HOW TO REALLY LOVE YOUR CHILD--By Dr. Ross Campbell
THE PROBLEM
Most parents are having a difficult time raising their children. With pressures & strains mounting every day upon the American family, it is easy to become confused & discouraged. Rising divorce rates, economic crises, declining quality of education, & loss of trust in leadership all take an emotional toll on everyone. As parents become more physically, emotionally & spiritually drained, it becomes increasingly difficult to nurture their child. I am convinced that a child takes the greatest brunt of these difficult times. A child is the most needy person in our society, & his greatest need is love.
I think all parents agree that raising a child today is especially difficult. One reason is that so much of a child's time is under the control & influence of others; for instance, school, church, neighbors & peers. Because of this, many parents feel no matter how good a job they do, their efforts have little overall effect upon their child.
Just the opposite is true. Every study I've read indicates that the home wins hands down in every case. The influence of parents far outweighs everything else. The home holds the upper hand in determining how happy, secure & stable a child is; how a child gets along with adults, peers & different children; how confident a youngster is in himself & his abilities; how affectionate he is or how aloof; how he responds to unfamiliar situations. Yes, the home, despite many distractions for a child, has the greatest influence on him.
It is a fact that most parents have a feeling of love toward their children. It is assumed, however, that parents naturally convey this love to a child. This is the greatest error today. Most parents are not transmitting their own heartfelt love to their children, & the reason is that they do not know how. Consequently, many children today do not feel genuinely, unconditionally loved & accepted.
This, I feel, is the case in most children's problems today. Unless parents have a basic love-bond relationship with their child, everything else (discipline, peer relationships, school performance etc.) is on a faulty foundation & problems will result.
THE SETTING
We can start by realising that there is a difference between cognitive (that is, intellectual or rational) communications & emotional (that is, feeling) communications. Persons who communicate primarily on a cognitive level deal mainly with factual data. They like to talk about such topics as sports, the stock market, money, houses, jobs etc., keeping the subject of conversation out of the emotional area. Usually they are quite uncomfortable dealing with issues which elicit feelings, especially unpleasant feelings such as anger. Consequently, they avoid talking about subjects which involve love, fear & anger. These persons have difficulty, then, being warm & supportive of their spouses.
Others communicate more on the feeling level. They tire easily of purely factual data, & feel a need to share feelings, especially with their spouses. They feel the atmosphere between husband & wife must be as free as possible from unpleasant feelings like tension, anger & resentment. So, of course, they want to talk about these emotional things, resolve conflicts with their spouse, clear the air, & keep things pleasant between them.
Of course, no one is completely cognitive or completely emotional. We all fit somewhere between the two extremes.
A Father's Initiative
I have yet to see a truly happy, warm family where the husband & father did not assume family responsibility. Again, the wife & mother has her responsibilities, but the husband must be willing to help her & support her in each of these. One reason that this is essential is that a woman has a difficult time initiating love for her husband when she feels her husband is not willing to support her 100 percent in all areas of family life, emotional & otherwise. Of course, the same is true regarding the husband's family responsibility. He must know that his wife is ready to help & even step in when needed.
Another way to put it is that when a woman must assume responsibility because her husband simply has ignored it, that is, by default, it is hard for her to feel secure & comfortable in his love. For example, one lady whom I was counselling complained that she felt insecure in her husband's love & had difficulty responding to him lovingly. As it turned out, she was responsible strictly by default for essentially every aspect of the family life, including the yard & handling the finances. This arrangement may be all right if husband & wife both agree & are happy with it; but even then, the husband must assume that overall responsibility if needed; that is, he must be willing to take over if the spouse is overburdened. A husband's "willingness" to be completely answerable for his family is one of the greatest assets a wife & child can have.
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A dad is a mender of toys, a leader of boys.
He's a changer of fuses, a healer of bruises.
He's a mover of couches, a healer of ouches.
He's a hanger of screens, a counsellor of teens.
He's a pounder of nails, a teller of tales.
He's a dryer of dishes, a fulfiller of wishes.
Bless him, O Lord.
--Jo Ann Heidbreder
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A wife can be wonderful at accepting love initiated by her husband, amplifying it manyfold, & reflecting it to him & the children, filling the home with an inexplicably wonderful climate. The love returned to him by his wife is priceless, in my opinion the most precious commodity in this World. It is difficult to initiate love at first, but as the husband experiences his wife's love in return, he finds it to be multiplied many times, & sees that as this love increases with time, it becomes easier & easier to do.
The chances are overwhelming that our wives are more competent in the area of love, caring & identifying emotional needs in us & our children. And we generally follow the guidance of experts, right? Then, clearly, we men desperately need our wives' help in leading us in this relatively foreign world of feeling.
Not only must we husbands be willing to respect & be guided by our wives' natural know-how in emotional areas, we must encourage her & support her daily task of setting the emotional climate in the home. If we are a hindrance to her, or perhaps even oppose her in this, we will discourage her & eventually break her spirit.
The foundation of all love relationships can be called "unconditional love," love that is not dependent on such things as spouse performance, age, weight, mistakes etc. This kind of love says, "I love my wife, no matter what. No matter what she does, how she looks, or what she says, I will always love her." Yes, unconditional love is an ideal & perhaps impossible to attain completely, but the closer I can come to it, the more my wife will be made perfect by Him who loves us so.
As we explore the world of a child, we must remember that the marital relationship remains unquestionably the most important bond in a family. Its effect on a child throughout his life is tremendous.
THE FOUNDATION
Real love is unconditional, & should be evident in all love relationships (See 1Cor.13:4-7). The foundation of a solid relationship with our child is unconditional love. Only that type of love relationship can assure a child's growth to his full & total potential.
