IF ONLY HE KNEW
--By Gary Smalley
TWO REASONS MARRIAGES FAIL
1) Men & women enter marriage with "storybook" expectations & limited training.
We marry with unrealistic expectations & few, if any, caring skills. In fact, most of us are rather fuzzy when it comes to our mates' real needs.
Like a spacecraft, your marriage is subject to laws that determine its success or failure. If any of these laws are violated, you & your wife are locked into orbits, destined to crash. However, if during the marriage you recognize which law or principle you are violating & make the necessary adjustments, your marriage will stay on the right course.
2) Men & women lack understanding about the general differences between men & women.
I would venture to say that most marital difficulties center around one fact--men & women are totally different. The differences (emotional, mental, & physical) are so extreme that without a concentrated effort to understand them, it is nearly impossible to have a happy marriage.
MENTAL/EMOTIONAL DIFFERENCES
1. Women become an intimate part of their surroundings. Dr. Cecil Osborne, in his book "The Art of Understanding Your Mate," said women become an intimate part of the people they know & the things that surround them; they enter into a kind of "oneness" with their environment. Though a man relates to people & situations, he usually doesn't allow his identity to become entwined with them. He somehow remains apart. That's why a woman, viewing her house as an extension of herself, can be hurt when it's criticized by others. A man may not realise it, but when he yells at the kids for something they did, his words affect her deeply as well. Women tend to find their identity in close relationships, while men gain their identity through vocations.
2. Women often need more time to adjust to change. Because of a woman's emotional identity with people & places around her, she needs more time to adjust to change that may affect her relationships. A man can logically deduce the benefits of a change & get "psyched-up" for it in a matter of minutes. Not so with a woman. Since she focuses on immediate consequences of relocating, for example, she needs time to overcome the initial adjustment before warming up to the advantages of it.
3. Women tend to express their hostility verbally whereas men tend to be more physically violent.
SEXUAL DIFFERENCES
While a man needs little or no preparation for sex, a woman often needs hours of emotional & mental preparation. Harsh or abusive treatment can easily remove her desire for sexual intimacy for days at a time. When a woman's emotions have been trampled by her husband, she is often repulsed by his advances. From the start, the woman has a greater intuitive awareness of how to develop a loving relationship.
I am not saying men are more selfish than women. I'm simply saying that at the outset of a marriage most men are not as equipped to express unselfish love or as desirous of nurturing marriage into a loving & lasting relationship as women are.
INTUITIVE DIFFERENCES
Norman was planning to invest more than $50,000 in a business opportunity that was a "sure thing." He had scrutinized it from every angle & had logically deduced that it couldn't miss. After signing a contract & delivering a check to the other party, he decided to tell his wife about the investment.
Upon hearing a few of the details, she immediately felt uneasy about the deal. Norman sensed her uneasiness & became angry, asking why she felt that way. She couldn't give a logical reason because she didn't have one. All she knew was that it just didn't "sit right." Norman gave in, went back to the other party, & asked for a refund. "You're crazy!" the man told him as he returned Norman's money. A short time later, all of the organisers & investors were indicted by the federal government. His wife's intuition had not only saved him $50,000, but it may have kept Norman out of jail.
THE HARDEST DECISION YOU MAY EVER MAKE
Remember, you are the one who gains when you strive to have a loving relationship with your wife. My wife has told me dozens of times that when I treat her right I'm the one who wins. My loving care motivates her to do extra things for me, to respond gladly to my needs & desires, but this has never been my main motivation. The strongest motivation for me has been the challenge & rewards of living my life as outlined in Scripture.
Before reading on, take this short quiz to rate how stable your marriage is at this moment to pinpoint your weak & strong points.
1. Do you make your wife feel good about herself? (Yes___ No___)
2. Do you value the same things in your wife that you value in yourself? (Yes___ No___)
3. Does your face spontaneously break into a smile when you see your wife? (Yes___ No___)
4. When you leave the house, does your wife have a sense of well-being, having been nourished by your company? (Yes___ No___)
5. Can you & your wife tell each other honestly what you really want instead of using manipulation or games? (Yes___ No___)
6. Can your wife get angry at you without your thinking less of her? (Yes___ No___)
7. Can you accept your wife as she is instead of having several plans to redo her? (Yes___ No___)
8. Is your behavior consistent with your words? (Yes___ No___)
9. Do your actions show you really care for your wife? (Yes___ No___)
10. Can you feel comfortable with your wife when she's wearing old clothes? (Yes___ No___)
11. Do you enjoy introducing your wife to your friends or acquaintances? (Yes___ No___)
12. Are you able to share with your wife your moments of weakness, failure, disappointments? (Yes___ No___)
13. Would your wife say you are a good listener? (Yes___ No___)
14. Do you trust your wife to solve her own problems? (Yes___ No___)
15. Do you admit to your wife you have problems & need her comfort? (Yes___ No___)
16. Do you encourage your wife to develop her full potential as a woman? (Yes___ No___)
17. Are you able to learn from your wife & value what she says? (Yes___ No___)
18. If your wife were to die tomorrow, would you be very happy you had the chance to meet her & to marry her? (Yes___ No___)
19. Do you believe you know at least five of your wife's major needs & how to meet those needs in a skillful way? (Yes___ No___)
20. Do you know what your wife needs when she's under stress or when she's discouraged? (Yes___ No___)
21. When you offend your wife, do you usually admit you were wrong & seek her forgiveness? (Yes___ No___)
22. Would your wife say you praise her at least once a day? (Yes___ No___)
23. Would your wife say you are open to her correction? (Yes___ No___)
24. Would your wife say you are a protector, that you know what her limitations are as a woman? (Yes___ No___)
25. Would your wife say you usually consider her feelings & ideas whenever making a decision that affects the family or her? (Yes___ No___)
26. Would your wife say you enjoy being with her & sharing many of life's experiences with her? (Yes___ No___)
27. Would your wife say you are a good example of what you would like her to be? (Yes___ No___)
28. Would you say you create interest in her when you share things you consider important? (Yes___ No___)
If you answered "yes" to 10 or less questions, then your relationship is in major need of overhaul.
If you answered "yes" to 11-19 of the questions, your relationship needs improvement.
If you answered "yes" to 20 or more, then you're probably on your way to a good, lasting relationship.
THE THREE ESSENTIAL KINDS OF LOVE
There are at least three kinds of love, each totally unique. Of the three--companionship, passion, & genuine love--I believe only the latter provides an adequate foundation for a secure relationship. If a relationship lacks genuine love, it will most likely deteriorate.
Companionship. Here we're talking about the "I like you" feelings we have toward the opposite sex--the kind of love that pleasantly stimulates all five senses. We all change to some degree each year. The danger arises when we base our love on changeable characteristics we found attractive on the companionship level. Our feelings grow colder & colder until we finally wonder what we ever liked about our mates in the first place. So we're off to look for someone new to love. It's easy to see why companionship love has trouble maturing & lasting over the years.
Passion. Passion works harder on the emotions than companionship. It's the type of love that keeps the heart working overtime: "Hey, you really turn me on!" The Greeks called it eros--a sensual & physical form of love that often produces ardent physical involvement before & after marriage. Eros love heightens our senses & stimulates our bodies & minds. It's the kind of love that hungers for the other person to stimulate & satisfy our sexual urges. This love is certainly found in marriage, but if passion exists without genuine love, usually lust gives way to disgust & repulsion, somewhat as it did with King David's son Amnon who hated Tamar after he raped her (2 Sam. 13:15).
Genuine love is completely different. It means, "I see a need in you. Let me have the privilege of meeting it." Instead of taking for itself, genuine love gives to others. It motivates us to help others reach their full potential in life. Most importantly, genuine love has no qualifications. This love does not seek to gain, but only to give.
THE LOWEST LEVEL OF MATURITY
The ability to love in a selfless way is dependent upon your level of maturity. The emotions listed below are typical of immature love. Check the ones characteristic of your life.
___ Jealousy is caused by fear of losing something or someone we value because it or they meet our needs.
___ Envy springs from a desire to possess what someone else has. We imagine that if we gain what he or she has, then we'll be happy.
___ Anger results from the inner turmoil & frustration we feel when we
cannot control people or circumstances. We cannot have what we believe will make us happy or our goals are blocked.
___ Loneliness results from a dependence on other people for our happiness.
___ Fear results when we imagine or perceive that our needs or goals will not be met.
If you want to continue this exercise, you should make a list of incidents that have triggered each emotion you checked. Then ask yourself, "Why did I feel the emotion? Was I focusing on what I could get out of life or what I might lose in life?"
THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF MATURITY
I believe the more we help others achieve their full potential in life, the closer we are to maturity. Demonstrating a selfless desire for others to gain is the strongest base for building lasting relationships. How can you go wrong when you develop a love that is primarily concerned with discovering what builds a deep & lasting marriage & how to identify your wife's specific needs & then you look for creative ways to meet them?
LEARNING TO DEVELOP A LASTING,
MATURE LOVE
What do you think is the major stumbling block for most husbands in developing a lasting love for their mates? I have found that it is failing to meet a woman's needs from her viewpoint. Doing things for others our way is a selfish, immature form of love. If you've never done so, find out what your wife needs to feel fulfilled as a woman. Then look for special ways to fulfill her needs. At first she may not believe your caring attitude will last. Don't despair. It takes a long time to develop a sturdy relationship.
(Wives, if you are reading this, let me assure you that we as husbands generally do not know what you need. So we ask you to help us learn by telling us your needs in a gentle, loving way. Let us know when we aren't meeting your needs--but not in a critical way that could cause us to lose interest.)
Your wife's needs
1. Your wife needs to feel that she is very valuable in your life, more important than your mother, your children, your friends, your secretary, & your job.
2. When your wife is anxious & hurting, she needs to know that you are willing to share an intimate moment of comfort without demanding explanations or giving lectures.
