HOW TO TALK SO YOUR TEENAGER WILL LISTEN--By Paul W. Swets
COMMUNICATING WITH TEENS
Developing a perspective. I remember that when my son Judson was an infant, I thought of him as a bundle of energy eager to be released, as an artistic masterpiece in the process of formation. Consequently, I treated him with great care & respect. Now that he is a teenager I realise that the image I have of my son still colours what I say & how I say it. It also influences the development of his self-concept. If I call him a loser, he will tend to act like a loser. If I treat him as a winner, he will be more apt to act like a winner. Since teens are in the vulnerable process of identity formation, how we think of them & what we tell them will influence what they become.
Trained, not blamed. In addition to learning grammar, vocabulary & writing, some of us may have had courses in public speaking. But how many of us were trained in listening techniques?
The Sperry Corporation discovered that by training employees in listening skills, they could decrease communication error & save millions of dollars. Research showed that those who had been trained in listening techniques became more highly motivated, made fewer mistakes, & enjoyed their work more than those who did not receive the training. We can all enjoy the advantages of being trained--not blamed.
Five steps towards better communicating:
1. We can make slight adjustments. When things go wrong in communicating with our teens, as they undoubtedly will, we can review what happened & make any changes that are necessary. Even small differences in tone of voice, choice of words, facial expressions, or the way we listen can alter teens' views of us & their responses to us.
2. We can set communication goals. Here are some examples that help me.
--Think before I speak
--Listen without interrupting
--Avoid a judgmental tone of voice
--Speak calmly without raising my voice
--Ask questions that promote interesting conversation
--Talk to my teen the way I want my teen to talk to me
2. We can choose our words.
Choice 1
Daughter: Do you know where my shoes are?
Parent: You never put them away. That's why you're always losing them!
Daughter: Oh yeah? Why are you always losing your keys?
Choice 2
Daughter: Do you know where my shoes are:
Parent: I believe you left them by the blue chair.
Daughter: Thanks, Mom.
In choice 1, the parent reacts to the daughter's question with a judgmental statement, attempts to correct a behaviour, & generates hassle. In choice 2, the parent responds without judgement & generates gratitude.
4. We can draw upon our native knowledge. From our memory banks, we can recall how we felt when adults talked to us with respect, or yelled at us in disgust, or asked us how we felt about some matter, or complimented us on jobs well done. That recall, combined with new insights & fresh skills, will help us to meet the challenge of communicating with our teenagers.
5. We can commit ourselves to making the most of our best. I believe there is a better self inside each of us that can make a positive difference in the way we communicate with our teenagers. How do we find it? By committing ourselves to making the most of our best. Without commitment, we will give up when we fail. With commitment, when we fail (& we will at times), we will adjust, try again, & eventually succeed.
Action Steps for Positive Communication:
1. Since motives are the backbone of any commitment, why do you want better communication between you & your teenager?
2. What are some obstacles you & your teen have experienced that interfere with good communication?
3. When obstacles do arise, what can you do to get around them?
A QUICK VIEW OF ADOLESCENCE
What is an adolescent? No couple embraces & says, "Let's have an adolescent!" If that were part of the process, there might be a lot fewer of us!
What is adolescence? It's a time of transition roughly equivalent to the teenage years, but often extending beyond them in both directions. Adolescence is defined as the period between the onset of puberty & the attainment of full adulthood. It is a time of major development physically, socially, mentally, emotionally, morally, & spiritually. It is that dramatic passage from one stage to another in which everything about our teens is both fascinating & confounding--to us & to them.
Physical development. Be prepared to provide accurate information & clear values regarding sex.
Never joke about physical characteristics such as height & weight. Some parents attempt to motivate their children through sarcasm or ridicule. They believe teasing or pressuring teens about excess weight or untidiness will force positive changes. But these pressure tactics only create resentment & strong resistance.
Think & talk about wellness, not sickness. It is a mistake to shower our teens with attention, affection, & our time only when they are not feeling well. The message we need to convey to our daughters is that a period is not the end of the World. We need to help our sons realise that scrapes & bruises are no big deal. Emphasise getting well.
Social development. Teens often give the impression that the whole World revolves around them & they seem surprised when others don't recognise this fact. My son has the following cartoon above his desk.
Children normally accept their friends pretty much as they are, warts & all. But with puberty, they begin to idealise each other. Boys & girls who may have held each other in contempt as children now find the opposite sex interesting to look at & be around. Especially in romantic relationships, teenagers imagine the other person to be more than he or she is. The person on whom they have a "crush" seems perfect in every way. But these crushes don't last long because soon the reality of the human being sets in; they are shocked to find flaws in appearance, character, values, or irritating personal habits.
Strategies: a) Communicate. This means that we listen when our teens are willing to talk, & ask questions. The goal is to keep the lines of communication open so that our teens feel they can come to us at any time with their questions or concerns.
b) Model resistance to peer pressure. We face it too, don't we? At her 93rd birthday party, one grand woman stated that "the best thing about being over 90 is that you outgrow peer pressure!" We can help our teens by our own example.
Mental development. Listening to our teens' ideas does not necessarily mean that we agree with them, but it conveys the message that we think their ideas are important. That encourages them to continue talking & thinking. In the process, they often sort out false ideas themselves & come to a clearer understanding of what really is important to them.
Talk as a friend. Talk about ideas & feelings that are important, much like we would to our friends. Work toward a mutual dialogue that is honest & reflective. One 16-year-old girl in our survey wrote: "I am able to talk with my parents openly about almost anything. My mom is so terrific because she manages to see my side of the situation even when she doesn't agree with me. When she's wrong, she admits it. When she's right, she takes the time to explain why."