What is unconditional love?--Unconditional love is loving a child no matter what. No matter what the child looks like. No matter what his assets, liabilities, handicaps. No matter what we expect him to be, & most difficult of all, no matter how he acts. This does not mean, of course, that we always like his behavior. Unconditional love means we love the child even when at times we may detest his behavior.
How I wish I could say, "I love my children all the time regardless of anything else, including their behaviour." But like all parents, I cannot. Yet I will give myself credit for trying to arrive at that wonderful goal of loving them unconditionally. I do this by constantly reminding myself that:
(1) They are children.
(2) They will tend to act like children.
(3) Much of childish behavior is unpleasant.
(4) If I do my part as a parent & love them despite their childish behavior, they will be able to mature & give up childish ways.
(5) If I only love them when they please me (conditional love), & convey my love to them only during those times, they will not feel genuinely loved. This in turn will make them insecure, damage their self-image, & actually prevent them from moving on to better self-control & more mature behaviour. Therefore, their behaviour & its development is my responsibility as much as theirs.
(6) If I love them unconditionally, they will feel good about themselves & be comfortable with themselves. They will then be able to control their anxiety &, in turn, their behaviour, as they grow into adulthood.
(7) If I only love them when they meet my requirements or expectations, they will feel incompetent. They will believe it is fruitless to do their best because it is never enough. Insecurity, anxiety & low self-esteem will plague them. They will be constant hindrances in their emotional & behavioural growth. Again, their total growth is as much my responsibility as theirs.
(8) For my sake as a struggling parent, & for my sons' (& daughters') sake, I pray my love for my children will be as unconditional as I can make it. The future of my children depends on this foundation.
Children Reflect Love
Children may be thought of as mirrors. If love is given to them, they return it. If none is given, they have none to return. Unconditional love is reflected unconditionally, & conditional love is returned conditionally.
The love between Tom & his parents is an example of a conditional relationship. As Tom was growing up, he yearned for a close, warm relationship with his parents. Unfortunately his parents felt that they should continually prompt him to do better by withholding praise, warmth, & affection except for truly outstanding behaviour, when he made them feel proud. Otherwise they were strict, in that they felt too much approval & affection would spoil him & dampen his striving to be better. Their love was given when Tom excelled, but was withheld otherwise. This probably worked well when Tom was very young. But as he grew older, he began feeling that his parents really didn't love or appreciate him in his own right, but cared only about their own esteem.
By the time Tom became a teenager, his love for his parents strongly resembled that of his parents for him. He had learned well how to love conditionally. He only behaved in a way which pleased his parents when his parents did something to please him. Of course, with both Tom & his parents playing this game, eventually neither could convey love to the other because each was waiting for the other to do something pleasing. In this situation, each one becomes more & more disappointed, confused & bewildered. Eventually depression, anger & resentment set in, prompting his parents to seek help.
How would you handle that situation? Some would instruct the parents to demand their rights as parents: Respect, obedience etc. Some would criticise Tom for his attitude toward his parents & demand that he honor them. Some would recommend severe punishment for Tom. Think about it.
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I hardly know a real father or real mother who doesn't love their child or children more than themselves. That's what makes them real fathers & mothers--they're willing to suffer & sacrifice for their children.
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HOW TO CONVEY LOVE
The purpose of this book is to examine how parents can put their feelings of love into action. Only in this way can they convey their love to their child so that he will feel loved, completely accepted, & respected, & able to love & respect himself.
Conveying love to a child can be broadly classified into four areas: Eye contact, physical contact, focused attention, & discipline. The area most overemphasised today, to the exclusion of the rest, is discipline. I see many children of Christian parents who are well-disciplined but feel unloved. In many of these cases the parents have unfortunately confused discipline with punishment.
Every day I see the results of this approach to child-rearing. These children are well-behaved when they are quite young, although usually overly quiet, somewhat sullen & withdrawn. They lack the spontaneity, curiosity & childish exuberance of a love-nurtured child. And these children usually become behaviour problems as they approach & enter adolescence because they lack a strong emotional bond with their parents.
EYE CONTACT
What is eye contact? Eye contact is looking directly into the eyes of another person.
We find that a child is most attentive when we look him straight in the eye. We may do this mainly to give instructions or for reprimanding & criticising. This is a disastrous mistake.
When a parent uses this powerful means of control at his disposal in a primarily negative way, a child cannot but see his parent in a primarily negative way.
An even worse habit parents may get into is actually using the avoidance of eye contact as a punishment device. This is cruel & we often do this to our spouses. (Come on, admit it.) Consciously refusing to make eye contact with a child is usually more painful than corporal punishment. It can be devastating!
Our ways of showing love to a child should not be controlled by our being pleased or displeased. We must show our love consistently, unwaveringly, no matter what the situation. We can take care of misbehaviour in other ways.
During World War II Nazi blitzes of London, many young children were removed for their protection from the city & placed with adults in the countryside. Their parents remained in London. These children were basically well cared for physically, in that they were clean, well fed & comfortable. Emotionally, however, they were severely deprived because there were not enough caretakers to give the emotional nurturing of eye contact & physical contact.
Most of these children turned out to be emotionally disturbed & handicapped. It would have been far better to have kept them with their mothers. The danger of emotional damage was greater than the danger of physical damage!
PHYSICAL CONTACT
It seems that the most obvious way of conveying our love to a child is by physical contact. Surprisingly, studies show that most parents touch their children only when necessity demands it, as when helping them to dress, undress or get into the car. Otherwise few parents take advantage of this pleasant, effortless way of giving their children that unconditional love they so desperately need.
