SECRETS TO SUCCESS WITH PEOPLE
GP
8/90
(Choice excerpts from the book, How to Have Confidence & Power in Dealing with People by Les Giblin)
Chapter One
How You Can Have Confidence & Power in Relating to Others
1. Let's be honest about it: We do want things from other people. We want other people's good will & friendship. We want their acceptance & recognition.
2. A businessman wants business from other people. A husband & wife want love & affection from each other. A parent wants obedience. A child wants security & love. A salesman wants other people to sign their names on a dotted line. A boss wants loyalty, production, cooperation. An employee wants recognition & credit for what he does.
3. Every normal human being wants success & happiness. Have you ever thought about the fact that other people play an important part in any real success or happiness that we enjoy? It is largely through our dealings with other people that we become successful. And regardless of what your definition of happiness may be, a little thought will convince you that your own happiness is largely dependent upon the sort of relationships you have with other people.
4. Whenever I hear somebody knocking human nature, & blaming his troubles on the fact that the human race is so cursed, I am reminded of something that Harry Matelski, director of personnel for Wolf & Dessauer, Fort Wayne, Indiana, once said: "Les," he remarked, "have you ever noticed that a mediocre typist is very likely to express dissatisfaction with the typewriter? And that a poor golfer is always blaming a poor shot on his sorry golf clubs? You'll also find that people with little skill in human relations are the ones who are always cussing human nature--and blaming all their troubles on the fact that other people are so ornery."
5. The real object of this book is to teach you how to be successful in your interactions with people. One of the big reasons so many people lack confidence in dealing with others is that they do not understand what they are dealing with. We are always unsure of our-selves & lack confidence when we are dealing with the unknown. Watch a mechanic try to repair the engine of a strange automobile that he does not understand. He hesitates. His every movement shows lack of confidence. Then watch a master mechanic, who understands the engine he is working with. His every movement exudes confidence. It is the same for anything we are dealing with. The more we know about it, the more confidence we will have in dealing with it.
6. Once you understand why people act as they do, you'll automatically find yourself feeling more confident in dealing with them.
Your Key to Success & Happiness
7. All of us want two things out of life: Success & happiness. Various scientific studies have proven that if you learn how to deal with other people, you will have gone about 85 per cent of the way down the road to success in any business, occupation, or profession, & about 99 per cent of the way down the road to personal happiness.
Merely Getting Along Isn't the Answer
8. Merely learning how to get along with people is no guarantee of either success or happiness. The Caspar Milquetoasts in life have learned a way to get along with people to avoid trouble. The timid, retiring, doormat type of person has learned one way to "get along with people," i.e., to simply let them walk over him.
9. On the other extreme, the tyrannical, dictator-like type of person also has worked out a way to "get along with people": He simply beats down all opposition, makes a doormat of them, & proceeds to walk over them.
10. What counts is a way to get along with people, or deal with people, that will bring us personal satisfaction & at the same time not trample on those we deal with. Human relations is the science of dealing with people in such a way that our dignity & theirs remains intact. And this is the only method of getting along with people that ever brings any real success or any real satisfaction.
The Reason 90% of People Fail in Life
11. The Carnegie Institute of Technology analysed the records of 10,000 persons, & arrived at the conclusion that 15 per cent of success is due to technical training, to brains & skill on the job, & 85 per cent of success is due to personality factors, to the ability to deal with people successfully!
12. Look around you. Are the most successful people you know those with the most brains, the most skill? Are the people who are the happiest & get the most fun out of life so much smarter than the other people you know? If you will stop & think a minute, chances are that you will say that the people you know who are the most successful, & enjoy life the most, are those who "have a way" with other people.
Human Engineering More Important than Technical Knowledge
13. If there is one profession today that would seem to be entirely a matter of technical skill, it is surely engineering. Yet Purdue University kept careful records of its engineering graduates over a period of slightly more than five years. The earnings of those who made the very highest marks in school--those who appeared to have really mastered all the technical details & to have had the brains to master their profession, were compared with the earnings of those who made the lowest marks. There was barely $200 per year difference.
14. But when the earnings of those graduates who had demonstrated a marked ability to deal with others in social situations were compared, it was found that they averaged about 15 per cent more than of those in the "smart" group, & about 33 per cent more than of those with low personality ratings!
15. It is ironic that today many people are very much interested in improving their personalities, but show little or no interest in human relations techniques. Yet, as Dr. Albert Edward Wiggam, the eminent psychologist, has pointed out, when you boil personality down to its basic ingredients, it is nothing more than the ability to interest & serve other people.
16. Look for a success in any line & you will find a man or woman who has mastered the knack of working with people, a person who has a "way" with others.
17. Points to Ponder
1) It is a proven fact that from 66 to 90 per cent of all failures in the business world are failures in human relations.
2) Many so-called personality problems, such as timidity, shyness, & self-consciousness, are basically problems in dealing with people.
3) Learn skill in dealing with people with confidence & you will automatically improve your own success & happiness.
How to Use the Basic Secret for Influencing Others
18. If egotism can admittedly cause people to do silly & irrational & destructive things, it can also cause them to act nobly & heroically. What is egotism, anyway?
19. Edward Bok, famous editor & humanitarian, said that what the World calls ego is really a "Divine spark" planted in Man, & that only those men & women who had "lighted the Divine spark within them" did great things.
20. Whatever name you want to give it--"human dignity," "personality," or whatnot--there is something deep in the heart of every man & woman that is important & demands respect.
21. This is not a book on religion. But, in the final analysis you cannot separate religion & human relations. Unless you believe that there is a Creator who has endowed men with unalienable rights, with an innate worth, you cannot very well believe in people.
22. The great industrialist, Henry Kaiser, once said that you would automatically practice good human relations if you would remember that every individual is important, because every individual is a creation of God.
23. This is also the only true basis for self-esteem. The man or woman who realises that he is "something" not because of what he has done or how good he has been, but by the grace of God in endowing him with a certain innate worth, develops a healthy self-esteem. The man or woman who doesn't realise this tries to give himself significance by making money, gaining power, getting his name in the paper, or in a hundred other ways. Not only is he what we call an "egotist," when we use that word in its worst sense, but his continual unsatisfied hunger for self-esteem is what causes most of the trouble in this World.
24. If you are going to deal with people, whether they are children, wives, husbands, neighbours, bosses, workers, or convicts, you would do well to remember the following & act accordingly:
A. We are all egotists.
B. We are all more interested in ourselves than in anything else in the World.
C. Every person you meet wants to feel important, & to "amount to something."
D. There is a craving in every human being for the approval of others, so that he can approve of himself.
How to Use LS/MFT
25. You can improve your relations with other people like magic, if you will remember the magic letters: LS/MFT. They stand for: Low Self-Esteem Means Friction & Trouble.
26. When self-esteem is at a high level, people are easy to get along with. They are cheerful, generous, tolerant, willing to listen to others' ideas. They have taken care of their own primary needs, & are able to think about the needs of others. Their own personalities are so strong & secure that they can afford to take a few risks. They can afford to be wrong, occasionally. They can admit to themselves that they have made a mistake. They can even be criticis
ed & slighted, & take it in their stride--for such things only make a small dent in their self-esteem, & they have plenty more left. When self-esteem is at a low ebb, trouble & friction come easily.
27. To the person with low self-esteem, even a critical look or one harsh word can seem like a calamity. The so-called "sensitive souls" who see some "dig" or double-meaning in even the most innocent remark are suffering from low self-esteem. The braggart, the show-off, & the blusterer are also suffering from low self-esteem.
28. Even the arrogant person, who attempts to "put you in your place" or make you feel inferior, is really suffering from a low opinion of himself. You can understand his behaviour if you keep in mind two things: First, he needs desperately to increase his own self-importance & is attempting to do so by beating you down, & second, he is afraid. His self-esteem is at such a low ebb that he realises that just about one good "take-down" by you would be sufficient to destroy it altogether. And although he doesn't know for a fact that you would take a poke at his self-importance, he cannot afford to take that chance.
29. Realising that it is low self-esteem that causes friction & trouble, you will not add to the trouble by trying to beat these people down even more. You will avoid sarcastic, cutting remarks. You won't try to argue them down, for if you win the arguments, you will only further decrease their ebbing supply of self-esteem & make them harder to deal with than before. This is the psychology behind the well-known remark: "Win the argument & lose the sale."
How to Turn a Lion into a Lamb
30. There is only one effective way to deal with trouble-makers: Help the other fellow like himself better. Feed his hungry ego--and he will stop growling & snapping at you.
31. Remember that a hungry dog is a mean dog. Well-fed dogs seldom want to fight, & in the old days of pit fighting, dogs were starved for a day or two before a match to make them mean. This secret of successful human relations works not only on trouble-makers, but also on normal folks. Anyone is more agreeable, more understanding, more cooperative if you feed his ego...not with insincere flattery, but with genuine compliments & real praise.
32. Try looking for little things you can compliment others on. Look for good points in those you deal with--points that you can praise them about. Form the habit of paying at least five sincere compliments each day--and watch how much smoother your relations with others become.
Give the Other Fellow a Personal Reason to Help You
33. Not long ago I was in a Southern city where there was a national convention going on, & unexpected business developments required that I stop overnight. I went around to a hotel where I had previously stayed, & finally worked my way through the crowd that was standing around the desk trying to get rooms.
"Gosh, Les," the desk clerk apologised. "You should have let us know you were coming. I'm afraid there isn't anything I can do for you under the circumstances."
"It sure looks like we've got a problem," I responded, "but I know that if there's any hotel man in town who can lick it, it's you. And there's no need in my looking any further, because if you can't get me a room I might as well plan to sleep in the park."
"Well," he said, "I don't know. But stick around about 30 minutes & let me see whether I can think of anything or work something out."
34. The final result was that he remembered there was a small living room, luxuriously furnished & usually used for informal conferences, that could easily be turned into a bedroom, complete with bath, by simply moving in a spare bed. I got the room, & he got a sense of accomplishment by proving to both of us that, "If anybody can do it, I can do it."
35. Points to Ponder
1) We are all egotists.
2) We are usually more interested in ourselves than in others.
3) Every person you meet wants to feel important, & to amount to something.
4) There is a hunger in every human being for approval.
5) A hungry ego is a mean ego.
6) Satisfy the other person's hunger for self-esteem & he automatically becomes more friendly & likeable.
7) Jesus said, "Love thy neighbour as thyself." Psychologists now tell us that unless you do love yourself in the sense of having some feeling of self-esteem & self-regard, it is impossible for you to feel friendly toward other people.
8) Remember LS/MFT. Low Self-Esteem Means Friction & Trouble.
9) Help the other fellow like himself better & you make him easier to get along with.
How to Cash In on Your Hidden Assets
36. Every human being is a millionaire in human relations. The great tragedy is that too many of us hoard this wealth, or dole it out stingily. Or worse still, don't even realise we possess it.
37. During World War II, when people were hungry for meat, & meat was scarce, the butcher became the most popular man in the community.
38. Yet, every day of your life the people with whom you come into contact are hungry & thirsty for food that you could give them.
39. One of the most universal hungers is the hunger to feel important, to have your personal worth as a human being confirmed by others, to be appreciated, to be noticed.
40. It is within your power to add to the feeling of personal worth of the other person. It is within your power to make him like himself a little better. It is within your power to make him feel appreciated & accepted. In short, you have the bread to feed this human hunger.
Try Giving Away Your Wealth
41. The quickest way to improve your human relations is to begin giving away this wealth that you possess. Don't be stingy with it. Don't dole it out. Don't play any favourites. It doesn't cost you anything, & you need not fear you'll ever use it all up. When you cast this bread upon the waters, so to speak, it always comes back to you multiplied many fold.