Emotional development. At times we feel teenagers are on an emotional roller coaster--one moment riding high on a burst of confidence, optimism & fun-loving play, & the next plummeting to the depths of insecurity, pessimism & depression. While to us these ups & downs may be senseless, to our teens they are real, even though they may not be able to give us "reasons" for what they feel.
Don't minimise feelings. "Cheer up. That's nothing to get upset about" is not helpful. On top of feeling bad, the teen is challenged to defend why his feelings are as strong as they are. Having to do this makes the teen think the adult is insensitive & further communication is likely to be cut off.
Don't over-react to emotional lows or highs. Adolescents need freedom & time to gain emotional balance. Learning to feel deeply & strongly is a significant part of a fully functioning human being. If our teens can learn to express feelings in a healthy manner & avoid the really damaging side of emotions (the release of feelings in words or actions that hurt another person), they will have accomplished one of the significant tasks of adolescence.
Moral/Spiritual development. Psychologist David Elkind writes: "Teenagers need a clearly defined value system against which to test other values & discover their own. But when the important adults in their lives don't know what their own values are & are not sure what is right & what is wrong, what is good & what is bad, the teenagers' task is even more difficult." When a parent says, "I don't know what's right," the teenager hears, "I don't care what you do."
Strategies--a) Do mean what you say. Teens are quick to spot hypocrisy.
b) Admit mistakes. There is nothing worse or more foolish than a parent who presumes to be perfect or appears self-righteous. Our teens know us too well. On the other hand, there is nothing more persuasive about the rightness of our standards when we admit we have failed to live up to our standards & say, "I'm really sorry. I was wrong."
GETTING THROUGH TO TEENS
Why is it so hard to get through to teens? Could it be for some of the same reasons teens have a hard time getting through to us? One of the most common complaints from teenagers is that although they want to communicate with their parents, they are turned off by what their parents say & how they say it.
The following steps will lead us past most conversation barriers & keep us close.
Earning the right to be heard. In an interview with journalist Ann McCarroll, 15-year-old Bob said that he has "some mother!" He explained: "Each morning she sits with me while I eat breakfast. We talk about anything & everything. She isn't refined or elegant or educated. She's a terrible housekeeper. She uses double negatives. But she's interested in everything I do & she listens to me--even if she's busy or tired."
Spending time, showing interest, listening, talking about "anything & everything"--this is behaviour that wins the right to be heard.
Developing a clear purpose. We all slip up in what we say because the tongue tends to function without purpose or direction. Words fly out of our mouths without our considering their effect. The pay-off for lashing out may be a feeling of temporary relief. But at what cost? Terrible damage can be done when we speak without a clearly defined purpose.
Avoiding conversation killers. Conversations with our teens may be going along perfectly well when, without notice, they end abruptly. A "conversation killer" could be the culprit. Although sometimes disguised, these killers usually can be identified by one or more of the following characteristics: Incessant talking, contradictions, putdowns, dogmatic statements, a judgmental tone of voice, unfair generalisations, & responses that reveal one has not listened. For example:
--No, it cost $5.50, not $4.50.
--Teenagers are terrible drivers.
--When will you grow up?
Controlling our emotions. We all over-react at times, & that is not all bad. But while it is possible to pull something positive out of occasional eruptions of feelings, most of us likely would agree on the basis of experience that to maintain healthy communication with our teens, we need to control how we express our emotions.
Here are some strategies that work for most parents.
--Call "time out" when emotions get hot. When we notice that tempers are about to flare, we can say, "Let's take a break & talk more after dinner."
--Respond to frustrating behaviour in our teens with healthy action before we lose control. The longer we wait, the harder it is to respond objectively.
--Choose wisely what you will battle for. Many things just are not worth fighting about. In "Parenting Isn't for Cowards," psychologist James Dobson tells the story of a woman who told him she had a very strong-willed 12-year-old daughter. The mother said, "We have fought tooth & nail for this entire year. It has been awful! We argue nearly every night, & most of our fights are over the same issues." When Dr. Dobson asked her the cause of the conflict, she replied, "My daughter is still a little girl, but she wants to shave her legs. I feel she's too young to be doing that & she becomes so angry that she won't even talk to me. This has been the worst year of our lives together!" Dr. Dobson looked at the mother & exclaimed, "Lady, buy your daughter a razor!" (Editor: The point being not that 12-year-olds should be allowed to shave their legs as they please, but that building a relationship is sometimes more important than smaller issues.)
Investing time with our teens. According to one study, men were spending twice as much time with their children in 1980 as they did in 1960, but that merely means that they had increased their time from 6 to 12 minutes a day--12 minutes to establish understanding, to really listen!
How will we find the time in our busy schedule? The answer, of course, is that we won't "find" the time; we need to create it. Here are some helpful tips:
--Control the TV before it controls you. The A.C. Nielson Company announced that the average American TV set is on for 43 hours, 52 minutes a week. That's more than 6 hours a day.
--Prioritise your activity schedule. In our fast-paced living, it is possible to have our time eaten away by activities that "demand" our time, but are not really significant to us. It may be helpful to list our activities on paper, including time spent with our teens, & organise them according to their importance to us. Then we can schedule time with our teens...fishing, shopping, going out to lunch, or just talking. I find my teen is usually ready to talk at night. All I need to do is to help get a snack, pull up a chair, & talk & listen like a friend.
--Make the most of mealtime conversation.
HOW TO LISTEN SO TEENS WILL TALK
At first thought, the whole process of listening seems rather simple. It is, after all, part of communication that we learn first & use most. (Listening takes 45% of our communication time on the average, speaking 30%, reading 16%, & writing 9%.) Yet we don't listen very well. We catch ourselves saying, "How's that again?" "What did you say your name is?" "Did you say I should turn right or left?"
