QUESTIONS, QUIZZES, ACTIVITIES & SKITS
This Appendix contains scores of questions and activity ideas that you can pull from and adapt according to the needs of your situation. Some of the material is quite formal and more suited for actual marriage counselling situations; other material is more quiz-like and you might find you can adapt it for use in quiz games at parties or social gatherings, or in talk situations etc. You will find many more questionnaires, quizzes, skit ideas and marriage building activities in the many articles in "Marvellous Marriage" itself, such as:
* Husbands' Checklist; How Much Do You Know About Your Spouse? (What Every Family Needs)
* Romantic Attraction Questionnaire; Emotional Maturity Rating Form; Bessell's 50 Ways to Keep Your Lover (The Love Test)
* Marriage Quiz; 100 Ways You Can Love Your Wife Her Way; Offended Wife Checklist (If Only He Knew)
* Love Language Self-Test (How to Keep a Man in Love With You Forever)
* What's Romantic, What's Not List (How to Keep a Man in Love With You Forever)
* What's Sexy, What's Not List.(How to Keep a Man in Love With Your Forever)
* Marital Satisfaction Questionnaire (Marital Myths)
* A Marriage Check-up! (Principles For a Happy Marriage)
* Husbands--Test Your Love (Understanding The Male Temperament)
Skits are fun as well & are great to help kick off a discussion or a debate panel. Total Loving by "J", has a section about "Women Who Have Difficulty With Relationships" which could be acted out & the audience could guess from a list what character type is being acted out. In Couples you will find another few ideas for skits in the section "The Way You Say It Is Important!" and "Dealing With Resentment".
You might have the men & women present the other person's side in the debate: The men's team for example take the side of their wives & challenge the women's team to explain why they come home late from work, etc.
You will also find scores of marriage building activities in "Marvellous Marriage," everything from mood-making suggestions in Romance Rekindled, to "Things You Do" lists in 400 Creative Ways to Say I Love You or "Some Ways To Make Your Wife Feel Like That Special Woman" in The Total Man or "How To Treat a Woman In Public" in Letters To Philip, etc.
Here are some conversation-starting quiz & questionnaire ideas. You can adapt these ideas any way you like & use them in any situation that seems appropriate, both informally & in more formal counselling situations where you could make a photocopy of the quiz or section needed.
1. PRE-MARRIAGE & NEWLYWED
COUPLE'S LIFELINE SHARED EXPERIENCE
This exercise is to be filled out individually & then shared in pairs. Identify the most meaningful experiences in your life to date. The people & events which have significantly influenced you as a person.
1) What are your immediate concerns, hopes, dreams & plans?
2) Think about the future. What would you like to be doing two years from now?
Five years from now?
Share your findings with your partner.
AUCTION GAME
Borrow some play money from a Monopoly or similar game. A list of qualities of husbands & wives can be written up on a chart. Each individual is given $1,000 of play money. The qualities are sold one by one to the highest bidder. Then each one identifies the qualities in a partner which they bought, the amount paid for each, the qualities they wanted to buy but did not. Then the group suggests qualities that were not on the list.
Here's the list that can be put up in front of the group.
1) Be honest & truthful.
2) Enjoy being with people.
3) Be of the same educational background.
4) Care about me.
5) Want to have children.
6) Share household jobs & tasks.
7) Seek adventure.
8) Have the same goals in life as I.
9) Love me for the rest of my life.
10) Enjoy sex on a regular & frequent basis.
11) Be of the same religious background.
12) Be affectionate.
13) Make decisions.
14) Earn good money.
15) Be physically attractive.
16) Be even tempered.
17) Be dependable.
18) Make me feel important.
19) Be sexually faithful.
20) Want me to grow as a person.
21) Not be possessive.
22) Support my ideas.
23) Get along with my family.
24) Be open & ready to share feelings.
25) Have a sense of humour.
IDENTIFYING STRENGTHS & NEEDS
Part 1--Appreciation: Identify the strengths in your relationship. Find a comfortable place to sit facing each other. First one partner says to the other, "What I appreciate in you is...", naming three or four things. When the first partner says he or she is finished, then the other partner does the same with the first partner listening without comment. Then the couple discuss how they feel about what they've just done. Write on a card all the things you can remember which your partner said he appreciated in you. Look at each other's lists & see how well you have listened to each other.
Part 2--Needs: Identify the areas in your relationship where there is room for growth. Follow the same steps as in appreciation, except each partner will complete the sentence, "What I need from you is..." One partner says it, mentioning as many things as he feels comfortable. The other person says it. Discuss how you feel. Write on a card all the things you remember of the needs he or she expressed. Share your lists with each other.
Part 3--Change: Decide how you'll meet more of your partner's needs.Decide on one shared need which seems important & something you might be able to do to make your partner feel more fulfilled. Having selected a goal, plan how & when you will take action to meet it. Describe the change you intend to make in terms of your own behaviour. Write it down so that you may check back later when you've actually made the change.
Part 4--Action--Implementing the Change: Be intentional about doing what you've agreed to do. At the end of the week repeat Step 1 above & ask yourselves, "Are we making progress in achieving our goal?" Note: It is important that this exercise be demonstrated by a couple who have used it & found it helpful in their own relationship. Also, if there are any breaks in the exercise so that it has to be completed at a later date, Step 1 should be repeated before carrying on to step 2, 3 & 4.
TIME MANAGEMENT SUGGESTION
In a week there are 21 blocks of time--mornings, afternoons & evenings. Fill in the following chart. Give 10 of them to your prime job. Give 7 for your own recuperation & renewal including spouse & family relations. That leaves 4 blocks of time which I call flex time for giving to your community, church, political party or whatever you may choose.
COMMUNICATING ABOUT SEXUALITY
In the left-hand column number in order the 5 subjects you find most difficult to discuss freely. Place a check in the Facts & Feelings section which best indicates your knowledge & feelings.
MARRIAGE PROSPECTS: DISCUSSION TOPICS
Good Marriage Prospect--Mature Person
1) Accept self as is. Knows that it doesn't matter that he or she isn't perfect. Nobody is.
2) Can feel comfortable about revealing himself, herself, his/her thoughts & feelings--negative & positive.
3) Deals with life as it is, not as he/she wants it to be or wishes it was.
4) Is comfortable with all kinds of people.
5) Can see differences as opportunities, not threats.
6) Can learn from experience.
7) Will listen.
8) Is dependable, can be relied on in a crisis.
9) Knows something of his or her values & goals.
10) Can cooperate with others.
11) Can work well with people in authority who are over him or her.
12) Is kind to others. Likes opposite sex & treats them as equals.
13) Tends to be conventional in his/her attitude toward authority. Will obey laws & if sees a need will work to change them.
14) Can love others & be loved by others.
Poor Marriage Prospect--Immature Person:
1) Is unsure of self in social relationships. Tends to feel inferior.
2) When finds self in a superior position tends to be bossy & domineering.
3) Doesn't like taking orders.
4) Doesn't like being involved in competition.
5) Is a bad loser.
6) Tends to be negative. Complains a lot, blames others for his or her position.
7) Is against authority.
8) Makes it difficult for others to think they can trust him or her & rely on him or her.
9) Is uncomfortable in close relationships. Finds it hard to give & take.
THE NEWLYWED'S QUESTIONNAIRE--WIFE/HUSBAND
1. Your age_____How far did you go in school?________
2. How many months have you been married?_____
3. How & where did you meet your mate?_______________________________
4. Do you believe in love at first sight?_______________________________
5. Which of you was the first to know you were in love?__________________________
6. Have you been in love before?_____ If so, how many times?________
7. How does your love for your mate differ from the love you have experienced for others in the past?_______________________
8. How long did you & your partner go with each other before you were married?______________
9. Did you have a large or small wedding?_____________
10. Were you married in a religious ceremony_____, civil ceremony _____, a ceremony you wrote yourself_____, or did you elope?_____
11. Is religion a unifying factor in your relationship with your partner?___________
12. Do you & your partner like to do nearly everything together?_________
13. Do you have a number of separate interests & activities?________
14. If so, please give a few examples:_____
__________________________________
15. Does your partner have a number of separate interests & activities?___________
16. If so, please give a few examples:_____
__________________________________
17. Were you married before?______If so, how did that marriage end? (death, divorce, etc._______________________
18. Is privacy important to you? ________
19. If so, do you feel you are given enough time alone?__________
20. Approximately how many waking hours per week are spent in your partner's company? ____________________________________
21. Do you think that the husband works harder to keep love alive, the wife does, or both work equally hard at it? ______________
22. Do you feel a wife's place is in the home during the years the children are growing up?___________
23. Do you both work?______
24. If so, do you work primarily to bring in a second source of income or do you find your job fulfilling?________________________
25. If the latter, does your partner encourage you to have a career?_____________
26. Do you believe that marriage isn't complete without children?__________________
27. If so, how many children would you like to have? _________
28. What is your favorite colour?_____ Your partner's favorite colour?____________
29. Do you dress to please your partner, yourself, or your friends? _______________
30. Do you, your partner, or both make the major decisions (finances, housing, etc.)? ____________________________________
31. What did you fight about the most before marriage? ___________________
32. How did you settle those fights? ____________________________________
33. What do you disagree about the most now?________________________________
34. How do you resolve these disagreements? ____________________________
35. How would you rate your physical relationship with your partner? (check one) exciting_____ good_____ comfortable_____ OK_____ unimportant_____
36. What is your opinion of extramarital sexual experience?______________________
37. Did your parents divorce?________ If so, how old were you? ___________
38. If not, would you consider your parents' marriage a happy one?______________
39. Do you want your marriage to differ from your parents'?______ If so, in what ways?________________________
40. Would you consider yourself a romantic? _______________
41. Do the two of you have a song that is "your song"?_____________
42. Do you believe that a married person should wear a wedding ring?___________
43. What qualities do you admire most in your partner? _______________________
44. If there were one habit, mannerism or way of thinking you could change in your partner, what would that be? __________________________________________________
45. What do you consider the five most important ways a couple can keep love alive in marriage? (Write answer on back of page.)