3. She needs open or unobstructed communication.
4.
She needs to be praised so she can feel a valuable part of your life.
5. She needs to feel free to help you without fearing retaliation & anger.
6. She needs to know that you will defend & protect her.
7. She needs to know that her opinion is so valuable that you will discuss decisions with her, & act only after carefully evaluating her advice.
8. She needs to share her life with you in every area--home, family, & outside interests.
9.
She needs you to be the kind of man her son can follow & her daughter would want to marry.
10. She needs to be tenderly held often, just to be near you, apart from times of sexual intimacy.
When her needs are met, a woman gains security & glows with a sense of well-being. Some of her glow will rub off on you, especially if you are responsible for it in the first place.
THREE SAFEGUARDS
First, think of her as a flower. All flowers are beautiful, but each needs a specific amount of sunlight, nutrients, & water to flourish. You need to discover who she really is, especially as she changes from year to year.
Second, after she has shared her unique needs, rephrase them in your own words until she says you have picked up her meaning. It is your responsibility to find out what your wife means when she says, "You said you'd be back in a little while." A little while might mean thirty minutes to her & two hours to you.
Thirdly, it is important to remember how much you both differ as male & female. In general, a wife is naturally more sensitive & more aware of relationships than her husband. Try to understand that she will probably feel, see, & hear more than you. When your wife says something to you, allow it to sink in. Make an extra effort to understand your relationship as she sees it.
If your wife persistently reacts negatively to you, it may be because she perceives a threat to one or both of two important areas: 1) her security 2) her established relationships.
IF YOUR WIFE DOESN'T WIN
FIRST PLACE, YOU LOSE!
Women notice how our eyes light up & our entire personalities change as we become excited about fishing or other activities. If your wife doesn't sense that same excitement in you when you're with her, she has a gnawing sense of failure because she feels she isn't as attractive to you as are your activities or friends. This can be devastating to a woman's sense of personal worth & security.
The Biblical principle found in 1 Peter 3:7 is the cornerstone of all relationships! Grant her honour. Honour basically means to attach high value, worth, or importance to a person or thing.
I wanted to tell my wife she was the most important person in my life. I really wanted to feel that way. At first I didn't have those feelings, but I wanted to have them. As I tried to make her more important to me than anyone else, I soon began to feel she was top priority. Feelings follow thoughts & actions. In other words, the warm inner feeling I have for Norma began to burn after I placed the "queen's crown" upon her head. (I shouldn't have been surprised because in Matthew 6 we're told that what we "treasure" or "value" is what we'll have feelings for.)
I learned from my wife & other wives that women need to see effort & not hear mere promises. Give your wife time to watch you climb the mountain if she doesn't believe what you say initially. Show her you are learning to scale the cliffs & hurdle the crevices. The more consistently loving we are as husbands, the more trustworthy we become to our wives. Soon they will join us as we climb hand-over-hand toward the goal of a loving marriage.
The most important way I've ever expressed my love to my wife was when I finally attached a high value to her, when I decided that next to my relationship with God & His Word, she is worth more to me than anything on this earth--and she knows it.
THE EVIDENCE WIVES NEED BEFORE
THEY WILL BELIEVE THEIR HUSBANDS
Wives need proof of change over a consistent period of time in at least three areas before they will believe their husbands' commitment.
1. Careful Listening Without Justification or Argument. It is often difficult for a man to converse with his wife without challenging the meaning of various words she uses to explain how she feels inside. If a husband can overlook the actual words his wife uses to express herself & instead actively pursue what she means, fewer arguments will take place. It is essential in communication to look past the surface words to the real meaning behind the words. If we can stop justifying our actions & quit arguing about the words our wives use, we can get down to the heart of the matter. We can try rephrasing our wives' statements until they say we have grasped their meaning. "Is this what you're saying, dear?" or "Is this what I'm hearing?" At all costs, try to avoid sarcastic questions like, "Is this what you're having trouble saying?" A budding relationship between husband & wife can be stunted by an attitude of male superiority.
2. Quickness to Admit Error. Though husbands sometimes think admission of error reveals their weaknesses, the opposite is true. A humble admission of wrong produces positive results. When a husband admits he has hurt his wife, she feels better just knowing he understands. His admission of wrong can produce a much stronger marriage. Not only that, it demonstrates that he is a wise man because the Scriptures tell us only the wise seek correction.
3. Patience When She Is Reluctant to Believe He's Changed. What if you've been doing everything within your power to let your wife know she has first place in your life, & she still doesn't believe you've changed? Do you throw up your arms in disgust? Or do you gently persuade her over a period of time? I hope you choose the latter. Her initial respect for you wasn't lost overnight, & it can't be regained in a day. Show her no matter how long it takes, you want to earn her respect.
TWO REASONS WHY A WIFE CAN BECOME
LESS IMPORTANT TO HER HUSBAND
What causes a man to come home after work, pick up his young son, & kiss & cuddle him without even greeting his wife? How can a husband walk straight to the garage to begin a project without even acknowledging his arrival to his wife as he passes by her in the kitchen? Why does a man lose affection & enthusiasm for his wife after marriage? I think there are two major reasons.
1) A man will pursue & charm a woman with words or flowers or whatever he needs to do to win her. But after the wedding he feels he has conquered her. She is his, so he doesn't have to maintain the same level of enthusiasm & creativity as he did before they married. She is his emotionally & legally. The husband may say to himself, "I have my wife. Now I need to conquer my business, begin a family..." Each frontier is viewed as a new conquest, a new experience.
2) Almost anything is sweet to a starving man, but when he's full, even honey nauseates him (Prov. 27:7). In a very real sense, a man is filled up when he marries because his wife is now a part of him. He believes he has experienced knowing her in every way--spiritually, emotionally, mentally, & physically. He may feel there is nothing left to know about her. He is satisfied and, therefore, has a tendency to look for other potential "frontiers."
HOW TO GAIN YOUR WIFE'S LOVE & MORE
If it came down to an evening with your friends or a night with your wife, she needs to know you would choose her company just because you enjoy being with her. In the same way, if it came to the children or her, she needs to know she would be your choice. She needs to know she's Number One. When she is satisfied that she's in first place in your life, she will encourage you to do the other things you like doing. Putting your wife in the Number One slot just below God doesn't shackle you to the house; instead, it frees you of the dread of going home.
Do you wonder whether your wife feels she is more important to you than other people or things in your life? Complete the following exercise, & I think you will find out.
First, list your favorite spare-time activities:
What is an enjoyable after-work activity for you?:
Now, look back over these two lists & ask yourself, "Is there anything on the lists I would rather do than be with my wife?" Probably so. And if so, chances are you have already "communicated" to your wife that she is not as important to you as your activities, even though you have never uttered those words. Since a woman has tremendous perception, she knows where your heart is, even when you haven't said a word. But that doesn't mean it's too late to adjust your priorities.
YOUR WIFE'S "RADAR" CAN DETECT
YOUR SINCERITY
Based on the amount of time you spend on each activity, your wife can sense which is most important to you. If she doesn't feel that you are careful with her as you are with your other interests, she will know she is not as important. That feeling shatters her self-worth & can result in physical as well as emotional problems. The emotions she struggles with now may surface years later in the form of serious & expensive physical problems.
However, some husbands feel threatened by the thought of giving their wives special treatment, fearing they will lose out with their friends, career, or hobbies. They falsely believe if they give up other activities for the sake of being with their wives, they will give them up forever. Remember, when a wife feels she is the most important, she gets excited about her husband being able to do the things he wants to do. But don't try to deceive her! Simply telling her she's first so she'll let you out to do what you want doesn't work. In fact, if she finds out you've tried to manipulate her, you may be faced with major problems concerning her trust in you & her own feelings of worth.
HOW I GAINED MY WIFE'S LOVE
& EVERYTHING ELSE
After ten years of marriage, I felt I was finally becoming a success at my work. I was privileged to speak regularly for various organisations in our city & throughout the country. My wife & I had a beautiful home & two children. What more could a man want? Then from my point of view, a tragedy occurred in my marriage. Norma became pregnant with our third child. I was not enthusiastic. If anything, I was depressed, realising our youngest had only been out of diapers for two years. I was just starting to enjoy my children, & the thought of another little baby around the house was almost overwhelming, particularly when the doctor had told us specifically that we couldn't have any more children.
Although I tried to be nice to Norma, I couldn't hide my disappointment. I was afraid I might not be able to travel as much & would be forced to take a less prestigious position in the company. My work load increased as the months passed, & I warned my wife I would not be able to help her with the children because of job demands. Even on the day our son was born, I worried about the added hardships he would add to my vocational dreams.
Norma's health suffered during the first year after our son's birth because of the long night hours & the responsibility of taking care of two other small children. Our baby had to have surgery & was often sick, adding to her burden. How insensitive I was during that year! Whenever the baby would cry at night or need special attention, I would quickly remind Norma he was her child. She had wanted another baby, not I.
A year passed in this way before Norma finally said to me, "I can't take it any more. I wish I had the emotional & physical strength to take care of the kids, discipline & train them, but I just can't do it with an absentee father."
She wasn't demanding. She wasn't angry. She was simply stating the facts. She'd had it. I could see the urgency & calmness in her facial expressions & realised that she desperately needed my help. I faced a major decision. Should I go to my boss & ask for a different job in the company? Ask for a job that would allow me more time at home? It was a struggle because I knew I could get a less prestigious & less lucrative job. I felt I would have to sacrifice some of my career goals. Inwardly, I felt resentment toward my son & my wife for being weak. But I gave in. In nervousness & embarrassment, I approached my boss to explain I needed more time at home because of the children. "Is there any possibility that I could have a different job that would allow me to stay home more?"
My boss graciously cooperated by giving me another job. But to me the new job was a demotion. I was asked to do some things that only a few weeks earlier I had been training my subordinates to do. What a blow, which did nothing but fuel my resentment.