42. All of us not only need to feel that we are important, we need to feel that other people recognise & acknowledge our importance. Actually, what we need is for other people to help us feel important--help us confirm our sense of personal worth. For our own feelings about ourselves are to a large extent the reflections of the feelings other people have, or seem to have, about us. Not one man in a million can long maintain his feeling of dignity & worth, so necessary to his well-being, if everyone he meets treats him as if he were a "nobody" & worthless.
43. This explains why so-called "little things"--little, apparently unimportant actions--can have such tremendous consequences in the field of human relations.
You Must "Recognise" the Other Person
44. In their diplomatic dealings with other countries, governments speak of "recognising" another country, or "according them recognition." "Recognition" means that the other country is considered to be a bona fide, "real" government.
45. We might well take a lesson from this in our diplomatic relations with other human beings. For to be successful in dealing with others, we too must "recognise" them as bona fide, "real" human beings.
46. J. C. Staehle, after analysing many surveys, found that the principal causes of unrest among workers were the following, listed in the order of their importance:
A. Failure to give credit for suggestions
B. Failure to correct grievances
C. Failure to encourage
D. Criticising employees in front of other people
E. Failure to ask employees their opinions
F. Failure to inform employees of their progress
G. Favouritism
47. Notice that every single item has to do with failure to recognise the importance of the employee. Failure to give credit for work says, "Your work isn't very important." Failure to correct grievances says, "You are so unimportant that your grievances don't amount to anything," & so on.
Three Ways to Make People Feel Important
48. A. Think other people are important. The first rule of all--and the easiest to apply--is simply to convince yourself once & for all that other people are important. Do this, & your own attitude gets across to the other fellow--even when you are not "trying." Moreover, this puts your human relations on a sincere basis. You can try rules & gimmicks until you are blue in the face, & they won't work for you, if you do them with your tongue in your cheek. You can't make the other fellow feel important in your presence if you secretly feel that he is a nobody.
49. After all, what else on Earth is as important as people? What is as interesting?
50. Men & women who have the most influence with other people are men & women who believe other people are important.
51. B. Notice other people. Here again is a simple but basic rule.
52. Have you ever thought about the fact that you "notice" only those things that are important to you? Actually you never see a hundredth part of what is around you--you select for attention only those things that are important. Five people taking a Sunday afternoon stroll down the same street will probably "see" or notice five different things, simply because they are interested in different things. A visiting merchant notices the shops & mentally calculates the rent each must pay. A paving contractor notices the condition of the pavement & sees that it is in a sad state of repair. His wife notices the new frocks in the shop windows. His eight-year-old boy sees the pigeons, & so on.
53. How to make people work harder. Subconsciously, we all know that we notice only what is important to us. Therefore, when someone "notices" us, he pays us a big compliment. He is saying that he recognises our importance. He gives a big boost to our morale. We become more friendly, more cooperative, & actually work harder.
54. Psychologists at the University of Michigan's Survey Research Center in Ann Arbor, Michigan, began a scientific study in 1949 which is still going on. They wanted to find what makes people work harder, what makes them produce more & do better work. They have found that the foreman who is interested in the people working under him gets more work from them than the bossy type who tries to force them to work harder.
55. Science Newsletter, in reporting on the findings of these scientists, said, "Pressuring for production may work to some degree. But the best results are achieved when a worker's internal motivations are tapped--his self-expression, self-determination, & sense of personal worth. A person works better when he is treated as a personality, given some degree of freedom in the way he does his work, & allowed to make his own decisions."
56. How to cure naughtiness in children. Dr. Ruth Barbee, well-known family-relations expert, tells me that about 90 per cent of so-called "naughtiness" in small children is simply their way of getting "noticed" when they cannot get the attention they want in any other way. And, she says, most naughtiness, & a great many so-called "bad habits" such as thumb-sucking & bed-wetting, can be cured quickly & simply by giving more time & attention to the child.
57. The most common complaint of wives & husbands. Every now & then someone takes a poll of husbands & wives to see what are the most common complaints that spouses have about each other.
58. Invariably, "not being noticed," in one form or another, heads the list. Many husbands cannot understand why a wife will have her feelings hurt because he does not notice her new hat or new hairdo. But the wife knows that his failure to notice the new hat means that he has not really looked at her--that he has not really paid any special attention to her. This, in turn, means that he does not consider her important enough to notice closely.
59. Turn the spotlight on everyone. When you are dealing with a group, try to pay attention to everybody in the group, insofar as it is practical. If you are dealing with a man who is accompanied by his wife, pay some attention to the wife. Don't overdo it & direct all your remarks to her, for that would make her husband feel small. But don't ignore her either. Show that you recognise her presence. She will then help you sell your ideas to her husband.
60. If you are dealing with a committee or other group of persons, remember at least to acknowledge their presence as individuals. Look at them when they are talking & when you are talking. Again, don't overdo it. If you do you will detract from the importance of the chairman or leader of the group. Add to his self-importance by letting him know you recognise him as leader. But the chances are that you will need the support & good-will of a majority of the entire group, not just the leader. It is surprising what a small amount of attention to each individual is required in order to make him feel that you consider him important.
61. C. Don't lord it over people. The third basic rule for letting the other fellow know that you recognise his importance is one that requires some care. Because you are a human being & you have the same need to feel important that everyone else does, you must watch yourself to see that you do not use this basic fact about human nature to your own disadvantage.
62. The temptation is always present, when we are dealing with others, to impress upon them our own importance. Consciously or unconsciously, we want to make a good impression, too! If someone tells of some great feat he performed, we at once think of something we did that was even greater. If someone tells a good story, right away we think of one that could top it. Often, we are so anxious to impress the other fellow with our own importance that we set out to make him feel small, so that it will make us appear bigger. "My daddy can lick your daddy," says little Jimmy Smith. And Jimmy's daddy is apt to make the same mistake, using different words, in talking to the neighbour down the street.
63. Here is one simple rule that will help you get over this handicap. Just remember this tried & proven fact: You want to make a good impression on the other fellow. But the most effective way ever discovered for impressing the other fellow is to let him know that you are impressed by him.
How to Know When to Correct Another
64. Usually when we contradict or correct another person's facts or statement, it is not for the purpose of settling any real problems--but only to increase our feeling of importance at the expense of someone else.
65. A good rule to employ is to ask yourself, before you contradict someone, this question: "Does it make any real difference whether he is right or wrong?"
66. If he says the gun isn't loaded, & you know it is, contradict him.
67. If he says the bottle contains nail polish & you know it contains nitroglycerin, correct him.
68. But if he says it is 83 million miles to the sun, what real difference does it make if the figure is incorrect unless you are an astronomer or mathematician & the exact figure will make a difference in your problem?
69. Don't try to win all the little battles. Not long ago I had dinner with both the owner of a small restaurant & a prominent accountant. During the conversation the restaurant man said, "I don't try to make too much money, because if you make $100,000 you are in the 90 per cent bracket & the government will only let you keep $10,000, while if you make only $30,000 you get to keep $15,000."
I looked at the accountant. He didn't bat an eyelash.
Afterwards, I said to him, "Why didn't you set him straight?"
"I'm surprised I have to tell you that, Les," he said. "I didn't set him straight simply because it would have served no purpose except to make him feel small. What difference does it really make whether he is set straight or not? He wants to believe that. If he made $100,000 a year & I was preparing his income tax returns I would set him straight, but since he doesn't make $100,000 & nothing is involved except his own ego--why bother to make him look bad in front of others?"
70. Points to Ponder
1) Don't be stingy in feeding others' hunger for a feeling of importance.
2) Don't underestimate "small courtesies" such as being on time for an appointment. It is by such small things that we acknowledge the importance of the other person. Unfortunately, we are often more courteous to strangers than to home folks. Try treating your family & friends with the same courtesy you show new acquaintances.
3) Remind yourself that other people are important, & your attitude will get across to the other person.
4) Starting today, begin to notice other people more. Pay attention to a man or a child, & you make him feel important.
5) Don't lord it over other people, or attempt to increase your own feeling of self-importance by making other people feel small.
How You Can Control the Actions & Attitudes of Others
71. Each of us is constantly influencing & controlling the actions of those with whom we come into contact. The only choice we have is this: Shall we use it for good or evil, for our benefit or our disadvantage?
72. For example, it may surprise you to learn that in about 95 per cent of the cases in which you are treated discourteously, snubbed, where someone else acts "unreasonably," you yourself literally "asked for it." You were controlling the actions of the other person & in fact, asking him to treat you discourteously!
How to Adopt the Attitude & Action You Want the Other Fellow to Express
73. There is a psychological law that makes human beings react & respond to the attitude & action expressed by the other fellow, in like manner. There is nothing mysterious about it, except the amazing results that come when you begin to put this law into effect.
74. In dealing with other people, we see our own attitudes reflected back to us in their behaviour. It is almost as if you stood before a mirror. When you smile, the man in the mirror smiles. When you frown, the man in the mirror frowns. When you shout, the man in the mirror shouts back. Few people realise just how important & how predictable this law of psychology is. It is not just sweet talk about how people ought to act.
When You're Shouted at, You Must Shout Back
75. In conjunction with the U.S. Navy, the Speech Research Unit of Kenyon College proved that when a person is shouted at he simply cannot help but shout back, even when he cannot see the speaker.
76. Tests were made over telephones & intercoms to determine the best degree of loudness for giving instructions & commands. The speaker asked simple questions, each in a different degree of loudness. Invariably the answers came back in the same degree of loudness. When the question was soft, the answer that came back was soft. When the question was loud, the answer was loud.
77. The amazing fact that came out of the tests, however, was the discovery that the people on the receiving end simply could not help being influenced by the tones of the speaker. No matter how hard they tried, their own tones became louder or softer in exact proportion to the loudness or softness of the speaker's.
How to Control Anger in Others
78. You actually can use this scientific knowledge to keep another person from becoming angry, if you start in time. One thing is certain. The louder you talk, the angrier you become. Psychology has proven that if you keep your voice soft you will not become angry. Psychology has accepted as scientific the old Biblical injunction, "A soft answer turns away wrath."--Prov.15:1.
79. Knowing these two facts, you can control the other person's emotions to an amazing degree. When you find yourself in an explosive situation--one of those "tense situations" that seems likely to get out of hand at almost any minute--deliberately lower the tone of your voice & keep it soft. This will literally force the other fellow to keep his own voice soft. And he can't become angry & emotional as long as he keeps his voice pitched in a soft tone. If you wait until the other person becomes angry, it won't work--but you can turn anger away before it arrives by using this technique.
Enthusiasm Is Catching
80. Do you want others to become enthusiastic over your ideas, the goods you are selling, your plans? Then remember the psychological law that says: Adopt the attitude & action you want the other fellow to express.
81. Enthusiasm is more catching than the measles. So are indifference & lack of enthusiasm. Have you ever walked into a store where the clerks were draped lazily over the counters with a look of bored indifference on their faces? Have you ever asked a sales clerk a question about merchandise & had him answer you with a bored, "I don't know", which carried an implied, "and furthermore I don't care"?
82. Chances are that you didn't like it, & left without buying anything--without quite knowing why. Analyse it, however, & you'll see that the clerk actually made you indifferent & took away whatever interest you might have had. Subconsciously you were saying to yourself, "Well, if the person who sells this merchandise isn't any more enthusiastic about it than this, it must not be worth my enthusiasm either."