ELEMENTS OF SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES: Discussion Topics
2. GENERAL ATTITUDES, ROLES, BACKGROUNDS
RATE YOUR MATE QUIZ
1. How often do you argue? daily, several times a week, weekly, monthly, never?
2. How often do you make love? daily, several times a week, weekly, monthly, never?
3. Are you happy with the amount of sex you are having with your mate? yes/no
4. Do you feel that your mate nags you? rarely, sometimes, frequently, always
5. Do you feel your mate appreciates you? a lot, usually, sometimes, never
6. Do you enjoy being with your children? a lot, usually, sometimes, never
7. Does your mate enjoy being with your children? a lot, usually, sometimes, never
8. Do you think that your mate is sincere with you? Always, most often, sometimes, never.
9. List two habits that your mate has that you most like: _________________________ _____________________________________ and two habits that you most dislike:
____________________________________
10. Do you have quiet talks together?
frequently, occasionally, seldom, never
11. Are you happy with the way your finances are handled?
yes, most of the time, not really, no
12. How would you describe your mate in one word? _____________________
QUESTIONS A HUSBAND SHOULD TALK ABOUT WITH HIS WIFE
1. What are some of the most important things we've learned since we've been married?
2. How has marriage enriched your life? Mine?
3. Are there areas in which you feel I can be providing stronger, more consistent leadership?
4. Do you feel that I spend enough quality time with you & the children?
5. How can I be more sensitive to your needs as a woman?
6. Have you sensed areas in which we find it hard to communicate?
7. Do you feel that I'm open enough in expressing love to you & the children?
8. Next time we can get away, what would you like to do together?
9. What has happened to us in the past year to draw us closer together?
10. Have you sensed tension between us & our in-laws?
11. Do you feel that I accept you as you are--or do I pressure you to change?
12. Do you feel threatened when I disagree with you, or make a decision you don't like?
13. Do I give you a fair voice in decision-making?
14. How can we disagree on something without it turning into a big fight?
15. Do I encourage you to express yourself freely?
16. Are there habits or mannerisms in my life-style that annoy you?
17. Is there anything in our past that I've done that has caused some resentment to build up in you?
18. Do you like the general direction in which our marriage is headed?
19. What should our priorities be for: Our personal development? Our relationship? Our children? Accomplishments? Spending? Material needs? Vocational goals?
20. What would you like to see us accomplish together this next year? Five years? Before retirement? After retirement?
21. Am I patient enough with you?
22. Would you like to spend more, or less, time together with other married couples?
23. Are you being fulfilled as a person? What are some areas you want to develop? How can I help you?
24. Is there anything in our marriage which is contrary to Scriptural teaching?
25. What are some of the barriers to our communication which we can start to remove?
26. How can we encourage each other more?
RATING YOUR PARTNERSHIP
A happy marriage is a prize obtained with not a little effort & personal sacrifice. Healthy relationships in marriage do not just happen. Relationships are under constant external pressure, we cannot overestimate the importance of monitoring their direction, their growth, & the stresses that threaten their vitality.
Life is always changing. Feelings, events, & interests rise up like waves. Some recede & come again. Some are washed away forever. We are never exactly the same people we were yesterday. Nor are we now who we will be tomorrow. Marriages are like that. When a man & a woman marry, they create a new being, a dual being, composed of two ever-changing individuals.
After you have gone over the questions, be sure to discuss them with each other. The areas where you differ significantly in your view of your marriage, or the areas where you both agree that improvement is needed, are the areas you will want to emphasise in your discussions.
Put an X by one number for each question.
1--hardly at all; 2--occasionally; 3--most of the time; 4--almost always.
1. Are we able to talk about our own thoughts, experiences & desires with each other?
1____ 2____ 3____ 4____
2. Are we aware of our own feelings & willing to communicate them to each other?
1____ 2____ 3____ 4____
3. Are we committed to one another for a lifetime of love & growing together?
1____ 2____ 3____ 4____
4. Do we handle our problems & disagreements effectively?
1____ 2____ 3____ 4____
5. Are we comfortable with the roles we have assumed in our marriage relationship?
1____ 2____ 3____ 4____
6. Are we motivated to make personal changes for the sake of each other & our marriage?
1____ 2____ 3____ 4____
7. Are we able to make large & small decisions together?
1____ 2____ 3____ 4____
8. Are we satisfied with our income & spending practices?
1____ 2____ 3____ 4____
9. Are we growing spiritually?
1____ 2____ 3____ 4____
10. Are we satisfied in our sexual relationship?
1____ 2____ 3____ 4____
11. Do we handle failure in a positive & forgiving manner?
1____ 2____ 3____ 4____
12. Do we know how to establish & work toward goals for ourselves & our marriage?
1____ 2____ 3____ 4____
MARRIAGE DISCUSSION TOPICS
1. In what areas do you feel that we are equals? Any that we are unequal?
2. How would you describe the role of a man? Of a woman?
3. How well do you feel your parents related to one another? What would you like to carry over from them? Avoid?
4. Is there any difference in our educational backgrounds that bothers you?
5. What could be some differences in our social backgrounds that might cause us conflict? Are there social habits, practices, & manners that I have that bother you? Are there some things that you feel are important that I am failing to do? (Seating you, meeting you at the door, etc.)
6. What are your ideas on integration? Would you let a child of ours marry one of another race?
7. What do you consider our areas of mutual interest? What would be interesting & fun to develop together?
8. How do you like men/women to dress? What are some suggestions you have about the way I dress?
9. Do you think economy or quality are more important?
10. What do you like to read? What areas do we have in common in reading? Do you like to read aloud together? Is this something we should work on?
11. What kind of humour do you enjoy?
12. What problem areas might we have in the way I spend money? The way you do? What would you economise on that I might not? Do you feel we can talk about these matters regularly without getting angry?
13. In your opinion, are our tastes similar or dissimilar? (In clothes, furniture, apartments, sports, reading, what we enjoy.) If not, in what areas & does it matter to us? What can we do about this? What about our taste in cars? Size of bed we should have? Pictures? Music? Books? Magazines?
14. Who should be responsible for the maintenance of the home? In what areas should there be division of responsibility? To whom?
15. What do you think about women working?
16. Who do you feel should manage the money in the home?
17. Do you like to operate on a budget?
18. What is your thinking on how much we should give of our income? What are your current areas of giving?
19. Do you like to have a savings plan? How important is it to you to save some money regularly?
20. What do you think about borrowing? From the family? From others?
21. Can we agree on a budget & each of us stick to it?
MEDITATING ON YOUR MARRIAGE
Complete the following material individually on a separate piece of paper, & then discuss your answers together.
1. Think back to before you were married...What did you think marriage would be like? Did it turn out the way you expected?
2. Did you & your spouse have different expectations for marriage? How did you discover the differences? Have you talked directly about these differences?
3. I expected marriage to change my life-style by...
4. I believe my mate expected me to be...
5. I expected my mate to be more...
6. If you were going to describe your marriage at this time with one word, what word would you use?
7. What word do you think your spouse would use to describe your marriage?
8. What benefits are you getting from your marriage relationship that you wouldn't have received if you had remained single? Be very specific.
9. What strengths do you see in your spouse? Have you ever told him or her that you are aware of these strengths & appreciate them?
10. What does your spouse do that makes you feel loved or of value?
11. What do you do that expresses your love & appreciation toward your spouse?
12. What are the strengths in your marriage? Who contributes most of these strengths, you or your spouse?
13. What do you feel is the weakest area in your marriage?
14. In what ways might you be responsible for this weak area?
15. What efforts are you now making to make your marriage a happy one?
16. What efforts do you see your spouse making?
17. What are your present goals for your marriage? What are you going to do to reach these goals? What can you do different that will enable you to reach them?
Here are some suggestions to consider:
--I will show more of an interest in my spouse's activities by asking questions.
--I will spend more time thinking about positive factors in my marriage relationship & attempt to discover ways to be what my spouse wants & needs.
--I will take time to pray for & with my family, especially my spouse.
--If I have any resentments against the family members--& particularly my spouse--I will forgive them now.
Other goals I want to set:
PERSONAL REFLECTIONS FOR WIVES
1. Why is a wife so important to her husband? (See Genesis 2:18)
2. Have you considered the commitment of truly helping your husband learn how he offends you and also helping him become free from whatever causes him to be offensive?