I don't mean just hugging, kissing & the like. I'm also talking about any type of physical contact. It is such a simple thing to touch a child on his shoulder, gently poke him in the ribs or tousle his hair. These parents don't know the fantastic opportunities they are missing. Within their hands they have a way of assuring their children's emotional security & their own success as parents.
Last summer my eight-year-old son played Peanut League Baseball, & I sat on the bleachers to watch him play. During the games I especially enjoyed watching one father who had discovered the secrets of eye & physical contact.
This father would frequently lay his hand on his son's arm, or put his arm around his son's shoulder & sometimes slap him on the knee. Occasionally, he would pat him on the back or pull the child toward him, especially when a humorous comment was made. You could tell that this father used physical contact whenever he possibly could, as long as he & the boy were comfortable & it was appropriate.
Two Precious Gifts
Physical & eye contact are to be incorporated in all of our everyday dealings with our children. They should be natural, comfortable, & not showy or overdone. Appropriate & frequent eye & physical contact are two of the most precious gifts we can give our child.
Unfortunately, Tom's parents had not discovered the secret of physical & eye contact. They believed boys should be treated as men. They felt affection would feminize Tom into being a sissy. These grieving parents did not realize that the opposite is true, that the more Tom's emotional needs are met by physical & eye contact, especially by his father, the more he will identify with the male sex, & the more masculine he will be.
A boy's need for physical contact never ceases, even though the type of physical contact he needs does change.
As an infant, he needs to be held, cuddled, fondled, hugged & kissed. This type of physical affection is crucial from birth until the boy reaches seven or eight. Research shows that girl infants less than 12 months old receive five times as much physical affection as boy infants. I am convinced that this is one reason younger boys have many more problems than girls.
As a boy grows & becomes older, his need for physical affection such as hugging & kissing lessens, but his need for physical contact does not. He now wants "boy-style" physical contact such as playful wrestling, jostling, backslapping, playful hitting or boxing, bearhugs, "give-me-five" (slapping another person's palm in a moment of triumph). These are just as genuine a means of giving attention as hugging & kissing.
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O mothers, so weary, discouraged,
Worn out with the cares of the day,
You often grow cross & impatient,
Complain of the noise & the play;
For the day brings so many vexations,
For many things go amiss;
But mothers, whatever may vex you,
Send the children to bed with a kiss!
The dear little feet wander often,
Perhaps from the pathway of right,
The dear little hands find new mischief
To try you from morning till night;
But think of the desolate mothers
Who'd give all the World for your bliss
And, as thanks for your infinite blessings,
Send the children to bed with a kiss!
For some day their noise will not vex you,
The silence will hurt you far more;
You will long for their sweet, childish voices
For a sweet, childish face at the door;
And to press a child's face to your bosom,
You'd give all the world for just this!
For the comfort 'twill bring you in sorrow,
Send the children to bed with a kiss!
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Special opportunities to give our children affectionate physical contact (hugging, kissing), especially as they get older, are very special times, moments your child will recall when he or she is in the throes of deepest adolescence, when a teenager is in the conflict of rebellion on one hand versus affection for his parents on the other. The more special memories he has, the stronger he will be able to stand against adolescent turmoil.
These precious opportunities are limited in number. A child quickly passes from one stage on to the next, & before we know it, opportunities to give him what he needs have come & gone. Somber thought, isn't it?
It is easier to give affection to a boy when he is younger, especially around 12 to 18 months of age. As he grows older, however, it becomes more difficult. Why? One reason is the false assumption that the physical display of affection is feminine. Most boys become less appealing to people as they grow older. For example, to many people a seven or eight-year-old boy is unappealing, irritating & often grotesque. In order to give a boy what he must have emotionally we must recognise these unpleasant feelings in ourselves, resist them, & go ahead with what we must do as mothers & fathers.
Girls during their first seven or eight years do not make their affectional needs so evident. Although girls don't show their misery as much when they are younger, they suffer intensely when not properly cared for emotionally.
Physical contact, especially the more affectionate type (holding, hugging, kissing etc.), is vital to boys during their younger years. The younger the boy, the more vital affectional contact is to him. While, with a girl, physical contact (especially the more affectionate type) increases in importance as she becomes older & reaches a zenith at around the age of eleven.
Eleven is an ultra-critical age when girls have an almost desperate need for abundant eye contact, focused attention, & notably physical contact, especially from their fathers.
Preparation for Adolescence
Why is affectionate love so important to girls around that age of pre-adolescence? The answer: Preparation for adolescence.
The two most important aspects of this preparation for girls are self-image & sexual identity. As she nears adolescence she intuitively or unconsciously knows that how she weathers those turbulent adolescent years depends on how she feels about herself. If she is comfortable as a "woman" when she enters adolescence, her adolescence will be relatively smooth, pleasant & comfortable with the usual ups & downs. The more stable & healthy her sexual identity, the better she will be able to withstand peer pressure. The less well she thinks of herself as an "OK female", the less stable she will be, & less able to hold to parental values.
Sexual identity is self-approval as a female, & a girl gets her sexual identity at that age primarily from her father, as long as he is living & especially if he is in the home. If a father is dead or otherwise removed from relating to his daughter, a girl must find other parental figures to fill these needs. A father is the primary person who can help his daughter be prepared in this particular way for adolescence.
A father helps his daughter to approve of herself by showing her that he himself approves of her by unconditional love, eye contact & physical contact, as well as focused attention. A daughter's need for her father to do this begins as early as two years of age. This need becomes greater as the girl grows older & approaches that almost tragic age of thirteen.