One listening study reveals that after one 10-minute oral report, the average listener has heard, understood, & retained half of what was said. Within 48 hours, retention drops off another 50%, yielding a final comprehension of 25%. Fortunately, listening is a skill we can improve.
We will focus on how to make the adjustments that produce significant improvements.
"My Teen Won't Talk to Me!" Sometimes teens will talk for hours to their friends, but hardly at all to their parents. Teens do not always know how to make sense of what they are thinking & feeling. Sometimes they fear that if they try to express themselves, it will come out all wrong. They are overly sensitive to being criticised or laughed at. Their not talking then becomes a defensive pattern designed to avoid confrontation & embarrassment.
We may be part of the problem. From our survey of over 800 teenagers, I compiled a list of their common complaints. According to them, adults commonly:
--jump to conclusions
--get angry when they don't immediately comply with our wishes
--interrupt
--give the impression we are too busy to be bothered
--talk too long without giving them a chance to speak
--become preoccupied with our own thoughts & feelings
--never ask questions
--never seem to want to know what they think
--don't understand how they feel
You may find it interesting to ask your teen to be very candid & rate you on these complaints by putting a check in front of the ones that apply to you. Try not to be defensive or contradict what your teen says. Just listen.
Listening vs. hearing. One teen said, "My parents say they want me to come to them with problems, but when I do they're busy or they only half listen & keep on doing what they were doing--like shaving or make a grocery list. If a friend of theirs came over to talk, they'd stop, be polite, & listen."
These comments point to an important difference between hearing & listening. Imagine how effective listening would benefit your relationship with your teenager.
ACE Listening Skills. Here is what I call the ACE Model for achieving expertise in listening: Attending, Clarifying, Evaluating.
First, attending (paying attention) is making sure we are getting the message our teens are communicating. We need to:
--calmly look in the eyes of our teens (but don't stare)
--hear the actual words being said
--pay attention to body signals, such as sad eyes, nervous hands, & tense lips
--eliminate distractions whenever possible (i.e. turn down the volume on the TV or shut a door)
--listen to the tone of voice
Second, clarifying gets the meaning of the message. It is normal for us to interpret messages according to our experience, our mental frame of reference, but it is detrimental since our experiences are likely to be vastly different from that of our teens. To me, homework includes studying for a test. But when I asked Jud, "Do you have any homework?", he said "No" even though he had 3 tests the next day because, to Jud, studying for a test is not the same as homework that is assigned.
To clarify whether our teens mean what we think their messages mean, we can paraphrase what we hear them say ("So what you're saying is ________. Right?").
Third, evaluating is the stage where we mentally reflect on the information we have gathered & decide how we will respond. For example:
--asking for more information
--remaining silent
--expressing our feelings
--stating our opinions
--choosing our words
--selecting our tone of voice
We need to ask ourselves, "Which of the several options I have for responding to my teen will produce the most honest & effective communication?"
ACE skills generate positive responses by encouraging our teens to talk to us further.
Negative: Did you fail your test again today?
Positive: How did things go today at school?
Negative: You think that's bad? When I was young...
Positive: Tell me about it.
Negative: You're out of your mind.
Positive: That's a new idea.
Negative: You're just getting yourself worked up.
Positive: This seems important to you.
Negative: You'll get over it.
Positive: You must have felt frustrated.
Effective listeners make the ACE Model for listening a habit. They are fun to talk to, a delight to be around. Even if they are not brilliantly articulate, they know how to bring out the best in the one talking to them. I like the way someone once described this kind of listening ace:
His thoughts were slow,
His words were few, & never formed to glisten.
But he was a joy to all his friends
You should have heard him listen.
Admitting our mistakes not only to ourselves but also to our teens can break down listening barriers. For example, we can say to our teens: "In the past, I have tuned you out. I'm really sorry. Will you forgive me? I want to do much better. If there are times when you feel that I'm not listening, please let me know. I won't hold what you say against you. I really want to know." But parents can do only so much. Teens must take responsibility too.
HOW COMMUNICATION WORKS & WHAT TO DO WHEN IT DOESN'T
"Communication" comes from the Latin word "communicare," which means "to make common, to share." It refers to the process of transferring a message or meaning from one person's mind to the mind of another through such means as words, body signals & tone of voice. Actually, no real communication takes place until the other person interprets the message the way the transmitting person intends it to be understood. Only then is there a common meaning, a shared message, a meeting of the minds.
Words effective in one situation can have negative results in another. I recently overheard an argument between a father & his teenager. The boy had just come home from mowing a lawn. He was hot, sweaty & exhausted. The father was exasperated that his son had not done something asked of him. Neither was ready to be civil or listen to the other. The result was a nasty tirade of words that could not help but damage a relationship. Perhaps if the father had waited until both were more comfortable, the damage could have been prevented.
Part of the wisdom of King Solomon was his awareness of the importance of timing:
"There is a time for everything, & a season for every activity under Heaven...a time to be silent & a time to speak..."--Ecc.3:1,7.
Warning lights about the possibility of communication problems should come on when we or our teens are:
--tired
--busy with a project
--studying or reading the paper
--trying to solve some problem
--watching TV
--in the presence of friends or other people
--not feeling well physically
--depressed or moody
Watch for the warning lights mentioned above. If any of these conditions exist, you might say: "I need to discuss something with you, but I can see this is not a good time. When can we talk?"
Action Steps for Positive Communication. When you feel the relationship with your teen is strained, determine to make it stronger. Choose at least one thing you can start doing immediately to make it strong & take action on it.
If communication sometimes breaks down because of the wrong time & place, think of some creative ways to provide a setting that generates freedom of expression (taking a walk, moving to another room of the house, going out for something to eat).