3. Forgiveness is a lifelong process (Matt. 18:21, 22). How many times do we forgive others?
4. List specific ways you differ from your husband in building relationships:
with each other
with your children
with relatives
with friends
5. Write out ten gentle phrases you could use during irritating times with your mate, such as those times when he uses your shaver or promises to run an errand but forgets. Remember Proverbs 15:1
6. List four of your current needs or concerns that you would like your husband to understand more fully. (For example: a material need, your feeling about someone, an activity you would like to do with him, or a "hurt" that you want him to understand.)
Example
* My feelings about his mother
* My fear of moving again.
* My need for understanding instead of lectures
* My need for more companionship with him
7. List five areas that are of very high interest to your husband. (For example: Hobbies, business projects, career and related interests, religious concerns, friends, sports, TV programs.)
Example:
* Success in business
* Sexual fulfillment
* Concern for the total welfare of the children
* Acceptance among the men at his office
* Relationship with God
8. Write down at least two statements or questions that would create curiosity about one of your four concerns or needs. Try to relate it to one of his five areas of high interest.
Example:
* Do you know what psychologists say is the greatest determining factor in the emotional stability of a child?
* If you and I would decide to work on this together, not only would our children gain emotional stability, but I would probably develop a stronger sexual desire just by being around you.
9. Why was the Proverbs 31 woman so honored by her husband? Proverbs 31:10-31. List ten inner qualities of this woman.
10. Using 1 Peter 3:1-6:
a. Write out your own definitions of admirable qualities, and
b. Design one practical application for showing gratefulness this week. See also 1 Thessalonians 5:18
11. Read several chapters of Proverbs and notice the number of times Scripture encourages us to seek correction from others and why we should seek it. For example, try chapters 1, 12, and 13.
12. Memorise Ephesians 4:29. List the words you can use to build up (edify) your husband. Then list the words that tear him down so you can avoid these. What comes out of our mouths should encourage and lift another.
PERSONAL REFLECTIONS FOR HUSBANDS
1. What two main responsibilities are required of every husband? 1 Peter 3:7.
2. What is the Biblical requirement to love and what do these verses have in common?: John 15:13; 1 Corinthians 13:5; Philippians 2:3-8.
3. What do we gain from loving others? John 15:11; Galatians 5:13-14; Ephesians 3:19-20.
4. Who did Jesus say would be the greatest in His kingdom? Matthew 20:25-28.
5. If we desire to renew our minds and to think like Christ, we need to consider these:
a. What were His thoughts? Phil. 2:5-8.
b.What were Paul's thoughts on the same subject? Phil. 2:17, 22,25.
6. If a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, how does Christ love the church? Eph.5:25-27, 29.
7. What is the basic meaning of the word "honor"? 1 Peter 3:7.
8. How can your emotional feelings for your mate grow? Matthew 6:21
9. Is it natural to be comforting and gentle during tension or a crisis? Col. 3:8-14; 4:6
10. Do you understand your wife's needs during a crisis? 1 Peter 3:7. Write out her response to this question, too.
11.What should we do if our mates offend us? Luke 17:3-4.
12.What attitude should we have when we rebuke an offender? Gal. 6:1; Prov. 15:1
13. How do we develop a general positive attitude? 1 Thes. 5:16-18; Romans 8:28; James 1:2-3; Heb. 12:11,15
14. What does praising God show us about our relationship with Him? Psalm 100:4
15. How can a husband become a wise man and increase his love for his wife? Proverbs 9:8-9
16. What are the consequences of not listening or listening to God's reproofs? Proverbs 1:22-33.
17. How does Paul encourage Christians to treat each other? How do you treat your wife? 1 Thess. 5:11,14
18. Is a husband instructed to submit to his wife (Eph. 5:21)?
19. Since a husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, it is essential that we know how Christ loves. What can we learn about Him from Matthew 20:25-28?
20. Write out a simple definition of submission. Consider Romans 12:10
21. How can Paul's example of discipleship in 1 Thess. 2:7-11 be applied to a family relationship?
22. List the changes you desire in your wife and then write out your own projects to become her example. Romans 15:18; 2:1-2
23. How does the secret of prayer relate to becoming a more consistently loving husband? Luke 11:5-8--the secret is in verse 8.
24. How many times should a husband forgive his wife and keep trying to build a loving marriage? Matthew 18:21-22.
RATE YOUR MENTAL RUTS: MARRIAGE "MIND-SET"
If you have negative thoughts, & give into them without countering & evaluating them, the results will be negative. Consider the examples of thinking errors listed below which we either consciously conjure up or which jump into our mind. Think about the following "mind-set" mistakes & write down any examples that come to mind that you may need to overcome.
1. Personalising--Thinking that all situations & events revolve around you. "Everyone at my spouse's business party thought I looked out of place."
2. Magnifying--Blowing negative events out of proportion. "This is the worst thing that could have happened to me."
3. Minimising--Glossing over the positive factors. Overlooking the fact that everything went well, such as hosting a successful dinner. This could include explaining away or discounting a compliment.
4. Either/or thinking--"Either I'm a successful spouse or a total failure."
5. Taking events out of context--After a delightful day with your spouse, focusing on one or two rough spots. "The day was really a loss because of..."
6. Jumping to conclusions--"My spouse isn't paying me as much attention. His/her love for me is fading."
7. Over-generalising--"I never can please him/her. I constantly blow it as a married partner." Or "He/she can never do anything right. He/she will always be this way."
8. Self-blame--Blaming the total self rather than specific behaviours that can be changed. "I'm no good as a marriage partner."
9. Historical.--"My marriage is all messed up because of my lousy past."
10. Mind reading--"My spouse thinks I'm unattractive & fat."
11. Comparing--Comparing yourself with someone else & ignoring all of the basic differences between the two of you. "My husband is much smarter than I am."
ROLE EXPECTATIONS
Many Christians have adamantly rejected the traditional view that the husband is the "head of the home." Others have just as adamantly rejected the more contemporary view that husband & wife are equal with no standard role differences.
Answer the following questions & then discuss your role expectations together.
Before you were married, how would you have defined the role of a wife? Of a husband?
How would you define your own role in your marriage?
Describe the family in which you grew up. Was one person usually in charge? Were husband/wife roles clearly defined? If so, what were they?
As you have observed your own parents as role models, have you reacted against their example or have you tried to imitate it?
Read Ephesians 5:21-33. Suggest 3 or 4 ways you can apply this passage to your own marriage.
For the husband: In what ways are you seeking to love your wife as Christ loved the church? For the wife: In what ways are you seeking to respect your husband?
List the activities that you & your spouse perform for the marriage (things like budgeting, home repairs, cleaning, cooking, income tax, shopping, car maintenance.
What does your spouse expect from you that is most difficult to give?
Are you happy with your role in your marriage? What do you like best about it? What would you like to change?
RATE YOUR ROLE IN MARRIAGE
1. There is a lack of male leadership in many homes because the husband becomes engrossed in his career & making money & neglects his other responsibilities. From what you have experienced & seen, do you agree?
2. List some responsibilities you think husbands tend to neglect because of their involvement in their career.
3. State what "...making allowances because you love one another" means to you in regard to your spouse:
4. Write down what you think your mate believes about each of these subjects:
a. The role of the husband
b. The role of the father
c. The role of the wife
d. The role of the mother
e. Male & female tasks in the home
f. Politics
g. Women's lib
h. Sex
i. The importance of a creative outlet for the husband & wife
j. Recreation together as a couple/family
(Compare notes & discuss what you assumed & what is actual fact.)
5. Do you agree or disagree that...
* It was God's idea that a wife should immediately give up everything to go with her husband.
a. Agree strongly
b. Agree with reservations
c. Disagree strongly
d. Disagree with reservations
* It is all right for an obedient wife to instruct & give advice to her husband.
a. Agree strongly
b. Agree with reservations
c. Disagree strongly
d. Disagree with reservations
* A wife has the right to disobey her husband when she feels he is dictating to her.
a. Agree strongly
b. Agree with reservations
c. Disagree strongly
d. Disagree with reservations
* Since the wife is assigned the subordinate position in marriage, she is not on an equal basis with man.
a. Agree strongly
b. Agree with reservations
c. Disagree strongly
d. Disagree with reservations
* The wife is to be regarded as the one who does the cooking, washing, training of the children, & at the same time she is to be a "helpmeet" to her husband.
a. Agree strongly
b. Agree with reservations
c. Disagree strongly
d. Disagree with reservations
Now, rewrite on another sheet each of the above statements to indicate your own belief & convictions.
6. How do you feel about who makes the decisions in your family?
a. I feel comfortable about who makes the decisions.
b. I don't like to make decisions.
c. I feel I make too many decisions.
d. I feel that I don't make enough decisions.
e. I am reluctant to give up making any of the decisions I now make.
f. Decisions? What decisions?
7. Wives, circle the feelings that are a part of you:
a. I listen to my husband comfortably.
Always Sometimes Seldom Never
b. I wish my husband would listen more to my ideas.
Always Sometimes Seldom Never
c. I really have the best understanding of how to handle discipline with the children.
Always Sometimes Seldom Never
d. I think it's important to let my husband feel he's the leader even if I do most of the planning.
Always Sometimes Seldom Never
e. Wives today should not be expected to actually obey their husbands.
