to be drawn into returning to the child's bedside except in case of an emergency.
* The best place for kids to sleep is in their own beds, not the parents' bed.
THE THREE Rs: RULES, ROUTINES & RESPONSIBILITIES
"Jimmy, wake up! Time to get ready for school. Susie, hurry up & finish getting dressed; your breakfast is getting cold."
Getting the kids up in the morning & ready for school on time is a real headache for many moms & dads.
Nighttime is often just as difficult. "Jimmy, put away your toys & go wash up. And don't leave your dirty clothes on the floor. Susie, did you remember to brush your teeth?"
And then there are all the frustrating times during the day when parents cajole, complain & threaten in an attempt to get their kids to help around the house.
"Susie, come in here right now & set the table. This is the fifth time I've called you. Jimmy, it is your turn to do the dishes."
Is there anything more annoying than having to remind a child over & over again to do a simple chore?
"Mama, all you ever do is nag at me!"
Sure you nag at the kids. If you didn't nag, would anyone except you ever do anything around the house? How much easier it would be for everyone if the kids took responsibility for a share of the household tasks, willingly & without endless reminders.
Household Chores Are for Everyone to Share
Q: How can I get my kids to help with the household chores?
A: The entire family should be involved in the planning of chores so each member will feel a personal responsibility to see them carried out. Hold a family meeting to plan when & how chores will be done & who will do them. Begin by listing on a large sheet of paper all the chores that must be done in order for the family to function. Include everything, even the chores that only parents can do, such as paying rent, shopping & so forth. This list will prevent future accusations of unfairness by letting your kids see some of the invisible things that parents have to do. It will also educate the kids in all of the factors that go into running a household.
Next, check off the items that only parents can do. Then let the kids help decide who will do each of the remaining chores. Be flexible & allow them to choose some of the more creative chores, even if it means Mom or Dad has garbage detail for awhile. Write down the decisions concerning when & how each chore will be performed as well as who will do it. Kids & parents both choose until all of the listed chores are accounted for. All decisions are binding until the next scheduled family meeting. At that time new decisions can be made, chores can be rotated & consequences established for anyone who is shirking his duties.
When parents have problems getting their kids to do chores, it is often because the kids resent being told what to do. Amazingly enough, when planning is shared with the kids & they are given choices & responsibility, they show a wonderful ability to be reliable & responsible. (See also "401 Ways to Get Your Kids to Work at Home.")
Exchanging Jobs Is Okay
Q: My daughter hates to clean up her room. A few days ago when I was nagging her to clean up the mess, she asked me if I would clean her room if she took care of another household job instead. She offered to clean the kitchen cupboards, which I hate to do, while I cleaned her room. This seemed fair enough to me so I said okay. The problem is that her father thinks I am letting her get away with murder by cleaning up her room. Do you think I made a mistake?
A: No. As long as your daughter did an equivalent amount of work, & you would rather clean her room than clean the cupboards, I think you found a good way to solve the problem of her messy room.
Allowing children a choice, whether in clean-up tasks or other household responsibilities, builds goodwill & cooperation in the family. Be aware, though, that kids cannot choose to do nothing. They must participate in household clean-up activities.
Don't Assume Kids' Responsibilities
Q: What can I do when my daughter doesn't set the table on time for supper after she has agreed ahead of time to accept that responsibility? I've got enough to do getting the dinner ready & I feel resentful when I have to nag & remind my daughter each & every day.
A: No wonder you feel resentful, for the actual responsibility of setting the table is falling on your shoulders instead of hers. Since you have made an agreement, it is now solely her responsibility to carry out the chore. Stop reminding her. As long as you remind her, she needn't remember for herself. Instead, try either of the following techniques:
a. Do not serve dinner at the usual time. Turn off the stove, leave the kitchen, busy yourself elsewhere. If anyone asks what you are doing & why supper is not being served, simply announce matter-of-factly that you can't serve dinner on an unset table. Say no more. Your message will come across loudly & clearly.
b. Someone else sets the table for her. She must pay back the time involved, with interest, at another time.
c. Change the time for setting the table so that she can do it right after school, when you can spend some "special time" with her. Maybe she feels left out of the supper process because you are busy preparing the food.
Alarm Clock Tells Kids to Get Up
Q: How can I get my child up in the morning without coaxing, nagging & yelling?
A: The good old alarm clock works wonders for getting children up in the morning. Take your child shopping & allow him to choose his own personal alarm clock. There are many interesting & fun styles to choose from. Even a kindergarten child can respond to the buzz of a clock that he has set himself. Parents & children together can decide what time the clock needs to be set so the child has enough time to dress without extra help from the parent. Allow the child to experiment with earlier & later times so he can experience consequences resulting from the decision.
Use Grandma's Rule
Q: All of my friends have the same problem with their kids--messy rooms! Do you know any families who have solved this problem?
A: When my own children all lived at home I found it useful to establish a specific clean-up time each week. Otherwise I found myself becoming irritated every time I noticed a messy room. Just knowing that a scheduled clean-up time was coming made the rest of the week seem more bearable.