RESPONDING CALMLY TO STRONG EMOTIONS
As parents, we are not well-trained to respond to strong words & feelings. We are often baffled by the intensity & the unpredictability of our teens' emotional outbursts. Perhaps just as often, we are surprised at our own responses--our angry reactions & ineffective attempts to regain control.
It is not easy to respond effectively. To reduce the number & severity of communication breakdowns & to increase understanding, we need to use a clear plan we can remember. When strong feelings are present, parents & teens need to respond CALMLY, an acronym suggesting a six-point plan.
C = Control Your Responses. When asked what happened when emotions get hot in the home, one 7th grader quipped, "Let the yelling begin!" More than 70% of the teenagers in our survey complained that their parents yell at them. Some parents admit that in the heat of the moment their feelings get the best of them. They claim that usually there is a good reason for screaming ("It's his fault!" or "she made me mad!") & that "the words just came out."
I believe we can control our emotions. Feelings are subject to thoughts & thoughts are subject to choice.
Consider the father who is snarling mad at his son. The phone rings. A very important client wants to talk with the father. What happens to the father's tone of voice? His choice of words? His raging anger? They are immediately brought under control by choice.
When we notice feelings such as anger, frustration, hurt, insecurity, bitterness, envy, or revenge, we can & must choose our words carefully.
At a parenting conference I attended, a mother announced unashamedly, "I want my daughter to know how badly I feel when she embarrasses me in public so I make a point of embarrassing her in front of her friends." If we want our relationship to be healthy & satisfying, we must avoid the vicious cycle of attack & counter-attack.
Break cycles. Any vicious cycle requires two or more people. If you know what the pattern is, you can break it by not responding as you usually would. You can't control how your teen will respond, but you do have a number of options about what you can say that can break the cycle.
--Our words & tone of voice are not coming out right. How can we say what we are feeling a better way?
--Both of us need time to cool off. Let's talk again at another time.
Delay reaction. When you are not clear about how to proceed, give yourself time to think, time to control your emotions instead of letting them control you.
A = Always stay calm. Don't fight anger with anger.
L = Listen to the Teen Perspective. What seems to frustrate teens most are the times when they think their parents are not listening to them.
Parents can be downright insensitive & teens can be completely unreasonable, but unless we fully hear each other's perspective on an issue, we may very well argue about something of no consequence or something we really do agree upon!
I have often wondered how many painful arguments could be avoided if only we made the effort to see how things look from the other's point of view. If we listen well enough to see our teens' perspective, the chances are great that they will reciprocate by listening to our point of view.
Strategies--
a) Understand feelings. When emotions are high, focus your attention on understanding the feelings your teen is experiencing.
b) Ask questions. This draws out the thoughts & feelings of our teens. Perhaps it has been your experience, as it has been mine, that what you really think & feel is not clear, even to you, until you've had a chance to express yourself to a trusted friend who will hear you out, blow away the chaff, forget the silly parts, & credit you with the best of what you have been able to conclude. That is the kind of friend our teens need in us.
c) Listen. Sometimes our teens may ask our advice on certain matters, but they really want us to just listen. They want a sounding board. They want someone to whom they can entrust their thoughts & feelings. Thus, our first response to strong emotion in our teens ought to be to listen intently.
Seeing the "other side" is not easy. Issues between parents & teens are never totally black & white. Numerous shades of meaning are involved, & we must try to get as close as possible to the shade they see.
M = Motivate Reconciliation. What happens if emotions have gotten out of hand & in our anger we have said some things that have really hurt our teenagers? If the feeling of being wronged is not dealt with constructively, it plagues a relationship. It becomes a source of mistrust & friction. We need to be the first to bury the hatchet & motivate reconciliation. We need to ask the greatest healing question: "Will you forgive me for my contribution to the problem?"
Rarely is any problem between two people the fault of only one of them. Normally both contribute to the problem. The healing question, as stated above, works powerfully because both parties can say it honestly without feeling that one must bear the blame alone. When forgiveness is granted, there is an exhilarating feeling of freedom, of being able to start again, unshackled by the past.
L = Learn Verbal Self-Defense. Some teens develop a mean streak. They will say whatever is calculated to hurt. The reason for their verbal attack may range from feelings of inferiority to a perverted need for power. But whatever the cause, they can become expert at finding the tender place & making their parents squirm.
Effective verbal defense can easily be learned if we keep in mind the following principle.
--Take charge. The parent is in charge, the president of the family "firm." Quietly exercise the authority that is yours. Don't try to prove your superiority by getting into power struggles. Just assume it. It is necessary to realise internally your rightful place as a parent.
--Don't shout. Strength is shown by a firm, quiet assertiveness, not in yelling or becoming belligerent. Yelling is a sign that you have lost control. It's counter-productive.
--Model behaviour. Teens tend to do what we do, so it is important to commit ourselves to treating them as we would want to be treated.
Frustration. Teen: I'm sick & tired of you telling me what to do! I'm 16, for Heaven's sake! Get off my back!
Ineffective response
Parent: I'm sick & tired of having to tell you a hundred times to do what any responsible 16-year-old would already be doing!
Effective response
Parent: Kim, I really dislike telling you what to do, too. Yet, for this family to function smoothly, some things have to be done that are not being done. How do you suggest we solve this problem?
Y = Yield When Your Teen is Right. Suppose you & your teen had an argument & you begin to realise that your teen is right.
I remember feeling a sense of euphoria when my father would say, "Son, I think you're right" or "Paul, I guess I made a mistake." Sometimes the euphoria resulted from the feeling that I had won a personal victory, that even as a teen I had something to say that made sense, that I could talk on an adult level & make some valid points. It made me feel very good about myself. But usually the euphoria was based on more than that. It was a sense that my father had won a victory too... a victory over stubborn pride, having to prove he was always right. He was strong & secure enough to admit mistakes & I respected him for it.