83. The best testimony I have ever run across to prove that you can control the enthusiasm of others is Frank Bettger's book, How I Raised Myself from Failure to Success in Selling. Bettger was a failure until the age of 29. He almost starved to death when he first tried to make a living selling. Then he set out deliberately to make himself enthusiastic. He stopped trying to make others enthusiastic about his product by a direct frontal attack. Instead, he concentrated on being enthusiastic. And as he became enthusiastic, he found that others also became so & bought from him. He went on to become one of the most successful salesmen this country has ever produced.
Confidence Breeds Confidence: How to Make the Most of It
84. Just as you can make others enthusiastic by being enthusiastic, you can make others have confidence in you & in your proposition by acting confidently.
85. It is a sad but true fact that many men of mediocre ability get further than others who have outstanding talents, merely because they know how to act confidently.
86. All the great leaders of men have known the importance of acting in a confident way. Napoleon, although perhaps not a good example of good human relations in many other ways, did know the magic of the confident manner & used it to an endless degree. After his first exile, when the French Army was sent out to get him, he didn't run or hide. Instead, he went out boldly to meet them. One man against an army. Yet, his supreme confidence that he was master of the situation worked magic. He acted as if he expected the army to take commands from him, & the soldiers marched back behind him.
87. Henry Ford financed his company in its early days largely through using a confident manner. Although he was having a hard time making ends meet, he kept as much cash on hand as possible. When investors & creditors would come around he would let them know, in one way or another, the amount of cash he had. He didn't bother to tell them that practically all his assets were in cash. He had his back to the wall more than once, but by acting as if he could not fail--and as if he meant to be a success--he inspired others with his same confidence.
88. John D. Rockefeller used the same technique, although he too often operated on the edge of bankruptcy. When a creditor came calling & subtly suggested he would like to have his bill paid, Rockefeller would reach for his checkbook with a flourish. "Which would you rather have," he would ask, "cash or Standard Oil stock?" He appeared so calm & confident that nearly all decided to take stock in his company, & none ever lived to regret it.
Money in the Bank for Salesmen
89. Bob Whitney, president of National Sales Executives, New York City, told me recently, "Les, a confident manner in a salesman is like having money in the bank. Act confident. Look confident. And you'll find that you begin to feel more confident. More important, your prospects will begin to have more confidence in you. I've seen mediocre salesmen make a good record because they knew how to act & talk in a confident manner. And I've seen men who apparently knew all the answers about theoretical salesmanship fail miserably because they did not have this knack of displaying the confident manner."
How to Put Magnetism in Your Personality
90. Bob Bale, founder of the famous Bob Bale Personality Institute, tells me that this same feeling of confidence & the adoption of a confident manner is one of the most important things you can do to make yourself a more interesting, dynamic personality.
91. "No one likes a wishy-washy, namby-pamby sort of person who acts as if he didn't quite know what he was talking about or what he wants," says Bob.
92. "We instinctively like the person who knows what he wants, & acts as if he expects to get it. People don't like doubters or failures. If you want people to like you, let them know that you expect to win. Hold up your head. Look the other person in the eye. Walk as if you had somewhere to go & meant to get there. I have seen men & women completely change their personalities by a deliberate adoption of the confident manner."
93. Remember, if you believe in yourself & act as if you believe in yourself, others will believe in you.
Little Things Give You Away
94. You can't look inside a man's skull & see how much confidence is inside it. But confidence has a way of showing itself in little subtle ways. And while we may never have analysed just why we have confidence in another person, subconsciously we all judge others by these little "signs" or "clues" that give them away.
95. A. Watch your walk. Our physical actions express our mental attitudes. If you see a man walking along with shoulders bent & drooped, you can know that his burdens are almost too heavy for him to bear. He acts as if he were carrying a heavy weight around with him. (He probably is, in the form of discouragement & despair.) When something is weighing down a man's spirit, it invariably weighs down his body. He droops. The man with a feeling of confidence steps out boldly. His shoulders are back, & his eyes are looking out & up to some goal he feels he can attain.
96. B. Your tattle-tale handshake. Writing for Your Life magazine, John D. Murphy, in an article called "Your Tattle-Tale Handshake," says that the way you shake hands tells the other person far more than you suspect about the way you feel about yourself. The limp, dish-rag type handshaker is low on self-confidence. If he tries to act arrogant & powerful, as many people do who are low on selfconfidence, you know he is bluffing. The bone-crusher is apt to be compensating for a lack of self-confidence. He goes to too great an extreme to impress you that he really is confident. The firm, but not crushing handshake, with just a little squeeze in it that says, "I'm alive. I've got a firm grasp of things," is the handshake that denotes self-confidence.
97. C. Your tone of voice. Actually we express ourselves through our voices more than in any other way. The voice is the most highly developed means of communication between human beings. But your voice communicates more than ideas. It also communicates your feelings about yourself. Begin to listen to your own voice. Does it express hopelessness or courage? Have you, without realising it, gotten into the habit of talking in a whining way? Do you speak up confidently--or mumble?
How to Use the Only Way to Make People Do Better
98. Winston Churchill, who was truly a master in the art of dealing with people, once said, "I have found that the best way to get another to acquire a virtue, is to impute it to him." Let the other fellow know you think he can be trusted & he will prove himself trustworthy.
99. In the little town of Sunset, Louisiana, there is a banker by the name of Robert J. Castile, head of the Bank of Sunset & Trust Company, who has made hundreds of loans without collateral or co-signers. He even loans money to high school graduates, who are minors, without the signature of their parents. He has financed more than 300 college educations for needy students.
100. Out of more than half-a-million dollars so loaned during the past 15 years, the bank has not lost one cent. The magic is simply that the borrowers are made to know that they are getting the money for one reason & one reason only: The bank expects them to repay, & the bank has faith in them to repay. In 1945, the bank loaned $2,000 to an unemployed man who had no assets whatever, not even a place to live for his family. Every penny was paid back within four years.
101. Long ago Emerson said, "Trust men & they will be true to you." Try it. You'll find that it is not just a platitude, but that it works.
102. We are not the same person to every person we meet. No man, woman, or child is wholly good or wholly bad. We all have different sides to our personality. Nearly always, the side that we present is the side that the other fellow brings out in us. It doesn't pay to prejudge people & decide that so-and-so is a crotchety old skinflint, just because someone you know had that experience with him. Your friend might have brought out the crotchety side of the other fellow. By using common sense & psychology you may be able to bring out a good & generous side. Anyway, it's worth a try.
103. Points to Ponder
1) Whether you realise it or not, you control the actions & attitudes of others by your own actions & attitudes.
2) Your own attitudes are reflected back to you from the other person almost as if you stood before a mirror.
3) Act or feel hostile & the other fellow reflects this hostility back to you. Shout at him, & he is almost compelled to shout back. Act calmly & unemotionally, & you turn away his anger before it gets started.
4) Act enthusiastic & you arouse the enthusiasm of the other person.
5) Act confidently & the other person has confidence in you.
6) Begin today deliberately to cultivate an enthusiastic attitude. Take a tip from Frank Bettger & act as if you were enthusiastic. Soon you'll feel enthusiastic.
7) Right now, begin deliberately to cultivate a confident manner. Don't mumble your words as if you were afraid to express them. Speak out. Watch your posture. A slumped figure signifies that you find the burdens of life too heavy for you to bear. A drooping head signifies that you are defeated by life. Hold your head up. Straighten up your shoulders. Walk with a confident step, as if you had somewhere important to go.
How You Can Create a Good First Impression on Other People
104. A musician can often listen to the very first note of a piece of music & tell you in what key the composition is written. In most cases a composition will begin on the same note as the key. If the piece is written in B flat, for example, the first main chord will be B flat. You will also find that most musical compositions end on the same keynote.
105. What has all this to do with human relations? Quite a lot.
106. The manner in which we approach the other fellow, our very first words & actions, nearly always sound the "keynote" for the entire conversation. If you begin by clowning around with a person, it is very difficult to move the conversation into a different key. He just won't take you seriously.
107. Everybody in the World is literally waiting for you to tell them what to do. You can control the actions & attitudes of the other person to a remarkable extent if you will remember to start the conversation with him on the same keynote that you want it to end on. If you want him to take you seriously, sound that keynote in your very first words. If you want it to be business-like, start off in a business-like tone. If you want it to be informal, start off in an informal tone.
108. Remember, the other person will "rise to the occasion." He will act out his role on the stage setting that you provide. Unless you want to be on the defensive during the entire conversation, do not begin with an apologetic attitude. A door-to-door salesman knocks on a door & when the housewife answers, says, "I hate to bother you, Ma'am," or "I won't take up much of your time," & without realising it he is controlling the attitude of the housewife. He is setting a stage where she can only act out the role of a person who is being bothered & whose time is being taken up.
109. Another way we can control the actions & attitudes of others is to remember that the very first impression we give them is apt to be the lasting impression they have of us. That first meeting usually sounds the keynote. From then on, it is more difficult to get the other fellow to change his opinion of you.
Other People Accept You at Your Own Appraisal
110. You yourself are more responsible for how you are accepted than anyone else. Many people worry about what other people will think of them. But few realise that the World forms its opinion of us largely from the opinion we have of ourselves. This too, is based on a law of psychology that is as certain as the law of gravitation.
111. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "It is a maxim (principle) worthy of all acceptation that a man may have that position he takes. Take the place & attitude which belong to you, & all men acquiesce (agree). The World...leaves it to every man, with profound unconcern, to set his own rate. Hero or driveller (fool), it meddles not in the matter. It will certainly accept your own measure of your doing & being, whether you sneak about & deny your own name, or whether you see your work produced to the concave (curved) sphere of the Heavens, one with the revolution of the stars."
112. If you aren't accepted as you would like to be, maybe you should blame yourself. Act as if you were a nobody, & the World will take you at your own value. Act as if you were a somebody, & the World has no choice but to treat you as somebody.
How Many People Unwittingly Create a Bad Impression
113. People judge you not only by the value you put on yourself, they judge you by the value you put on other things: Your job, your work, even your competition.
114. There is a verse in the Bible that says, "Judge not that ye be not judged." It is a good text for human relations. For every time we judge something, we give other people a clue to judging US.
115. An attorney who handles many divorce cases said to me, "Often when a husband or wife begins to tell me all the mean, unpleasant things the other partner has done, I learn more about the person who is doing the talking than I learn about the person being talked about." Negative talk & negative opinions give a bad impression.
116. Don't knock the competition. It is surprising how many salesmen have never learned that people do not like knockers--even people who knock competition. Never knock the other fellow or the other fellow's product if you want to make a good impression. Instead, boost your own product. Not only do people dislike negative talk--and knocking is certainly negative--but also, you set a negative stage. You set the stage for a negative mood--and then wonder why you can't get the prospect to say yes. Besides this, the subconscious mind of the other fellow is smart enough to reason out, "The competition must really be something, or this fellow wouldn't be so afraid of it & go to such lengths to knock it."
Getting People to Say "Yes" to You
117. Don't expect a "yes" response from the other fellow, if you set a negative stage. The well-known psychologist, Harry Overstreet, in his book Influencing Human Behaviour, says that the best way ever discovered by psychology to get a "yes" response is to put the other fellow in a "yes" mood. You do this by creating a positive & affirmative atmosphere, rather than a negative one.
118. One good rule is to get the other fellow to say "Yes" to a number of preliminary questions. "Isn't this a beautiful colour?" or "Don't you agree this is fine workmanship?" After the other person has answered "Yes" five or six times to these preliminary questions, it is much easier for him to say "Yes" to your big question.