Always Sometimes Seldom Never
f. I enjoy knowing that my husband is the leader in our family; it makes me feel safe.
Always Sometimes Seldom Never
g. I wish my husband would help me more with handling the money.
Always Sometimes Seldom Never
8. Husbands, check the feelings that are a part of you:
a. I listen to my wife comfortably.
Always Sometimes Seldom Never
b. My wife has outlandish ideas.
Always Sometimes Seldom Never
c. I wish my wife would listen more to me & my ideas.
Always Sometimes Seldom Never
d. I am afraid that my role of disciplinarian makes me the "bad guy" in the eyes of my children.
Always Sometimes Seldom Never
e. I'd rather not talk about who's the leader in our home.
Always Sometimes Seldom Never
f. Some tasks around the house are definitely feminine, others definitely masculine.
Always Sometimes Seldom Never
DEFINING YOUR VALUE SYSTEM
Go through the list of values given below & list the 10 that are most important to you. This list is given merely as a starting point; feel free to add others. Your partner will want to complete this exercise too.
1. Loyalty: Maintaining important connections & commitments.
2. Independence: Having freedom of thought & action
3. Education: Continued growth in knowledge & skills
4. Recognition: Receiving recognition for achievements
5. Emotional well-being: Solving emotional problems & maintaining self-esteem
6. Spiritual well-being: Living according to my spiritual beliefs
7. Physical well-being: Taking good care of my body
8. Sexual fulfillment: Feeling good about myself sexually
9. Quality marriage/relationship: A marriage relationship that is a source of love & fulfillment
10. Love: To love & be loved
11. Success & achievement: Being able to do things really well
12. Pleasure/joy: Enjoying the joy & pleasures in my life
13. Family: Maintaining family traditions & background
14. Parenthood: Having & taking care of children as a source of fulfillment
15. Aesthetics: Having beauty in my surroundings
16. Acceptance: Being accepted by people who are important to me
17. Uniqueness: Being my own, unique creative self
18. Sports & hobbies: Having recreational activities I enjoy
19. Openness: Being open & truthful with the people I love
20. Career/work: Having a job/career/vocation that is fulfilling
21. Financial security: Being secure today, building financial resources for the future
22. Integrity: Living by ethical standards
23. Prestige: Having status in my community
24. __________
25. __________
26. __________
Now rework your list so that your values are placed in order of priority from 1-10. You must make a decision about which is the most important, which is next in importance, & so on, right down to number 10.
Establishing your priorities is an exercise in making your commitments visible. Living according to your values makes the commitments tangible. Take turns with your partner describing your values & priorities to each other. Remember to listen with positive regard.
CHARACTER & HONESTY
1. Do you feel that most people are honest? Do you feel that it is really not honest to fudge a bit on income taxes, a child's age at a ticket window, about import duty?
2. Does it disturb you not to pay a bill on time? How important is it to you to have a good credit rating with everyone?
3. Do you regularly violate any traffic regulations? Which ones?
4. Do you feel I often exaggerate? Does this bother you?
5. How do you feel about keeping promises? About playing "tricks" on people?
BEING COMMITTED
We do not know of anyone who decided to get married in order to be unhappy. We have seen couples put their marriages on the shelf until the new house is built, the Ph.D. is earned, or the baby is weaned. Our society encourages this. We can easily be led to believe that achievement in a certain area is more important than anything else. A marriage does not grow without a commitment to invest time, emotional energy & practical expression of love into its daily existence.
Paderewski, the famous pianist, reportedly commented, "If I don't practice for a day, I notice it. If I miss two days, my critics notice it. If I miss three days, the world will know it." May we have the same urgency to communicate our love for our partners each day.
1) Write down (in order) the three top priorities in your life.
Write down what you think are your spouse's three top priorities.
Are you satisfied with the attention you & your spouse give to your marriage?
2) There are many ways of showing commitment. What has your spouse done recently that has convinced you that he or she is committed to you?
What have you done as an expression of your commitment to your spouse?
3) Have there ever been times when you wondered if your spouse was really committed to you & to your marriage? If so, when? What triggered your concern? What did (or might have) helped you in situations like this?
4) Think of how you & your spouse spend time in an average week. Which activities enhance your commitment to one another? What activities hinder your commitment?
SETTING GOALS
Goal setting is important in a marriage for three reasons; goals help you use your time wisely; goals give you feedback; & goals help you discern what you are really motivated to do.
Fill out these goals (adding more objectives if you need to) & then discuss them together using the questions that follow.
1) Individual Goals. Consider: Personal health & development, spiritual growth, employment, homemaking, opportunities for service or ministry, education, & other areas of personal importance.
* Define Goal:
* Plan of Action:
2) Couple Goals. Consider: Communication, finances, sex, spiritual development, social life, mutual service or ministry, fun, extended family, hospitality, & so on.
* Define Goal:
* Plan of Action:
3) What goal of your own is most important to you? What can your spouse do to help you meet that goal?
4) How do you feel about your spouse's goals? Are they realistic? Do you think they will be satisfying to him or her?
5) Are you in agreement about your goals as a couple? Are there any you are hesitant about? What are you most excited about seeing accomplished?
3. COMMUNICATION & UNDERSTANDING
OPENING THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION
Set aside some time when the two of you can relax & be alone together without the possibility of any outside distractions. Do not use alcohol while doing this activity. You might put some soft, relaxing music on low volume. Sit opposite each other; decide who is going to start completing the sentences. Remember to listen & breathe. You may wish to record the conversation.
Take turns completing the following sentences. Say whatever comes to your mind.
The first time we met I thought you ____________________________________
I was initially attracted to you because ____________________________________
One way in which I think we are alike is ____________________________________
One way in which I think we are different is ________________________
Right now I'm feeling ________________
I get angry at you when _____________ .
Some of my needs that I am not fulfilling are _______________
In the last year I _______________
I assume you know that___________ .
I get annoyed when I see you _____________.
One of the ways I try to control you is ____
When we have a serious discussion I ____.
Right now I'm feeling _______
When I don't want to answer your questions, I ____________________.
Something I am usually reluctant to discuss with you is _______________
I feel inferior to you when _____
To keep from being hurt by you I _____
I become most defensive when I think you _____________________________
When we fight I feel _______
I think you do not give me a chance to __________________________
When I want to spite you, I _____
I feel closest to you when _______
A source of pain for me in this relationship is _____________________________.
The kind of relationship I want to develop with you is________________________.
In regard to this relationship, one thing I want you to do differently is_____________.
I hope that we can _____
COMMUNICATION & LISTENING QUESTIONS & QUIZZES
1. My definition of communication is...
2. Here are three questions to help you think about yourself as a communicator.
* Is communicating with your spouse difficult for you?
Often Sometimes Almost never
* Does your mate seem to have difficulty understanding what you mean?
Often Sometimes Almost never
* What do you think your mate would say about your ability to communicate?
Great So-so Impossible
3. As your mate talks to you, do you find it difficult to keep your mind from wandering to other things? Yes No Sometimes
4. When your mate talks, do you go beyond the facts being discussed & try to sense how he or she is feeling about the matter?
Yes No Sometimes
5. Do certain things or phrases your mate says prejudice you so that you cannot objectively listen to what is being said?
Yes No Sometimes
6. When you are puzzled or annoyed by what your mate says, do you try to get the question straightened out as soon as possible?
Yes No Sometimes
7. If you feel it would take too much time & effort to understand something, do you go out of your way to avoid hearing about it?
Yes No Sometimes
8. When your mate talks to you do you try to make him or her think you are paying attention when you are not?
Yes No Sometimes
9. When you are listening to the other person are you easily distracted by outside sights & sounds (such as the TV set)?
Yes No Sometimes
10. Circle the phrase that you feel describes the quality of communication in your marriage:
a. needs no improvement
b. highly effective
c. satisfactory
d. inconsistent
e. superficial
f. frustrating
g. highly inadequate
Now go back & underline the phrase which you think your spouse would choose.
11. On a separate paper, list three things you can do to improve communication between yourself & your spouse. "I plan to improve our communication by: _________
I will start doing these three things (date)_____________(time)_________"
12. Which reason for not communicating applies to you?
a. can't talk to others
b. afraid to expose thoughts
c. feel "why bother?"
d. ideas not worthwhile
13. Which reason for not communicating applies to your mate?
a. can't talk to others
b. afraid to expose thoughts
c. feel "why bother?"
d. ideas not worthwhile
14. Maybe you have another reason for not wanting to communicate. If so, describe it in ten words or less.
15. List ways that you protect yourself or cut yourself off from communicating with your mate. Your list may include things like: Reading at mealtime; ironing or doing some task that gives me a degree or privacy; turning on TV rather than continue a conversation; taking a bath so your mate will be asleep when you go to bed; etc., etc. At the end of the week decide which barriers you want to "tear down."