One problem in our society is that a father usually feels increasingly uncomfortable about giving his daughter the affection she needs when she becomes pre-adolescent.
It is a fact, though, that most parents do love their children. Again, the basic problem is that we are not aware that we must convey our love to our children before anything else: Before teaching, before guidance, before example, before discipline. Unconditional love must be the basic relationship with a child, or everything else is unpredictable, especially their attitudes & behaviour.
FOCUSED ATTENTION
Eye contact & physical contact seldom require real sacrifice by parents. Focused attention does, however, require time, & sometimes a lot of it. It may mean giving up something parents would rather do. Loving parents will see times when a child desperately needs focused attention at a time when the parents feel least like giving it.
What is focused attention? Focused attention is giving a child our full, undivided attention in such a way that he feels without doubt that he is completely loved. In short, focused attention makes a child feel he is the most important person in the World in his parents' eyes!
Fleeting Moments
This illustration poignantly points out the importance of focused attention. I recently read of a father who was sitting in his living room one day. It was his fiftieth birthday, & he happened to be in an irritable mood. Suddenly his eleven-year-old-boy Rick bounced into the room, sat on his father's lap & began kissing him repeatedly on the cheeks. The boy continued his kissing until his father sharply asked, "What are you doing?" The child answered, "I'm giving you 50 kisses on your fiftieth birthday." Ordinarily the father would have been touched by this loving act of affection. Unfortunately, because he was depressed & irritable, he pushed the boy away & stated, "Let's do that some other time." The boy was crushed. He ran out of the house, jumped on his bike & rode away. A few moments later the child was struck & killed by a car. You can imagine the grief, remorse & guilt suffered by this poor father!
Because life is so unpredictable & uncertain, we cannot know or plan how many opportunities will be allowed us for nurturing our children. We must take advantage of our timely opportunities because they are fewer than we may realise.
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Somehow a fellow can't express
The feelings he has had
While through the years he's walked & talked
And laughed & played with Dad.
He cannot put in words the love--
The pride that wells within,
The admiration in his heart,
Whene'er Dad looks at him.
Dad is the hero of his dreams,
The king upon the throne,
The pattern for that ideal life
Which he would make his own.
He knows that Dad well understands
The conflicts in his breast,
And shared the problems he must face,
Though often unexpressed.
How could a fellow go astray,
Who with his Dad has stood
Within the secret place of prayer
Before a holy God?
And this my constant prayer shall be,
That until life is done,
My conduct here shall honor him,
Who proudly calls me "Son."
--Alvis B. Christiansen
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Let's look at another story regarding focused attention. In the diary of the father of a great humanitarian was found a description of a day spent fishing with his son. The father laments how the day was a "total loss" because the son seemed "bored & preoccupied, saying very little." The father even wrote that he probably would not take his son fishing again.
Many years later a historian found these notes, & with curiosity compared them with the entries of the same day in the son's diary. The son exclaimed what a "perfect day" it had been, "all alone" with his father. He described how deeply meaningful & important it was to him!
How to Give Focused Attention
Now that we've seen how vital focused attention is to a child, how do we accomplish it? I have found that the best way to give a child focused attention is to set aside time to spend with him alone.
Finding time to be alone with a child, free from other distractions, is what I consider to be the most difficult aspect of good child rearing. Let's face it, good child rearing takes time.
John Alexander, President of Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship, has four children. At a recent conference, he was relating how difficult it was for him to find time for each of them. His solution was to save at least one-half hour every Sunday afternoon for each of his children. Everyone must find his own way of doing this.
Of course, it is more difficult to find time for focused attention as one has more children. I remember counselling a seven-year-old girl for numerous problems she was having at school & at home.--Problems with school work, peer relationships, sibling relationships & immature behaviour. You've perhaps guessed the problem already. She had nine brothers & sisters & her dear parents couldn't find the time to give her the focused attention she needed. Actually, they weren't aware that this girl was suffering from lack of focused attention because all their other children were quite well adjusted. The parents were farmers & during the natural course of a day--milking, feeding the animals, & plowing--they spent sufficient time alone with each child to forestall problems. With this particular child, because of her age, individual chores, & birth order, the natural course of events prevented her from enjoying enough of her parents' attention. She felt neglected & unloved. Her parents loved her dearly but the child did not feel it & so did not know it.
Careful Planning Pays Off
We see from this illustration how important it is to plan our time in order to provide focused attention for each child. This is especially difficult when we have both a demanding & a nondemanding child in the same family. We must resist the concept that the loudest hinge gets the oil. Every child has the same needs whether he demands they be met or not.
As children grow older, this time of focus needs to be lengthened. Older children need time to warm up, let their developing defenses down, & feel free to share their innermost thoughts, especially anything that may be troubling them. If these times of focused attention were begun early in a child's life, he accepts it very naturally & finds it much easier to share emotional things with his parents. On the other hand, if times for focused attention are not provided, how can a child learn to communicate meaningfully with his parents?
APPROPRIATE & INAPPROPRIATE LOVE
Inappropriate Love
We may define inappropriate love as affection which, when conveyed to a child, hinders a child's emotional growth by failing to meet a child's emotional needs, & which fosters an increasingly dependent relationship upon a parent & hampers self-reliance.
The four most common types of inappropriate love are possessiveness, seductiveness, vicariousness & role-reversal.
Possessiveness
Possessiveness is a tendency of parents to encourage a child to be too dependent on his parents. When a child is small, dependency is obvious & almost complete. But if this dependence does not diminish as a child grows older, it becomes an obstacle to a child's emotional development.