Our clean-ups were scheduled for Friday afternoons. Dinner on Fridays was always pizza, for all family members (parents too) whose rooms were clean. For anyone who chose not to clean, & once in awhile that did happen, dinner was a peanut butter sandwich.
You might ask your kids to help decide upon the specific time the weekly cleaning will occur. Establish the consequence for failure to clean at the stated time.
Setting up such routines & consequences is an application of Grandma's Rule: First we work, then we play.
Who Decides when Clean Is Clean?
Q: I have been following your suggestion that kids clean their rooms before a weekend activity that they all enjoy. Together we decided to do room cleaning on Saturday morning. We run into trouble when they announce they are finished & call me to inspect the rooms, for the rooms are never really clean & neat enough by my standards.
A: You'll have a better chance of solving this problem if you stop thinking of who is right & who is wrong. Think instead of possible solutions that everyone can agree to live with. To win the kids' cooperation, keep the following pointers in mind:
a. Make a very specific list of just what is expected to be done. List exactly what needs to be put away, dusted & vacuumed. Also list how often a specific job needs to be done.
b. Bind everyone, including parents, to the rules & standards that the family agrees on.
c. Rotate the job of "inspector." Let the kids take turns, when they are old enough, inspecting the rooms of other family members, including parents.
Continue the Consequences
Q: I have made several changes lately in the way I deal with family problems based on the idea of limited choices & consequences. My 12-year-old son is not happy with these changes. He likes making his own choices but reacts very negatively when experiencing any type of negative consequence. He claims all this new stuff I'm doing is just a different way of bossing him around. What's wrong?
A: You are experiencing a perfectly normal reaction to a change in parenting style. Most children are not too pleased when parents begin to change their parenting style because they have been successfully manipulating us to get their own way for a long time.
The best way a parent can guide a child to become skilled in making appropriate choices is through the use of consequences, which children at this stage in growing up would prefer to avoid. As the old saying goes, they want to have their cake & eat it too. But such is not the way of the World. For every choice they make there is a consequence, sometimes a desired consequence & sometimes one they prefer to avoid. What your son is saying is that he wants choices but no unpleasant consequences no matter what he chooses. The consequences are there, whether or not he wants to avoid them. It's a lesson he must begin to learn now.
His remark that you are bossing him around is an attempt to manipulate you by making you feel guilty, so that you will intervene & take away the unpleasant consequences of his choices. Don't do it!
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Neat Beds. To simplify bedmaking, consider using a fitted bottom sheet & a sleeping bag instead of two sheets, blankets & spread. Even a preschooler can tug a sleeping bag neatly into place. If you coordinate a solid colour sheet & pillowcase with a print or plaid sleeping bag, the bed will look attractive. Today's sleeping bags can go into the washing machine the same as other linens. (Editor: To save laundry or "scratchiness" you could either use a sleeping bag cover or simply use a top sheet.) For hot nights, it's easy to make a light weight sleeping bag, particularly if you have a sewing machine. Buy four yards of cotton flannel & fold in half with the selvages (woven edges) forming the long sides. Sew up the sides, hem the tops & you have a Summer bag.
Chores on Cards. If your child is expected to do chores after school, reminding him about them the minute he arrives home is not the most effective method. Instead, jot the chores on note cards & have these cards waiting for the kids on the table along with an afternoon snack.
A Calendar or Appointment Book. Write on the calendar all of the activities that are regularly scheduled on the appropriate day, such as bedroom clean-up, household chores, bed linen changing, clothes sorting & putting away. Let the child do as much of the writing & scheduling as possible. It's amazing how much more readily a child will respond to a calendar telling him or her what to do than to parental reminding. This is true because arguments & power struggles with a calendar are pointless.
Thank You Notes. One way to get kids to remember to do specific jobs around the house--without nagging--is to post appropriate thank you notes in strategic places. How about "Thank you for not leaving dirty dishes" posted over the kitchen sink, or "Thank you for hanging up the towels" in the bathroom. Use these notes in whatever areas are trouble spots in your home. To make the notes attractive & conspicuous, you might try making them out of circles of coloured construction paper with a smiling-face design. Better still, get the kids to help make them on a rainy day. Change the notes regularly--they lose their appeal if left for months on end.
CONCERNING CLOTHES
Reasonable Expectations. The children in kindergarten or first grade may need a parent's help choosing appropriate school clothes. By second grade, he is old enough to choose the clothes he is going to wear each day by himself. You can expect any school-age child to dress without dawdling & fooling around & to be ready for breakfast on time.
It is reasonable to expect dirty laundry to be put in the hamper, not strewn around the kids' rooms. A child five or older can empty hampers in the laundry room & sort the clothes by colour. Put a stool near the washer & the same child will be able to put the sorted clothes in the machine.
All school-age kids can be expected to fold & put away their own clothes. Perhaps each item won't be folded as perfectly as Mom or Dad could fold it, but if perfection isn't demanded, the child's ability to do chores such as fold clothes will improve.