16. Circle how you tend to respond when controversy arises:
talk incessantly clam up
17. List several reasons you think a person might choose to be silent:
18. When would it be best for you to be silent? Why?
19. Will your silence solve the problem or improve communication in the long run?
20. Write down several things you can do to encourage a silent mate to be more expressive.
21. List several ways you can express anger without hurting yourself or others.
22. State the way in which you wish your mate would let you know he or she is angry.
23. How can you let your spouse know that you would prefer that his or her anger be communicated differently?
24. Look back over your answers. Do they give you clues for improving your communication & listening attitudes & skills? Plan a time when you can spend some time with your husband or wife in a relaxed situation (when the children are asleep or with a sitter, for example). It should be a time when you are not in a hurry, a time you can enjoy. Perhaps you will want to take a walk, read aloud to each other or share a snack or just talk about hopes & plans for the future.
25. During the next few days try this experiment. Spend thirty minutes alone with your spouse & set aside everything else. First the wife has five minutes in which she will talk about anything she wants to. During that five minutes the husband must listen, he cannot talk & he must try to think of nothing except what his wife is saying to him. He should not try to daydream or think of what he would like to say in return. At the end of five minutes, switch roles. Now the husband talks & the wife listens. Switch back & forth every five minutes so that each spouse has at least three opportunities to talk & three opportunities to listen. At the end of thirty minutes, discuss your reactions & thoughts concerning this kind of activity. How can you apply this experience to your usual pattern of communicating?
RELATIONSHIP SKILLS: A SELF-CHECK
Step 1: Listed below are the 10 basic skills that are needed to establish a satisfying, loving relationship. Read over each of them carefully before you rate yourself. Make sure you understand each one.
Step 2: Working on your own, rate your level of skill development. Go through the list & circle one of the numbers under each skill described, as you see yourself.
Step 3: When you have finished, talk with your partner about the thoughts & feelings you had as you completed the checklist. Which skills do you need to develop? How can you work on these skills in your relationship today? Which skills have you already developed well?
1. Focus: When we are talking together, I focus my attention on you & what you are saying. I take the time to set everything else aside in order to hear you.
Rarely Sometimes Often
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
2. Responsibility: I recognise my thoughts, feelings, & opinions as my own, not the truth. I show this in statements that begin with "I." For example: "I think...," "I feel...," "I like..." rather than "You should...," "You make me feel...," "You never give me..."
Rarely Sometimes Often
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
3. Directness: I let you know in a straightforward way what I think & feel, even if it may result in conflict. I ask for what I want. I avoid sarcasm, teasing, lecturing, or distraction.
Rarely Sometimes Often
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
4. Listening: I listen carefully when you are talking. I listen to your words & feelings. I ask for clarification if I don't understand. I suspend my judgments. I seldom interrupt you.
Rarely Sometimes Often
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
5. Understanding: I let you know what I think you are saying & feeling. I respond by acknowledging your thoughts & feelings. I don't assume before hand that I know what you think & feel.
Rarely Sometimes Often
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
6. Positive regard: I respect you as a person & show this to you. I appreciate your uniqueness in ideas, feelings, & experiences. I show you that I want you to be all you can be.
Rarely Sometimes Often
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
7. Self-disclosure: I openly express what I think, feel, & want. I tell you my fantasies. I can talk about my strengths & weaknesses, even those that might embarrass me. I let you know what is really happening with me.
Rarely Sometimes Often
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8. Immediacy: I tell you, on a day-to-day basis, what I think & feel about the way we relate. I tell you what I like & don't like about how we relate. I want you to do this too.
Rarely Sometimes Often
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
9. Realism: I recognise you have your own thoughts, feelings, & attitudes. I can disagree without trying to change you or your viewpoint. I accept our differences.
Rarely Sometimes Often
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
10. Goodwill/respect: I say what I think, feel, & want without trying to intimidate or manipulate you. I care about you & your priorities as much as my own. I want you to be assertive even if we disagree.
Rarely Sometimes Often
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS FOR BETTER COMMUNICATION
The following questions can be used to gain knowledge of each other whether as an engaged couple, as a newly married husband & wife, or even as "old married folk."
1. On a scale from 1-100 (with 100 being high), how would you rate me as a communicator? What, in your opinion, would help me be a more effective communicator with you?
2. How free do you feel to share with me your fears, feelings, superstitions, opinions? What do I do that might make you afraid to share these with me?
3. What words, manners of speech, phrases, kinds of voices annoy you?
4. In what areas do you feel we may not be completely honest with each other, & how can we remedy this?
5. What, in your opinion, is the difference between argument & discussion? Am I more likely to argue or discuss with you? With other people?
6. How soon & in what way should we handle small problems that come up daily?
7. How do you feel when I make a suggestion for change? How can I better make these suggestions? (Or can I?)
8. Does it bother you when I ask, "What do you mean?" If so, why?
9. What do you think about reading books together & discussing the ideas presented?
10. When & on what subjects do you feel I can be stubborn & resisting to your point of view? How can we remedy this?
11. Do you feel generally that I am thinking with you or disagreeing?
12. Can you share ideas with me freely with the feeling that I will understand you? Do you think I face facts realistically?
13. Do you feel our silent communication is good? In other words, can you tell what I am thinking (by expression, nods, gestures, or just thought waves) in a group or just the two of us when we don't say anything? How could we improve on this "language without words"?
COMMUNICATIONS TEST
Insert your spouse's name in the blank space below. Write the numbers from 1 to 32 on a separate paper & answer the questions as you think your spouse sees you. The husband and wife should each answer separately. Then, take an hour together to talk about the answers.
Does ____________ think you:
1. Are considerate of other's feelings?
2. Allow money or things to spoil human relationships?
3. Share how much you need him/her?
4. Read enough on the subject of husband/wife relations?
5. Endeavour to make your sexual relationships more sensitive & meaningful?
6. Talk excessively?
7. Do not share enough inner feelings?
8. Use too many words or phrases that are too easily misunderstood?
9. Have an overly critical attitude?
10. Have too much tendency to speak for the other person?
11. Have a tendency to interrupt?
12. Use too many words that belittle others?
13. Change the subject too often when the subject gets too uncomfortable for you? Or does he/she think you won't even bring it up?
14. Nag too often?
15. Have trouble looking others in the eye?
16. Choose "peace" over sharing honest feelings?
17. Make too many excuses?
18. Clam up too often?
19. Watch too much TV?
20. Read too much when home?
21. Are "off somewhere" (daydreaming) when he/she is talking to you?
22. Are sensitive when he/she is discouraged, troubled, or hurt?
23. Are complimentary often enough?
24. Criticise him/her too often?
25. Are sarcastic too often?
26. Honestly try to see another person's point of view?
27. Honestly enjoy listening to another's point of view?
28. Monopolise the conversation?
29. Encourage others to share their thoughts & feelings?
30. Speak the truth in a loving manner?
31. Get too upset when others disagree with you?
32. Share so little of yourself that others cannot get to know you?
TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU
By far the most important ingredient is a willingness to risk self-disclosure & to sacrifice self to truly listen to another. If others cannot fully know us, they cannot fully love us. Spouses who feel unloved may be thwarting love by not sharing the truth about their own thoughts & feelings.
One writer calls it leveling when we tell the truth about what we are experiencing inside. To level means that you give your partner information about yourself so that you both may benefit from it. Even if the information is negative, it is important information which both partners need to know, if intimacy is to develop.
Leveling should be a way of life for the intimate couple. It does not mean saving up all your negative feelings & blasting your partner in one grand act of leveling. And it does not mean saying harmful, destructive things any time they come to mind. We are to speak the truth in love.
As you answer the following questions, privately & together, do your best to tell the truth about yourself. If you do not know the truth, write down whatever you do know & try to explore the question further with your spouse.
1) Think of a situation when your spouse shared information about himself or herself which helped you love him or her more. Why was that information helpful?
2) Think of a recent situation when you did not tell your spouse what you were experiencing or needing. What kept you from sharing? What was the result?
3) In what areas of your life are you most afraid to tell the truth about yourself?
When you do not level with your spouse, what do you do instead?
How does it feel when you do not tell the truth about yourself?
4) In what kinds of situations in your marriage do you sense that your spouse may not be telling the truth about herself or himself?
How do you feel when you sense your mate is not telling the truth?
5) What specific things (words, actions, activities) can your spouse do to help you be more honest about yourself?
DIALOGUE SKILLS
These items provide a way of reflecting on personal dialogue skills. Check the most accurate rating possible for your practice of each.
1. I often defer to another & listen on & on without asking for equal time to share.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
2. I sometimes share my thoughts, feelings & experiences at length without pausing to wait or ask for the other's view from the other side.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
3. I don't mind when someone who knows me well speaks for us both or assumes our agreement.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
4. I frequently feel I understand the other well enough to be able to answer for us on a request that includes both of us.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
5. I trust that the way I think you are is really how you are.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
6. I want to live up to the expectations & hopes that I sense others have for me.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
7. I often read people by their unintentional signals even though their words say the reverse.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
8. I have little difficulty in figuring out what people are thinking or how they are reacting to me.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
9. I find that others can get to me & make me angry or depressed no matter what I try.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
10. I feel responsible when someone important to me is angry with me.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
11. I don't feel satisfied after another has hurt me until I hear a real apology.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
12. I sometimes eat my words & feel bad about myself for having said just what I thought & felt.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
13. I have discovered that too much openness & too much honesty cause real trouble, so I work for tact & diplomacy.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
14. I do not think that friendship gives anyone the right to burden others with negative feelings that are better forgotten.