119. Your question often sets the stage for the answer. Another rule to employ in getting a "Yes" answer is to ask a question where the answer is implied in the question. Instead of saying, "Do you like this?", say, "I believe you like this one, don't you?" Instead of saying, "Do you like this colour?", say, "This certainly is a beautiful color, isn't it?" or "Isn't this a beautiful color?"
120. Another rule for helping people say "Yes" is to nod your head affirmatively as you ask the question. Remember, your actions influence the actions of the other person.
Assume that the Other Person Will Do What You Want
121. Dr. Albert Edward Wiggam, says, "Hardly anything is stronger in suggestion than the calm assumption that the other fellow is going to do what you want him to do."
122. One of the most successful men I know of in getting people to do things--and do them gladly--is Dr. Pierce P. Brooks, president of National Banker's Life Insurance Company, Dallas, Texas.
123. When I asked Dr. Brooks the secret of getting people to do things, he said, "I seldom, if ever, ask anyone if he will do something. I always try to find some personal reason why the other fellow would want to do it, then just assume that he does want to do it, & is going to do it. I let them know that I believe they can do it, that I have confidence in their ability, that I trust them to do a good job--then leave them alone & let them do it. Constantly looking over a man's shoulder implies that you do not quite trust him to do a good job. I assume that he is going to do a good job, & I'm very seldom disappointed."
124. When a famous newspaper reporter called at the editorial offices of the Christian Science Monitor, he looked around & did not see any "No Smoking" signs. So he asked, "Is there a rule against smoking in here?"
"No," said the editor. "There is no rule. But nobody ever has."
Although the reporter was a chain-smoker, & he was told there was no rule against it--he found he simply could not smoke, so strong was the influence of knowing he was not expected to smoke.
125. Points to Ponder
1) In dealing with other people, you yourself sound the keynote for the entire theme, when you begin talking.
2) If you start off on a note of formality, the conversation will be formal. Start off on a note of friendliness & the conversation will be friendly. Set the stage for a business-like discussion, & it will be business-like. Start on a note of apology & the other person will force you to play that theme all the way through.
3) When you meet someone for the first time, the impression you make then may be the keynote that will determine how he regards you for the rest of your life.
4) Other people tend to accept you at your own evaluation. If you think you are a nobody, you are practically asking other people to snub you.
5) One of the best means ever discovered for impressing the other fellow favourably is not to strive too hard to make an impression, but to let him know that he is making a good impression on you.
6) People judge you not only by the opinion you hold of yourself, but also by the opinions you hold on other things: Your job, your company, even your competition.
7) Negative opinions create a negative atmosphere. Don't be a knocker, & don't be a sorehead.
8) The way in which you ask things sets the stage or sounds the keynote for the other person's answer. Don't ask "no" questions if you want "yes" answers. Don't ask questions or issue instructions that imply you expect trouble. Why ask for trouble?
Chapter Two
How to Use Three Big Secrets for Attracting People
126. What is the secret of an attractive personality? We have all known them, those people who just seem to attract other people & friends. We say that people are drawn to such a personality, or "he just draws people to him." Such phrases are very descriptive, for you can't force people to like you, but you can draw them to you if you supply food to feed three basic human hungers.
The Triple-A Formula for Attracting People
127. Here are three basic hungers that all normal human beings have. You might call this the "Triple-A" Technique for winning friends. For when you use these three "A's," with an understanding of what is behind them, you'll find more & more people automatically warming up to you.
128. A. Acceptance. Acceptance is a vitamin. We all hunger to be accepted as we are. We want someone we can relax with, someone we can let our hair down & take our shoes off with. Very few of us are brave enough to "be ourselves" completely when dealing with the World in general. But we like to have somebody that we can be ourselves with, someone we can afford to be ourselves with, because we know we will be accepted.
129. The critical, fault-finding type of person, who always sees where others fall short & can usually also suggest a remedy, is never going to be stampeded by crowds rushing to be his close friends.
130. Don't set up rigid personal standards of how you think other people ought to act. Give the other person the right to be himself. If he's a little peculiar, let him be. Don't insist that he do everything you do & like everything you like. Let him relax when he is around you.
131. Strangely enough, the people who accept people, & like them just as they are, have the most influence in changing the other person's behaviour for the better. Many a married man who has changed from a wild & wooly character into a solid citizen will tell you (if you can get him to talk about it) that the one thing which enabled him to change was, "The faith my wife had in me," or that, "My wife just believed in me. She never criticised or nagged, but just kept on believing in me. Somehow I just had to change."
132. As one psychologist expressed it, "No one has the power to reform another person, but by liking the other person as he is, you give him the power to change himself."
133. B. Approval. The second magic "A" that everyone hungers for is approval. Approval goes a little further than acceptance. Acceptance is mostly negative in comparison. We accept the other person with his faults & short-comings & still accord him our friendship. But approval means something more positive. It goes beyond just tolerating another's faults, & finds something positive that we can like.
134. You can always find something to approve of in the other person--and you can always find something to disapprove of. It depends upon what you're looking for. If you are a negative type personality, you are always looking for flaws, always on the lookout for things you can disapprove of. If you're a positive type personality, you're on the lookout for things you can approve of.
135. Negative personalities literally bring out the worst in us, for they highlight all the things that are wrong with us. Positive personalities bring out the good in us, by highlighting something they can approve of. We bask in the sunlight of their approval, & the feeling is so good that we start trying to develop other traits & characteristics to draw approval & give us that good feeling all over again.
136. We are all hungry for approval. And it doesn't have to be a big thing in order to satisfy our hunger. Praise a stock broker about his ability to buy & sell stocks & it has little effect on him. He is apt to think you are merely flattering him, because his success as a stock broker is too obvious. But if you will let him know that you approve of the way he broils a steak over charcoal, for example, he will call your name blessed.
137. A good rule to remember in complimenting people is this: People are more pleased at a compliment if you praise them for some virtue that is not glaringly obvious. If a man has the physique of a Greek god, the chances are that he knows this already, & there is little doubt in his mind about it. He doesn't need any confirmation. But he may be good at other things, which are not so obvious. Seek these out & praise him for them, & watch him glow!
138. C. Appreciation is magic. Another basic hunger is the hunger for appreciation. The word "appreciate" really means to raise in value, or the opposite of "depreciate", which means to lower in value. We are always looking for people who will raise us in value, rather than lower us in value.
139. Dr. Pierce P. Brooks told me recently that the success of his insurance companies is due in large part to the motto: "We appreciate our agents." When I asked how such a simple motto could work such a miracle (a leading insurance magazine recently described the growth of his companies as "miraculous"), he pointed out the fact that "appreciate" is just the opposite of "depreciate".
140. "We value our agents highly," he said, "and we let them know we value them highly. We know that the success of any company depends upon the success of its agents. They are important to us. We think they are the best in the business--and all our dealings with them are on that basis. When you appreciate a person, you actually make him more valuable & more successful."
Other People Are Valuable to You
141. Stop & consider just how valuable other people are to you--your wife, husband, children, your boss, your employees, your customers. Emphasise their value in your own mind. Then figure out little ways to let the other person know you value him highly. And always remember that people are the most important, the most valuable things on earth. Here are a few ways to show appreciation. Give it a little thought & you can think of many more:
A. Don't keep people waiting, if you can help it.
B. If you have a caller whom you cannot see immediately, acknowledge his presence & let him know you will see him as soon as possible.
C. Thank people.
D. Treat people as "special."
We Like to Be Singled Out, Not Considered One of the Mob
142. We like to go to those restaurants where we are given individual treatment. It doesn't have to be much. Perhaps the head waiter only calls you by name, & says, "Mr. Jones, you'll be happy to know we have shish-kebab tonight."
"We don't usually do this, but in your case I'm going to make an exception," someone says to us. We glow all over.
"Mrs. Smith, I am personally going to take care of this matter & see that you get what you want."
143. Even children respond to this magic. They don't like to be treated as "children," but as individuals. Don't compare your child with the kid down the street. This only depreciates him. Many a man, when introducing his family, will single out his wife as an individual person--"This is Mrs. Jones"--and dismiss with a wave of the hand his three children--"and these are the children." Why depersonalise them? Why not introduce them the same as you would any other individual person?
144. By the same token, when you're introduced to a teenager, acknowledge the introduction the same as if you were being introduced to the president of a bank. Instead of just waving your hand & saying, "Hi," why not shake hands & say, "Hello, Daryl, I'm very happy to meet you!"?
145. Points to Ponder
1) The real secret of an attractive personality is to offer other people the food they are hungry for. People are as hungry for certain things as flies are for honey.
2) Use the Triple-A Formula for attracting people:
A. Acceptance. Accept people as they are. Allow them to be themselves. Don't insist on anyone being perfect before you can like him. Don't fashion a moral strait jacket & expect others to wear it in order to gain your acceptance. Above all, don't bargain for acceptance. Don't say, in substance, "I'll accept you if you'll do this or that, or change your ways to suit me."
B. Approval. Look for something to approve in the other person. It may be something small or insignificant. But let the other person know you approve that, & the number of things you can sincerely approve of will begin to grow. When the other person gets a taste of your genuine approval, he will begin to change his behaviour so that he will be approved for other things.
C. Appreciation. To appreciate means to raise in value, as opposed to depreciate, which means to lower in value. Let other people know that you value them. Treat other people as if they were valuable to you. Don't keep them waiting. Thank them. Give them "special," individual treatment.
Chapter Three
How to Make the Other Fellow Feel Friendly--Instantly
146. Have you ever known one of those fellows who "never met a stranger?" He seems to make friends instantly. He sits down next to someone on a bus & right away they are talking away as if they were old friends. He calls upon a prospect, & the prospect starts right off dealing with him as if they had been old friends all their lives.
147. On the other hand we have all known people who are "nice"--once you get to know them--but are hard to get to know. The first class seem to have some magic--almost as if they can "turn on" a friendly feeling in the other fellow, while the second, "hard-to-get-to-know" type are handicapped in getting along in the World. While they are "warming up" to the other fellow, some "easy-to-know" fellow has already taken the business & gone.
148. I learned about these "easy-to-know" types when I was in college. I was a little on the shy side as far as girls were concerned. If I saw a good-looking girl, I would want to ask her for a date, but instead would tell myself, "She wouldn't like it if I just went up & asked her for a date. She would probably think I was being too fresh. She probably has a date anyway, probably going steady with the best-looking boy in school & wouldn't even consider going out with me."
149. So I'd sit back & think about ways that I could get introduced to her, & what I was going to say to her. Sometimes, I'd get up enough nerve to start a conversation with a girl I didn't know, & I'd walk up to her & mumble out my little prepared speech, & nine times out of ten the girl would react just as I had pictured in my imagination that she would react. She'd either put on a show of indignation & say, "I don't believe I know you," or she would appear to be amused by my awkward manner.
150. Now with my roommate all this was different. He was one of those "easy-to-know" types. He'd walk up to a girl he'd never seen before in his life, start a conversation, & in two minutes they'd be laughing & talking like old friends. No one ever called him "fresh." They actually seemed to like his bold approach.
How I Learned My Roommate's Secret
151. Finally, one day I got him to tell me his secret. "You've got to believe the other fellow is going to like you," he said. Well, with that clue, I got to watching my roommate more closely. He was as popular with the boys on the campus as he was with the girls. Everyone seemed to like him. He even worked his magic on the professors. He could get by with things in class that I would have been thrown out for. Yet, the professors would just laugh, & seemed to think he was a fine fellow. And as I watched him operate, I noticed that he always acted just as if the other fellow's friendly response was a foregone conclusion. Because he believed other people would like him, he acted as if they would like him. In short, he assumed the attitude he expected the other person to take.