As the kids get a little older, they can be expected to mend their own clothes. Replacing buttons, sewing a simple ripped seam, ironing on patches--all can be mastered by age twelve.
Dawdling over Dressing
Q: I've got a six-year-old daughter who dawdles over dressing. She'd still be in her room at lunch time trying to pick out her clothes or sitting with one sock on if I didn't constantly nag her & partially dress her myself. At what age should you expect kids to dress themselves in a reasonable amount of time?
A: Certainly by the time she goes to elementary school a child should be able to pick out her own clothes & get dressed with no help from Mom or Dad.
To shorten the time it takes her to get dressed in the morning, have her choose the next day's outfit the night before. If your youngster has trouble making this decision, give her limited choices. Take out perhaps three blouses & say, "You can wear any one of these blouses. You decide." Sometimes the process of choice is a hard one for children to learn, & by limiting the choices for awhile you build up their skill & confidence in making choices.
If she is still too slow getting dressed, don't remind or nag her or do it yourself. Just set up a rule that breakfast is served during a certain time each day, only to kids who are dressed & ready for school. If she dawdles, the consequence is that she misses breakfast. No "I told you so." Just tell her, "I'm sorry you missed breakfast today. Perhaps tomorrow you'll decide to dress a bit more quickly." She won't starve. She will learn to dress more quickly.
Let's Lose Less
Q: My children constantly lose small articles of clothing at school. They have lost hats, mittens, sweatshirts & gym shorts. Given today's high prices, I'm tired of replacing lost items. Is there any solution?
A: Yes. Parenting should not reward carelessness by constantly replacing lost personal items. Since it is the child who has been careless, it must be the child who replaces the items.
Depending upon the age of the child, the replacement costs can be handled in a number of ways. Older children can be expected to use their own funds.
Children who do not have enough personal money to replace the items can be expected to perform extra household duties to earn part or all of the replacement. These chores should not be ones that are part of their regular routine. For example, the child could wax a floor, clean a cupboard, or wash the car. For the younger child it is sufficient for the child to earn only part, not all, of the replacement costs.
Once your children realise that they have full responsibility for their personal articles, that Mom & Dad aren't going to replace the things they lose, they will have a much greater incentive to keep track of their belongings.
Laundry Relief. Tired of folding & putting away laundry for the whole family? Buy each person a plastic laundry basket to be kept near the washer & dryer. When the clothes are finished, put each person's things in his or her own basket. Clothes that wrinkle easily can be draped over the side of the basket. That evening have each person take his basket to his room where each can fold & put away his own clothes.
Clothes Hampers. Does your child often throw dirty clothes on the floor instead of using the family hamper? If so, you might find that a special personal hamper kept next to his bed solves the problem. Take him shopping with you & let him pick out a hamper. Or make a hamper out of large carton that he paints & decorates himself.
Name Tags. Help prevent the loss of mittens, scarves & hats by making sure each item has a name tag on it. Name tags are easy to make. All you need is seam binding & a laundry marker. Let your child write his own labels. Elementary-school children can even attach the labels themselves with a simple sewing stitch.
Choosing Clothes. Children deserve some choice over what they wear. Keep the clothes choices within reasonable limits by presenting three or four possible items that differ in colour or style & allowing the child to make the final decision.
"Mom, Fix It." Part of growing up is learning to fix & mend your own clothes. All children need to learn this skill. Teach your children to sew on buttons & to apply simple iron-on patches. As they get older they can learn to use a sewing machine to repair ripped seams. Remember, never do for a child what he can do for himself.
Use the language of privilege instead of the language of drudgery when you teach them to wash & mend. Don't make them do anything--allow them to do it. They are getting older, more capable, so the privilege of participating in these activities is now theirs. After all, it can be exciting to learn how to use machines that are usually operated by adults only.
Stay involved with your kids as they wash & mend their clothes. It is much more fun to do these things in the company of Mom or Dad.
CHILDHOOD CAN'T ALWAYS BE HAPPY
Reasonable Expectations. Every child comes into the World able to experience a full range of emotions. As parents, we are delighted when our children experience joy, happiness, anticipation, patience, confidence. We are not so delighted when they experience sadness, jealousy, fear, pain, frustration, anger or boredom. To be fully human, however, is to experience all of these feelings.
Cashing in on Illness
Q: My ten-year-old daughter has been home from school for three days with the flu. While she steadily improves, I am definitely getting worse. Her constant demands for attention, drinks & entertainment are running me ragged. The first few requests I answer pleasantly, but by the time she has asked for the twentieth glass of water I am ready to scream. Is it necessary for me to respond to all her calls for help?
A: No, it is not necessary for you to respond to each & every one of her demands. In fact, by giving her so much extra attention & by allowing her to boss you around, you are teaching her that being sick has some very pleasant side benefits. Many people learn to use illness to get love & attention that could best be obtained in other ways.