A child must have respect from his parents to be himself. This does not, of course, mean no limit-setting or being permissive. (Every child needs guidance & discipline.) It means to encourage a child to think, to be spontaneous, to realise he is a separate person who must assume more & more responsibility for himself.
We should possess our children as if not possessing. Such is the great message of the Bible. Man can never truly possess anything. He is but the steward of the goods that God entrusts to him, for "the Earth is the Lord's & everything in it". Of course there is some possessiveness in every parent, take care to be continuously aware of it & resist its influence.
Seductiveness
The second inappropriate way of expressing love is through seductiveness. I believe it sufficient to define seductiveness as attempting consciously or unconsciously to derive sensual sexual feelings from an encounter with a child.
I think many loving parents would be greatly helped in this difficult area if they realised that: (1) Every child regardless of age needs appropriate physical contact, (2) to have some occasional sexual feelings or fleeting sexual fantasies regarding a child is normal, (3) a parent should ignore these inappropriate feelings, go ahead, & give a child what he (or she) needs, including appropriate (nonseductive) physical contact.
Two Examples
Let me give you two examples. The second example will show what appropriate love, including physical contact, does for a child concerning sexual identity. But the first example concerns what the absence of it causes.
The first example is drawn from Rusty, a very dear friend of mine who is mean, tough, "all man", & a drill instructor in the U.S. Marine Corps. He & his wonderfully warm sensitive wife have four boys of varying ages. Rusty decided his boys were going to be like him, tough & rugged men. He treated them like Marine recruits with strict & rigid discipline, no affection, unquestioned obedience, & no questions.
Your reaction to this is important. How do you think these boys developed? Do you think they are following in their father's footsteps? Do you think they're becoming "all men"?
The last time I saw these boys each one was extremely effeminate. Their mannerisms, speech & appearance were those of girls. Surprised? You shouldn't be. I see it every day. Boys with rejecting, harsh, non-affectionate fathers generally become effeminate.
Here's the second example. Several years ago we had a pastor who was a huge man with rugged features. His very presence demanded attention, & he had a warm, loving heart. His boy at that time was three years old, the same age as my David but a head taller & about twenty pounds heavier, a "spittin' image of his ol' man." Our pastor loved his son deeply & warmly. He was very affectionate with the boy, lots of holding, hugging, kissing & wrestling.
How do you think this boy developed? Did he follow in his father's footsteps? You bet he did. That little fellow was just like his father. He had a strong, healthy sexual identification & was secure, happy, lovable, & all boy. He will do all right in this World with a dad like that.
If these two examples don't convince you that a superabundance of appropriate love is not only warranted, but needed by every child (girls & boys) from each parent, let me give you this one fact. In all my reading & experience, I have never known of one sexually disoriented person who had a warm, loving & affectionate father.
So, due to these misconceptions we've just looked at (& others), few parents are able to properly nourish their children emotionally. Although there is abundant love in their hearts, there is little in their practice. I am convinced that once these misconceptions are corrected, & once parents understand what a child needs, most are able to provide the superabundance of appropriate love each child must have.
Vicariousness
The third most common type of inappropriate love is vicariousness. Vicariousness, or vicarious love, is living one's life or dreams through the life of a child.
An example of vicariousness is a father using his son to satisfy athletic longings of his own. If you would like to see this phenomenon in action, go to your nearest Little League game. A vicariously-oriented parent becomes emotionally involved in the game to such an extent it is as though he himself were the player. You can see him becoming outrageously angry at the umpire when the call is against his son. Worst of all, such a parent will reprimand & demean his son when he makes a mistake.
Role-Reversal
In role-reversal, parents turn to their infants & small children for nurturing & protection. Sometimes we expect our child to make us feel better. These times usually occur when we ourselves are not feeling well, either physically or mentally. We may be depressed, physically ill, mentally or physically exhausted. At these times we have little or no emotional nurturing to provide our child. It can then be very difficult to give him eye contact, physical contact or focused attention.
In this condition it's so easy to make the mistake of expecting our child to be comforting, reassuring, compliant, mature in his behaviour & passively obedient. These are not the characteristics of a normal child!
We should make every attempt to prevent such times when we are unable to nurture our children. This may mean better care of our bodies to prevent illness & fatigue, for example, a sensible diet, plenty of rest, & plenty of exercise. It may mean looking out for our emotional health by engaging in hobbies or other refreshing activities to prevent depression or mental exhaustion. It may mean keeping our spiritual life fresh & exciting by allowing ample time for prayer & meditation. Most importantly, it means keeping our marriages strong, healthy & secure.
DISCIPLINE: WHAT IS IT?
The first fact we must understand in order to have a well-disciplined child is that making a child feel loved is the first & most important part of good discipline. Of course this is not all, but it is most important.
Discipline is immeasurably easier when the child feels genuinely loved. He is then able to accept his parents' guidance without hostility & obstructiveness.
One aspect of appropriate love not yet mentioned is focused (active) listening. Focused listening is listening to a child in such a way that he is sure you know what he is trying to communicate to you. When a child knows that you understand how he feels & what he wants, he is much more willing to respond positively to discipline, especially when you disagree with him. Nothing frustrates a child more than to be told to do something when he feels his parents don't understand his position. This does not mean catering to a child's demand or whim, it simply means listening to a child so that he doesn't feel you have ignored his thoughts & feelings when you use your authority.
Acknowledging that you understand a child (even if you disagree with him) is usually helpful. Repeating a child's thoughts & feeling back to him is a good way to ensure that he understands that you understand.