152. Another thing I noticed was this: Because he was thoroughly convinced that the other person would be friendly, he was not afraid of people. He was not on the defensive.
Fear of People Drives Them Away
153. Fear is one of the greatest handicaps to getting to know people quickly & getting off on a friendly footing. You are afraid that the other fellow will not like you, so you hole up in your shell, like a snail that thinks it is about to be attacked. People can't get close to you because you're so far back in your defensive shell. And because our own attitudes are catching, & have an influence on the other fellow, he begins to withdraw also.
154. Nothing is truer in the field of human relations than this: If your basic attitude is that other people will be unfriendly or that "people just don't like me"--your experience will prove it to be so. But if you have the basic attitude that "Most people are friendly, & want to be friendly toward me," again your experience will prove it so.
Take a Chance He's Friendly. The Odds Are in Your Favour
155. Get over your fear that the other person will "snub you." Take the risk. Bet on his being friendly. You won't win every time, but the odds are heavily in your favour. Remember that most people do crave friendship, just as you do. It is a universal craving. The reason the other fellow does not always appear friendly may be that he is afraid of you, afraid that you will reject him.
156. Take the initiative. Don't wait for some token of friendship from the other fellow. Make the first move. And chances are you'll see him begin to warm up.
Work Miracles with a Smile
157. Another thing I noticed about my college roommate: He was always smiling. He was the smilingest fellow I ever met. If you think of the easy-to-know people that you know, you will find that without exception they are great smilers. They are cheerful & laugh a lot. A real, sincere smile works almost like a "magic switch" that turns on a friendly feeling in the other fellow instantly.
Smile from Way Down Deep
158. Voice teachers are always telling their pupils to "breathe deep" & let their voices come from "way down deep."
159. If you want your smile to be a friend-maker, it, too, must come from way down deep. In this case, not from the diaphragm--but from the heart. A smile that goes no further than the lips is no good. Remember, it is not gimmicks which influence the other person, but your true feelings about them.
How to Develop a Genuine Smile
160. If you have trouble conjuring up a "smiley" feeling at first, don't worry about it. Go ahead & go through the motions anyway. Say the word "cheese" to yourself in the mirror. Get your smile muscles warmed up, & you'll begin to feel more optimistic. Our actions determine our feelings just as much as our feelings determine our actions. William James once said that it is impossible to feel pessimistic when you have the corners of your mouth turned up--and impossible to feel optimistic when you have the corners of your mouth turned down.
What Else Has the Magic of a Smile?
161. What else can perform the magic of a smile?
- Pay someone a compliment--and smile--and it multiplies the compliment many times.
- Ask someone a favour--and smile--and he feels almost compelled to grant it.
- Accept a favour from someone else--and smile--and you add to the appreciation the other fellow feels.
- Meet someone for the first time--and smile--and he feels like he's known you all his life.
162. You couldn't buy a magic elixir like that if you had all the money in the World. Yet the good Lord gave you just such magic. All you have to do is bring it out of hiding, dust it off, & put it to use.
163. Points to Ponder
1) Human relations often become deadlocked because each party is afraid to make the first move.
2) Don't wait for a sign from the other fellow. Assume that he is going to be friendly, & act accordingly.
3) Assume the attitude that you wish the other person to take. Act as if you expected him to like you.
4) Take a chance that the other fellow will be friendly. It is always a gamble, but you'll win 99 times for every time you lose, if you'll just bet on his being friendly. Refuse to take the chance, & you'll lose every time.
5) Don't be an eager-beaver. Don't be overly anxious. Don't knock yourself out trying to make the other fellow like you. Remember, there is such a thing as being too charming & trying too hard.
6) Just relax & take for granted that other people do like you.
7) Use the magic of your smile to warm up the other fellow.
8) Starting today, begin to develop a genuine smile by practising before your bathroom mirror. You know what a real smile looks like when you see one. Your mirror will tell you whether your smile is real or phoney. Also, going through the motions of smiling will get you in the habit, & actually make you feel more like smiling.
How You Can Develop Skill in Using Words
164. Success often depends as much upon your ability or inability to talk as upon your ability to do your job. Wilfred Funk, editorial director of Your Life magazine, made a study of thousands of successful men & women, looking for some one common denominator. He found that the one thing that all these people had in common was skill in using words.
165. Our happiness, too, depends to a great extent upon our ability to express our ideas, desires, hopes, ambitions, or disappointments to other people by the use of talk.
How to "Strike Up" a Conversation
166. Many people are handicapped because they do not know how to start a conversation, especially with a stranger. They have a wealth of interesting ideas on tap, if they only knew how to turn them on. But they hold back because it would seem inane to start off abruptly with some profound observation on the nature of Man or the universe, & they are afraid they will be thought dull or obvious if they come out with something as trite as, "Well, it looks as if it might rain."
167. William James hit the nail on the head when he said that the reason so many people find it difficult to be good conversationalists is that they are "afraid of either saying something too trivial & obvious, or something insincere, or something unworthy of one's listener, or in some way or other not adequate to the occasion."
168. His remedy was, "Conversation does flourish & society is refreshing...whenever people take the brakes off their hearts, & let their tongues wag as automatically & irresponsibly as they will."
169. Be willing to go through a "warm-up" period in starting conversation. Don't expect to be "hot" at the very beginning. Listen to the experts on television. They know that small talk not only can start a conversation for them, but that it can be used to warm up & influence the other person.
170. Get him talking about himself. The next time you are introduced to someone & "cannot think of a thing to say," take a lesson from these TV & radio experts. Try warming up the other fellow with such questions as these:
"Where are you from, Mr. Jones?"
"How long do you plan on being in our city?"
"What do you think of our weather?"
"Do you have a family?"
"What business are you in?"
171. There are sure-fire warmer-uppers because they get the other fellow talking about himself. They break the ice & thaw out the other fellow, because they show that you are interested in him. You do not have to look for a topic he can talk about. You start him right off on the one topic that he is an expert on--himself.
172. The art of being a good conversationalist consists not so much in thinking up a lot of clever things to say, or heroic experiences you can relate, but in opening up the other fellow & getting him to talk.
173. If you can stimulate other people to talk, you will acquire a reputation as a good conversationalist. Moreover, if you can get the other fellow talking, & keep him talking, nothing will work better to get him to warm up to you, & be more interested in & receptive to your ideas, when you are talking.
174. How to ask questions to interest others. Keep the conversation steered to the other fellow's interest by asking questions: Why? Where? How?
When he says, "I've got a little 25-acre place back home in Indiana," don't rush in & say, "Well, I own 500 acres in Texas & have 50 oil wells on it." Instead, say, "Whereabouts in Indiana? What do you have there?"
If he says he has a fishing boat, don't say, "Let me tell you about my private plane." Instead, ask, "How long is it? Is it inboard or outboard? How long have you had it?"
"Why did you do that?"
"How did you manage that?"
"What did you say then?"
These, & similar questions, will get you a reputation as one of the most interesting talkers that your companion has ever met.
175. Use the "me-too" technique. One time when it is psychologically right to bring yourself into the conversation is when you can tell the other person something about yourself that will tie in to something he has said, or form a bond between you.
If he says, "I was raised on a farm," & you say, "So was I," & tell a little about your farm experiences, it makes him feel more important.
If he mentions that he eats ice cream for breakfast, & it happens that you do too--by all means tell him. If he says he was born in the little town of Swampwater, & it happens that you used to spend all your summer vacations there--tell him about it.
The Magic of Agreement
176. The reason that bringing yourself into the conversation in a way that forms a common bond between you is flattering to the other person is this: By so doing, you are in effect saying, "I agree with you." "I am that way, too." "I like that, too." "I believe that way myself." "I am somewhat like you." Anything about you or your past experience that shows you are like the other person will help him to like you automatically.
177. Even if there are points on which you know you must disagree with the other person, always seek out some points on which you can agree. When you have established some ground, however small, on which you can agree, you will find it much easier to get together on those issues on which you disagree.
What Your Best Friend Won't Tell You
178. If you want to be popular through your conversation, try to overcome the temptation to kid, to tease, or to be sarcastic.
179. Most of us kid other people because we think they will like it. Husbands tease their wives in public out of the mistaken notion that it is a cute way to show affection. We make sarcastic remarks, hoping that the other fellow will recognise our cleverness, see the humour in the sarcasm, & not take personal offence.
180. However, teasing & kidding are both aimed at the self-esteem of the other person. And anything that threatens self-esteem is dangerous business, even when it's done in fun. Sarcasm always has a cruel element about it, & is always calculated to make the other person feel small.
181. Research polls have shown that people do not like to be kidded, even by their close friends. However, we do not like our friends to know we dislike kidding, for fear they will think us a poor sport. So even your best friend won't tell you that he doesn't like it.
182. Only in very rare instances, & between very close friends, is kidding ever taken in good grace, & then only if it is on some minor matter, & not pursued too long. If the other person has known you long enough, likes you well enough, & you do not overdo it, you may get by with kidding. But the odds are so great against it that it is much safer not to try.
183. Points to Ponder
1) Both success & happiness depend in large measure on our ability to express ourselves. Therefore, start today to study ways to improve your talk. Keep at it day after day.
2) Practice starting conversations with strangers by using the warm-up technique of asking simple questions, or making obvious observations.
3) To be a good conversationalist, stop trying to be perfect, & don't be afraid to be trite. Nuggets & gems in conversation come only after you have dug a lot of low-grade ore.
4) Ask questions to bring out interesting talk from others.
5) Encourage the other person to talk about himself. Talk about the other person's interests.
6) Use the "me-too" technique to identify yourself with the speaker & his interests.
7) Talk about yourself only when you are invited to do so by the other person. If he wants to know about you, he'll ask.
8) Use "Happy Talk." Remember, nobody likes a Gloomy Gus or a prophet of doom. Keep your troubles to yourself.
9) Eliminate kidding, teasing, & sarcasm from your conversation.
Chapter Four
How to Use the Technique that a Supreme Court Justice Called "White Magic"
184. When a would-be politician asked Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes for advice on how to get elected to office, Justice Holmes wrote him:
To be able to listen to others in a sympathetic & understanding manner is perhaps the most effective mechanism in the world for getting along with people & tying up their friendship for good. Too few people practice the "white magic" of being good listeners.
185. In a way, each of us is "running for office" every day of our lives. The people we meet & talk with are constantly sizing us up, analysing us, appraising us. In their own minds they "vote" either for us or against us. They give us a vote of confidence or a vote of distrust. They decide in favour of doing business with us, or not, as the case may be. More times than you realise, the one deciding factor is, "How well did you listen?"
Listening Makes You "Clever"
186. Most of us want the other fellow to think we are clever, intelligent, "smart." But the person who goes around always making "smart remarks," always knocking himself out to be "clever," is not voted in by the other fellow as a "clever person." Instead he gets elected to the classification of "smart-aleck," "blow-hard," or "egotist."
187. There is one sure way, however, to convince the other fellow that you are one of the wisest, most intelligent persons he has ever met: Listen, & pay attention to what he has to say. The fact that you attach enough importance to what he is saying that you listen attentively, so as not to miss a single word, proves to him that you are a very smart person.
Listening Helps Overcome Self-consciousness
188. Another bit of "white magic" that listening can perform is to help you overcome self-consciousness & self-centredness.
189. And if all your attention is on the other fellow--what he is saying, what he wants, what his needs are--you can't be self-conscious, shut off from the other fellow.
