THE TOTAL MAN--The Way to Confidence & Fulfillment--By Dan Benson
IS DAD REALLY NECESSARY?
Is your primary role that of corporate assistant, printer, welder, accountant, preacher or office manager?--Or of dad?
A group of 300 junior high boys were recently instructed to keep accurate records of how much time their fathers spent with them over a period of two weeks. Most boys reported that they saw their father only at the dinner table. Several never saw their father for days at a time--either he was travelling, or by the time he came home from work they were in bed. The average time fathers spent alone with their sons in an entire week was seven & one-half minutes!
The most critical impact of father's disappearance is upon the children. A boy needs his father around to develop his images of what it means to be a man. A daughter needs a father to develop her sense of femininity & to learn what to expect of masculinity.
The "vanishing father act" happens in at least three ways. First, dad may frequently work overtime into the evening hours & weekends. Or second, he may be in a profession which involves travel, always speaking or having meetings in other cities around the country. Or third, he may only work a regular eight-hour day, but then is too tired, too busy, too complacent, or too "adult" to devote a generous parcel of undivided attention to the kids.
Now I don't know if you're one of those three types of not. Only you & God know that (& quite probably your wife & children). But would you take a few moments to muse on some very important questions? I think you have the best of intentions for your kids. You want to be a successful father. But maybe--if you're like thousands of other contemporary dads--society has played a few tricks to pull your attention away from home.
Ask yourself each of these questions, close your eyes for a moment & think through your own home situation. Take your time. Be honest with yourself.
1. Do I really know my children?
Think of each one by name & age. What are their ambitions? How are they different from each other? How do they differ from you? What are the growing pains they're experiencing? Do they feel free to share them with you--to ask questions?
2. How do my children regard me?
Are you just the man who comes home sighing in the evening? The man who wields the spanking stick? What do they know about you as a person? What do they know about your work, & why it's important to you & to them? Do they think of you as excess baggage, or as an authoritarian, or as the loving leader of the home? Do they respect that leadership?
3. What attitudes or actions of mine have caused them to regard me in this way?
Are you frequently too busy or out-of-town? Are "not now" & "don't bother me when I'm reading" a part of your vocabulary? Do you seem to spend more time disciplining them than you do talking or playing with them? Do you talk about living a balanced life, but in fact live quite out-of-balance?
4. How do my children know that I love them?
First of all, do they know it? Is it enough just to tell them? Do you find yourself buying things or giving money to show your love? Is that really effective? When you're home, is it a time of joy for them, or a time to tread softly?
5. With the limited time that a father has, what should I be doing to best contribute to my child's development?
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It is sobering to recall that fathers bear the title God Himself has chosen as a picture of His relationship to His people.
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I'm convinced that the following are the Three Most Important Things a Man Can Do for His Child:
One: Love Your Wife
A father returned home from work to hear his small son & daughter screaming at each other. Fearing that they were about to exchange blows, he asked, "What's going on here? What's wrong?"
The frowns turned to smiles. The little boy tilted his chin & said, "Nothing. We're just playing Mommy & Daddy."
A giant chunk of their ideas on how to treat the opposite sex will come just from watching you & your wife in everyday situations. Demean each other, & they will see no reason to respect you or anyone else. Romance each other, & they'll get the message: Love is good. Kindness is fun. Members of the opposite sex are to be respected.
As John M. Drescher writes in "Eternity" magazine, "When a child knows parents love each other there is a security, stability & sacredness about life which is gained in no other way."
So make your love for your wife visible to your children.
Two: Develop Your Child
What are some positive ways to develop your child?
1. Listen to him. If your child is young, get down on his level--literally! Can you imagine going through eight or nine years of life talking to people's kneecaps? You'll find communication more fun (for him & for you) if you can look each other in the eye.
Let him know that Dad is available & interested. A continued good rapport, started early, may cause both of you to someday ask, "What generation gap?"
2. Accept him as a person. Acceptance does not mean tolerating wrongdoing. The spirit of approval means that you love your child even when he resists you or is in an ugly mood. He must know that his personal worth is not based on beauty, brains, or behaviour, but on the simple fact that he is a person created by God.