I believe that a parent's worst enemy in raising his child is his own uncontrolled feelings, especially anger. Too much anger, especially uncontrolled anger, will frighten a child initially. It may even seem to help a child's behaviour, but this is only temporary. As a child grows older, parental expression of too much anger (temper outbursts), will instill increased disrespect for the parents along with kindling a child's own anger & gradual resentment. When you stop to think about it, uncontrolled feelings draw disrespect from anyone. Why should we expect otherwise from our spouse or child?
We all lose our cool at times. We shouldn't be afraid to apologise later. It's very possible to make a beautiful thing out of a bad one. The times of warmness & closeness that usually follow this are among those special memories that a child (& parents) never forgets.
Discipline & Punishment
To depend on corporal punishment as the principal method of discipline is to make a critical error in assuming that discipline equals punishment. Discipline is training the child in the way he should go. Punishment is only one part of this, & the less the better. The better disciplined a child is, the less punishment will be required. How well a child responds to discipline depends primarily on how much the child feels loved & accepted.
Proponents of corporal punishment seem to have forgotten that the shepherd's rod referred to in Scripture was used almost exclusively for guiding the sheep, not beating them.
The Results of this Approach
You may be surprised, but I have seen many very young children who were raised with much punishment, especially corporal punishment, but who were unmanageable even at an early age. These unfortunate children would be spanked severely but the spankings would have no effect, & the children often would not even cry. Of course before coming to me, many parents have tried every piece of advice given to them, from trying to give even more punishment (like pinching the trapezius muscle), to giving candy, to putting the children in certain types of rigidly structured nursery schools. In every case, one of the problems was a lack in the parent-child love bond. These children just don't feel genuinely loved & accepted.
LOVING DISCIPLINE
In order to understand how to deal with a child's behaviour, we must understand the irrational way in which all children think. All children need & want love. They know they need love & they know they want it, but the way in which they seek it is immature & irrational.
First, let's look at a rational way to obtain love. Say a man named Jim loved a woman named Carla. How would Jim be likely to win Carla's love? Acting immaturely, putting his worst foot forward, whining, pouting, being argumentative & demanding? Of course not. If Jim were mature, he would be at his best. He would put his best foot forward, remain calm, pleasant, helpful, kind & considerate. When he was not sure of Carla's love, he would not resort to immature behaviour; rather he would try to earn Carla's love.
But that is not the way a child does it, folks. A child communicates primarily with his behaviour. He continually asks the question, "Do you love me?" How we answer that question determines many things. It determines a child's self-esteem, attitudes, feelings, peer relationships & on & on. Most behaviour in a child is determined by how much he feels loved.
Instead of winning our love & affection by good behaviour, a child by nature continually tests our love by his behaviour. If a child does not feel love, by nature he is compelled more earnestly to ask, "Do you love me?" through his behaviour. Nothing makes a child more desperate than the lack of love.
What Does this Child Need?
Let me give you an example. My 16-year-old daughter Carey went to camp last summer. My nine-year-old boy was then the oldest child at home, & he liked it. He acted more maturely, & sought more responsibility. David liked to be the oldest. It was great.
The problem was that eventually Carey had to come home. Well, on the day she returned, David's behaviour regressed. He suddenly became whiny, discontented, pouty, somewhat angry, moody & withdrawn.
What happened? Why the sudden, drastic change in David? What should I do as a parent? Punish David for his poor behaviour? Send Carey back to camp? Tell David his five-year-old brother acts better than he? What would you do?
Well, let me explain what I did & why. Of course Carey's coming home & again becoming the oldest kid was hard on David. That's difficult for a seven-year-old (he was seven then) to handle. His behaviour was the pleading question, "Do you love me? Do you love me now that Carey is home & I'm not the oldest any more? How does your love for me compare to your love for Carey? Is she more important? Can she take away your love from me?" Oh, the heartache for children at these times!
If I punished him at that time, how would David think I was answering his question, "Do you love me?" As soon as I could, I took David off alone, held him close, & we talked for some time. Occasionally I told him in boy ways how much I loved him. I gave him eye & physical contact. As his emotional tank was filled, his mood changed back to his happy, outgoing self. It took about 15 to 20 minutes before he was off to play. David was happy & his behaviour was fine. That was one of those special moments we talked about before. I think he will never forget that precious time together. I won't.
When our child misbehaves we must ask ourselves, "What does this child need?" The tendency is for parents to ask, "What can I do to correct this child's behaviour?" Unfortunately, this question usually leads initially to punishment.
The next step is to ask ourselves, "Does the child need eye contact? Does he need physical contact? Does he need focused attention?" We parents must make sure that if the misbehaviour is in any way caused by a need for any of these, we must first meet these needs.
This reminds me of a recent situation with our five-year-old son. I had been out of town for a few days & had returned home. Our five-year-old Dale was acting in a way which irritated me (& everyone else). He was doing all sorts of antics designed to aggravate the rest of the family, especially his nine-year-old brother. You see, Dale knows exactly what to do or say to make David climb the wall. And of course David can do the same to Dale. In fact, one son annoying the other is one of the first clues my dear wife & I have that an emotional tank needs filling.
Anyway, on this certain day, Dale was especially aggravating. He would needle his brother, pout, & make unreasonable demands. My first reaction, of course was to really get on to him. Perhaps send him to his room; perhaps put him to bed; perhaps spank him. Then I stopped to think. "What does he need?" The answer came in an instant. I had been out of town. He had not seen me in three days & I had not really paid him much attention (no focused attention). No wonder the child was asking the old question, "Do you love me?" Actually Dale was asking, "Do you still love me after being gone so long & acting as though it didn't affect me?" Suddenly his behaviour made sense. He desperately needed his daddy & his daddy was not giving him what he needed. If I had done anything other than give him what he needed, me, his behaviour would have become worse. (Yes, even if I had spanked him.) He would have been deeply hurt, resentful, & I would have lost the opportunity to give him one of those special moments.