PARENTAL AUTHORITY: THE ART OF SAYING NO...& YES!
"Youth today have detestable manners, flout authority, & have no respect for their elders. What kind of awful creatures will they be when they grow up?"--Socrates, 399 B.C.
In every age, parents of teens have been concerned about how to exercise their authority. Applying six principles related to parental authority will prevent us from making too many mistakes & will increase our chances of saying No & Yes effectively.
Principle 1: Make decisions based on goals. Without a standard by which to make decisions, parents are lost in confusion, inconsistency, & not knowing what to say next. Goals provide parents a reference point for choosing appropriate words & actions. Goals guide our communication in the direction we want to go. I find the following goal helpful: To train my children how to make wise decisions & take full responsibility for their choices.
When we set goals for the development of our teens, it's important to talk about them with the teenagers. They need to know that we appreciate their built-in drive for independence, that we want them to become fully functioning, mature adults.
You may want to clarify (in writing) your own parental goals, especially your goal regarding the growing independence of your teen. Talk enthusiastically about it so that your teenager knows your rules & regulations are not arbitrary, unfair, or meaningless, but designed rather to bring him or her to full maturity & independence as an adult in due time.
Principle 2: Build Relationship Power. Parental authority, to be effective, must be backed by some form of power. By the teenage years, the most effective form of parental power will be centered in the relationship between the parent & the teenager.
It's a force within our teens based on respect rather than fear. It is built by listening intently, by looking at their side of the issue as well as our own, by spending time with them, by letting them know of our love for them. Relational power does not mean the absence of discipline or the refusal to apply logical consequences when necessary. It includes them. What it precludes is the need to resort to threats, insults, yelling & physical force.
Principle 3: Choose an Effective Parenting Style. Authoritative (democratic) parents combine a firm, flexible authority with a healthy amount of freedom in parenting. The authoritative parent affirms a child's unique personality & way of approaching things, but at the same time holds the child accountable to standards for behaviour, attitudes, conversation, & the quality of their relationship. Authoritative parents give their children the chance to talk over rules that they do not like or understand. As a result of talking them over, the parents may modify the rules if there is good reason to do so, but they do not just give in to whatever the child or teenager wants.
A striking illustration of the contrasting effects of parental approaches is seen in a study of the use of marijuana by college students. The findings showed high use of marijuana by students of permissive parents, medium use by students who viewed their parents as dictatorial, & low use by students who viewed their parents as democratic.
If our parenting styles have been less than effective, we can begin now to make the changes we want to make. It is important not to continually blame ourselves for the mistakes we have made. The past is over & done.
Principle 4: Discipline with Respect. Most parents would agree that teenagers still are in need of discipline, but they often confuse discipline with punishment. They are not the same. Of course discipline is preferred & should be used as much as possible. However, there are times when punishment for wrongdoing is necessary if all else fails, or if it's needed to drive a point home if the child doesn't respond. Discipline refers to words & actions that instruct, train, & correct. Discipline comes from the same root word as disciple, which means "learner." Discipline involves the positive use of parental authority to bring about desired change.
Principle 5: Say "No" Calmly. "OK," you say, "I'll try again. But how do I stay calm when I have to say No to my teen & my teen starts yelling at me? How do I stay calm when everything around me is in a state of chaos & I am made to feel that I'm the reason everyone is upset?"
Use the "No Sandwich": Say no when necessary, but sandwich it between two cushioning statements that help to soften the blow of a negative response.
For example:
1. I know that you want me to agree with you.
2. But I see the issue from a different point of view.
3. I acknowledge your right to your point of view & I hope you will acknowledge the same right for me.
+ + +
1. I understand that you want to go to the party at Pete's house.
2. But the answer is No because we both know there have been drugs at other parties Pete has had.
3. I would be happy for you to have a party for your friends at our house. I am willing to help you prepare the food if you want me to.
+ + +
Try the "Broken Record" Technique. If you have tried the "no sandwich" & your teen persists in trying to control you or get you to change your mind, you can stay relaxed & simply repeat No or a one-sentence refusal in a calm but firm voice until the message gets through. For example, you could repeat, "My decision is that for the reasons I stated, you cannot go to the party." Don't use sarcasm or a disgusted tone of voice.
Deal with Principle, Not Pressure. Your principles, values, or goals help you know when to say No & when to say Yes. It may take some time & effort to clarify them in your own mind. But once you have established them, it is relatively easy to say No (or Yes) on the basis of your principles. Do not yield to pressure. If you do, you will teach your teen to keep on exerting pressure in greater amounts until you give in.
Practice Calm Responses. It could take a lot of practice because your teen might be "programmed" to respond only when you are angry. You will need to tell your teen that you are changing your style of responding. Explain why. Say that it will be a mistake to interpret your calmness as a lack of commitment or as indecisiveness. Enlist your teen's cooperation if possible. Then practice the variety of ways a calm No can be expressed.
"I know this is important to you & I would like to say Yes to you if I could, but I can't. The answer is No."
"It might be true that all the other boys your age are drinking. But you're not `all the other boys.' You are you. And you are my son. For the reasons we discussed, the answer is No."
"I am willing to negotiate with you whenever I can. But this is not one of those times. I'm afraid the answer is No."
Principle 6: Affirm Your Teen. Saying No must never become a habit. Whenever possible, we need to affirm our teens with votes of confidence, with a willingness to let them try their wings & sometimes fail.