Respect his uniqueness as a growing person. Question: Would you treat your best friends the way you treat your kids? ("Harriet, get your elbows off the table! George, quit slurping your milk!") Since your child should be among your best friends, learn to phrase your remarks to him as you would to a peer. This will help turn "nagging" into "instruction."
3. Praise him. Your child lives in a world of negatives. Most things he'd like to sample are still forbidden. The news is dismal. His teachers (& perhaps his parents) find negative criticism much easier to verbalise than the positive kind.
Compliment his achievements, but don't hold achievements out as your standard of acceptance of him. Praise the fact that he tried & did his best.
4. Spend quality time with him. Some dads I know have initiated a family night at home, with notable success. One night a week is set aside for games, family crafts, charades, popcorn, etc. (not TV!)--wrapped up at the end with some innovative reading from a favourite book. Family night works best, they've found, when no dinner invitation, business meeting or social function is allowed to replace that evening with the kids.
But special nights needn't be set aside in order to have quality time. What about that half hour before dinner after you get home from work? Learn to use even the brief snatches of time available: "Hey, pal, we've got 20 minutes--why don't we play a quick game of basketball?"
5. Give him meaningful responsibility. Let the size of the task increase with the emotional maturity of the children. Every child should have his own personal chores. He'll have a better perspective of what it takes to keep a house going, but most important is the "community spirit" your family will find as you all pitch in together.
6. Instruct him. School is always in session when your child is growing up (but don't tell him that). Be alert for all the natural opportunities to teach values & practical skills.
Their most important training, however, is going to come from watching you. How do you & Mom iron out your disagreements? Are you honest & fair in your dealings with others? Is a game played just for fun, or is "winning" so important that any means of winning is justified?
However, there are also some times when instruction must occur at point-blank range.
Three: Discipline Your Child
The purpose of discipline is not to vent your wrath. You must first inspire that long-overdue respect in your children by building the love relationship. A parent only has the right to discipline his child if he also plays with his child. Why? Because discipline, to be effective, must be administered in the context of love, not legalism.
Suit the punishment to the individual. The "helping rod" is excellent for the young offender, but attempting to spank a 17-year-old will provoke anger. The aim is to teach, not humiliate. Be aware of the different temperaments of your children. To the sensitive one, a firm scolding may do the job of three spankings. To the strong-willed, however, three spankings may not be enough.
Then, always follow up the disciplinary action with love & instruction.
Dad is necessary. If there are children in your house, you're urgently needed there!
TEAMWORK!
Are you changing the oil in the car this weekend? Maybe now's the time to teach your teen boys how to do it themselves. Or if you're finally going to refinish the antique cabinet, why not make a date with your wife to work at it together?
Household projects can be fun. I know a father who has perfected the art of holding family workdays. As each family member rakes leaves, washes windows, or weeds flower beds, he goes from one to the another & works alongside each for a half hour or so. He uses this time to talk with each child about school, sports, boyfriends & girl friends--anything that comes up. Then, before he moves on to help the next person, he says, "You know, I really love you, & I'm glad you're my son (or daughter). Thanks for being such a big help today." At the end of the day--projects completed--the family votes on a special treat: Root beer floats, miniature golf, swimming, or some similar celebration of a day's work well done.
That's one dad who is multiplying his time three ways. He's getting the chores done, teaching his children responsibility, & most important, growing closer to his family through communication & teamwork.
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Only a dad with a tired face,
Coming home from the daily race,
Bringing little of gold or fame,
To show how well he has played the game,
But glad in his heart that his own rejoice,
To see him come home & hear his voice.
Only a dad of a brood of four,
One of ten million men or more,
Plodding along in the daily strife,
Bearing the whips & the scorns of life,
With never a whimper of pain or hate,
For the sake of those who at home do wait!
Only a dad, neither rich nor proud,
Merely one of the surging crowd,
Toiling, striving, from day to day,
Facing whatever may come his way,
Silent whenever the harsh condemn,
And bearing it all for the love of them!
Only a dad, but he gives his all,
To smooth the way for his children small,
Doing with courage stern & grim,
The deeds that his father did for him.
This is the line that for him I pen:
"Only a dad, but the best of men!"
--Edgar A. Guest
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