Don't do for your daughter what she can do for herself. Put a thermos of water or juice next to her bed so she can pour her own drinks. Let her be responsible for her own entertainment & activities. Early in the morning ask her what books, toys & games she would like for the day & put them in an "entertainment carton" near the bed. Leave a pencil & paper by the bed & tell her to write down any additional requests for the entertainment carton. You can fill these requests when you bring more liquids.
It's okay to spend some extra time with your daughter but do this when it is convenient for you, not when she is demanding company.
Minimise Mistakes
Q: My 9-year-old son doesn't like to make mistakes. Whenever he loses a game such as cards or baseball he sulks & complains & sometimes even cries. In school when there is a competitive activity like a spelling bee, he's very unhappy if he makes a mistake & doesn't win. I keep telling him that it's okay to make a mistake & that he shouldn't get so upset, but it doesn't seem to help. What else can I do?
A: First, don't feel sorry for him. An essential part of growing up is learning to deal with frustrated desires. Parents often try to shield their kids from life's frustrations. Don't. In your child's case, he desires to win but doesn't. Let him experience his unhappiness & tears. Don't involve yourself emotionally. Instead, let him talk about his feelings & let him know that his feelings & tears are okay.
It sounds as if your son is a perfectionist & that his concept is based on how well he performs different activities. Let him know that you love & care for him just as he is, whether he is first or not, whether he makes mistakes or not. Show him the mistakes that others in the family make, parents included. In fact, it's good to occasionally talk about mistakes made during the day. It is important to include what people learned from their mistakes & what plans they are making to do things differently in the future. When mistakes are discussed in such matter-of-fact fashion they become less frightening. This will help your child to learn that his self-worth is not tied to winning & to perfect performance.
No Hurting Allowed
Q: We have three daughters, ages six, four & one. The problem is that our six-year-old always wants to pick up the baby, sometimes to the point of hurting her. I have tried reasoning with her, punishing her, separating the two, giving extra attention, ignoring the situation & even allowing her to help more with the baby. Nothing works. I'm sure it's jealousy but I don't know what else to do. I'm afraid to leave them alone for fear the baby will be hurt. Can you give me some advice?
A: Keep up two of the things you are already doing. Continue to give the six-year-old extra attention & let her help care for the baby. When a child misbehaves it is a signal that she is not feeling secure about her place in the family, & this extra attention & involvement with you will help increase her security & sense of belonging.
Some evening when you have time to spend alone with your six-year-old & everyone is in a happy mood, sit down with her & explain that all of us have mixed feelings toward the other members in a family. Sometimes we like a sister & sometimes we don't. Let her know she is loved even when she feels this way. Tell her it's okay for her to express these feelings to you at any time.
However, be very clear that you will allow only the verbal expression of these feelings, that she will not be allowed to act hurtfully toward her sister.
Next, establish a plan of action you will follow if she hurts her sister in the future. Say nothing at these times; action is all that is required at the moment of conflict. Be as consistent as you can about carrying through with the agreed-upon plan.
(Editor: In this situation, if there is any chance at all that the 6-year-old might hurt the baby because of jealousy or simply from being too young, she shouldn't be left alone with her at all. The author mentions to just act & say nothing at these times. However, we all need to be reminded of God's Word & specific reasons why we need punishment--to help us understand why Jesus is displeased with our actions. We all want to please Jesus, & in this case, the 6-year-old girl probably feels her baby sister has done things worthy of resentment. Perhaps you could appeal to her that it would make Jesus sad if she wasn't gentle & kind with her baby sister. Jesus is all good & has only shown love to her, & so she should be good & show love to her sister.)
Constant "I Can'ts"
Q: Our son, age twelve, appears to lack self-confidence. He is forever saying "I can't." His school grades are average & the teachers tell us he could do much better if he'd just try harder. What causes this lack of self-confidence?
A: A number of factors can combine to produce a lack of self-confidence. Probably the strongest factor is the fear of making a mistake. In our society, adults often point out the things a child does wrong much more quickly & frequently than the things a child does right. Fault-finding & frequent criticism discourage a child's belief in his own abilities.
A factor related to the fear of making mistakes is the need to be perfect. The child decides that nothing short of 100 percent accuracy is acceptable. This is discouraging because such perfection is rarely achieved. Kids frequently give up instead of attempting or completing a task at a less than perfect level.
Overprotection also lowers a child's self-confidence. When a parent does something for a child that the child could do for himself, the message transmitted to the child is that he is not capable of doing it.
No amount of talking about how the child "should" feel more self-confidence will help. Instead of talking, take action. Stop noticing mistakes, criticising, comparing & overprotecting your child. Comment on all the things your child does well even if it is just a part of the task & not the end result. Give attention to any improvement shown. Give positive recognition for specific strengths & talents. Recite often the history of your child's successes. Treat your child as if you believe him to be the most capable person in the World & eventually he'll believe it himself.
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Accidents. Downplay the emotional scenes that often accompany childhood accidents. Attend calmly & rationally to the medical needs of the situation. The message you want to give to the child is: "The Lord is in control, let's ask Him to help us."