My wife & I say Yes to anything that will help build healthy self-esteem in our children. We want them to be psychologically strong, to believe that they have inherent worth & dignity no matter whatever anyone else may tell them. We want them to believe that they can do their work well & that they have the capacity to achieve their own worthwhile personal goals.
Action Steps for Positive Communication.
1. Think about what your real goal is for the development of your teenager. Then write it down. Revise it until you are satisfied that it represents the direction you want to go as a parent. Complete the sentence: My goal is to:
2. List 3 things you will do this week to build the relationship you have with your teen (i.e. spend time together, go shopping, or go out for a hamburger together).
a.
b.
c.
HOW TEMPERAMENT INFLUENCES COMMUNICATION
Accept the differences in temperaments. Although you & your teen might have similar temperaments, the chances are good that you might not. That's OK. Beware of putting your teen in a box, of categorising him or her in ways that don't allow the expression of distinguishing traits. Unless we realise that differences in temperaments are legitimate, we may fall into the trap of wanting our teens to be carbon copies of ourselves. Our teens need to be accepted as individuals. Acceptance will make them feel more at ease, less defensive, & more accepting of the character traits they might not like in us.
Beware of selective perception. Temperaments can cause us to view our teens through filters that block out a realistic picture. School teachers & police officers complain that some parents refuse to see or believe negative behaviour patterns in their teenagers. It's always somebody else's fault--not their teen's. But temperament filters can also prevent us from seeing strengths in our teens. If you are pragmatic & your teen is amiable, you may not fully appreciate the value of your teen's ability to establish strong friendships. When we understand the strengths inherent in our teens' temperaments, we can relate to their strengths & draw out the best in them.
Practice open communication. Conflicts arise when misunderstanding is not dealt with properly. Open communication gets to the heart of issues. It is not defensive. It makes us unafraid to risk the fact that our teens might not like what we say. Open communication is being honest, straightforward, truthful.
The Need for Parental Teamwork. First, agree on basic parenting principles. If we sense an important disagreement with each other developing in front of the children, we tell them that Mom & Dad need to talk over the matter & then we will discuss it with them or give them our decision. This is not dishonest; it's smart. Undermining each other's authority would be the first step toward loss of parental control. It would give a message to the children that they can take sides, that they can "divide & conquer." In the matter of parenting our children, it's more important to be unified than it is to be "right."
Second, compensate for your spouse's weaknesses. If my wife & I were both alike, one of us would be unnecessary. But I need her help & she needs mine. Because of that fact, we both fight against any tendency to criticise the other because we know by experience that road leads to nowhere. Instead we try to compensate for each other's weaknesses, to fill in the gaps.
Third, draw out the spouse's strengths. To change negative habits of personality & communication, most of us need help. Few are in a better position to help us than our spouses. When they focus their attention on the best in us, they set in motion the law of positive reinforcement. That is, when we are supported in an area of strength, we are encouraged to make the effort & take the time necessary to build upon that strength, to increase its frequency, to try again when we fail. Happily, it works that way for our spouses, too.
RESOLVING CONFLICT
State your views calmly. Begin by saying, "I think..." or "The way I see it..." & then calmly & briefly state your opinion. The objective here is to help teens see our point of view as well as their own, & to persuade them to work with us in solving the problem.
"I think that our getting-off-to-school routine is not working. Somehow we have to stop the yelling & last-minute panic. Neither of us likes it when the other is angry. If we start breakfast at 6:30 a.m., we can make it without undue pressure."
"The way I see it, you're not getting the sleep you need. When one feels exhausted, everything suffers: Health, personality, grades. Nothing seems to go right. I think it is reasonable to ask you to be in bed by 11 p.m. on school nights."
"Son, I want us to solve this problem together. I would like to give you an opportunity to suggest options that would be acceptable to us both."
Notice the emphasis on calmness. If calmness is not your normal reaction to discord & stress, you will have to work extra hard to establish a new pattern, but it can be done. Decide whether the old pattern of yelling & screaming is working. Is it drawing you & your teen together or forcing you apart? Does it help achieve understanding or destroy it?
Following are a few examples of how to resolve conflicts--as well as how not to:
Problem Area: Curfew
Teenager, 15: I'll be late getting home tonight. The guys are having a party at Jack's house after the game.
Discord Exchange
Parent: Not tonight. You have to be home by 11 p.m.
Teen: No way!
Parent: Don't talk back to me! You heard what I said!
Teen: You just don't understand.
Parent: I understand perfectly! The problem is that you never listen! etc...
Resolution Exchange
Parent: What do you mean by late?
Teen: About 1:00 a.m.
Parent: I hear you saying you want to stay out that late even though curfew on school nights is 11 p.m.
Teen: I know, Dad, but I hate to be the first one to leave.
Parent: I agree that it's hard to be the one to leave first. I understand that you might feel embarrassed, right?
Teen: Right.
Parent: I think that we need to remember that you've gotten to sleep late the past few nights & you've complained about being very tired. I know it will be tough, but I'd like you to be home by 11:00.
Problem Area: Chores
Teenager, 13: I'm going to Judy's house to listen to some records!
Discord Exchange
Parent: Have you done your chores? (with a negative tone of voice)
Teen: I just did!
Parent: Then please fold your clothes.
Teen: Mom, I have plans!
Parent: You can take five minutes to do that for me.
Teen: No! (muttered)
Parent: Go to your room!
Teen: (leaves, slamming door)
Resolution Exchange
Parent: Have you done your chores? (with a positive tone of voice)
Teen: What chores?
Parent: The ones we discussed this morning.
Teen: Well, some of them.
Parent: I heard you saying that you want to go to Judy's, but you haven't completed your chores as we agreed.
Teen: But it's getting late & if I don't go now there won't be any time left.