I was devastated for a while, but soon I became interested in home life. I actually looked forward to five o'clock. My family & I began doing more things together, like camping & other special activities. Before long, a deeper love blossomed within both Norma & me. Norma began to feel more physically alert which, in turn, made her more cheerful & outgoing. She changed some habits I disliked without any pressure from me. My "big" career sacrifice seemed smaller every day in comparison to the richer relationship we were developing.
Within a few months, my boss gave me a new position in the company that I liked much better than the one I had given up. By this time, Norma was so secure with me that she had no resentment toward my new job or any necessary travel that went with it. I gave in & gave up at first, but I won in the long run. That's almost exactly how Christ explains the principle of exchange in Mark 8:34-37: "And when He had called the people unto Him with His disciples, He said unto them, `Whosoever will come after Me, let him deny himself, & take up his cross, & follow Me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for My sake & the Gospel's, the same shall save it. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole World, & lose his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?'"
THE INCREDIBLE RESULTS OF MAKING
YOUR WIFE FEEL IMPORTANT
One morning Sandy was so sexually responsive to Rick that he was stunned & surprised by her excitement. How did Rick motivate her? With one very simple statement. He was getting ready for work that morning, running a little late, when he heard Sandy complaining of a growing headache & neckache.
"Let me rub your neck," he offered.
"No, you don't have time," she replied. "You've got to get to work."
His usual response would have been, "Yeah, you're right. I don't want to be late. But I hope you feel better. Take an aspirin."
On this particular morning he said, "I'll tell you what. I'd rather be with you any day. Let me rub your neck." As he gently massaged her tense muscles, he continued, "Work can wait...you're more important to me." She was thrilled with his attitude & so encouraged by his sensitivity & gentleness that she said she could hardly resist giving herself to him in every way.
We men are not aware of the effect we have on our wives by being gentle & tender, showing our unshakable devotion.
Do you want a more enjoyable marriage? It's possible. And it all starts by loving your wife more than any person or activity.
Here are a few questions you can ask your wife to open up a discussion concerning her real feelings about the place she shares in your life:
1. Do you feel you are the most important in my life? (See Supplementary Note __)
2. Are there any activities in my life you feel are more important to me than you are?
3. Are there any special ways you believe I could better communicate how important you are to me?
Remember, the more you do to build a valuable, healthy relationship, the better you'll feel about your marriage. If you change any of your activities because you want to enrich your relationship, at first you may feel you're giving up your favorite pastime. But in the long run, you'll not only gain a better marriage, but a greater freedom to enjoy other areas of life. Today I wouldn't trade my deep friendship with Norma for anything on this earth. I am finding that the more important a man's wife is to him, the more she encourages him to enjoy life.
How a military officer loved
his wife out of a mental hospital.
The psychiatrist had prescribed that his wife be admitted to the local mental hospital. He was stunned & challenged, but had no idea how to help her. He sought counsel from the chaplain & learned he should allow his wife to sit in his lap & share her true feelings with him.
He followed this advice with great difficulty because it hurt to hear the things she said he was doing to weaken their marriage. As she was talking, the telephone rang, & he felt "saved by the bell." She was angry because she thought he would probably not return. But she overheard one statement he made that not only kept her from a breakdown but prompted her to slip into a nightgown & actually desire to arouse him (something she had not done in years). After the call, she calmly snuggled back into his lap.
What had he said to his commanding officer?
He simply said, "Sir, could someone else take that assignment tonight? I'm in the middle of a very important time with my wife. It's serious, & I really don't want to leave at this point." That military officer had begun to prove to his wife that she was of high value to him. As a result, her mental condition stabilised, & she never had to go to the hospital.
YOUR WIFE NEEDS YOUR SHOULDER,
NOT YOUR MOUTH
Let your wife teach you how you can best meet her needs during a crisis or when she's discouraged & losing energy.
Probably the most important lesson my wife taught me on how to comfort her was when she told me in a calm way that she could not handle my busy work schedule along with the pressures of the children & the home. By coming to me without threats to explain her limitations, she touched something within me. I was eager to comfort her. I don't know if she stirred my protective manly feelings or what, but when she told me she couldn't take the pressure I was putting on her & that she might be close to a collapse, I was motivated to relieve her of that pressure.
Many men don't realise that tender love through a gentle touch & listening ear is all a woman needs at times--just a comforting hug, a loving statement like, "I understand. You're hurting, aren't you? You're feeling under a lot of pressure, aren't you?" Listening to her talk without making critical comments or offering quick solutions is important.
Your goal should be to become a gentle, loving & tender husband who does not lecture. Lectures during stressful times only create more stress. One of a woman's greatest needs is tenderness & a husband who will listen instead of lecture.
As a husband, I recommend that you ask your wife when & how you need to hold her when she needs to be comforted. Ask her what circumstances prompt her to seek your gentle caring arms & touch. You can't dream them up on your own. We just can't perceive the deep feelings of other people. We've got to draw them out & then practice, practice, practice the skills of meeting our wives' needs.
HELPING YOUR WIFE OVERCOME
DEPRESSION
Both men & women experience stress daily. Some days are worse than others. Psychologists tell us that stressful experiences & prolonged anger affect our mind, our emotions, & our body. The amount of stress we experience in each of these areas can mean the difference between happiness or depression. Positive input in any one area has been proven to have beneficial effects on all the other areas. If a husband is tender with his wife, for example, he lifts her emotions and, in turn, helps her in other dimensions of her life.
According to Dr. Jerry Day, a clinical psychologist from Tucson, Arizona, if a wife has at least four of the following symptoms she could be diagnosed as depressed. As a husband, you need to know these signs in order to be able to comfort your wife more effectively. Let's not forget that a major destroyer of any relationship is hurt & anger held inside.
General Symptoms of Depression
1. Sadness
2. Hopelessness
3. Loss of humor
4. Premature awakening
5. Early morning awakening
6. Insomnia
7. Feeling better as the day wears on
8. Loss of sexual interest
9. Loss of appetite & weight
10. Sharp increase of appetite & weight gain
11. Vague physical complaints
12. Sense of personal loss (death of a close relative, loss of a job, etc.)
13. Poor concentration & memory
14. Deep sighing or moaning.
Remember, if your wife is depressed, it may or may not be something you've contributed to--but it is always your responsibility to help.
1. If your wife has at least four of the above symptoms, encourage her to have a complete physical examination. Her symptoms might be caused by a hormone or vitamin deficiency or by a physical illness.
2. Avoid lecturing her. Arguing with her only makes her feel you don't understand. But sending her a card or flowers can lift her emotionally. Help your children do something special for her. For example, you can go down to the store & buy a small roll of shelf paper. Roll it out & on it paste magazine pictures that depict things you appreciate about her. With brightly coloured pens, write affectionate words all over the banner. Roll it up with a pretty bow & present it to her as a family. Your thoughtful gesture will affect her emotions & help lift her out of the darkness.
3. Listen to your wife with the "third ear." In other words, listen for her emotional message. What is she trying to say? Can you understand the meaning behind her words? Try saying something like, "I don't know why this terrible thing has happened to you, but I can really see that it has deeply upset you." By saying those words, you will allow her time to gain physical strength through your understanding.
4. When things seem hopeless, though, a depressed person often feels like sleeping the day away. Nothing could be worse. Help your wife get up & go out, even if you have to go shopping with her. My wife sometimes feels like hiding under the blanket when she's down or feeling blue, even though she knows she will feel better if she gets up & goes to an exercise class or becomes vigorously involved in an activity.
5. Better yet, encourage her to write down the benefits that will enter life as a result of the depressing things that have happened to her. She may resist at first, saying she can't think of a single benefit. You may need to come up with at least one benefit for her before she can get started. The more benefits she uncovers, the better she will feel. Most women who do this exercise end up telling me, "Things really aren't so bad."
Even when your wife can't take time to write down her feelings you can help her avoid negative thinking. Gently steer her away from the two words, "If only." Those words, one psychiatrist said, have kept more people in depression than any others. "If only I hadn't...if only I would...if only he had..." Those two words can tear up a person emotionally, mentally, & physically.
6. During stressful times, encourage your wife to relax her muscles. I practice regularly an exercise recommended by Dr. Day. I can personally testify that this ten-minute relaxing technique has, at times, made me feel like I've just had four hours of deep sleep. It renews creativity & strength.
Allow your body's natural relaxing mechanism to work: relax in a chair or on a bed, take several deep breaths, tighten every muscle in your body for as long as you can hold one deep breath, & then exhale. Visualise your muscles relaxing, & then don't move a muscle for the remainder of the ten minutes.
How Does Your Wife Need to Be Comforted?
Why not ask her to help you understand how & when she needs comfort? Encourage her to be patient with you until you master the skill of tenderly comforting her.
CLIMBING OUT OF MARRIAGE'S
DEEPEST PIT
End every day with a clean slate--no offenses between the two of you.
Couples often ask me, "Where have we gone wrong?" Why don't we feel romantic toward each other?" "How come we argue so much?" "Why do we avoid touching each other?" These problems are not primarily attributable to incompatibility, sexual problems, financial pressure, or any other surface issues. They are a direct result of accumulated offenses. If a husband & wife can understand how to maintain harmony by immediately working to clear up every hurtful offense between them, they can climb out of such common problems & even marriage's deepest pit--divorce.
When a man treats his wife carelessly, she is usually offended far deeper than he realises. She begins to close him out, & if he continues to hurt her feelings, she will separate herself from him mentally, emotionally, & physically. In other words, she doesn't want any contact in any way with him. Haven't you noticed how your wife clams up after you have insulted her? She not only avoids conversation, but also avoids being touched. A wife simply will not respond to her husband when he continually hurts her feelings without "clearing the slate"--draining away her anger.