190. Don't try too hard. William James said that the reason most conversation is dull is that each party is trying too hard. When each party makes a conscious effort to "think of something important" to say, he is afraid that what he has to say will not merit the approval of the other fellow. If they would but relax, said James, open their mouths & let it come out, their chances of saying something really appropriate would be increased tremendously.
191. One of the highest compliments you can pay another person is simply to listen to him. By your patient listening you say to him, "You are worth listening to." You increase his self-esteem, for every human being likes to think he "has something to say" that is worth saying.
192. On the other hand, one of the most deflating things you can do to the other fellow's ego is to brush him off before hearing what he has to say. Remember, people like to be "paid attention to."
193. Ever hear a wife say of her husband, "He never hears a word I say. I could say to him, `The hot water tank just blew up,' & all he'd say would be, `Is that right?' & go right on reading his paper." Maybe you haven't heard this, but marital counsellors hear it every day!
Seven Ways to Practice Listening
194. This art of listening is so important, don't pass it over without putting it into practice. Perhaps you read something that sounds good, are convinced it's true, then resolve to put it into practice. But if you don't check yourself, you forget all about it in a day or two. One way to overcome this is to list some definite things to do & start doing them.
195. So "nail-down" the knowledge you gained from reading this & don't let it get away. Starting right now, practice the following:
A. Look at the person who is talking. Anybody worth listening to is worth looking at. It'll also help you concentrate on what he's saying.
B. Appear deeply interested in what he is saying. If you agree, nod your head. If he tells a story, smile. Respond to his cue. Work with him.
C. Lean toward the person who is talking. Ever notice you have a tendency to lean toward an interesting talker, & lean away from a dull one?
D. Ask questions. This lets the person who is talking know that you are still listening.
E. Don't interrupt; instead, ask him to tell more. Most people are highly complimented if you don't interrupt them until they're through. But they're doubly complimented if you draw them out. "Would you mind going into that last point a little more fully?"--or, "I'd like to know a little more about what you were saying concerning such & such."
F. Stick to the speaker's subject. Don't change subjects on a person until he is finished, no matter how anxious you are to get started on a new one.
G. Use the speaker's words to get your own point across. When the other fellow has finished talking, repeat back to him some of the things he has said. This not only proves you've been listening, but is a good way to introduce your own ideas without opposition.
Preface some of your own remarks with, "As you pointed out," or, "It's just like you said."
How to Get Others to See Things Your Way...Quickly!
196. Every day, some situation arises wherein we need to persuade another person to accept our own viewpoint. Some point of disagreement comes up with wife, husband, child, boss, neighbour, customer, employee, friend, or relative. "If only I could get him to see things my way," we say.
197. The natural thing to do when we run up against a contrary idea or opinion is to argue. It may be only a question of which baseball team is the best--or it may be a question debated by statesmen in the United Nations. Unfortunately, the natural thing is still to attempt to argue down our opponent.
198. When someone opposes our ideas, it is natural for us to take it as a threat & a slap to our own ego. And so it is natural to hit back at his own ego, to become emotional & hostile, to shout, threaten, shame, ridicule, & try to ram our ideas down his throat by intimidation or force. We exaggerate every one of our own so-called reasons or claims, & make light of every one of our opponent's points.
199. But this natural way does not win. Because the only way you can ever really win an argument is to get the other fellow to change his mind.
200. The way to win an argument scientifically is just the opposite method that most of us naturally use. Even organisations that want to get the general public to change its ideas usually make the same mistakes that you & I make when we are arguing about baseball or politics.
201. "Why," asks Science Digest (March, 1954) "is the American public so reluctant to support an adequate civil defence program in view of the repeated demonstrations of the dangers of unpreparedness? And why do so many cancer patients avoid treatment until it is too late, despite all the dramatic warnings issued about the need for early care? One important factor may be that appeals which arouse intense fears, or which constitute threats, are not effective in persuading people to change their opinions or behaviour. This was revealed in a series of 25 experiments conducted by three Yale psychologists."
202. These three Yale psychologists, Carl L. Holland, Irving L. Janis, & Harold H. Kelly, found that the best way to get ideas accepted is to use a low-pressure technique, one of calmly presenting facts, & leaving out threats or attempts at using force.
203. In one experiment, an illustrated 15-minute lecture on dental hygiene was given to three different groups of students. The first group got a "strong" appeal, pointing up the dangers of dental neglect: Tooth decay, diseased gums, & the like.
204. The second group received a "moderate" appeal, in which the dangers were presented, but in a milder & more factual way.
205. The third group received a lecture presenting straight information that hardly touched at all on the dangers of neglect.
206. A week after the talks were given, the students were checked to see which ones had modified their behaviour most & were following the practices recommended in the talks. Surprisingly enough, the third group of students who heard the "soft" appeal, with no scare tactics, were more closely following the practices outlined in the lectures than those who had heard the "scare appeal."
207. Other tests with college students have shown similar results in political arguments. It was found that students were more likely to change their political opinions if the "other side" presented unemotional facts than if they made wild harangues.
208. It all boils down to the theme of this book: You must learn to work with human nature, rather than against it, if you want to have power with people.
209. Tell a man that his ideas are stupid, & he will defend them all the more. Ridicule his position, & he has to defend it to save face. Use threats, or scare tactics, & he simply closes his mind against your ideas, regardless of how good they may be.
Six Tested Rules for Winning Arguments
210. A. Let him state his case. Don't interrupt. Remember the magic of listening. It not only wounds the other person's ego to be interrupted & brushed off; we run into what the psychologists call "mental set". The person with something on his chest has his mental set all geared for talking. And until he has said his piece, his mental set is not tuned for listening to your ideas. If you want your own ideas to be heard, learn to listen first to the other fellow.
211. Asking the other person to repeat his key points is also valuable when the other person comes to you hot under the collar. Merely letting him get it off his chest goes a long way to reduce his feeling of hostility. If you can get him to "play back" his complaint two or three times, it drains off virtually all his emotion or steam.
212. B. Pause before you answer. This rule works equally well in conversation where there is no apparent difference of opinion. When someone asks you a question, look at him & pause slightly before answering. This will let the other person know that you consider what he has said of sufficient importance to "think about it," or "consider it."
213. A slight pause is all that is needed. Pause too long, & you give the impression that you are hemming & hawing, or trying to evade giving a definite answer. If you must disagree with a person, however, the slight pause is important. Come out with a fast "no," & the other fellow feels that you are not interested enough to take time with his opinions.
214. C. Don't insist on winning 100 per cent. Most of us, when we get into an argument, attempt to prove that we are totally & completely right, & the other fellow is wrong on all points. Skilful persuaders, however, always concede something & find some point of agreement.
215. If the other person has a point in his favour, acknowledge it. And if you give in on minor & unimportant points, the other fellow will be much more likely to give in when you come to the big question.
216. D. State your case moderately & accurately. The tendency that we have to watch in trying to get our ideas accepted, when they are opposed, is to exaggerate & make too forceful an appeal. Remember that scientifically proven tests show that calmly stated facts are more effective in getting people to change their minds than are threats & force.
217. One reason we still use the old forceful methods is that they sometimes seem to work. You beat the other fellow down. You show him up. You get him to the point where "he can't say a thing." Your audience applauds, & you think you have won the argument. But the other fellow still hasn't accepted your viewpoint, & he will not act upon your ideas.
218. Benjamin Franklin is generally conceded to have been one of the best idea salesmen of all time. In dealing with foreign nations, he always came out on top, & got what he wanted. He is credited with having put across, against much opposition, the Constitution of the United States.
219. "The way to convince another," said Franklin, "is to state your case moderately & accurately. Then say that of course you may be mistaken about it, which causes your listener to receive what you have to say, and, like as not, turn about & convince you of it, since you are in doubt. But if you go at him in a tone of positiveness & arrogance you only make an opponent of him."
220. E. Speak through third persons. The lawyer who wants to win cases rounds up witnesses who will testify to the points he wants to put over to the jury. He realises that the argument is more convincing if disinterested third persons say that such-and-such happened, rather than if he says it.
221. The star salesman uses testimonials of satisfied users. The candidate for public office gets well-known organisations & individuals to endorse him. If he says, "I'm the most honest, most intelligent, & best qualified candidate in this race," voters may have their doubts. But if the League of Upright Citizens says the same thing, it is likely to carry a lot of weight.
222. F. Let the other person save face. Many times the other fellow would gladly change his mind & agree with you, except for one thing. He has already made a definite commitment--come out with a strong stand, & he cannot change his position in good grace. To agree with you would be to admit he was wrong. And if he has already made definite strong statements opposing your view, he would almost have to admit that he had lied.
223. Skilful persuaders know how to leave the door open so that the other fellow can escape from his previous position without losing face. They leave a loophole that the other fellow can go through. Otherwise, he may find himself a prisoner of his own logic. He cannot escape from his own previous stand. If you would persuade another, you must not only convince him. You must also know how to rescue him from his own argument. Here are two ways:
A. Method No. 1. Assume that the other person did not have all the facts to begin with. "Of course, I can well understand how you might have thought so-and-so, since you did not know about such-and-such at the time."
If the other fellow was wrong, find some excuse for his being wrong.
"Anybody would have thought the same thing under the circumstances."
"I felt the same way about it at first, but then I ran across this information which changes the whole picture."
B. Method No. 2. Suggest some way that he can pass the buck to some other person. A customer of a department store returns a dress. She took it home & her husband did not like it. "It has never been worn," she says.
The sales clerk examines the dress & sees that it shows definite signs of having been dry-cleaned. Now, the sales clerk can show the customer the evidence & prove she is wrong, but she will never admit it, because she has already gone on record as saying, "It has never been worn." So the smart salesclerk gives Mrs. Customer a loophole through which she can escape.
The sales clerk says, "Mrs. Customer, I wonder if this dress could have been sent to the cleaners by mistake. I know the same thing happened to me not long ago. I was out when the cleaning man came & my husband sent a brand new dress out & had it cleaned, along with some other dresses I had in the same closet. I wonder if this could have happened to you--because this dress does show definite signs of having been cleaned."
Mrs. Customer sees the evidence--she knows she is wrong & she has a ready-made excuse for being wrong. There is an open door through which she can escape.
224. Points to Ponder
When you have a difference of opinion with someone, your object should not be to "win an argument," but to get the other person to change his own mind & see things your way. Thus, you must avoid bringing his ego into play. You must slip your "logical reasons" past his ego, then clinch it by leaving him a loophole through which he can escape from his previous position.
The following six rules will help you accomplish this:
1) Let him state his case.
2) Pause momentarily before you answer.
3) Don't insist on winning 100 per cent.
4) State your case moderately & accurately.
5) Speak through third persons.
6) Let the other fellow save face.
Chapter Five
How to Get 100% Cooperation & Increase Your Brain Power
225. Will you try a simple two-step experiment the next time you want someone to help you do something? It doesn't matter whether the job is mowing your lawn, tying up a package, or making your business successful.
226. Step A. First, simply ask someone to, "Help me do this." Tell them what they are expected to do. Offer to pay them to help, if you want, but make it plain they are to be paid only to carry out your own ideas. Make a note of the cooperation you get, & the success of your joint efforts.
227. Step B. Next, approach somebody else & ask for help. Only this time don't just ask the other fellow to help you "do" the job, but also ask him to help you "think" about the job. Ask for his ideas as well as his brawn.
228. Say, "I've got a problem here & I need your help. Here is what I want to accomplish. What do you think about it? Do you have any ideas I could use? What is your opinion of the way I am going about this?" Again, judge the results.
229. Invariably, you will find that although you may get some cooperation & help by using the first method, you get 100 per cent cooperation & much more actual physical work from the other person by using the second method.