Childhood accidents are part of life. If treated in a calm, matter-of-fact way, they don't get blown out of proportion & the child doesn't receive the unnecessary service & attention that might lead him or her to become accident prone in the future.
Bumps & Bruises. Keep frozen ice packs handy in the freezer for all the little emergencies that keep cropping up. The easiest way to make an ice pack is to wet a small kitchen sponge, place the sponge inside a plastic bag, then twist & seal the bag. The packs will keep indefinitely in the freezer & are reuseable.
Moodiness. Teens are particularly susceptible to moodiness & quick swings of emotion. When you see your child like this, don't get upset or artificially try to cheer him up. Let him know you are available to talk if he wishes to share what's on his mind.
If you find your child too grumpy to be around, it's easier to move to another spot in the house than to remove the kid. (Editor: However, we have learned that it's not best to leave problems unresolved. It's better to "attack" problems as they arise. At times perhaps we err in not giving people enough time to think things over and pray things through to a solution, but it's better if we are going to err one way or the other, to perhaps rescue them prematurely than just leave them alone to sort it out. Often teens don't yet have a sufficient knowledge of God's Word or background experience to come up with the proper answer, so they need us to get in there with them and talk and pray with them, to help them try to figure out the solution, & not just leave it. Most of us, however, need to learn to preach our sermons less quickly and impose our solutions only after taking enough time to listen to our child and really hear what he's saying.)
MONEY MATTERS Teaching Money Management
Q: Once a month my husband & I pay bills, balance our chequebooks & budget our money for the following month. How much of this should we share with our children? Is it important for kids to know the details of the family finances?
A: One of the best ways for parents to teach their kids about money is to involve them in all aspects of family finances. Kids can only come to appreciate the value of the Dollar if they see how money is used in the real World. Kids can be taught that information about the family's finances is private & is not to be discussed outside the home.
Kids see how that money is budgeted & saved & spent. They need to know about tithing. You can involve children in family finances in two ways: By letting them participate in discussions about the family finances, & by letting them participate in the actual transactions with money.
Kids can participate in cash transactions at stores & banks, & depending on their math skills, can help balance the chequebook, etc.
DEALING WITH DIVORCE & REMARRIAGE
You can expect your kids to be unhappy when one parent moves out & the family is broken up. Expect them to be confused about the change & have many questions about it. It is reasonable to expect, & essential to allow, the expression of all feelings, questions & concerns.
Remarriage is at times another time of loss for the children, so don't expect them to automatically share your feelings of delight & happiness. There are many changes that come with remarriage that may upset a child, perhaps a move, perhaps new kids sharing the house, perhaps a loss of parental attention as someone new begins to take up Mom's or Dad's time. There's also a loss of the dream that many children of divorce hold onto--the dream of the parents getting back together again. So it's not unusual for the kids to express resentment & displeasure at this time.
With time, patience, understanding, careful planning & coping with the specific problems that arise, you can expect your children to weather divorce &/or remarriage & even perhaps come out stronger for it. There's a sense of satisfaction & mastery that comes when one of life's most difficult situations has been encountered & everyone is okay in the end.
When & How to Tell the Children (about divorce/separations)
Q: My husband & I plan to separate shortly. So far, we have not said anything about this to the children. When should we tell them? Also, how should we tell them? Together, or one at a time? I'd like to make this as easy as possible for my kids.
A: Parents can minimise the unpleasant effects of a separation on the kids if they follow some basic guidelines. Notice that I said minimise, not eliminate.
Tell your children as soon as your decision to separate is final. Don't put your children through the confusion & pain of an on-again/off-again separation. They will lose confidence & trust in you. Keep the period between the time they are told & the time the physical separation occurs short. The waiting period before a parent moves out is extremely hard on everyone. The worst way to separate is for one parent to secretly move out & let the other parent tell the children. Such a situation often leaves a child with the fear that one day he will come home & the other parent will be gone too.
It's helpful if both parents tell the children together. Then there's much less chance for one parent to become the "bad guy." It also makes both parents available to answer questions.
Tell all of your children at the same time, no matter what the span in ages. You want the kids to find out directly from you, not from a brother or sister.
State the reasons for the divorce as honestly as you can, touching on all of the major issues involved. Dealing with known issues is always easier than dealing with the fantasies one conjures up when the truth is hidden. (Editor: Of course, stay positive & explain very simply so that the children don't feel unnecessarily confused.)
It is essential that your children get the following messages loudly & clearly when you tell them about the separation:
* Parents may divorce each other but they do not divorce the kids.
* Divorced parents have just as much love for each of their children as married parents do.
* Children are in no way to blame for the divorce.
* The separation is a decision made by both the parents. (Editor: Also point out that no matter what happens, even if Mommy or Daddy leaves, Jesus will never leave & will always stay close.)