I can't tell you how thankful I am that I didn't goof on that one. I took Dale to our bedroom, held him close & said nothing. That normally active fellow was so still & quiet against me. He just sat there & absorbed that intangible nurturing. Gradually, as his emotional tank was filled, he came to life. He began talking in his confident, easygoing, spontaneously happy way. After a short conversation about my trip, he jumped down, & ran off. Where? To find his brother, of course. When I walked to the family room, they were playing contentedly together.
So we can see how vital it is always to be asking ourselves, "What does this child need?" If we do not, we will most assuredly skip prematurely into handling misbehaviour inappropriately. We will miss chances to have those extremely important special moments with him. And we will punish a child at times which will hurt him in such a way that will create anger & resentment.
Punishment should be used only as a last resort. It is far, far better to handle misbehaviour positively, especially with genuine love & affection.
Is There a Physical Problem?
The next question to ask ourselves in the face of misbehaviour is, "Does a physical problem exist which is precipitating this behaviour?" The younger a child, the more behaviour is affected by physical needs. Is my child hungry? Is he tired, fatigued? Is he ill? Is he coming down with something, like a cold or flu? Is he in some kind of pain or other discomfort?
This does not mean misbehaviour should be condoned. It means that we parents must make sure we are taking care of what is causing the misbehaviour as well as the misbehaviour itself.
Learn to Forgive
The most destructive time to punish a child for misbehaviour is when a child feels genuinely sorry for what he has done. The harm could come about principally in two ways.
First, if a child is already sorrowful for his inappropriate act, his conscience is alive & well. That's what you want! He has learned from his mistake. A good, healthy conscience is the best deterrent to repeating misbehaviour. Punishment, especially corporal punishment, would remove the feelings of guilt & remorse & enhance the possibility for a child to forget the discomfort of these feelings & to repeat the misconduct.
Secondly, punishing a child under these circumstances could produce feelings of anger. When a child already feels genuinely contrite & remorseful for his act, his conscience is dealing severely with him. He is punishing himself. If you make the mistake of spanking him at a time when he painfully needs affection, he is deeply hurt.
Scripture is a real help at this point. When we do wrong & are sorry for our wrongdoing, what does our Heavenly Father do? He forgives us.
I personally know of no surer way to provoke a child to anger, resentment & bitterness than to punish him, especially physically, when he is genuinely sorry for his behaviour. At these times we must learn to forgive.
A Broken Window
Recently I came home after a long, difficult day in which several things went wrong. I was exhausted & certainly not feeling my best. As soon as I got out of the car, my nine-year-old son ran to me. Usually David has a great big smile on his face & jumps up to give me a big bear hug. This time he was different. His face was so long & forlorn. He looked at me so sadly through his beautiful blue eyes, & said, "Dad, I have to tell you something."
Because of my state of mind, I didn't feel I could handle a big problem very well right then. So I said, "Let's talk about it later, OK, David?"
David looked at me very intently & replied, "Can't we talk about it now, Dad?"
Just then I reached to open the back door & noticed that one of the windows was broken. Somehow I figured out what was on David's mind.
Because I was in an irritable state of mind, I decided I had surely better handle this matter after I had relaxed. But David had followed me to my bedroom & pleaded, "Please let us talk about it now, Dad."
With that pleading look on his face, what could I say? I said, "OK, David, what would you like to talk about?" (As if I didn't know.)
David told me how he & his friends were playing baseball close to the house & how a foul ball had hit a window & broken it. He knew he had done wrong & was obviously sorry about it. He was, through his behaviour, asking, "Do you love me after what I did?"
So I took the boy on my lap & held him close to me for a little while, & said, "That's OK, David. That was an easy thing to do, & we can get the window fixed. Just play farther from the house, OK?"
That was a special moment. David was immediately filled with relief. He cried briefly & just rested in my arms for a few moments. I could just feel the love flow from this child's heart. One of the most wonderful moments of my life. Then David was his old happy, radiant self. He jumped up & was off.
When a child is forgiven a misconduct, this does not mean he should not assume responsibility for its consequences. Restitution may be indicated. In the case of David's breaking the window, it may have been constructive to have him pay for the broken glass in an appropriate way, like working it off. But again, we must make sure that the restitution is in line with the child's age, level of development, & ability to handle it.
DISCIPLINE--Requests, Commands, Rewards & Punishment
Requests
Proper behaviour from a child is required first by requesting it. When parents request good behaviour, a child knows his parents understand that he has ability to think & make decisions himself, has control over his behaviour, & must learn to take responsibility for it. When requests instead of commands are used as much as possible, a child will consider his parents in alliance with him in helping him to mold his own behaviour. This is so important.
Direct Instruction
The fact must be faced, however, that requests will not always suffice. This usually happens when a request is given to a child & he fails to carry it out. Before parents do anything else they must make sure that their request was appropriate, that it was suitable to the child's age, understanding & ability to carry out. The most frequent mistake in this regard is asking a child to do something which seems to be within his ability & actually is not.
The more parents use such authoritative techniques as commands, scolding, nagging or screaming, the less effective they become. It is like the boy who yelled, "Wolf, wolf!" so many times it lost its effect. If parents normally use pleasant requests, the occasional use of direct commands will be quite effective.
The point is to control the child's behaviour in the most gentle, most considerate & most loving way possible.