Parent: I agree that time is a factor. I understand that you might feel frustrated by so much to do & so little time to do it. Right?
Teen: Very!
Parent: I think that if you had started sooner you would have been finished by now. True?
Teen: I guess so.
Parent: What you agreed to do will not take long if you hop to it. Let's get it done.
Teen: OK, Mom.
Problem Area: Music
Teenager, 17: (playing loud rock music)
Discord Exchange
Parent: I hate that music! Turn it off.
Teen: I like it!
Parent: I heard it's devilish.
Teen: It's harmless! Everybody listens to it!
Parent: I don't want you to listen to it!
Teen: Why not?
Parent: Turn it off!
Resolution Exchange
Parent: Tom, I hear some lyrics that are unacceptable.
Teen: I don't listen to the lyrics. I just like the sound.
Parent: I agree that this group has a sound that most teenagers would like.
Teen: It makes me feel good.
Parent: I understand that you might feel happy when you hear that sound. But I'm more concerned about what might be getting into your head without your knowing it. Let's listen to the lyrics together & I'll point out what I mean.
The following summarises what to aim for when we face conflict.
1. Take the time to discover & define the real problem.
2. Look for areas of agreement to reduce threat & signal a desire to resolve the conflict.
3. Listen actively to understand how the other person feels.
4. State your viewpoints calmly, but firmly.
MARRIAGE: WHO WILL I MARRY?
It sounds pretty clinical, but psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan described love well when he said, "When the satisfaction or security of another person becomes as significant to one as one's own satisfaction & security, then the state of love exists." Still, for most teens, some questions remain: "If I feel love for more than one person, how will I know which is the right one for me? If I don't have strong feelings for anyone right now, is something wrong with me? What if a friend feels strongly about me, but I don't feel as strongly about that friend? How will I know when I'm ready to marry? Who will I marry?"
Such questions are not easily decided, & many smaller decisions must be made before the big one about who can be answered.
Points to ponder about marriage.
--"Falling" in & out of love is a normal adolescent activity. Dating provides a valuable experience in interacting with several different personalities & learning about characteristics of a relationship that really matter.
--In psychological terms "like attracts like." One key ingredient in happy marriages is compatibility--similarity in areas such as faith, education, family background, interests or attitudes.
--Considerable evidence suggests that problems in marriage could be detected during the dating period. We can help our teens develop early detection skills by providing them a standard of values with which to discern behaviour & character.
--In 1870, one of every 34 marriages ended in divorce; two generations ago, one in every 12 marriages; in the last generation, one in every three; & at present, almost one out of every two marriages is dissolved (based on statistics from the last 10 to 15 years). How then do we keep our marriage from becoming one of these awful statistics?
--In a study of 3,000 families, researchers Nick Stinnett & John Defrain found six major characteristics of strong families. They
--are committed to the family
--spend time together
--have good family communication
--express appreciation to each other
--have a spiritual commitment
--are able to solve problems in a crisis
--One study surveyed couples who had been happily married for 30 years or more. The common ingredient? Good communication: The ability to listen well & express thoughts & feelings without fear of reprisal.
--Many teens are confused about the difference between love & infatuation. In response to the plea of one young woman, Ann Landers distinguished the two this way.
"Infatuation leaps into bloom. Love usually takes root & grows one day at a time. Infatuation is accompanied by a sense of uncertainty. You are stimulated & thrilled, but not really happy. You are miserable when he is absent. You can't wait until you see him again.
"Love begins with a feeling of security. You are warm with a sense of his nearness, even when he is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him near, but near or far, you know he's yours & you can wait.
"Infatuation says, 'We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him.' Love says, 'Don't rush into anything.' You are sure of one another. You can plan your future with confidence."
Door-openers to try. When your teen seems interested, share your own search for "the right one" to marry. Include the humour, the mistakes, the feelings, hopes, & dreams, but don't get carried away & talk forever.
Encourage your teen to consider what characteristics in a potential mate are important.
When your teen is in a talkative mood about marriage, ask questions or make statements in a non-threatening way that keep your teen talking, discovering, learning. You can say:
"This relationship seems really important to you."
"I sense that you are troubled by the way Ken talks to you."
"I've never seen you so excited about anyone as you are about Kimberly. She seems very special."
"You've talked about a number of characteristics you are looking for in a marriage partner. Which do you think are most important to a healthy marriage?"
Talk about your values. After thinking through what you believe is important for a happy marriage, aim for dialogue by encouraging your teen's questions & listening intently.
When it seems appropriate, pray about your children's future marriage within their hearing. Some teens never hear their parents pray for them & they miss a great source of strength & guidance. Pray for your teen & for the person your teenager will one day marry.
"Lord, I ask Your blessing not only upon my son/daughter, but also upon the one whom he/she will someday marry. Even now keep them in the center of Your Will. When they marry, grant them the grace of a life-long commitment to each other. May their love be strengthened with a growing respect. May they be ever ready to forgive & bring out the best in each other. May they keep the channels of communication open in difficult times as well as times of ease. Jesus, may their faith in You enable them to rise above their difficulties & experience the joy & happiness of life together. Amen."
MESSAGES TEENS WANT TO HEAR
In a survey I asked over 800 teenagers what they most wanted to hear from their parents. From their responses, five messages stand out.
I. "I'm proud of you." Do you remember how good it felt when your parents said, "I'm proud of you"? Maybe your parents rarely told you how proud they were & you remember how bad that felt. Maybe your parents complimented you on your appearance or accomplishments, but never actually said the words, "I'm proud of you."