Stay Out of Stepchildren's Squabbles
Q: Ours is a blended family. I have two daughters by a previous marriage & my husband has a son & daughter from his first marriage. We have all been living together for almost two years now & frankly I had thought that by this time our household would run a lot smoother than it does. The kids squabble a lot & are constantly running to us with complaints about each other. Even more infuriating are their accusations that we are both unfair, that we favour our "own" kids in settling arguments & don't care for all the kids equally. We do try to be fair in settling disputes, but at times we really can't tell who is at fault. We try so hard to be fair that sometimes it seems almost as if we favour the other spouse's kids. How can we get the members of this blended family to operate as one close family?
A: Kids learn marvellous ways of manipulating parents & getting their own way. In your family they do it with words. Fairness to them means, "Do it my way; give in to me; let me have what I want." They probably entrap you with phrases like, "You treat your own kids better than me" or "You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real mother (father)." Then, due to the guilty feeling that you're not doing a good parenting job, you give in.
Once you realise that their words are being used for manipulation, it will be easier for you not to fall into the trap. You don't even have to answer the accusations when they are thrown. It is not necessary to explain & defend yourself over & over again.
It is especially important for parents of blended families to have the faith in their children that they can all learn to live together in relative harmony.
Picking on Younger Stepbrothers & Stepsisters
Q: I recently married a man with two teenage boys. I have eight-year-old twins, a boy & a girl. I'm forever having to dry the twins' tears after one of the older kids has hurt them. How can you get teenagers to stop picking on stepbrothers & stepsisters who are much younger?
A: It's all too easy to blame the older children when fighting starts between brothers & sisters. We figure if they'd just lay off, leave the little ones alone, all would be peaceful. But would it?
Young kids have dozens of different ways they can drive an older brother or sister up the wall. They can do this by chattering constantly, interrupting, messing with another's belongings, or muttering under their breath words guaranteed to anger. Little kids are smart. They know how their parents see the difference in relative size, so they rarely provoke an older sibling in obvious ways. Instead, they set the scene so it looks like they were just doing some innocent behaviour that's relatively harmless. To the parents, it appears that mean old brother just picked on the young ones for no reason at all.
When the older sibling loses his cool, the parents often crack down & punish him. This punishment is carried out much to the hidden glee of the younger child who has now very successfully managed not only to annoy his brother but to get him into trouble with Mom & Dad, too.
To alter this pattern, older kids need to have alternative methods for dealing with annoying younger siblings. Some evening when all is peaceful, sit down with them & discuss alternatives. Sometimes a polite request to stop the specific behaviour will be effective. Let the younger children know that they share responsibility for any fights that occur, & that you will not protect them any more by punishing only the older kids when fighting erupts. When this protection is removed, as well as the payoff of seeing their brothers get into trouble with Mom & Dad, watch how they learn not to instigate trouble!
More Strokes from More Folks. Divorced parents need not pity their children because they have a "broken home." There can be advantages to having a split family. One big advantage, that comes with time as the parents settle down after the divorce & perhaps even remarry, is that there are now two families instead of one to encourage, love & support the kids. Kids can always use more of this positive encouragement, and the more folks in their lives, the more they can get.
TRAVELLING Peaceful Trips
Q: Each year our family spends time travelling by car. Regardless of the amount of time we spend travelling in the car, my three kids manage to fight & annoy my husband & me constantly. They get bored, tired, restless & hungry. They fight over who is stuck in the middle of the back seat & who will sit on which side of the car. Is it too much to hope that kids can actually behave in the car?
A: To prepare each child to amuse himself, purchase a bookbag or small zippered travel bag for each child before you leave home. A decorated large paper bag can do just as well, although it can tip & spill more easily. Into this bag put pencils, markers, crayons, writing paper, colouring books, workbooks, word games, crossword puzzles & small toys such as stuffed animals, finger puppets, miniature cars & trucks & so forth. A clipboard serves to make writing easier. The secret to success in the use of this bookbag lies in limiting its use to times when you are travelling in the car. If the trip is especially long, or if your child is very young, don't put all the items into the bag at the start of the trip. Gift wrap some for a surprise at breakfast each day.
If you own a small cassette tape recorder, bring that along with plenty of spare batteries.
There are a lot of ways to spend the family times. You can sing together. There are also numerous word games & alphabet games that are fun.
Be aware of the physical needs of children travelling. Their bodies need to move. Since movement in the car is necessarily limited, stop once each hour & encourage the kids to exercise or run if there's a safe place to do so.
Plan snack times rather than letting kids eat continuously in the car. Kids then have something to anticipate.
To eliminate arguments over who sits where, make a seating schedule together before you leave & tape it to the back of the front seat. Schedule frequent switches.
Learning While Travelling. Summer trips offer many opportunities for children to learn & practice school-related skills. With careful planning, you can incorporate reading, writing, mathematics, history & geography into your travel plans.
Study the atlas together. Use the atlas for route information & calculate the mileage, using alternative routes to an area. Look at any specialty charts that the atlas may contain for information on vegetation, land forms & land usage, population density, precipitation, industry & so on. Your kids will learn good map-reading skills while accumulating valuable information on the area you'll visit.