230. Industrial psychologists have discovered that it is psychologically impossible for a human being to give us 100 per cent of his brawn, unless he is also allowed to give us his ideas.
231. It is as if the brain & the body have decided to work together as a team. And, as they said in vaudeville, neither will "break up the act, & do a single."
232. This has been proved beyond doubt by records kept on industrial workers. Workers who have no voice whatsoever in management, who cannot make suggestions, who are not allowed to contribute their ideas, simply do not do as much work as workers who are encouraged to make suggestions.
How to Use Participative Management in the Home
233. How many wives have you heard complain that their husbands never tell them anything about their business or their plans?--Never give them a chance to make suggestions. Yet, you hear husbands say that their wives will not cooperate in saving money, & so on. Many parents believe that their children won't cooperate in something the parent wants done, yet they never ask the child to participate, but only tell him to "do so & so." They never ask the child to contribute any ideas, only his physical actions.
234. Marital counsellors have adopted a technique for getting cooperation in the home that is very similar to participative management in industry. It is called "Family Planning Sessions."
235. The wife, husband, & children get together for a family conference once a week, or once a month. The important thing is that the entire family holds regular meetings during which problems are discussed, common goals are set out, & each member of the family is asked to contribute ideas.
236. Dr. Ruth Barbee said to me recently, "It is amazing what can be accomplished when the entire family participates in managing the family. `Impossible situations' become ironed out satisfactorily, the family gets along better together, & everyone is happier, when each member is not just told to `do this or that' but is asked to make the problem his own problem & figure out some idea how we can do this or that. No other methods that I know of have ever had the success that Family Planning Sessions have achieved."
236. She goes on to point out that the family, just as a business concern, must have one chief executive whose job it is to weigh the many suggestions that come in & make final decisions.
237. "However," she says, "it is surprising how willingly a child will accept the final authority of the father, even if the decision goes against him, provided he has had a chance to voice his opinions, & make his suggestions, before the final decision is reached."
238. Business executives have found the same to be true. The ideal business executive today is not a man who is a genius, not a man who is so smart that he has all the ideas that are possible. He is a man smart enough to avail himself of the countless ideas of the men working under him, & with the administrative ability to make final decisions & see them put into action. He is a genius all right, but in human relations rather than in creative ideas. He knows how to multiply his own ideas by the ideas of others. He knows how to manage people, get them to abide by his decisions, & put his decisions into operation wholeheartedly.
How to Get Others to Support Your Ideas
239. Very often we need the "yes," "OK," or endorsement of another person to get some idea of our own adopted. The best way in the world to get this support is to get the other fellow to participate in your idea.
240. Instead of saying, "I wish you would approve this," or, "I wish you would decide in my favour," try saying this: "If you were me, how would you go about getting this idea across?"
241. I know a retired army colonel today, West Point, Class of 1933, who has this technique to thank for his whole career.
242. All his life he had dreamed of going to West Point. He graduated from high school just as the depression of 1929 hit. Any parents who normally could have afforded to send their sons to college could no longer do so & many of these sons were competing for the free education at West Point & Annapolis.
243. My friend had no connections whatsoever. So he went to several of the most prominent figures in his state & asked them a simple question. "Mr. ______, if you were in my position & you wanted to go to West Point & were thoroughly qualified for it, what would you do?"
244. That "What would you do?" was asking for their ideas. It asked for their participation in the problem. And essentially it made his problem their problem. He got not only their recommendations, but their active help, & he got the appointment.
245. Had this young man gone to these men & merely asked for their endorsements, the chances would have been small, for he was a nobody, a nonentity. By asking for their advice instead, he got their endorsement.
246. Try this technique as a door-opener. The next time you want to get in to see someone difficult to see, send in word that you want to consult with him & get his opinion about a certain matter!
247. A magazine writer who writes articles for some of the biggest magazines tells me that he often uses a variation of this technique to get an interview with a big shot who has the reputation of being hard to see.
248. He merely calls on the phone & says, "Mr. X, you've been referred to me as an authority on the subject of _____. I'm trying to prepare an article on this matter & everyone I talk with tells me that if I want to get the real facts about this matter, I should see you & get your ideas."
The Magic Secret of Asking for Advice
249. As you read this, you may be thinking of some individual who is always asking other people for advice, always telling his troubles & problems to others, & succeeding only in making a nuisance of himself. Maybe you're wondering how a technique that can make one man wealthy & prosperous can make another man a failure.
250. The magic secret of using this technique is this: It depends on why you ask.
251. There is a certain type of person who is always telling others his troubles, & constantly asking for advice. He doesn't solve his problems. He makes a nuisance of himself. Instead of becoming popular by using this technique, he is someone avoided by others.
252. Such a person is not actually seeking advice. He wants sympathy or pity. When he asks you, "What in the world am I going to do?" he doesn't expect you to tell him. He would be insulted if you did. He expects only that you feel sorry for him & tell him he is in the worst plight of any human being you have ever heard of. He wants you to agree that he has been treated unjustly. But the last thing he wants is an answer to his problem. And if you doubt this, next time ask him, "Why don't you try so & so?" & watch his reaction.
253. Points to Ponder
1) If you want other people to help you, & go all out, you must ask for their ideas as well as for their brawn.
2) Make the other fellow feel that your problem is his problem.
3) Use the principle of multiple management, giving each member of the team a voice in how the team is to operate.
4) When you want someone to do you a favour, make him a member of your team. Don't just say, "How about putting in a good word for me." Say, "If you were in my shoes & wanted to get favourable attention, how would you go about it?"
5) Set up your own brain trust, & make use of the ideas, suggestions, & advice of other people.
6) Be sure when you ask for advice you actually want advice. Don't ask for advice if all you want is sympathy or a pat on the back.
Suggestion: Make it a point to apply these six rules for one week in your home, your office, your relations with others, & keep a record of the results you obtain.
How to Use Your Miracle Power in Human Relations
254. Do you believe in miracles? If not, you may be surprised to learn that many medical doctors & scientists today believe in miracles, even if they cannot understand them.
255. Dr. John R. Brobeck, professor of physiology at the University of Pennsylvania, recently read a paper on miracles & science before the British & Canadian Medical Associations. He said in substance that the one factor today that science cannot understand about miracles is: What is the source of energy for miracles?
256. Dr. Alexis Carrel, a scientist, also wrote a scientific paper on miracles, & commented on the fact that ordinary "natural" healing processes appeared to be tremendously speeded up through some sudden & tremendous inrush of energy, not known to natural science. Dr. Carrel believed that this energy was a spiritual power.
How Praise Releases Energy
257. All through the ages, many people have believed that praise has some sort of miracle-working power. Charles Fillmore, cofounder of Unity School of Christianity, wrote, "Words of praise, gratitude, or thanksgiving expand, set free, & in every way radiate energy....You can praise a weak body into strength; a fearful heart into peace & trust; shattered nerves into poise & power; a failing business into prosperity & success; want & insufficiency into supply & support."
258. Did you ever notice in the Bible how often praise & thanksgiving are associated with miracles? Before Elisha miraculously increased the widow's oil, he certainly blessed it & gave thanks. Before Jesus multiplied the loaves & fishes He blessed them, lifted His eyes to Heaven & gave thanks.
259. Just how praise releases energy, no one seems to know. But the fact that it does is common experience. Ever notice how, when someone pays you a sincere compliment, or thanks you for a job well done, your spirits seem to get a shot in the arm?
260. The lift that you get from praise is not an illusion. Neither is it just your imagination. In some way, unknown to science, actual physical energy is released.
261. Dr. Henry H. Goddard, when he was psychologist at Vineland Training School in New Jersey, used an instrument he called the "ergograph" to measure fatigue. When tired children were given a word of praise or commendation, the ergograph showed an immediate upward surge of new energy. When the children were criticised & discouraged, the ergograph showed that their physical energy took a sudden nosedive. So, even though science cannot explain the power of praise, science can measure it!
The One Thing People Want Most
262. In telling me about the power of praise in business, Charles G. Nichols told of a nation-wide poll conducted by the National Retail Dry Goods Association, of which he is a former president. Thousands of workers & bosses were asked to list, in order of their importance, the factors that they felt were of most importance to workers. "Credit for work" was the item that the workers themselves overwhelmingly rated number one. The bosses rated the same item seventh.
263. Evidently, few of us recognise just how very important it is to a worker to be given credit for the work he has done, to be accorded recognition & praised for a job well done.
264. People everywhere--in the home, school, office, plant--are hungry for praise & appreciation. When we give them what they are hungry for, they are much more likely to be generous in giving us what we want from them, whether it is their skill, manual work, ideas, cooperation, or what not.
Be Generous with Kind Statements
265. Don't wait until someone does something big or unusual to praise him. Be generous with your praise. If your morning cup of coffee is good, tell your wife about it. You'll not only raise her spirits, but the chances are she'll try to brew the coffee even better tomorrow morning.
266. If your stenographer gets out your letter faster than you had expected, tell her so. She'll work even harder to please you.
267. If someone does you some small favour, show your appreciation & give him credit for having done something by saying, "Thank you."
Six Rules for Saying "Thank You"
268. Those two little words, "Thank you," can be magic words in human relations if they are used correctly. Remember these six rules. They have been tested & proven.
A. Thanks should be sincere. Say it as if you mean it. Put some feeling & life into it. Don't let it sound routine, but "special."
B. Say it--don't mumble it. Come right out with it. Don't act as if you were halfway ashamed for the other person to know you want to thank him.
C. Thank people by name. Personalise your thanks by naming the person thanked. If there are several people in a group to be thanked, don't just say, "Thanks, everybody," but name them.
D. Look at the person you are thanking. If he is worth being thanked, he is worth being looked at & noticed.
E. Work at thanking people. Consciously & deliberately begin to look for things to thank other people for. Don't just wait until it occurs to you. Do it deliberately until it becomes a habit. Gratitude does not seem to be a natural trait of human nature. When Jesus healed ten lepers, only one thanked him. But are we very different?
F. Thank people when they least expect it. A "thank you" is even more powerful when the other person does not expect it, or necessarily feel that he deserves it. Think back to some time when you got a nice "thank you" from someone where it never occurred to you that any "thanks" were in order & you'll see what I mean.
269. Not long ago a small boy came up to me on the street in Kansas City & asked me to buy a pencil. When I shook my head in the negative, he took me by surprise by saying (as if he really meant it), "Well, thank you very much, anyway, sir." Of course, I dug down in my pocket for a nickel. Watching him work his way up the street, I saw him sell half a dozen pencils before he got to the end of the block.
270. "The measure of mental health is the disposition to find good everywhere," said Ralph Waldo Emerson.
271. If you want to increase your own peace of mind & personal happiness there is no more certain formula than to start looking for good things in other people that you can praise. Start looking for good things in your life you can be truly thankful for.
272. One of the sure earmarks of virtually all neurotic, unhappy people, studies have found, was that they were overly critical. They deliberately looked for things to find fault with. Yet, when they changed their attitude, & began looking for good things in people around them & good things in their circumstances, their own happiness greatly increased.
273. No one is perfect. And it has been said that there is some good in everyone. Try an experiment. If there is some person who irritates you, or gets your goat, or keeps you upset, begin looking for something you can compliment him for. Even if he figuratively bites your head off, maybe he has nice teeth. If so, compliment him on his teeth. Keep on looking for things you can praise him about. Not only will he seem to change for the better; you'll find that your own opinion about him is changing.