Defiance
Defiance is one of the few indications for punishment. Defiance is openly resisting & challenging authority--parental authority. It is stubbornly refusing to obey. At these times, punishment is often indicated, & such times occasionally occur no matter what we do. However, parents must attempt to avoid such unpleasant encounters.
Again, let me say this situation should be quite rare. When it occurs, make sure you have tried everything before considering punishment.
Appropriate Punishment
Determining the appropriate punishment is seldom easy. The punishment must fit the offense. Parents must remain flexible, especially regarding punishment.
Flexibility is necessary for several reasons. First, parents make mistakes. Of course parents can change their minds, & lessen or increase the punishment. (Remember that this is a disadvantage to corporal punishment, for once done, it can't be changed.)
For instance, if a punishment is set forth, say confinement to the bedroom for one hour, & later parents discover extenuating facts which show this punishment to be too harsh, it is logical & proper to explain this to the children & lessen the punishment.
Parents must be flexible in order to change their approach to their child when indicated. Parents must also be flexible to be able to apologise.
If our expectations are too rigid (for example, expecting a two-year-old to consistently respond to first requests) we are being unreasonable. A normal two-year-old will naturally be negative most of the time. But this is a normal stage of development, let's call it "two-year-old negativism". Punishment for this is unwarranted. Loving parents of a two-year-old will, of course, be firm, but firm in limit setting, not in punishment. These parents will control the child's behaviour by gently maneuvering the child physically, for example, picking him up, turning him around, guiding him, or placing him in the correct place or position.
This "two-year-old negativism" is crucial for normal child development. This is one of the ways each of us had to separate ourselves psychologically from our parents. It may appear to be defiance, but it is distinctively different. One difference between two-year-old negativism & defiance is belligerence. Two-year-old negativism is normal & should not be punished. Belligerent defiance, on the other hand, cannot be tolerated & must be dealt with.
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If a parent does not punish his sons, his sons will be sure to punish him.
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Being firm does not mean being unpleasant. Loving firmness does not require us to be angry, loud, authoritative, or otherwise unpleasant.
Every child needs to experience all the ways of loving simultaneously. He needs eye contact, physical contact, focused attention, & discipline simultaneously. A child must have our love & firmness together. None of these things are mutually exclusive. Being firm does not negate affection. Being affectionate does not lessen firmness or foster permissiveness. Lack of firmness & limit setting fosters permissiveness but love & affection do not.
When parents have conscientiously provided all the preceding means of loving & disciplining a child, & he remains belligerently defiant, the parents must punish him. This type of defiance must be broken. But if a command or explanation to a child is sufficient to break the defiance, why be more punitive? If sending a child to his room for a period is required & will suffice, fine.
Be Careful
When corporal punishment is used, we must be careful in several respects. First, the child must understand exactly why he is being punished. Words such as "bad boy" can hurt the child's self-esteem & should not be used.
Secondly, parents must be careful not to inflict any physical damage on the child.
Thirdly, immediately after the punishment, parents should then give the child an abundance of eye contact, physical contact, and focused attention to reassure him that he is indeed loved.
CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL PROBLEMS
Dear parents, if your child has any handicap, a problem of any kind, do not become so wrapped up with the problem that you neglect the child. He needs your unconditional love far more than anything else. Far more than any medical care, no matter how necessary. Far more than braces, far more than tutoring or other academic help, far more than any exercise, & far more than any medicine. The most indispensable ingredients in your child's life are you & your giving unconditional love to him. With that, your child can derive the strength & will to overcome & develop.
HELPING YOUR CHILD SPIRITUALLY
If parents want to help a child spiritually, they must care for him first emotionally. Because a child remembers feelings much more easily than facts, there must be a series of pleasant memories upon which to accumulate the facts, especially spiritual facts.
A Popular Misconception
At this point, I would like to examine a popular misconception. It goes something like this: "I want my child to learn to make his own decisions after he is exposed to everything. He shouldn't feel he has to believe what I believe. I want him to learn about different religions & philosophies; then when he has grown up he can make his own decision."
This parent is copping out or else is grossly ignorant of the World we live in. A child brought up in this manner is indeed one to be pitied. Without continual guidance & clarification in ethical, moral & spiritual matters, he will become increasingly confused about his world. There are reasonable answers to many of life's conflicts & seeming contradictions. One of the finest gifts parents can give to a child is a clear, basic understanding of the World & its confusing problems. Without this stable base of knowledge & understanding, is it any wonder many children cry to their parents, "Why didn't you give me a meaning for all this? What's it all about?"
Another reason this approach to spirituality is grossly negligent is this: More & more groups are offering destructive, enslaving & false answers to life's questions. These people would like nothing more than to find a person who was brought up in this seemingly broad-minded way. He is easy prey.
It is amazing to me how some parents can spend thousands of dollars & go to any length of political manipulation to make sure their child is well prepared educationally. Yet, for the most important preparation of all, for life's spiritual battles & finding real meaning in life, a child is left to fend for himself. Prepare your child spiritually now. His future is in your hands!
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Dear Lord, I do not ask
That Thou should'st give me
Some high work of Thine,
Some noble calling, or some wondrous task.
Give me a little hand to hold in mine;
Give me a little child to point the way
Over the strange, sweet path that leads to Thee.
Give me a little voice to teach to pray;
Give me two shining eyes Thy face to see.
The only crown I ask, dear Lord, to wear
Is this: That I may teach a little child.
I do not ask that I may ever stand
Among the wise, the worthy or the great;
I only ask that softly, hand in hand,
A child & I may enter at the gate.
--Author Unknown
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