Develop your kids' money management skills by providing little notebooks in which they can keep records of any money they spend.
Older children can keep the expense records for the family, including gasoline & other transportation costs, food, motels & so on. Let them keep track of the mileage & gasoline & calculate the miles per gallon for your car.
Allow the family to experience the local colour of an area by leaving the superhighways for an hour a day & travelling the local state road that often parallels the highway. Increase your child's interest in history by stopping to read historical markers along the way.
Travelling affords much opportunity to practice writing skills. Notebooks for your children can be used to keep daily journals. Encourage photography.
COMMON CHILDHOOD CONCERNS
Winning Over Whining--COMMON CHILDHOOD CONCERNS
Q: How can I stop my six-year-old daughter from whining?
A: It's much easier to stop a parent from listening than to stop a child from whining. The end result will be the same--you won't hear any whining, as they will discover it has become ineffective.
Kids sometimes whine because it is a very effective way to get undue attention from their parents. Other times they whine in order to get their own way. Kids learn at a very young age that if they whine long enough, many parents will give in just to stop the noise. This method of manipulating parents succeeds just often enough to reinforce the whining behaviour.
So let's talk about how a parent can stop listening. Maybe you are the kind of parent who can just decide not to hear; if so, tell your daughter only once that she has the choice whether or not she wishes to continue to whine, but that you have decided that you'll listen no longer.
Another help in tuning out a whining kid is to wear a pair of big fluffy earmuffs. That will give the child a strong visual signal that her behaviour is unacceptable.
(Editor: Of course, we would do something about whining, & deal with the problem itself rather than just the symptom of whining. Find out if they simply need attention, & if they're young, distract them. If you answer what they're whining about & they continue to whine, the ear muffs might be good. You could give them a swat if previously agreed upon.)
Ignore the Interrupter--COMMON CHILDHOOD CONCERNS
Q: What can I do with kids who constantly interrupt my conversations? I can't say two words to anyone, even my wife, without my kids interrupting to ask a question or tell me something. I've told them a hundred times to wait until I'm finished talking but they still interrupt. What else can I do?
A: You can acknowledge a child's presence physically with a hand on his shoulder or around his waist, but do not talk to him until your conversation is at a natural breaking point.
Some role-playing around this issue would be fun & informative for the whole family. The younger the children are, the more important it is actually to walk them through the paces of the new situation. To role-play, tell the kids you are going to have a rehearsal of how to act when one person is talking with another person. Have two family members stage a conversation & have another interrupt. Be sure in role-playing that everyone gets a chance to play the different roles. Afterward, be sure to discuss how it felt in each of the roles.
Turn Off the Water Power--COMMON CHILDHOOD CONCERNS
Q: My five-year-old child has frequent "accidents" because he just can't manage to get to the bathroom on time. I often remind him to stop playing as soon as he feels the urge to go, but he refuses to listen. I warn him that the other kids will make fun of him. I have nagged, scolded & threatened, all to no avail. What next?
A: He has one thing stronger than all the nagging & threatening in the World--water power! You cannot control your child's bladder by force. Instead, change your response to these accidents so it is the child--not you--who experiences the consequences.
Explain to your son that he is old enough to decide whether he wishes to wet his pants or to use the bathroom. Tell him that he is able to dry himself & change his clothes without your help, so there is no reason for you to get involved.
Keep handy all the items your son needs to care for himself when he is wet. Include powder or cream if his skin often becomes sore & a pail nearby for the wet clothes. Put these toiletries in the bathroom within his reach. Show him how to use these items in a helpful, friendly way. Let him see that this change in routine is happening out of your respect for his ability to care for his own needs, not out of your anger & frustration.
If the accidents occur frequently at school, allow him to take a bag to school that contains a washcloth, powder or cream, dry pants & a plastic bag for the wet clothes. This allows him to take care of his own needs at school as well as at home.
(Editor: Of course the cause might be a spiritual problem, in which case the child would need earnest prayer. But these "natural consequences" methods could then possibly be quite effective.)
MORE HELPFUL HINTS!
Regressions. Don't feel confused & upset if occasionally your child slips backward into a stage of behaviour you thought he or she was beyond. These backward steps are part of the normal progression of development, which rarely moves steadily ahead. Accept occasional regressions as part of the normal process of growing up. Don't ridicule or scold your child for these regressions, but don't give extra attention to these behaviours, either. Realise that when regressions occur, they typically signify a period of stress for the child & that in stressful times it is love, support & encouragement that are needed.
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Family Fun Time. Every family needs a time during the week set aside for having fun together. When the whole family plans an activity for this time, it will be eagerly awaited by all. Do not let misbehaviour during the week affect this time--there are more effective ways to handle behaviour problems. Be sure that the activities planned can be enjoyed by all members of the family, regardless of age or ability.
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Humiliation. Humiliating a child is one of the least effective parenting tools. True, by making fun of a child you might be able to change or stop a misbehaviour for the moment. But sooner or later the child will strike back at you in revenge, especially if you humiliate him in front of his peers. The short-term change in the child's behaviour is not worth the long-term buildup of hostility.