Definitely___ Probably___ Unlikely___ Never___
If your check marks fell to the upper part of the descriptions then you have come to accept or support more monologue than dialogue. If to the lower part you are working toward equal dialogue.
COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS
One of the most critical areas of communication in marriage is the area of feelings & emotions. Human beings never, ever stop needing sincere, truthful, positive feedback. Many marriages are starved emotionally because positive feelings are not expressed.
Your emotional response will match your interpretation of the situation, whether your interpretation is accurate or not.
Stored negative emotions appear at a later date when they would have no connection at all with the situation. This store of negative emotions, called a "slush fund", can poison relationships.
Sometimes all you can do is to acknowledge that you feel a certain way (hurt, angry, disappointed, like a failure) & then husband & wife together can explore the reasons for the feeling.
Say what you are experiencing rather than what you think the other person is doing. "I feel ignored," not "You don't care about me!"
Some people have hidden their emotions so successfully & for so long that they have built up large "slush funds."
Think of a recent situation when your marriage was strengthened by expressing emotion. What happened? How did you feel when you were experiencing it?
What feelings do you find most difficult to accept in yourself?
Feelings, of course, are expressed through body language & tone of voice as well as words. Using body language & voice, express the question, "Why are you looking at me like that?" in three ways: Angrily, hurtfully, & joyfully.
When recently have you depended on body language or tone of voice to express your true feelings? What happened in that situation?
Do you think your spouse finds it more difficult to express positive or negative emotions? How do you feel when you listen to your spouse express emotions?
LISTENING SKILLS
The more honest you are with yourself about what you are feeling, the freer you will be to set your feelings aside while you listen or to use them as a source of helpful information.
Do not be too quick to place a value judgement on the information your spouse is sharing. The information may be incorrect, negative or selfish. Your spouse may even know that. But the correction may come through sharing it. Don't stifle the sharing by judging. When the times comes for judgement, do it together in collaboration, not competition.
Be sure you understand exactly what your spouse is sharing by repeating it back. "I hear you saying...Is that accurate?"
Ask questions. Most of us need a lot of permission to level. If you want your spouse to be honest with you, give him or her that permission with questions. What were you thinking & feeling when such & such happened? What did you like best about that experience? What is your response when I do that? How do you like this?
UNDERSTANDING
1. What do you feel are my strengths? My weaknesses?
2. How do you think I can best help you when you are depressed?
3. How can I best encourage you? What are ways I am an encouragement to you now? What ways that I might be?
4. In what areas do you feel I don't understand you?
5. Do you feel you have a real understanding of men? Of women? Do I?
6. How do you see yourself as far as temperament type is concerned? How do you see me?
7. Do you think personalities can be changed? Should be changed?
8. What is your response to a woman crying? To a man crying? To an outburst of temper? What would you like my response to be to these?
9. Who is the most understanding person you have ever known? What about that person makes you say that?
10. Do you feel that I am quick to mention a fault or flaw in you? When I do, do you feel I mean to help? What is your reaction to my suggestions? How could I suggest better?
11. Do you think I sympathise with you at a deep level? With others?
12. What are some ways I can demonstrate that I love you that I am not now doing?
13. What are two of the happiest things that ever happened to you? What brings you the most happiness today?
14. What has been the hardest experience of your life? The saddest? What are the things that cause you the most anxiety today?
FAILURE & FORGIVENESS
Respond to these questions & then discuss them with your spouse.
1) How do you define forgiveness? What do you mean when you say, "I forgive you"?
2) Think of a time when you hurt your spouse. What was (or would have been) the most effective way for your partner to communicate forgiveness to you?
3) Think of a time when you & your spouse "blew it." You failed to communicate, & in the process hurt one another. As a couple, how did you respond to that failure? If it happens again, how would you like to respond?
4) What changes would you like to make in your attitude toward your own failures?
5) What helps you confess your weaknesses & failures to your spouse?
6) What changes would you like to make in your response to your spouse's failures?
7) What changes would you like your spouse to make in his or her response to your failures?
8) Is there any offense you have committed against your partner for which you would like to be forgiven now?
DECISION MAKING
We can suggest several guidelines for making mutual decisions in marriage.
First, isolate the decision to be made from other emotional baggage. If you are angry with your spouse for something which happened earlier, talk about your anger before you try to make a decision in another area.
Second, determine the objectives you want to achieve.
Third, rank your objectives in order of importance.
Fourth, brainstorm for creative alternatives.
Be patient if your spouse approaches decision making in a way different from you.
If you disagree with your spouse, it is much better to acknowledge it than to try to get your own way without telling.
Evaluate your ability to make mutual decisions by answering & then talking about the following questions:
In what areas of your marriage do you have primary responsibility for making the decisions? How do you feel about doing this? Do you wish there were other areas where you exercised more independent decision making?
4. SEX
SEX DISCUSSION
A. Questions to discuss before marriage:
1. Do you feel we are honest & open with each other in talking about sex?
2. Do you feel we have the same standards?
3. What do you feel is the purpose of sex?
B. Questions to discuss after marriage:
1. What causes you special pleasure?
2. Do you wish I would initiate sex more often? Less often?
3. How do you feel a woman's moods relate to her menstrual cycle?
4. Are you content with the frequency & the quality of our sexual relationship?
5. Do you feel that I fulfil your sexual needs?
6. Do I tend to be selfish during sex?
7. Are there things I do during sexual foreplay that you do not enjoy?
8. Are there techniques you would like me to use to arouse you more?
9. What do you like most about our sex life?
10. Are you willing to explore new techniques to lend more excitement & variety to our sexual relationship?
11. What barrier to intimacy needs to be removed in our marriage?
12. Indicate a special time of intimacy we have experienced in the last month.
13. What could we do this week to increase the intimacy in our relationship?
FINDING SEXUAL FULFILLMENT
We have never met a couple with a perfect sexual relationship. As in virtually all other areas of marriage, intimacy does not just happen. Growing together in sex depends not so much on developing physical skills as on developing communication skills. Answer these questions separately & then discuss them in light of your own marriage.
Talk about how physical intercourse relates to lovemaking. Is intercourse purely for fun? Is it a mystical experience? Is it your most accurate expression of love or does some other activity demonstrate your love more clearly?
Often, though not always, husbands experience sex as an activity, to be enjoyed as an end in itself. Frequently, but not always, wives experience sex as one part of the total relationship, a part which is dependent on intimacy in the whole relationship. They way you define sexual intercourse will influence your expectations & actual experience of sex.
What does sexual intercourse mean to you?
What is your favorite way of "making love"?
What words describe your own experience of intercourse?
Play____ Mystery____ Work____ Love____ Scary____ Pleasant____ Frustrating____ Satisfying____ Other____
Why?
During intercourse, talk about what you are feeling, what you like & don't like, & what will help you to experience full pleasure. Listen & respond to your partner's experience.
Do you feel that your spouse is sensitive to you when your needs differ from his or hers? What would you like your spouse to change to help you enjoy sex more?
Are you satisfied with the frequency & the experience of intercourse in your marriage? Your experience is more important than any statistic. If you are not satisfied, frequency may or may not be the problem. Share your dissatisfaction with your spouse & together try to clearly define the problem & brainstorm to solve it.
How do we decide when to have intercourse? Talk about it! You can try to make your preference known.
Are you satisfied with how often you have intercourse? If not, do you wish it were more frequent or less frequent?
How do you tell your spouse you'd like to have sex?
How does your spouse tell you?
In relation to other activities, how high a priority is sex?
How high a priority is sex for your spouse? Is sex for your spouse more or less of a priority than for you?
What could your spouse do to increase your anticipation of sexual intercourse?
What is the most difficult aspect of your sexual relationship right now? (
Your sex life will not be perfect, but it need not be a source of continuing stress.)
What daily or regular activity has the strongest positive influence on your sexual experience?
What has the strongest negative influence?
What do you see as the greatest area of growth in your sexual relationship in the last year?
5. RESOLVING CONFLICT
DAY-TO-DAY ISSUES
The place to begin developing your relationship is to take a look at its current status. The relationship checklist will help you do just that.
The checklist below is designed to give you some idea about the general state of health of your relationship. You & your partner should complete the checklist separately, then read the section following the checklist before talking together about your individual assessments. Circle the number on the scale of one to five that applies to your relationship as you see it. (5 means you strongly agree with the statement--1 means you don't think it applies to you)
1. Feeling of low energy or lack of enthusiasm about the relationship.
1 2 3 4 5
2. Unresolved conflict between you & your partner.
1 2 3 4 5
3. Apathy or general lack of interest or involvement between you & your partner.
1 2 3 4 5
4. Lack of clear resolution
1 2 3 4 5
5. Poor communication--fear of speaking up, not listening to each other, or not talking to each other
1 2 3 4 5
6. Dissatisfaction about how much your partner contributes to the relationship or shares in work around the home.
1 2 3 4 5
7. Not much interest in or not much satisfaction with sex in the relationship
1 2 3 4 5
8. Feelings of being trapped & that you can't be yourself with your partner
1 2 3 4 5
9. Feelings of being put down by your partner when with friends
1 2 3 4 5
10. Feelings of greater ease when your partner is not around
1 2 3 4 5
11. Many thoughts about "splitting" from your partner
1 2 3 4 5
Now add up your total score for the 11 items: _________
What your score means: If your score is between 11 & 22, from your point of view you & your partner are handling day-to-day issues well. If your partner's score is in this range, then both of you are probably feeling okay about your relationship. Keep up the good work. However, if your partner has a higher score than you, each of you has a different perspective on the current state of health of the relationship. You need to talk about those differences, as they are potential sources of frustration, conflict, or anger.