Harmony can be defined as the absence of unsettled offenses between the two of you. When a real harmony & oneness exist between you & your wife, the two of you will want to relax & spend time talking. Your wife will be more agreeable. She will feel emotionally & physically attracted to you. But when you have offended her, she will probably resist you & argue with you.
Wives are often accused of being strong-willed & rebellious when, in reality, they're simply responding to their husbands' thoughtless abuses. They are sometimes accused of wrecking the marriages because they have lost affectionate or romantic love for their husbands. Of course, husbands seldom realise that their insensitive behavior is what ushered the affection out the door.
Ways to Drain Anger from Your Wife
& Gain a More Loving Relationship
1. Endeavor to understand the ways you have hurt or offended your wife.
2. Admit the fact that you've participated in weakening your marriage.
If your marriage is continually under stress, is filled with strife, & is bordering on collapse, you've been participating in weakening it.
One of the quickest ways to restore your marriage is to demonstrate genuine conviction & sorrow for seeing such a valuable person as your wife treated in a dishonoring way.
3. Express genuine sorrow to your wife whenever you offend her.
4. Seek her forgiveness for your offensive behavior. A woman needs a man who understands the depth of her grief after his hurtful behavior. Wives have said to me, "If only my husband knew how much I feel those words that he says so glibly & harshly. If only he knew how long they stay with me." Harsh words can stay with a woman for years.
A woman loves to hear her man say, "Will you forgive me?"
5. Let her see your consistent & sincere efforts to correct offensive actions or words. This is another way of saying, "Repent." For the Greeks, the word "repent" literally meant "to turn around." It means that you are to change your way of thinking or acting to the way Christ thought & acted. (Luke 17:3-5)
A woman isn't impressed with a man who seeks forgiveness or admits he is wrong & then continues to hurt her year after year in the same areas. Words are nice, but they are not enough.
Attitudes, not words or actions, often harm a woman the most. When she sees her husband's attitudes changing, she is more willing to hope again & to be open with him & accept him into an intimate relationship. Otherwise, she'll keep him closed off for fear of being offended again.
WHAT NO WOMAN CAN RESIST
Women need praise. We should be able to understand their need because we, too, want to know that we are of value to other people. One of the ways we know we're needed is when others express appreciation for who we are & what we do.
The Scriptures remind us that our major relationships involve praise:
1. Praising God (Ps. 100:4)
2. Praising our wives (Prov. 31:28)
3. Praising others; for example, our Christian friends. (Eph.4:29)
I can vividly remember my boss saying years ago, "If only I had ten men like you, we could change the World." After that, I was so motivated I couldn't do enough for him.
Knowing how significant praise can be, why do we as husbands fail to express it to our wives? Several reasons. The most common is preoccupation with our own needs, vocation, & activities. We lose sight of the positive & helpful qualities in our wives when we are preoccupied. Even worse, we fail to acknowledge our wives' helpful traits when we do notice them.
How to find the positive side to your wife's "negative" traits:
Negative: Nosy
Positive: She may be very alert or sociable.
Negative: Touchy
Positive: She may be very sensitive.
Negative: Manipulating
Positive: She may be a very resourceful person with many creative ideas.
Negative: Stingy
Positive: She may be very thrifty.
Negative: Talkative
Positive: She may be very expressive and dramatic.
Negative: Flighty
Positive: She may be an enthusiastic person with cheerful vitality.
Negative: Too serious
Positive: She may be a very sincere and earnest person with strong convictions.
Negative: Too bold.
Positive: She may have strong convictions, uncompromising with her own standards.
Negative: Rigid
Positive: She may be a well-disciplined person with strong convictions.
Negative: Overbearing
Positive: She may be a very confident person--sure of herself & what she's doing.
Negative: A dreamer
Positive: She may be very creative and imaginative.
Negative: Too fussy
Positive: She may be very organised and efficient.
When a husband forgets his wife's need for praise, the marriage is usually on its way downhill. And if he constantly expresses the bitter instead of the sweet, his marriage will become less fulfilling every day. Criticism is devastating, especially when voiced in anger or harshness. "A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger." (Pro.15:1). When a husband rails against his wife for her unique feminine qualities, he conveys a lack of approval for her as a person. This automatically weakens their relationship.
Charles Jones, in the book "Life Is Tremendous," says we really can't enjoy life until we learn how to see & say something positive about everything. Though none of us will ever be completely positive about life, he says, we can be in the process of learning, growing, & developing toward a positive attitude.
If you develop a positive attitude, not only will others want to be around you more often, but your wife will also benefit tremendously. She will have a greater sense of worth & value, knowing you have provided the encouragement only a husband can give.
Encourage your wife & deepen your marriage relationship by following these two simple steps in learning how to praise her.
1. Praise her (at least) once a day.
Promise yourself to tell your wife daily what you appreciate about her. Promise yourself--not her--because she might develop expectations & be hurt if you forget. Begin by learning to verbalize your thoughts of appreciation. Here are some typical statements wives have told me they enjoy hearing:
1. "What a meal! The way you topped that casserole with sour cream & cheese...M-m-m...that was delicious."
2. (This next one is great with an early-morning kiss.) "Honey, I sure love you. You're special to me."
3. While in the company of friends say, "This is my wife. She's the greatest!"
4. Put little notes on the refrigerator like, "I loved the way you looked last night."
5. "You're such a dedicated wife to make my lunch every day."
6. "Our kids are really blessed to have a mother like you. You take such good care of them."
7. "I don't know if I prefer the dress or what's in it better."
8. "Do I like your hairstyle? I'd like any hairstyle you have just because it's on you."
9. "I'd love to take you out tonight just to show you off."
10. "Honey, you've worked so hard. Why don't you sit down & rest for a while before dinner? I can wait."
11. "You're so special to me that I'd like to do something special for you right now. Why don't you take a bubble bath & relax. I'll do up the dishes & get the kids started on their homework."
2. Be creative with your praise.
A woman loves to find hidden notes--in her jewelry box, the dresser drawer, the kitchen cupboard...Search for ways to praise your wife. The possibilities are endless.
Wrinkles, gray hair, & excess weight are definitely not on the list of possible conversation starters. Even your casual comments about them can make your wife insecure--she may fear being traded in on a "newer model." She knows divorce is just too easy & common nowadays. That doesn't mean you should use insincere flattery. Have you ever been to a party where someone compliments you & you know inside he or she don't mean what they say? Sometimes a husband will casually remark, "Oh, yeah, I really like that dress." But his wife can generally detect his insincerity. Even if you don't like her dress, you can say something sincere like, "Honey, the dress isn't half as good-looking as you are."
Specific praise is far better than general praise. For example. "That was a great dinner" doesn't do nearly as much for her as, "The asparagus with the nutmeg sauce was fantastic. I've never had asparagus that tasted so good. I don't know how you can take plain, ordinary vegetables & turn them into such a mouth-watering delight."
"You're a great mom" won't send her into orbit, but this might: "I'm really grateful that I married a woman who is so sensitive that she knows just the perfect way of making our kids feel important. They're sure lucky to have such a sensitive mother."
There is no right or wrong time to praise your wife. She'll love it when you're alone or when you're with the children & friends. Make sure you don't limit your praise to public or private times. If you only praise her in public, she might suspect you're showing off for your friends. If you only praise her in private, she may feel you're embarrassed about doing it. Whenever you praise her, it's important that your full attention be on her. If she senses that your mind or feelings are elsewhere, your praise will be less meaningful to her.
As you learn how to praise your wife genuinely & consistently, you'll begin to see a new sparkle in her eyes & new life in your relationship.
HOW TO TALK ABOUT PRAISE
WITH YOUR WIFE
1. Learn to "prime the pump".
Husband: What kind of praise do you really enjoy receiving from people?
Wife
: Oh, I don't know. As long as it's sincere, I'll like it.
Husband: Do you feel I praise you enough?
Wife: I think so.
Husband: (priming the pump) How about last week's meals? Would you appreciate it if I let you know more often how much I enjoy your cooking?
Wife: Oh, yes, I remember I went to a lot of extra effort on two meals last week, & you didn't even mention it...
Now you've got the water flowing. If you can take it, keep pumping. Show your concern & understanding by saying things like, "That must really hurt when I don't say anything. You deserve a medal for putting up with me." Comfort her & let her get rid of some of her pent-up feelings.
2. Look for the hidden meaning behind her words.
Husband: Dear, remember last week when I thanked you for the meal? Did I overdo it in front of Steve & Mary?
Wife:
Don't worry about it--it's okay.
Husband: Even when I said, "I'm glad we had company over; she's never cooked better"?
Wife:
Oh, yeah, I did feel bad. You made it sound like I don't cook good meals for you unless we have company.
Husband: I thought you might have felt bad. Let's see, what would have been a better way to say what I meant?
A husband needs to help his wife be as honest & straightforward as possible so he can know where the relationship is strained. So many times during our early married years I asked my wife not to "beat around the bush" or "play games with me." I needed the facts in order to adjust my behavior & learn how to be a better husband. I hope you encourage your wife to be as straightforward as possible to help build a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.
WHAT WOMEN ADMIRE MOST ABOUT MEN
The proverb that "honor follows humility" is still true today (Prov. 15:33). And even more significant is the truth that "the man who regards reproof will be honored." (Prov. 13:18). Humility is an inner attitude which is evidenced by an openness to the ideas & suggestions of others. It is the recognition that we are not all-knowing, that we can make mistakes, that we can always gain more knowledge & understanding. The inability to accept advice from others can destroy a relationship.
Let's set some goals: That we as husbands decide to be wise & open ourselves to correction (Prov. 9:8-9). A better marriage doesn't just happen. It takes serious effort channeled in the right direction. These basic goals will correct or prevent the most serious pitfalls we face in marriage. Some of us entered marriage with an extremely limited knowledge of how to develop a fulfilling relationship with our wives. But it's not hopeless. With a great deal of teaching & patience on their part, we can learn. A man needs to take an honest inventory to assess where he is in his marriage & be able to admit that he might have a long way to go. Your wife can certainly help with that inventory & suggested corrections.