Ever since we can remember, we have sought the praise of our parents & the people whom we respect. After a preschooler draws a picture, he runs to Mommy for approval. If an elementary school student makes an A on a test, he is sure to tell Mom & Dad about it because their approval is certain. A junior high school student may get an unorthodox haircut because it meets with his peers' approval. A high school student seeks approval from members of the opposite sex. But during the teenage years, parental approval is perhaps most important to a teenager because it is the key to forming an identity & building positive self-esteem.
A parent's pride should be related to a teenager's effort & ability as an individual, not compared with anyone else. If a teen tries out for football & attends every practice, it should not matter to the parent if he spends every game on the bench. "I'm proud of you," can be said any time that teenagers:
--choose to put in an extra effort to achieve a personal goal
--choose to overcome peer pressure & make their own decisions
--determine to learn from mistakes & try again
--use their natural abilities to the fullest
An "I'm proud of you" message encourages teenagers to set higher goals & fuels their desire to reach those aims. It raises self-esteem & gives confidence. Don't miss a single opportunity to say, "I'm proud of you."
II. "You can always come to me with anything & I will be there to listen." I think we would all agree that good listening is the first step to good communication. Teenagers consider this a great message because it assures them that the first & hardest step will be taken. A parent's failure to listen is a major reason teens keep things to themselves. Can you afford to miss what you may be missing?
These rules are essential to getting your teens to talk to you. They underscore the kind of listening that teenagers expect from their parents.
1. Give undivided attention. This means stop cooking, stop reading the newspaper, stop watching TV or thinking about other things & concentrate on what your teen says.
2. Do not talk when you are trying to listen. A good listener is not always talking. Empathy is sometimes best communicated by intentional silence & focused attention.
3. Do not ridicule. Teenagers have many impractical dreams or ideas, but some of them are fresh & challenging. You will not get a chance to hear them if you are notorious for criticism.
4. Listen with a willingness to understand. Simply make complete understanding of your teen a goal & strive to reach that goal.
It is also important to point out the dangerous effects of not listening. When parents do not listen, or give the impression that they are not listening, teens may infer the following negative messages from their parents.
"You are not that important to me."
"I couldn't care less about what you are interested in."
"I'd rather be somewhere else."
"I don't really love you enough to listen to you."
Of course, most parents do not mean to imply such messages, but they are easy to convey. Be aware that such inattentive listening immediately destroys conversation & tends to keep future conversations from happening.
When teens do not talk freely about their problems, parents can still indirectly help them by referring them to a third party. Before there is a problem, say to your teen, "I want you to know that I am always here to listen to you, but if you ever have something that you feel that you can't talk to me about for some reason, please talk to _______________ about it. He has agreed to keep everything you say confidential, even from me. He will try to help you the best he can if you should ever need it. OK?"
III. "I understand you" or "I want to understand". Here are 3 goals to aim for when trying to reach an understanding with your teen:
1. Let the teenager know that you understand him or her even when there is a differing of views.
2. Discover all the motives & desires behind a certain problem or request before forming an opinion.
3. Try to reverse the accusation of not "understanding" into an awareness of your empathy by expressing that your desire to understand is based on the love & concern you have for your teen.
Unfortunately, conveying understanding is complicated. Cheap understanding can backfire. If you say to your teen, "Honey, I know exactly how you feel," chances are you will get an, "Oh no you don't!" response. If you are charged with not understanding, ask your teen to help you understand. If it is a matter of disagreement, state what your teen has said to his satisfaction & then restate your views. If it is a matter of not identifying with how your teen feels, your teen will at least know that you are trying your best to understand.
IV. "I trust you." Trust develops gradually. Let's looked at an example where there is a disagreement between the parent & the teen about curfew. The teen says, "Don't you trust me?" The parent is stuck. He doesn't want to say that he does not trust his teen & yet that seems to be the case. A great response would sound something like this: "Son, I do trust your intentions, but staying out past 12 o'clock increases the temptations you face. I would not be doing my job as a parent if I allowed you to be in a situation where the temptations are greater than you can handle & so I must set a few limits."
A balance must be achieved. Some degree of trust must be given in order for that trust to be proven. Always be sure to give that second chance (not necessarily without consequences) when your teen has failed & is truly sorry.
When parents say, "I trust you," it is an especially important message for the teenager. It assures teens that they are trustworthy. They remember that message & think, "My parents trust me." It will make them want to live up to your trust. It also boosts their self-esteem & gives them the feeling that they are growing up.
V. "I love you."
I wish my dad would say, "I love you," more. I think he thinks I would be embarrassed if my friends heard him, but I definitely would not.
--Susan (17)
Love is the essential ingredient in healthy family relationships. The other four messages can never replace the need for love. Teenagers need to feel love communicated & demonstrated. How can teens be certain that they are loved if they are never told? How can teens feel certain that they are loved if their parents never spend time with them? The way to spell demonstrated love with your teenagers is T-I-M-E.
Keeping in mind what your teens most want to hear will guarantee you better communication. Express your pride in them, verbalise your willingness to listen with an open mind, state your desire to understand, assure them of your trust, & always remind them of your unconditional love!
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A woman sat by a hearthside place
Reading a book with a pleasant face,
Till a child came up with a childish frown
And pushed the book, saying, "Put it down."
Then the mother, slapping his curly head,
Said, "Troublesome child, go off to bed;
A great deal of God's Book I must know
To train you up as a child should go."
And the child went off to bed to cry
And denounce religion--by & by.
Another woman bent o'er a book
With a smile of joy & an intent look,
Till a child came up & joggled her knee,
And said of the book, "Put it down--take me."
Then the mother sighed as she stroked his head,
Saying softly, "I shall never get it read;
But I'll try by loving to learn His Will,
And His Love into my child instill."
That child went to bed without a sigh
And will love her Jesus--by & by.
--Aquilla Webb
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