Two Rules for Administering Praise
274. A. It must be sincere. Mere flattery is easily seen through, & does nothing for either you or the other person. Remember there is always something good that deserves praise, if you'll look for it. It is much better to praise a person for some little something--and mean it, than to pick out something big, & be insincere.
275. B. Praise the act or the attribute, rather than the person. Praise a person for what he does, not for what he is. Compliment him on what he has, not on what he is.
RIGHT: Miss Smith, your typing lately has been truly excellent.
WRONG: Miss Smith, you are a good worker.
RIGHT: Jones, your sales led our entire district last week.
WRONG: Jones, you're the best salesman we have.
RIGHT: You certainly have beautiful hair.
WRONG: You're a pretty person.
RIGHT: This is certainly a lovely house you have here.
WRONG: You must be a real big shot to live like this.
276. When you praise an act or attribute, your praise is specific & sounds more sincere. Also, best results are obtained if the other person knows exactly what he is being praised for. Praising the act rather than the person avoids charges of favouritism or prejudice. It also avoids embarrassment.
277. Points to Ponder
1) Sincere praise miraculously releases energy in the other person, perks him up physically, as well as giving his spirits a lift.
2) The person who is discouraged, doing sloppy work, or just hard to get along with is probably suffering from low self-esteem. Praise can act as a wonder drug to give his self-esteem a healthy shot in the arm & change his behaviour for the better.
3) Give others credit for what they do. Show your appreciation of what they have done by saying "thank you."
4) Be generous with kind statements. Gratitude is not a common thing. By being generous with gratitude, you help others, & help them to like you.
5) Increase your own happiness & peace of mind by paying three sincere compliments each day.
Chapter Six
How to Criticise Others without Offending Them
278. Often when we tell another person, "I'm telling you this for your own good," we're not. We're telling him to bolster up our own ego by pointing out some fault in him.
279. However, there are going to be times when the successful leader must point out errors & "correct" those working with him. This is truly an art, & one that most would-be leaders fall down on.
280. The real purpose of criticism is not to beat the other fellow down, but to build him up.--Not to hurt his feelings, but to help him do a job better.
281. Not long ago I was discussing the seven rules for successful criticism (which you will be given shortly) with Walter Johnson, vice-president of American Airlines. We were discussing the real need for criticism, & how it could be a real help.
282. "You know, Les," he said, "a pilot coming in for a landing is a good example of successful criticism. Frequently, his flying must be criticised or corrected by the tower. If he's off course, the tower doesn't hesitate to tell him so. If he's coming in too low, he's told about it. If he is going to overshoot the field, he is corrected. Yet I've never heard of one of our pilots getting offended by this criticism. I've never heard one say, `Aw, he's always finding fault with my flying. Why can't he say something good for a change?'"
283. The next time you must get someone back on the beam, remember how the airlines "correct" their pilots. Keep in mind that their criticism is not for the purpose of ego satisfaction, but to achieve a good end result for both the airline & the pilot. The man in the tower doesn't deal in personalities. He doesn't use recriminations. His criticism is not blared out over loudspeakers but in strict privacy to the pilot's earphones. He criticises the act, not the person.
284. He doesn't say, "Well, if that isn't a dumb way to come in for a landing." He just says, "You're coming in too low."
285. The pilot isn't asked to do something merely to please the boss. He has an incentive of his own to take the criticism & benefit by it. He is not offended; he actually appreciates it. He is more likely to buy the man in the tower a steak dinner than to cuss him.
286. And the really important thing is that both the pilot & his boss achieve some useful end result. The criticism accomplishes something.
287. All criticism could be given in the same spirit; if it were, equally good results would be achieved.
The Seven Musts for Successful Criticism
288. A. Criticism must be made in privacy. If you want your criticism to take effect, you must not engage the other person's ego against you. The mildest form of criticism made in the presence of others is very likely to be resented by the other person. Justified or not, he feels he has lost face before his co-workers or associates.
289. B. Preface criticism with a kind word or compliment. Kind words, compliments & praise have the effect of setting the stage in a friendly atmosphere. It serves notice on the other fellow that you are not attacking his ego, & puts him more at his ease. The natural reaction of a person "called in on the carpet" is to get set to defend his ego. A person with this defensive frame of mind is not receptive to your ideas. Praise & compliments open the other person's mind: "I know from past experience that you are always looking for little ways to constantly improve your work. It occurred to me that..."
290. C. Make the criticism impersonal. Criticise the act, not the person. Here again, you can side-step the other person's ego by criticism of his actions or behaviour, not his person. After all, it's his actions that you are interested in anyway. By pinpointing your criticism to his acts, you can actually pay him a compliment, & build up his ego at the same time:
"John, I know from past experience that this error is not typical of your usual performance."
"George, the only reason I mention this is that I know you can easily do better. It is not up to your usual high standard."
291. D. Supply the answer. When you tell the other person what he did wrong, also tell him how to do it right. The emphasis should not be on the mistake, but the means & ways to correct the mistake & avoid a repetition or recurrence.
One of the biggest complaints of workers is, "I don't know what is expected of me. Nothing I do seems to please the boss, but yet I am never sure what he wants."
Nothing can lower morale in an office, plant, or home quite so much as an atmosphere of general dissatisfaction without there being any clear defining of just what is expected. Most people are anxious to "do right" if you tell them what "right" is.
292. E. Ask for cooperation; don't demand it. Asking always brings more cooperation than demanding. "Will you make these corrections?" arouses much less resentment than, "Do this over, & for Heaven's sake, this time see that you get it right!"
When you demand, you place the other fellow in the role of slave & yourself in the role of slave-driver. When you ask, you place him in the role of a member of your team. Team feeling, the feeling of participation, remember, gets much more cooperation than force.
It also makes a great deal of difference whether you put your criticism on the basis of "I'm the boss, & you'll do it this way because I say so," or whether you put it on the basis of, "Here's what we're shooting for, & here's how you can help achieve that goal."
293. F. One criticism to an offense. To call attention to a given error one time is justified. Twice is unnecessary. And three times is nagging. Remember your goal in criticism: To get a job done, not to win an ego fight.
When you're tempted to drag up the past, or rehash a mistake that is over & done with, remember the illustration of how the man in the tower criticises the pilot to bring him in safely. He tells him what he is doing wrong now, & once that is corrected & settled, it is forgotten. Neither does the man in the tower "hold it against" the pilot because he once actually made a bad landing. It is just as silly & ineffective for you to keep dragging up past mistakes & harping on them.
294. G. Finish in a friendly fashion. Until an issue has been resolved on a friendly note, it really hasn't been finished. Don't leave things hanging in air, to be brought up later. Get it settled. Get it finished. Bury it.
Give the other fellow a pat on the back at the end of the interview. Let his last memory of the meeting be the pat on the back, instead of a kick in the pants.
RIGHT (smiling): "I know I can count on you."
WRONG: "Now that you've been told, don't let it happen again."
RIGHT: "I know you'll get the knack of it--just keep trying."
WRONG: "You've either got to show improvement soon--or else."
295. Points to Ponder
Remember that criticism, to be successful, must be for the purpose of accomplishing some worthwhile goal for both yourself & the person you're criticising. Don't criticise just to bolster your own ego. And steer clear of the other fellow's ego when you must correct him.
Remember these "Seven Musts" & begin to put them into practice:
1) Criticism must be made in privacy.
2) Preface criticism with a kind word or compliment.
3) Make the criticism impersonal. Criticise the act, not the person.
4) Supply the answer.
5) Ask for cooperation--don't demand it.
6) One criticism to an offence.
7) Finish in a friendly fashion.
Chapter Seven
A Simple, Effective Plan of Action that Will Bring You Success & Happiness
296. Most successful businesses today have active human relations programs--not just libraries with books about human relations, but active, dynamic programs. They map definite plans to reach certain real-life goals. Then they start to work to reach those goals.
297. Instead of just saying, "Well, I'll try to remember the advice in this book & see if I can get along better," let's set up some real goals to reach, & start off working toward them.
Your Self-Improvement Program
298. Benjamin Franklin tells in an autobiography how he tried for years, with no success, to improve himself & rid himself of certain habits. Then one day he sat down & wrote out a list of what he considered to be his short-comings, such as bad temper, impatience, lack of consideration for others, & the like, & he picked out what he considered to be his number one problem. Instead of just making a resolution to "improve himself," Franklin made an effort to work on his number one weak spot. He took up his short-comings one at a time, & worked on them one at a time. The end result was that within the period of about a year he had overcome a great many bad habits that had been holding him back.
299. Now I don't know what your faults are. And I wouldn't point them out to you if I did. But, if you're reading this book that means you're human. And if you're human, you have some bad habits. When I use the words "bad habits," it's not in a moral sense. It's not my job to try to make you "good." But I speak of habits that are bad because they work against what you really want. I am talking about habits that handicap you unnecessarily in getting what you want from life.
300. I ask you to get rid of them, not for ethical or moral reasons, but because they're like dead weights holding you back in the game of life. Get rid of them, you'll find your progress towards success & happiness much easier.
A Self-Analysis Check List
Am I too critical of human nature? Do I expect other people to always be completely "selfless," yet expect them to give me what I want?
Do I expect everyone I deal with to be perfect, or do I make allowances & tend to give the other fellow the benefit of the doubt?
Am I willing to give the other fellow something he wants in return for something I want?
Everyone wants to increase his self-esteem. Do I satisfy my own self-esteem by legitimate accomplishment, or by trying to cut other people down to my size?
Am I genuinely interested in the other person & his problems?
Do I notice other people enough?
Do I accept other people as equals, or is there a slight tendency towards self-righteousness or condescension?
Do I try to help the other fellow like himself better, or do I try to deflate him?
Do I have respect for the other person's personality & individuality?
Do I acknowledge respect for him & act in a way that will make him feel important?
Do I assume that the other fellow will be friendly & take the initiative in meeting him more than half-way?
Am I careful enough in my appearance? Shoes shined? Heels not worn down? Hair cut? Clothing neat & clean? Nails clean?
Do I myself show the attitude toward the other person that I want him to show toward me?
Am I a good talker? An "easy-to-get-to-know" type of person?
Do I listen attentively to other people? Do I listen enough?
Am I skilful in getting my ideas across to others?
Am I successful in getting others to cooperate with me?
When I ask others to help, do I allow them to participate? Do I give them a share in the profits if they do participate?
Do I make the most of the talents of those working with me by employing their brains as well as their brawn?
Do I know how to use the miracle power of praise? How long since I praised someone for something?
Do I always give other people credit for what they do?
How long has it been since I showed my appreciation by saying "thank you"?
Can I criticise other people without making them angry or hurting their feelings?
Am I sincere in my dealings with others?
Am I too impatient in dealing with people?
Do I always give the other person some incentive, some personal reason for doing what I want done, or granting me a favour?
Do I tend to hold grievances or grudges?
Does my temper get me in trouble with others?
Do I ever brag & bluster, or put on a big-shot act, in order to hide my fears?
Am I ever guilty of arrogance or snobbery?
Items listed in the foregoing that I need to work on now are:
The first item I will work on will be: __________.
Definite steps I intend to take to improve this item are:
301. When you have worked out your own human relations programs, when you have put them into practice, & proved them, & can write at the bottom of this page, "Mission accomplished," then this book will be ended.
302. I urge you, as a personal favour to me: don't leave my book unfinished. I don't like to be a failure, & I'll have failed in writing this book unless you step in & put these principles to work.
303. Resting on your library shelf they can accomplish nothing. Put into practice in your daily life, these principles can do for you what they have done for many thousands of others: Bring success & happiness.
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Copyright (c) 1998 by The Family