If I'm open to my wife's correction, do I give up being the leader? A man may resist being open to correction from his wife because he feels it somehow negates his position as the leader of the home. If he listens to his wife's complaints or suggestions to improve their relationship & acts on them, he fears it means letting his wife make every decision or giving up control of the home. Without question, the Scriptures call the man to be the leader & head of the home. Yet like Christ, we are to lead in love--and love does not exist apart from discipline & correction. The Bible tells us that everyone whom the Lord loves, He corrects.
I've found that God often uses a man's wife to point out areas in relationships he needs to grow in--correction that can actually help him to love his family & even God in a deeper, more meaningful way. Although a man may fear that responding to suggestions from his wife might "open the flood gates" to her trying to take over the marriage, I have seen just the opposite to be true. When a woman sees her husband's willingness to accept correction--a mark of someone who wants to gain wisdom--she is more willing to follow his leadership in the home because she values him more highly.
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE
THE IDEAL WIFE?
If you want your wife to do this for you, first set the example & work on becoming a better husband. Ask her how you can improve as a husband. You'll give her new hope for gaining the type of marriage she's always wanted. If she sees you are sincere, ultimately she'll become far more responsive to your needs & desires. Wives tell me they admire & honor a husband who admits when he is wrong, especially when he openly seeks his wife's advice on how to improve. I believe a man needs to motivate himself to become more interested in his wife's ideas on how he can improve (Prov. 9:9). Then when he has asked her advice, he should observe the following:
Listen to What She's Really Saying
Look for the meaning behind your wife's statements. It is easier to avoid reacting solely to her words if you actively search for the meaning behind them. Have you ever said to your wife, "You're wrong. I don't always do that. Don't you think you're exaggerating?" She probably didn't mean always, as in "every single time." That's just her way to emphasise a point. The wise husband looks beyond that offensive word & says, "Tell me how you're feeling right now. Tell me some of the thoughts behind what you just said. Tell me why you feel you need to use the word `always.'" Reassure her that she does not have to explain in detail right away. Ask if she'd like to think about it for a day or two. A genuine learner does not put demands on others, forcing them to comply with his impatient desires immediately. He gives others time to feel, think, & change their words. Many a husband has refused to listen to his wife's correction because of hang-ups over her choice of words. Words have no meaning apart from the interpretation we each place upon them. It is our responsibility in communicating with our wives to understand their true intentions. A husband's tone of voice & facial expressions will reveal whether he has a sincere motivation to learn. His wife will not be as honest if she perceives that he is not really serious about learning & changing.
Let your wife's advice sink in like a good spring rain. Hold off on responding until you have deeply received what she has said.
Seek Her Forgiveness
As I said before, a woman won't set herself up to be hurt. If you have offended her in the past, she won't be eager to share advice or correction in the present. Seek her forgiveness to re-establish the spirit of communication. Her admiration & respect for you will be strengthened & maintained by your willingness to admit your wrongs.
Receive Her Advice with Gratefulness
Oh, the bounty of a grateful man--less nagging, more admiration & gentleness from his wife. When a man shows genuine gratefulness for his wife's correction, she feels a greater freedom to be more gentle the next time she corrects him. No need to nag when you have a grateful listener. A wife also admires her husband more when he is willing to thank her for her advice or correction. (The only exception is when a wife has been deeply hurt by her husband. Then she needs his time & patience until she is able to respond with admiration & gentleness. Don't quit trying when you're so close to success.)
Continue to look for the meaning behind what your wife says, let it sink in, & establish consequences for your failure. When you continue to thank her for helping you, you will begin to see the development of a stronger relationship.
When you offend your wife, she withdraws mentally, emotionally, & physically. But you can learn to draw her back. Just your willingness to learn will encourage her to respond as she becomes secure in the knowledge that you really want to change.
IF YOUR WIFE'S NOT PROTECTED,
YOU GET NEGLECTED
When a man doesn't understand his wife's limitations or explains them away as laziness, numerous misunderstandings can result. For example, a woman with several small children can be totally exhausted both physically & mentally by five in the afternoon. If her husband doesn't recognise this, he may resent her avoidance of sexual relations at ten or eleven at night when she is genuinely too tired to even think of a romantic experience with him.
Three Ways to Protect Your Wife
& Help Her Become More Fulfilled
1. Discover where your wife needs protection. First, a husband needs to discover areas in which his wife feels vulnerable. Through informal discussions & observation on your part, you can compile mental lists of the major & minor areas where she is frustrated or fearful. Think of your wife's special limitations before expecting her to take on added responsibilities. Such forethought will avoid extra strain on your relationship & protect your wife's mental, spiritual, emotional, & physical life.
Often my wife has said how much she appreciates the times I take charge of the kids when I come home from work. I get them out from underfoot so she is able to finish dinner peacefully. She is also grateful for the time to be alone. She likes me to take them outside to play, into another room to read, or just to talk to them about whatever topic they choose. After the meal, the children & I often clear the table & wash the dishes to let her have some time off. Instead of resenting her need for my help as I once did, I now look forward to helping her as often as I can. Thoughtful, creative ideas on your part are worth much more than the time or energy they cost. They strengthen your marriage & lift your wife's spirit.
2. Discover how your wife wants to be fulfilled. Another way to cherish your wife is to help her become fulfilled as a person. You can do this by discovering her personal goals in life & helping her reach them if possible. We all love to know that someone is pulling for us, that others are cheering when we reach a goal. It makes a woman feel worthwhile & valuable when her husband takes time to help her achieve a personal goal.
From time to time, my wife & I get together on a date, for breakfast out or just a retreat from home. During that time we list our personal goals. We commit ourselves to help each other fulfil those goals. This book is the result of a goal that my wife & I wanted to reach together. Since she was as excited about it as I was, I knew it was okay with her for me to take several weeks away from my family to work on our goal. Sit down with your wife & ask her to name some goals. She might want to finish college, advance in her vocation, study public speaking, learn to sew, or cook some new exotic meals. Her goals may change as she discovers the real pressure or motives behind them. Maybe she says she wants to go back to school, when all she really wants is a couple of days a week away from the children. By relieving her of some of the pressure, you may help channel her energies in the right direction, helping her to reach her real personal goals. I believe it is our responsibility to discover our wives' goals & to understand how they want to fulfil themselves as women. Then we must let them be who they want to be by respecting their unique ambitions.
3. Discover what personal problems your wife wants to solve. Has your wife ever told you emphatically in the morning that she is going to lose weight...and that very same evening she's eating donuts? The harmful action you can take is to remind her sarcastically of that early-morning commitment. However, you can comfort her by saying nothing at all or by putting your arm around her to say, "I love you for who you are, not for what you decide to do." She probably feels disappointed enough about her lack of will power. Knowing she is loved as she is will probably boost her self-confidence & strengthen her will power. In summary, a woman loves to build a lasting relationship with a man who cares about her enough to let her lean on him when she needs comfort. She needs a man who will understand her fears & limitations so that he can protect her. She feels important when her husband stands up & defends her in the presence of someone who is criticising her.
Each person is unique, & the only way you can pinpoint your wife's needs is to discuss them with her. You may want to question her to see if she feels that you are protective or helpful enough in these areas:
--The family finances
--Raising of the children
--Household needs & responsibilities
--The future--insurance, a will, etc.
--Her own employment & the people with whom she works
--Her friends & relatives
You should also endeavor to discover how she would like to be fulfilled as a person. Ask her to explain two or three goals she has always wanted to accomplish. Then re-evaluate your goals together each year.
ARGUMENTS...THERE'S A BETTER WAY
With my wife & I, many things had to change if we were going to agree to agree. We had to reason together for longer periods of time. We were also forced to discover the reasons behind each other's comments. I had to search for the meaning behind her words & understand her frame of reference if I hoped to convince her of my point of view. Several of our first discussions ended with the consensus that since we couldn't agree we would just wait. Amazingly enough, many "problems" seemed to solve themselves--or at least their importance seemed to diminish as the days passed.
Whenever my wife & I do not agree on something that affects the family, I have been amazed at the number of times her decision has been right. I'm not sure whether she has a hot line to Heaven or what, but somehow she can sense when something is not right. Committing ourselves to agree has brought more harmony & deeper communication than anything else we practice. It has increased my wife's self-worth & eliminated pressure-packed arguments.
Constant disagreement can only weaken a marriage relationship. That's probably why Paul emphasised having oneness of spirit & mind in the church. He likened the struggle for oneness to an athlete striving to reach the goal (Phil. 1:27). Likewise, as husbands & wives we can learn to enter into a oneness or agreement.
As I mentioned earlier, I know some men will react strongly to having their wives share in any of the decisions that affect the family. Like battlefield generals, they demand acceptance of their orders, not input from those people the decisions will most affect.
There may be rare times of deadlock when you'll have to make the final decision that goes against your wife's or your family's feelings. However, I've found that by my slowing down, talking through major decisions with my wife & the children, & valuing their opinions & input, over the years such impassable situations have been almost nonexistent.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS
When a wife is left out of the decision-making process, she feels insecure. Her constant state of insecurity spreads like a disease to produce instability in other areas of the marriage.
Husbands can also make their wives feel stupid, inadequate, or like an unnecessary member of the family when they make most of the decisions alone. Many husbands treat their wives as if they don't know anything at all. We husbands would do well to remember that everyone has a different stress-tolerance level. When you ignore your wife in making decisions, you add stress to every area of her life. As I've said before, stress will definitely take its toll by eroding her physical health.
As with so many areas of my marriage, I had to discover this the hard way. As I mentioned earlier, when my work load demanded that I travel a great deal, I didn't ask my wife if she could handle three small children alone; I just assumed she could. As a result of the extra pressure, she came to me on the verge of a physical collapse. I had to take a less responsible position in my company, but I learned the importance of taking care of my family. They bring me much more joy & fulfillment than any job. Today I can enjoy my work more because my family is always beside me. When a man learns to enjoy his family above all else, his activities & his friends take on an even greater meaning as well.