If your score is between 23 & 33, there is some evidence that various aspects of your relationship are in need of attention. You need to identify exactly what is troubling you so that you & your partner can deal with those areas before they become a major source of conflict. If you or your partner rated two or three items in the high evidence range, these particular issues are major trouble spots. They must be dealt with immediately or they will negate the good things you have going for you.
If your score is between 34 & 43, you already know your relationship is not satisfying for you. You & your partner must sit down to have a serious discussion about your dissatisfactions. Go through each item in the checklist & talk specifically about how you arrived at your scores.
If your score is over 43, your relationship is in trouble. But don't despair. If both of you recognise the need for help & are willing to put time & effort into working on your problems, you can revive your relationship, however hopeless it may look.
RESOLVING CONFLICT
Disagreements & problems come as a shock to many couples. How can we disagree so strongly when we love each other so much?
Defining the problem & observing what caused it, brings enough emotional release that actually solving the problem seems easy. The solution comes through brainstorming various ideas & then arriving at one you both are willing to try.
Problem solving is one of the elements which forge a healthy marriage relationship.
When change & disappointment are so great & problems so complex that working it out seems impossible, get help.
Answer these questions & then discuss them:
1) Here are some typical problems. Describe what issues you think each couple would have to face in each situation.
David recently switched to the 3-11 shift at the factory. When he comes home, he is too tired for sex. Linda, who works days, has been home all evening, eager for companionship & physical affection. David hopes to change shifts with seniority but in the meantime his job is hurting their sex life.
Jane's mother always managed the finances in her home, & Jane believes that money management & control rests with the housewife. Steve's father took charge of their money, & Steve believes it is the husband's responsibility. They did not realise the extent of their differences of opinion until after they were married & they both felt the other was being too judgmental on spending habits.
2) What unresolved problems do you see in your marriage right now?
3) Pick a current problem. Define the expectation, the disappointment & the cause. What ideas do you have for solving the problem?
4) What would you do if you reached an impasse over a problem in your marriage?
WATCH YOUR WORDS
What if your spouse attacks you instead of the problem? How do you react to the following situation or how do you comment?
1. If an accusation or statement is made which is not backed up with facts, I will say:
2. When a complaint that is over six months old is raised, I will state:
3. If a reference is made to an in-law or relative, I will:
4. If I make a reference to my mate's appearance, I will:
5. If a reference is made to my appearance, I will:
6. When either I or my mate becomes "dramatic," I will:
7. Review your answers to the above six situations. Are your answers positive or negative? Will they help or hurt your mate? Will they make communication more effective next time or will they tend to hinder future communication? If your answers are negative, hurtful, or will tend to hinder future communication, rewrite them!
8. Think of several instances in which you showed respect for your spouse's ideas, opinions, or beliefs in the last week:
9. Think of several instances in which you may have shown disrespect for your spouse's opinions or ideas or beliefs in the last week:
10. Talk together with your mate about "respect for each other's opinions." If apologies are in order, make them. If gratitude or compliments are in order because both of you do respect one another, don't hold back on that, either! Remember--...a word spoken at the right moment, how good it is! (Prov.15:23)
BE ANGRY & SIN NOT
Use the following questionnaire to evaluate your own attitude toward anger.
1. Do you have a temper? Describe the kind of anger that you usually experience.
2. How do you express this anger? Do you control it?
3. Do others know when you are angry?
4. Describe how you feel when angry.
5. Does your anger surge up quickly?
6. Do you hold resentments?
7. Does your anger affect you physically?
8. Have you ever hit someone or something?
9. When was the last time?
10. How do you control your anger?
11. Who taught you?
12. Are others afraid of your anger?
13. Are others afraid of your criticism?
14. What causes your anger or criticism?
15. How often do you get angry?
16. What are you dissatisfied with in life?
17. Do you get mad at people or things?
18. What do you do about your anger?
19. How do you handle anger directed toward you?
20. Do you repress your anger?
21. Do you suppress it?
22. Do you express or confess it? What is your usual response when you get angry?
Suppress Express Repress Confess
23. Does confessing anger seem like a real possibility for you? That is, is it something that you do easily or think that you could start doing? What would people say if you were honest & let them know when they were making you angry?
My spouse would say:
My friends would say:
24. Do you know of Scriptures that can help you?
25. Do you regularly memorise Scriptures?
26. Do you openly & honestly pray about your emotions?
27. Do you really expect God to help you change your emotions?
28. Do YOU want to change?
29. What are you going to do now to change your attitudes & behaviour?
30. Describe the kind of anger your spouse seems to usually feel.
31. Does your spouse usually express this anger?
32. What can a person do to make himself "slow to anger"?
33. Describe how a person can "be angry & sin not."
6. CHANGE/GROWTH/ATTITUDES RATE-YOURSELF QUIZ
Score yourself from 1 to 10 in the following areas, then score your mate's qualities. Have your mate do the same & compare answers.
General Virtues:(10 is tops)
______ Patience
______ Generosity
______ Listen to Others
______ Hard working
______ Honesty
______ Forgiving
______ Outgoing/Friendly
______ Cleanliness
______ Manners
______ Moderation
______ Exercise
______ On Time
______ Affectionate/Warm
______ VIRTUE TOTAL
Areas of Weakness:(10 is worst)
_____ Insecurity
_____ Sex
_____ Anger
_____ Moods/depressions
_____ Easily offended
_____ Cutting Comments
_____ Alcohol
_____ Addictives(smoking/coffee/drugs)
_____ Bad Habits
_____ Disorganized
_____ Demanding
_____ Appearance
_____ Finances
_____ WEAKNESS TOTAL
CHANGING YOUR OUTLOOK
1. Describe the behaviour or attitude that you want to change (for example: anger, anxiety, quarreling, yelling, etc.)
2. List several very personal reasons for giving up this behaviour or attitude.
3. Motivation to change is very important. From your reasons for giving up the behaviour or attitude, select the most important reason. Write it down.
4. Begin to think about how you should change your behaviour if you wish to succeed. Write these down.
5. Adopt a positive attitude. What has been your attitude toward changing this in the past? Describe. Indicate what attitude you are going to have now. How will you maintain this new attitude? Write down your answer.
6. Whenever you eliminate a behaviour or attitude that you dislike, often a vacuum or void will remain. Frequently a person prefers the bad or poor behaviour to this emptiness so he reverts back to the previous pattern. In order for this not to happen, substitute a POSITIVE BEHAVIOUR in place of the negative. Describe what you can substitute for the behaviour or attitude that you are giving up.
7. List the things about which you tend to criticise others. What does this tell you about yourself?
8. List a change you would like to see in your relationship with your spouse.
9. What changes would you like your spouse to make & what changes will you make?
10. In what way is your spouse's current behaviour tied into his or her self-esteem?
11. Think back over the last week. Did you spend the time feeling anxious or worried?
12. Were you aware of your mate being worried?
13. If worry was part of the past week, what specifically did you worry about? Do you know what your spouse worried about?
14. Can you list benefits or accomplishments that came as a result of your worry?
15. Can you pinpoint the one thing in your life that causes you the most anxiety & worry? If so, name it.
16. How would you describe this worry?
Unhealthy Healthy
17. Explain why you chose the description you did.
CLEANING YOUR WINDOWS QUIZ
1. a. What one person comes to your mind when you read the word angry? Who best fits the description of the word depressed? Cheerful? Sad? Bitter? Which of these people would you like to be stranded with on a lonely isle?
b. Describe yourself in a one-word epitaph. Are you grouchy or kind or hostile or fat? Choose your own word.
c. How do you think your husband &/or friends would describe you in one word?
d. Does your friend's or your husband's description of you in question C, match your own description of yourself in question B? Are you "the Great Pretender"? Do other people know who you really are? Do you?
2. Draw two perpendicular lines down a sheet of paper to make three columns.
a. In the first column, list your most pressing problems.
b. In the second column, write what you wish would happen to each problem (if wishing would do it).
c. Finally, in the third column, write the action you plan to take to make your wishes come true!
3. List the ten people who have most affected your life. Then describe in one word the strongest quality or trait of each of these people. You may then want to adapt some of these traits for yourself.
4. Write a book. Tell your life story. Keep a pad & pencil at hand all day & by your bedside. Jot down thoughts as they come to mind. Otherwise, you'll probably forget--or you'll stay up all night trying to remember.
MOTIVATION
Stress comes when one partner is more motivated to a course of action than the other. Some people are motivated by fear of punishment. Others by being involved in the decision-making process. Some people need strong authority figures. Others need active participation.
The following questions will help you to discuss motivation with your spouse.
1) Think of a change in habit, lifestyle, or attitude which you have made in recent years. Looking back, what factors influenced you to make that change?
2) Put a check besides the sentence completions which are appropriate for you.
I am motivated to change when I...