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Greetings. The first time family members greet each other in the morning or after school or work is an important moment in the maintaining of close relationships. A warm greeting, accompanied by a touch on the shoulder or a hug or a kiss says "You are important & I care about you." Even though these first moments are often busy ones for parents, spending that little bit of extra time together is easily repaid by the amount of good family feelings that result.
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Changing Activities. When you know a change of activity is going to occur, give your child a fifteen-minute notice before the new activity must begin. This allows the child a chance to finish whatever he is doing before complying with your request. You'll find your child is much more cooperative when not asked to do something "this instant."
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Appreciation Exchange. Set up a time in the evening, perhaps just before bed, when your family can exchange appreciations with each other for all of the good things that happened in the day. You'll be teaching your kids two important skills by doing this. They will learn, first, to notice what other people do &, second, to express their feelings about what they have noticed. How nice it would be if parents could actually hear their children expressing thanks for the many things parents do that seem to go undetected. Many times the kids do notice, but just never get around to saying anything. By your setting aside a special time to exchange appreciations, everyone can end the day feeling warm & loved.
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"Here Let Me Do That." Parents, throw this sentence out of your vocabulary! How discouraging it is to a child who is fumbling with a task to have a parent take it away & do it quicker & better. The lesson the child learns is that he surely has poor skills & little value. Self-confidence flies out the window. Instead, use an encouraging phrase that will give your child the patience to stick with the task until success is achieved. Say, "Wow, I like the way you keep at it until you've got it," or "It often seems hard when you're learning how to do something. You're doing a good job learning."
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Commenting on Contributions. One way to encourage your children is to notice their contributions to family life & to make positive comments about specific helpful behaviours. In making such comments, state both the behaviour that pleased you & the effect the behaviour had on you. For example, suppose your child surprised you by folding the family wash. An appropriate comment might be, "Thank you so much! I'm really pleased you folded all the wash. Now I have more time to relax with the family tonight."
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Verbalising Instructions. When you ask a young child to perform a task, have the child verbalise back to you just what he or she is going to do. That way you'll know whether or not the child has heard correctly & has a clear idea of your expectations. Give a toddler only one simple instruction at a time. As the child experiences success with one instruction, try two at a time. By increasing slowly, you minimise the chances of your child being frustrated by a task he or she is not able to handle. Giving simple verbal tasks to a preschool child helps develop the reading-readiness skill called auditory memory.
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King or Queen for a Day. Add some extra holidays to your calendar this year. Designate one day per child when Mom or Dad will give exclusive attention to that child. The child & the parent will plan the day together, the only restrictions being distance & the parent's finances available.
When you give your child your undivided attention in an activity either in or out of the home, you are giving something far more valuable than any material gift. Children two & three years old are not too young to appreciate the specialness of this day, nor are teenagers too old.
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Private Space. Every child needs a place in the house to call his own, where he can retreat when he feels a strong need to be alone. This must be a place where the other family members won't intrude. There must be a family understanding that the child will not be disturbed by other family members when he is in his private space. It isn't necessary for this private space to be an entire bedroom: Perhaps just the child's bed can be that space. Or try a desk or a special chair. Another possibility is a large refrigerator carton which the children decorates himself & fills with pillows.
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I Can vs IQ. A youngster's success in life is based more on his belief in his abilities than in his IQ. This feeling of "I can" is fostered by parents who allow their kids to assume responsibility, parents who are very slow to criticise. These parents give approval & praise easily for effort, improvement & tasks well done, & are fond of predicting all kinds of successes for their child.
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"Caught Ya!" Raise a child's self-esteem by playing the game of "Caught ya!" The idea is to catch the child being good, & to comment on whatever it is the child is doing. Comment verbally, or write a "caught ya being good" note & put it under your child's pillow.
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Yelling. When I talk with children, I find the parental behaviour they complain about most is yelling. Yelling is seen by the kids as an unfair, heavy-handed device of parental domination. Sometimes the kids will comply with whatever it is the parent is yelling about, sometimes not. In either case, the yelling sparks unpleasant feelings in the child toward the parent. These feelings often are translated into revenge behaviours at some later date, behaviours that the kid uses to get even with the parents. So, while yelling might accomplish a parent's immediate goals, the side effects of unpleasant feelings & the possibility of future revenge behaviours make yelling a technique most parents would do better to avoid.
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Immediate Responses. It is not always easy to instantaneously come up with the best solution to a child's misbehaviour. When we react too quickly to a situation, we often regret the action we did take. Feel free to say to a child, "I need to think about this situation for a little while before I decide what is to be done." A well-thought-out solution, even if it comes after a short delay, is usually more effective than an action taken in haste & anger.
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The Lord made parents so they could be examples of His loving discipline & rule. I think He meant their loving care & discipline to be training in submission to Him. If all our lives we've submitted to our Earthly parents, then it shouldn't be so difficult to recognise God's authority & to bow to it & submit to it!
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