Finally, arguments are probably the most common side effects of major decisions made without any discussion. As anger sharpens the tongue, turning it into a fierce weapon, husbands & wives can end discussions by attacking each other's character. Words spoken during the heat of an argument are sometimes never forgotten. My wife can still remember ugly things I said when we were dating.
If a woman feels threatened during a discussion, she may become angry & demand her way. If her husband doesn't understand that she is acting that way because he threatened her security, he may feel his ego is being attacked or his leadership questioned. And both will pursue the issue like wild dogs, fighting to be the leader of the pack. Instead, each should enter the other's world to achieve mutual understanding.
The point is, if a woman says she feels pressured, take her word for it--she feels pressured! Try to enter her world to discover why she feels that way--don't argue that you didn't intentionally try to pressure her. If your idea somehow has caused her to say she feels pressured, then she is pressured.
If she says... "You're putting pressure on me."
Typical response from a husband: "I'm not pressuring you. I just wanted to do something so the two of us could be together. Don't accuse me of that."
Try this instead... "Honey, I can sure understand that you're pressured. If you feel what I'm saying is pressuring you, then I can sure accept that. That's not my intent, but I can understand that you feel that way. Can you share at this time any of the reasons why you feel that way?"
+ + +
If she says... "I hate going to the beach. I don't want to go." (She may have several reasons for saying this, one being that she is embarrassed about her figure. At that point a husband needs to be tender, understanding, & gentle. Remember, some women do not feel as relaxed in a bathing suit as a man might.)
Typical response from a husband: "You used to like the beach before we were married."
Try this instead... "I know I should know why you don't want to go to the beach, but could you tell me just once more some of the reasons why you don't?"
+ + +
If she says... "No, I don't want to go to the ball game with you. I hate those ball games."
Typical response from a husband: "I try to do things with you. The least you could do is to go with me once in a while & support me in something that I enjoy doing."
Try this instead... "Honey, is one of the reasons you don't like to go because I ignore you so much when I'm at a ball game?" (If she says yes to that question, ask her for other reasons she resists going to a game. Remember, if you react negatively to her reasons, she'll be less willing to share her true feelings with you in the future. You may need to give her "room to breathe" & come back to it all another time. If she says no, ask her to explain why, tenderly & with a real desire to understand her & value her opinion.)
HOW TO MAKE DECISIONS TOGETHER
Once you have found a method that works, stick to it. Whenever my wife & I try to take shortcuts, we get into trouble. After a quick discussion about moving to the country, we located the home of our dreams. I wrote an ad for the paper to sell our home & bought "For Sale" signs to put in the front yard. A neighbor walked across the street to ask how much I was asking for our house. When I quoted the price, he said it was far too low; it might reduce the market value of other houses in the neighborhood.
A vague uneasiness began to gnaw at me. Since my wife & I had not discussed every detail of this upcoming move, I tried to call her but couldn't reach her. I cancelled the ad & plucked the signs out of the yard. When she finally arrived home, we filled out the chart we usually use for major decisions & decided, after weighing advantages & disadvantages, that it was not a good idea for us to sell our home at that time.
The simple chart we use helps us reach total agreement on important decisions. We first list all of the reasons, pro & con, for doing something. Then we evaluate each reason. Will the decision have lasting effects? Is the reason selfish, or will it help others? Finally, we total the pros & cons & see which wins, not who wins. Although you may think you have in mind all the reasons you need to make the decision, seeing them ranked in black & white simplifies & streamlines the decision.
What to do if husband & wife are deadlocked on an important decision.
Instead of looking for a referee for the ensuing battle, they should postpone the decision as long as possible in order to gather additional facts. If it comes down to the "wire," they need to decide what is best for the family, & if they still can't agree Biblically, he should make his decision with the family's best interest in mind. A loving, understanding attitude can melt a wife's heart & give her the security she so desperately wants in times of difficult decisions, even if it takes time to adjust to a decision.
A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE
--IT'S EASIER THAN YOU THINK
I can say without reservation that my wife is my best friend. This has come about because we have practiced a principle learned from several successful families. Practicing this principle also has eliminated any significant disharmony in our family & has drawn us all closer.
I learned this principle by interviewing over a hundred couples across the nation. I chose them initially because they seemed to have close relationships & their children, though many were teenagers, all seemed to be close to their parents & happy about it. They were enthusiastic families--radiantly happy in most instances. I always asked them the same questions: "What do you believe is the main reason you're all so close & happy as a family?" Without exception, each member of the family gave the same answer: "We do a lot of things together." Even more amazing to me was that all the families had one particular activity in common.
Share Experiences Together
Jesus left us an example by sharing His life with the disciples. They traveled, ate, slept, healed, & ministered together. He guided, guarded, & kept them; then He prayed for them (John 17). His example of togetherness & oneness constantly inspires me to become "one" with my family by scheduling many times to be together. The simple principle of sharing life together has permeated every area of our family life. As much as possible, we look for ways to spend time together--cooking, fishing, putting the kids to bed, gardening. Everything we do as a family assures me of our unity later in life.
Recognise Everyone's Need to Belong
During an interview with a pro-football cheerleader, I learned how much wives need to feel that sense of belonging. She told me she loved the way her husband treated her when she returned from a two-day trip. He was so excited to have her home. He pampered her, telling her how much he had missed her. But his appreciative attitude wore off in about two days. Then he would start taking her for granted again. Why do we sit glued to the television as though our wives didn't exist? It seems we realise our love for them most when they're out of our lives for a few days. But after we've had them with us for a while, the "ho-hums" set in, don't they?
Let "Hard Times" Draw You Together
Foxholes make lasting friendships. Haven't you heard the stories of buddies who shared the same foxhole during wartime? Whenever they meet, there is an instant camaraderie that no one can ever take away from them, a feeling born from surviving a struggle together. Trials can produce maturity & loving attitudes. (James 1:2-4) Families have foxholes too. Even when a crisis inflicts deep scars, the dilemma can draw the family closer.
The One Activity that Wives Enjoy
The Most With Their Husbands
Many women have told me about the importance of intimate communication with their husbands--special togetherness times--after the children are in bed, during the day on the telephone, at breakfast, at dinner, at a restaurant over a cup of coffee. These special sharing times can be the most enjoyable part of a woman's day. My wife agrees that an intimate sharing time with me is the one thing she enjoys most about our relationship. We make it a point to have breakfast together as often as possible at a nearby restaurant just to talk about our upcoming schedules. I ask her questions about what she needs for the week & what I can do to help her & vice versa. I enjoy our discussions because I know she enjoys them. But more importantly, I would really miss those times of intimate communication if we ever neglected them.
To really understand each other during our conversations, we use a concept seldom taught in the classroom. It's called the "revolving method" of communication. Though it's very simple, you'll find it a tremendous help in avoiding misunderstandings. It involves four steps:
1) I ask my wife to share her feelings or thoughts with me.
2) I respond by rephrasing what I think she said.
3) She answers either yes or no.
4) If she answers no, I continue to rephrase what I think she said until I get a yes response.
My wife goes through the same four steps when I am explaining my feelings to her. Our communication is more meaningful since neither of us assumes, we automatically know what the other is saying. (In the past, misunderstandings over implied meanings confused & ruined many discussions.) This process has nearly eliminated misinterpretations in our marriage.
SO YOU WANT A PERFECT WIFE
Become a Consistent Example of
What You Want Her to Be
Studies have shown that children are much more likely to copy their parents' actions rather than their words. I have found the same principle true in adult relationships. A wife is subconsciously much more willing to emulate her husband's attitudes if they have a good relationship & she admires him. Unfortunately, the converse is true also. The more a husband demands that his wife change when he isn't a good example himself, the less desirous she is to improve herself.
I tried to change my wife in a certain area for months. I bribed her, embarrassed her, threatened not to take her on vacations, endeavoring in many "creative" ways to make her change. But the more I talked, the less she seemed to hear. I finally realised how unloving my attitude had been. I told myself I would not say another word to her about her problems until I could control myself enough to change into the tender & loving husband she needed. I was judging her in the same areas I was guilty. "Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest; for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things." (Rom.2:1)
My wife said something I will never forget:
"Gary, you know one of the reasons why it's been so hard for me to break some of my habits? It's because your attitude was so terrible. When you criticised me, I lost all desire & energy to try. And you are so hateful about criticising me that I don't want to improve because it would reinforce your stinky attitudes." When I had taken the pressure off, she told me she could sense the difference in my attitude. "Gary, I really want to change, & you're really helping me now."
The Futility of Lecturing Your Wife
I learned that a husband's tender, sensitive, & understanding attitude creates far more desire within a wife than almost anything else can do.
The second way to increase your wife's desire to improve your marriage is to share how you feel instead of demanding that she improve.
Let me clarify the "sharing" principle by breaking it down into four parts:
1. Learn to express your feelings through loving attitudes: Warmth, empathy, & sincerity. Loving attitudes dramatically increase a woman's desire to hear your comments. Warmth is the friendly acceptance of a person, the feeling that a person is important enough for your time & effort. Empathy is the ability to understand & identify with your wife's feelings. Can you put yourself in her shoes & see the situation from her vantage point? Sincerity is showing a genuine concern for your wife both in public & at home. A comment such as, "You won't believe my old lady" gives your wife good reason to be an "old lady" when you go home.
2. Try to avoid using "you" statements when sharing your feelings. When you say to your wife, "You never clean up this house," or "You never have dinner on time," or "You always yell at the children," you will find she is apt to dig her heels in deeper to resist you. According to psychologist Jerry Day, "you" statements make her more determined to have her own way. When a husband says in anger, "Can't you ever think about my feelings for a change," she thinks, "His feelings! What about my feelings!" "You" statements seldom make your wife think about you; they usually infuriate her because she knows you're not concerned with her feelings.