____hear a moving speaker encouraging me to do so.
____read a challenging book on a topic.
____am asked to change by someone I love.
____am convinced in my own mind that change will benefit me & others.
____have a fault pointed out to me.
____join a program designed to help me change.
____am promised a large reward.
I try harder to change when I...
____am praised for trying to change.
____am promised a further reward.
____talk to others who struggle with the same problem.
____am left to change at my own pace.
____am threatened with punishment if I don't change more.
3) What is one area of your marriage where you wish you were more motivated to change? Looking back at your answers in #2, what specific things can you or your spouse do to increase your willingness to make that change?
4) What is one change you would like to see your partner make? Why do you want this change to occur? What are you doing to help increase your spouse's motivation? How does your spouse feel about that?
5) Do you think your spouse is trying too hard to change you? Why do you feel that way?
6) What defense mechanisms do you use when you fail to please your spouse?
7) Write down five things for which you would like to thank your spouse.
HABITS
1. Do you think I am inclined to be overly neat or overly sloppy? What habits would you like for me to change? Do unwashed dishes, unmade beds, towels not hung well, papers not stacked neatly, pictures not hanging straight, & other similar things bother you? What specifically?
2. Do I have any personal idiosyncracies or practices that annoy you? Do you think you can accept living with these if I cannot change? (The most often mentioned are: picking teeth, manner of chewing, spitting, sounds in eating, scratching, twitching, clearing the throat, snoring, sniffing, use of gum, use of tobacco, personal grooming, use of alcoholic beverages, use (or non-use) of colognes or perfumes, bathing & toilet practices, body odors, being chronically late, not hanging up clothes in the proper place, scattering apparel, not closing doors or drawers, offensive language, not replacing lids or caps, leaving the bathroom in a mess, mannerisms of speech, perverted humour, off-beat ideas, over-meticulousness, messiness, lack of organization, prudishness, artificiality.)
THE FEMININE CHECKLIST OF MANNERS
1. Do you avoid using your hands in a stiff, brusque, efficient, firm or strong manner?
2. Do you avoid walking with a heavy gait, long steps, round shoulders or slanting forward?
3. Do you avoid the following qualities in the voice: Loudness, firmness, efficiency, boldness, over-softness or timidity, dullness, flat tone, mumbling, monotonous, singsong?
4. Don't laugh loudly or in a vulgar manner.
5. Don't use facial expressions that are hard, harsh, bitter or unyielding, etc.
6. Don't indulge in conversation that is harsh, bitter, critical, impatient, crude, vulgar or unrefined.
7. Don't slap anyone on the back.
8. Don't whistle.
9. Don't yell.
10. Avoid talking loudly.
11. Don't roar at jokes.
12. Don't gulp food or eat noisily.
13. Don't drink by throwing your head back.
14. Don't sit with legs apart or with one leg horizontal across the other.
REMODELLING YOUR MATE?
1. List five things that you have asked (or nagged) your mate about that he or she has not changed or improved one bit. Why do you want your mate to change in these areas? Would the changes bring his or her behaviour or attitude into closer harmony with Scripture? How else could you get your mate to change rather than to "keep mentioning it" (nagging)?
2. List five things that your mate has asked (or nagged) you about but you have not changed either because you could not or did not wish to do so.
3. Of the items listed for question 2, which ones could you have corrected if you had really wanted to do so?
4. Look at the items you have listed in your answer to question 3. Specify in detail your reasons for not making the changes suggested by your mate. Are your reasons valid?
5. For each of the items listed in your answer to question 1, put down the reasons why, in your opinion, your mate does not attempt to make the changes that you constantly suggest.
HEALTH TOPICS
1. How much do you like to exercise? How much would you like for me to exercise? Is this important to you?
2. Do you have regular checkups by a doctor?
3. How much fresh air do you like at night?
4. Are you a slow riser? (Should I learn not to speak to you before breakfast?)
5. Is there anything in your family's medical history or in your own that I should be aware of?
6. How important is relaxation to you? How do you best relax? How can I help you in this?
SPIRITUAL BELIEFS
1. What is your concept of God? Christ? Sin? Man's relationship to God?
2. What are effective ways of coping with evil? Temptation?
3. How do you view death?
4. What are your thoughts on the sources of real, deep inner peace of mind?
5. If I were enticed into sin, told you the truth about it & asked your forgiveness, what would be your response?
6. Where do you find your greatest security?
7. What to you are the ingredients of a truly wonderful way of living?
SPIRITUAL GROWTH
Discuss these questions together after answering them separately.
1) What activity helps you most to grow as a Christian? What do you think helps your spouse most?
2) What is the most threatening to your spiritual growth right now?
3) In the next week, what would you most like to do to help your spiritual growth?
4) What can your spouse do for you which would help you grow spiritually?
5) If you have children ask them, "What is your favorite thing that Mom & Dad do to help you love Jesus more?"
6) Are you content with your mate's relationship with the Lord?
7) Are you content with your relationship with the Lord?
7. CHILDREN & FAMILY LIFE CHILDREN
1. How many children do you want?
2. What are your thoughts on the discipline of children?
3. What do you feel about birth control & planning or spacing of children?
4. If we couldn't have children, how do you feel about adoption?
5. What changes would you make from your own childhood that relate to raising a family?
6. What are your ideas on working at being a good parent? (How can we best go about it? How important is it?)
QUESTIONS HUSBANDS SHOULD ASK THEIR WIVES ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN
1. Do our children know how much we love each other?
2. Do they know how much we love them? Do we tell them, & show it by our everyday actions?
3. Do you feel that I spend enough time playing & talking with them?
4. What are some positive ways we can encourage them: To be unselfish? To be loving to others? To have a good self-image? To be responsible? To develop their skills? To love God?
5. Do we agree on our philosophy of discipline for the children?
6. What should our policy be regarding the children's use of the TV set?
7. What are the values each of our children should hold to when they leave our home some day?
8. What practical skills should we be teaching them that will equip them for living?
9. What activities could we be doing together to increase family harmony & love?
FAMILY POLICIES
1. What differences have you noted in our backgrounds? Can we face these differences honestly & adjust to one another?
2. What are the family customs from your own upbringing that you would like to continue in our family? How important is this to you?
3. Do you like to entertain? How much would you like it to be a part of your life? What sort of entertaining (casual, formal) do you prefer?
4. What are your thoughts on visiting parents & other relatives? On their visiting you?
5. What do you think about family anniversaries, birthdays, special occasions? What about gifts for these? How much would you spend on these gifts?
6. Do you feel you can be in close fellowship with your family & also be free to live your own life? Do you feel we have achieved this? In what areas do we need to work at this?
7. Do you think I do my share of work?
8. Do you feel we are in agreement about meal schedules, table practices, bedtimes, hours of sleep, house temperatures, how to spend weekends?
9. What do you think about a husband & wife having time away from their children? How often? What do you think about "dating"? How important in your priorities is this time with me?
10. Do you like animals? Do you feel animals should be kept outside?
11. If one of our parents were widowed or sick, what do you feel is our responsibility toward him/her?
RECREATION & LEISURE
1. To you, what is the greatest way to spend a vacation? What is your second choice?
2. Do you like to travel? Camp out?
3. Do you like my friends? Who do you feel is a fun couple to spend a vacation with?
4. Do you like to go on vacations with just family or with other people?
5. What are your hobbies? How much time do you like to spend on them?
6. How much time do you feel should be spent watching TV? What are your favorite programs? What about going to movies? What rating?
7. What kinds of sports do you like? (Playing or watching)
8. What other kinds of things do you like? (Games, for example)
9. Do you always have to be busy or do you enjoy just "being lazy"?
8. MONEY MATTERS
MONEY & POSSESSIONS
It sometimes even costs money to build our relationships. Answer & then talk over these questions.
1) What is your most valued possession? Why?
2) Do you think you have enough money? Why or why not?
3) Discuss the ways you give away money. Are you satisfied with the amount you give? Are you satisfied with how it is used?
4) If you were to change one thing in your own money habits, what would it be?
If your spouse were to change one thing in his or her money habits, what would you like it to be?
5) Do you have a budget? Are you comfortable with the way you manage money as a couple? What changes would you like to make in your family finances?
6) What is the best tangible gift your spouse has ever given you?
7) What is the best intangible gift your spouse has ever given you?
8) What is the gift you would like to give to your spouse?
9) What would your spouse appreciate?
Note: If money management is a particularly difficult issue in your marriage, talk through your budget with someone whose financial values you respect.
QUESTIONS HUSBANDS SHOULD ASK THEIR WIVES ABOUT MONEY
1. Do you ever sense frustrations or resentment at the limitations of our income? How can we encourage each other to be more positive?
2. Are you content with the way we handle our finances?
3. Do we act as though we believe God will provide all we need?
4. Do you feel we discuss the budget together sufficiently? Do I give you an adequate voice in planning?
5. Are we planning wisely for our financial future?
6. What spending could we have done without in the last few months?
7. Do we have more money than we really need?
8. Are we giving enough back to God through a tithe or special giving for the needs of others? What missionary field or needy individual could we help financially?
9. What should be our policy regarding the use of the checkbook & the credit cards?
10. What can we be doing to teach the children financial wisdom?
11. Do we tend to be too materialistic?
12. Are there things that we really do need soon? In what order of priority?