3. Wait to share your feelings until your anger has subsided. When you are angry, the tone of your voice alone is likely to provoke the wrong reaction in your wife. You might even spit out words you really don't mean. While you are waiting to cool off, either remain silent or change the subject to a neutral one. If your wife asks why you are quiet, answer her honestly. Try to avoid sarcasm & say something like, "I need a little time to think this through so I can better understand my feelings." Psychologist Henry Brandt encourages a husband & wife to be honest enough to say, "I'm angry right now, & to discuss our problem would be disastrous. Could we wait until I've cooled off?" By waiting, you will be able to have a discussion instead of an argument.
Replacing "you" statements with "I feel" messages after you have both cooled down is a better way to share disagreements. Here are a few examples of what I mean:
Areas your wife needs to improve: She doesn't respect you.
Typical "You" statements to avoid: "You don't respect me like you should."
Examples of "I feel" statements: "Honey, you probably don't realise this, but I really feel discouraged whenever I hear you say disrespectful things to me." (Plug in the statement she uses that discourages you.)
+ + +
Areas your wife needs to improve: She doesn't accept you.
Typical "You" statements to avoid: "You're always trying to make me into somebody I'm not."
Examples of "I feel" statements: "Honey, I don't blame you for saying a lot of the things you say to me. Many times we're just not in the same world. But I honestly don't understand many of the ways I offend you. And I feel that you're not accepting me for who I am."
+ + +
Areas your wife needs to improve: She is impatient with you.
Typical "You" statements to avoid: "You never give me a chance. Would you get off my back & give me a break. I'm not perfect!"
Examples of "I feel" statements: "Honey, I think you deserve a gold medal for putting up with me, & I wish our relationship was better for your sake. I wish I were more skilled in taking care of you, but it's probably going to take me a long time to learn these new habits. Many times I lose my desire to try when you're critical of me for not improving as fast as you wish I would."
+ + +
Areas your wife needs to improve: She is critical of you in front of others.
Typical "You" statements to avoid: "You make me sick when you criticise me like you did tonight. If you ever say that again I will never take you to another party. You sure made a fool of me tonight."
Examples of "I feel" statements: "Honey, I know how much you enjoy being with your friends. Would there be some time in the near future when we could talk about how I feel when we're at those parties? I hate to bring it up, but there's something you do that dampens my desire to be with our friends together. I really feel embarrassed & low when you criticise me in front of them."
4. Last, try to abandon "I told you so" statements. No matter how it's said, if it means "I told you so," eliminate it from your vocabulary. Such statements reflect an arrogance & self-centeredness that can be harmful to your marriage.
Create Curiosity
The third way to increase your wife's desire to improve comes from the old saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." But you can make him drink if you put salt in his oats. The more salt you put in his oats, the greater his thirst & the more he drinks. The more curious you make your wife, the more she will want to listen. This principle has been aptly named the "salt principle." Be stingy in sharing your feelings. Don't share them with your wife until you have her full attention. Once you master the salt principle, you will be able to gain the attention of anyone, even when he or she knows what you are doing. Simply stated, the principle is: Never communicate your feelings or information you consider to be important without first creating a burning curiosity within the listener.
The salt principle is so powerful that I can gain the attention of my family, even if their eyes are glued to the television. If I want my children to go to bed immediately, I can use the salt principle to get them there without threats, taunts, or screams. Christ left us the example by His method of teaching & motivating people. He used parables to create interest. In fact, He advised us not to teach truth to the uninterested. (Matt. 7:6)
Let me use four steps to illustrate how to catch your wife's attention when you want to share your feelings.
First, clearly identify the feeling you wish to communicate to your wife. For example, you want her to understand how discouraged you become when she corrects you in public.
Second, identify some of the areas your wife wants you to change. Perhaps your wife would like you to show affection for her by holding her hand or putting your arm around her in public.
Third, use her area of high interest, salted with just a pinch of your feelings, to stimulate her curiosity. Use her high interest for affection in public & say something like, "Honey, when we're out in public or with our friends, I just want to put my arm around you & show everyone how proud I am of you. But there's something that you do occasionally that takes away my desire to hold you."
And fourth, add a little more salt by asking a short question to further arouse her curiosity. Say something like, "Do you know what you do?" Or, "I probably shouldn't say anything at this time, right?" Or, "would you be interested in hearing what it is that causes me to feel this way?" If she isn't interested by this time, try it again later. Add a larger dose of salt to your statements.
Below are four examples of how a husband can "salt" his wife to listen to his feelings.
Area you wish your wife would change & "Salt" statements that motivate your wife to change
1. She resists your sexual advances:
"Honey, do you know what really encourages me to make our marriage better? (No.) It's when I see us working together in building our marriage. (Oh, that's good.) I can think of a major area that makes me feel that you're not pulling with me. (Oh, what's that?) Well, I feel misunderstood and rejected when you don't respond to me at night. Could you tell me what's wrong?" [Be extra gentle and tender during the ensuing discussion. You may find out that she feels offended or any number of possibilities, but you don't have to solve the problem in one discussion.]
2. She monopolises the conversation at parties:
"Honey, I know you want to go to their home next week, but there's one thing that keeps happening when we're together that really drives me away from social gatherings in general. (Oh what is it...gulp.) Well, I'm not sure I can really explain it without offending you. (Gulp, gulp.) Do you really want to talk about it? (Yes.) Well, I feel left out at parties by you." [Ask her how both of you could balance this problem. Maybe you could talk a little more and she a little less. If you discuss a plan before going to the party, you will enhance the possibility of it being more enjoyable for both of you.]
3. She doesn't want to talk when you're alone with her:
"Honey, here we are again, talking about improving our relationship. You still want that, don't you? (Yes.) The best relationship possible that we can build together? (Yes.) There's one thing I don't understand that happens to us during different times of the week, and I think that it is not going to help our relationship, especially after the children are grown and married and we're all alone. (Oh, what's that?) Well, it sort of involves the quiet times when you and I are all by ourselves and I'm really wanting to talk to you, but you don't seem to have this same desire to talk with me. I'm just wondering if there's something I'm doing that I'm not aware of, because I really want to talk with you but I don't sense that same interest in you. Maybe I'm not being sensitive to your fatigue, or whatever. I'd just like to know, because I really feel left out when you don't talk to me when we're alone."
4. She nags you about household repairs:
"Honey, I don't blame you for doing one particular thing to me from time to time, because I'm sure I deserve it. But, when you say one thing to me it really causes me to lose interest in repairing things around the house. (Oh, what's that?) Well, I know it has something to do with me, and I haven't been able to figure it out yet. But in the meantime, it's not helping me to want to fix things around here. (Well, what is it? Tell me.) Maybe you can help me. Would now be a good time for you to help me figure out why you do this particular thing to me? (Yes, dear, whatever it is, let's get it out in the open and talk about it.) Well, you see, honey, I feel so unmotivated when you, sometimes in irritation or in anger, tell me five times to do something and I just can't remember to do it. As much as I want to, my mind just gets occupied with other things and I just can't remember. I really want to help around the house. How can we figure out together what needs to be done to help me get these things done and help you not to nag me about them? I feel really disinterested in doing it when you're nagging me."
In summary, if a man truly wants his wife to improve & their marriage to be strengthened, he should be the example of what he wants to see in her before saying anything to her. He should be courageous enough to share his feelings & avoid accusing her. And finally, he should use the "salt principle" to gain her full attention before sharing his feelings.
"KEEP WORKING AT IT"
My wife says that my offensive behavior comes less & less often, that the periods of disharmony get shorter & shorter as we learn how to restore our relationship.
Why are those hard times fading away? Two reasons:
1. I admit my offensive ways & quickly accept the fact that I haven't arrived.
2. I earn her forgiveness sooner.
Building a successful marriage is a lifelong endeavor. Don't relax! And never assume that you've arrived! Pride always comes before a fall (Prov.29:23)!
100 WAYS
This is devoted to showing you one hundred ways you can love your wife her way. Discuss this list with your wife. Ask her to check the ones that are meaningful to her, & then arrange them in order of importance to her. Use the list as a basis for learning her views. I know your relationship will be greatly strengthened as you learn how to use these suggestions:
1. Communicate with her; never close her out.
2. Regard her as important.
3. Do everything you can to understand her feelings.
4. Be interested in her friends.
5. Ask her opinion frequently.
6. Value what she says.
7. Let her feel your approval & affection.
8. Protect her on a daily basis.
9. Be gentle & tender with her.
10. Develop a sense of humor.
11. Avoid sudden major changes without discussion & without giving her time to adjust.
12. Learn to respond openly & verbally when she wants to communicate.
13. Comfort her when she is down emotionally. For instance, put your arms around her & silently hold her for a few seconds without lectures or put-downs.
14. Be interested in what she feels is important in life.
15. Correct her gently & tenderly.
16. Allow her to teach you without putting up your defence.
17. Make special time available to her & your children.
18. Be trustworthy.
19. Compliment her often.
20. Be creative when you express your love, either in words or actions.
21. Have specific family goals for each year.
22. Let her buy things she considers necessary.
23. Be forgiving when she offends you.
24. Show her you need her.
25. Accept her the way she is; discover her uniqueness as special.
26. Admit your mistakes; don't be afraid to be humble.
27. Lead your family in their spiritual relationship with God.
28. Allow your wife to fail; discuss what went wrong, after you have comforted her.
29. Rub her feet or neck after a hard day.
30. Take time for the two of you to sit & talk calmly.
31. Go on romantic outings.
32. Write her a letter occasionally, telling her how much you love her.
33. Surprise her with a card or flowers.
34. Express how much you appreciate her.
35. Tell her how proud you are of her.
36. Give advice in a loving way when she asks for it.
37. Defend her to others.
38. Prefer her over others.
39. Do not expect her to do activities beyond her emotional or physical capabilities.
40. Pray for her to enjoy God's best in life.
41. Take time to notice what she has done for you & the family.
42. Brag about her to other people behind her back.
43. Share your thoughts & feelings with her.
44. Tell her about your job if she is interested.
45. Take time to see how she spends her day, at work or at home.
46. Learn to enjoy what she is doing.
47. Take care of the kids before dinner.
48. Help straighten up the house before mealtime.
49. Let her take a bubble bath while you do the dishes.
50. Understand her physical limitations if you have several children.
51. Discipline the children in love, not anger.
52. Help her finish her goals--hobbies or education.
53. Treat her as if God had stamped on her forehead, "Handle with care."
54. Get rid of habits that annoy her.
55. Be gentle & thoughtful to her relatives.
56. Do not compare her relatives with yours in a negative way.
57. Thank her for things she has done without expecting anything in return.
58. Do not expect a band to play whenever you help with the housecleaning.
59. Make sure she understands everything you are planning to do.
60. Do little things for her--an unexpected kiss, coffee in bed.
61. Treat her as an intellectual equal.
62. Find out if she wants to be treated as physically weaker.
63. Discover her fears in life.
64. See what you can do to eliminate her fears.
65. Discover her sexual needs.
66. Ask if she wants to discuss how you can meet her sexual needs.
67. Find out what makes her insecure.
68. Plan your future together.
69. Do not quarrel over words, but try to find hidden meanings.
70. Practice common courtesies like holding the door for her, pouring her coffee.
71. Ask if you offend her sexually in any way.
72. Ask if she is jealous of anyone.
73. See if she is uncomfortable about the way money is spent.
74. Take her on dates now & then.
75. Hold her hand in public.
76. Put your arm around her in front of friends.
77. Tell her you love her--often.
78. Remember anniversaries, birthdays, & other special occasions.
79. Learn to enjoy shopping.
80. Teach her whatever you enjoy doing.
81. Give her a special gift from time to time.
82. Share the responsibilities around the house.
83. Do not belittle her feminine characteristics.
84. Let her express herself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.
85. Carefully choose your words, especially when angry.
86. Do not criticize her in front of others.
87. Do not let her see you become excited about the physical features of another woman if that bothers her.
88. Be sensitive to other people.
89. Let your family know you want to spend special time with them.
90. Fix dinner for her from time to time.
91. Be sympathetic when she is sick.
92. Call her when you are going to be late.
93. Do not disagree with her in front of the children.
94. Take her out to dinner & for weekend getaways.
95. Do the "little things" she needs from time to time.
96. Give her special time to be alone or with her friends.
97. Buy her what she considers an intimate gift.
98. Read a book she recommends to you.
99. Give her an engraved plaque assuring her of your lasting love.
100. Write her a poem about how special she is.
121 THINGS TO AVOID
When a husband recognizes that he has offended his wife in any of these ways, he needs to clear it up in order to restore the relationship. Why not ask your wife to check the ones that are true of you? (Perhaps you could give a list of only 20 of the following at a time--lest the results be too devastating all at once!)
1. Ignoring her.
2. Not valuing her opinions.
3. Showing more attention to other people than her.
4. Not listening to her or not understanding what she feels is important.
5. Closing her out by not talking or listening to her (the silent treatment).
6. Being easily distracted when she's trying to talk.
7. Not scheduling special time to be with her.
8. Not being open to talk about things that you do not understand.
9. Not being open to talk about things that she does not understand.
10. Not giving her a chance to voice her opinion on decisions that affect the whole family.
11. Disciplining her by being angry or silent.
12. Making jokes about areas of her life.
13. Making sarcastic statements about her.
14. Insulting her in front of others.
15. Coming back with quick retorts.
16. Giving harsh admonitions.
17. Using careless words before you think through how they will affect her.
18. Nagging her in harshness.
19. Rebuking her before giving her a chance to explain a situation.
20. Raising your voice at her.
21. Making critical comments with no logical basis.
22. Swearing or using foul language in her presence.
23. Correcting her in public.
24. Being tactless when pointing out her weaknesses or blind spots.
25. Reminding her angrily that you warned her not to do something.
26. Having disgusted or judgmental attitudes.
27. Pressuring her when she is already feeling low or offended.
28. Lecturing her when she needs to be comforted, encouraged, or treated gently.
29. Breaking promises without any explanation or without being asked to be released from the promise.
30. Telling her how wonderful other women are & comparing her to other women.
31. Holding resentment about something she did wrong & tried to make right.
32. Being disrespectful to her family & relatives.
33. Coercing her into an argument.
34. Correcting or punishing her in anger for something for which she's not guilty.
35. Not praising her for something she did well, even if she did it for you.
36. Treating her like a little child.
37. Being rude to her or to other people in public, like restaurant personnel or clerks.
38. Being unaware of her needs.
39. Being ungrateful.
40. Not trusting her.
41. Not approving of what she does or how she does it.
42. Not being interested in her own personal growth.
43. Being inconsistent or having double standards (doing things you won't allow her to do.)
44. Not giving her advice when she really needs it & asks for it.
45. Not telling her that you love her.
46. Having prideful & arrogant attitudes in general.
47. Not giving daily encouragement.
48. Failing to include her in a conversation when you are with other people.
49. Failing to spend quantity or quality time with her when you're at a party.
50. "Talking her down"--continuing to discuss or argue a point just to prove you're right.
51. Ignoring her around the house as if she weren't a member of the family.
52. Not taking time to listen to what she believes is important as soon as you come home from work.
53. Ignoring her at social gatherings.
54. Not understanding the boring chores a housewife does: Like picking up clothes & toys all day long, wiping runny noses, putting on & taking off muddy boots & jackets, washing & ironing, etc.
55. Failure to express honestly what you think her innermost feelings are.
56. Showing more excitement for work & other activities than for her.
57. Being impolite at mealtime.
58. Having sloppy manners around the house & in front of others.
59. Not inviting her out on special romantic dates from time to time (just the two of you).
60. Not helping her with the children just before mealtimes or during times of extra stress.
61. Not volunteering to help her with the dishes occasionally--or with cleaning the house.
62. Making her feel stupid when she shares an idea about your work or decisions that need to be made.
63. Making her feel unworthy for desiring certain furniture other material needs for herself & the family.
64. Not being consistent with the children; not taking an interest in playing with them & spending quality & quantity time with them.
65. Not showing public affection for her, like holding her hand or putting your arm around her (you seem to be embarrassed to be with her).
66. Not sharing your life with her, like your ideas or your feelings (e.g., what's going on at work).
67. Not being spiritually minded enough.
68. Demanding that she submit to you.
69. Demanding that she be involved with you sexually when you are not in harmony.
70. Being unwilling to admit you were wrong.
71. Resisting whenever she shares one of your "blind spots."
72. Being too busy with work & activities.
73. Not showing compassion & understanding for her & the children when there is real need.
74. Not planning for the future, making her very insecure.
75. Being stingy with money, making her feel like she's being paid a salary--and not much at all.
76. Wanting to do things that embarrass her sexually.
77. Reading sexual magazines in front of her or the children.
78. Forcing her to make many of the decisions regarding the checkbook & bills.
79. Forcing her to handle bill collectors & overdue bills.
80. Not letting her lean on your gentleness & strength from time to time.
81. Not allowing her to fail--always feeling like you have to lecture her.
82. Refusing to let her be a woman.
83. Criticizing her womanly characteristics or sensitivity as being weak.
84. Spending too much money & getting the family too far into debt.
85. Not having a sense of humor & not joking about things together.
86. Not telling her how important she is to you.
87. Not sending her special love letters from time to time.
88. Forgetting special dates like anniversaries & birthdays.
89. Not defending her when somebody else is complaining or tearing her down (especially if it's one of your relatives or friends).
90. Not putting your arm around her & hugging her when she's in need of comfort.
91. Not bragging to other people about her.
92. Being dishonest.
93. Discouraging her for trying to better herself, either through education or physical fitness.
94. Continuing distasteful or harmful habits, like coming home drunk.
95. Not treating her as if "Handle With Care" were stamped on her forehead.
96. Ignoring her relatives & the people who are important to her.
97. Taking her for granted, assuming that a "woman's work is never done" around the house.
98. Not including her in future plans until the last minute.
99. Never doing little unexpected things for her.
100. Not treating her like an intellectual equal.
101. Looking at her as a weaker individual in general.
102. Being preoccupied with your own goals & needs, making her feel like she & the children do not count.
103. Threatening never to let her do something again because she made some mistake in the past.
104. Criticising her behind her back. (This is really painful for her if she hears about your criticism from someone else.)
105. Blaming her for things in your relationship that are clearly your failure.
106. Not being aware of her physical limitations, treating her like a man by roughhousing with her or making her carry heavy objects.
107. Losing patience or getting angry with her when she can't keep up with your schedule or physical stamina.
108. Acting like you're a martyr if you go along with her opinions.
109. Sulking when she challenges your comments.
110. Joining too many organisations which exclude her & the children.
111. Failing to repair items around the house.
112. Watching too much TV & therefore neglecting her & the children.
113. Demanding that she sit & listen to your point of view when she needs to be taking care of the children's needs.
114. Insisting on lecturing her in order to convey what you believe are important points.
115. Humiliating her with words & actions, saying things like "I can't stand living in a pigpen."
116. Not taking the time to prepare her to enjoy sexual intimacy.
117. Spending money extravagantly without helping those less fortunate.
118. Avoiding family activities that the children enjoy.
119. Taking vacations that are primarily for your pleasure, like fishing, while preventing her from shopping & doing the things she enjoys doing.
120. Not letting her get away from the children just to be with friends, go shopping for special items, etc.
121. Being unwilling to join her in the things she enjoys like shopping, going out for coffee & snack at a restaurant, etc.