HUMOUR
RELATED INDEX TOPICS: Cheerfulness, Cute Kids, Happiness.
1. I have never understood why it should be considered derogatory to the Creator to suppose that He has a sense of humour.
2. A sense of humour reduces people & problems to their proper proportions.
3. Every survival kit should include a sense of humour.
4. A sense of humour is a test of sanity.
5. Genuine humour is always kindly & gracious. It points out the weakness of humanity, but shows no contempt & leaves no sting.
6. It's a grand person indeed who can laugh at himself with others & enjoy it as much as they do.
7. A sense of humour can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, & smile through the unbearable.
8. If the World laughs at you, laugh right back--it's as funny as you are.
9. Imagination was given to a man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humour was provided to console him for what he is.
10. There are two kinds of cleverness & both are priceless. One consists of thinking of a bright remark in time to say it. The other consists of thinking of it in time not to say it!
11. A small town newspaper in Texas advertised, "Read your Bible to know what people ought to do. Read this paper to know what they actually do."
12. Nothing confuses a man more than to drive behind a woman who does everything right.
13. Said a weight watcher, "I'm fat because I have a hand-to-mouth disease."
14. "I can resist everything," said the young lady, "except temptation."
15. Soup should be seen & not heard.
16. A preacher recently announced over the radio that there were 572 different sins mentioned in the Bible. He received numerous requests for the list from people who thought they might be missing something.
17. One of life's major mistakes is being the last member in the family to get the flu--after all the sympathy has run out.
18. A politician was speaking with his accustomed eloquence & poise. There were thousands of bugs flying around the bright light overhead. Some bugs zoomed around him like jets, but he remained calm & devoted to his speech. Every time he inhaled the people thought sure he would suck in a bug. Finally the inevitable happened--he did! "What will he do?" they questioned.
When he got his breath the politician said, "Served the bug right, he should have watched where he was going!"
19. All the world loves a lover except when he is driving his automobile in crowded traffic--with his arm around his girlfriend.
20. Sign on a desk in the Pentagon: "The secrecy of my job does not permit me to know what I am doing."
21. A woman has two ideas about keeping secrets. They are either not worth keeping, or they are too good to keep.
22. It's true that a woman can keep a secret--in circulation!
23. Randy & Dan hadn't seen each other for over a year. They bumped into each other after a football game. Randy: "And how's your wife?"
Dan: "My wife has gone to Heaven."
Randy: "Oh, I'm so sorry." Then realising that wasn't the appropriate response, he countered by saying. "I guess I mean I'm glad." That didn't sound quite right either so he changed it, saying, "I mean I'm so surprised!"
24. One morning a man called a taxi company & complained that a cab he ordered to take him to the airport had not arrived. The girl who took the call apologised, "I'm very sorry the cab isn't there yet, sir, but don't worry, the plane is always late."
"Well, it certainly will be this morning," the caller said sharply, "I happen to be the pilot!"
25. Carl had to apologise for forgetting his aunt's birthday. So he wrote her a letter. "I'm so sorry I forgot your birthday. I have no excuse & it would serve me right if you forgot mine, which is next Friday."
26. A man was drinking beer at the bar & he had to go to the bathroom, but he hadn't finished his beer. So that no one would drink it while he was gone, he put a note on it which stated: "I spit in this!" When he came back from the bathroom he found the beer & the note, to which someone had added: "I did too!"
27. Who was the most popular actor in the Bible? Samson. He brought down the house.
28. A woman was mailing the old family Bible to her brother in a distant city. The postal clerk examined the heavy package carefully & inquired if it contained anything breakable. "Nothing except maybe the Ten Commandments," was the quick reply.
29. If a rooster laid an egg on the top of a hill, which side would the egg roll down?
Answer: Roosters don't lay eggs.
30. An executive refused an employee's request for a raise, adding, "I know you can't get married on what I pay you--& some day you'll thank me."
31. The time was when the perfect gift for a 16-year-old girl was a compact. It still is--if it has four wheels.
32. Shakespeare said that the evil men do lives after them. On TV this is called a rerun.
33. An evangelist in downtown Philadelphia needed to know where the post office was. So he asked a newsboy for information.
Boy: "Go this way two blocks & then turn to the right."
Evangelist: "You seem like a bright fellow. Do you know who I am?"
Boy: "Nope!"
Evangelist: "I'm the preacher who is holding a revival in the big tent. If you come tonight, I'll show you the way to Heaven."
Boy: "Aw, go on! You don't even know the way to the post office!"--Dad
34. Are you looking for someone with a little authority? I have as little as anyone.
35. Asked what he'd learned at Sunday school, the 10-year-old began, "Well, our teacher told us about when God sent Moses behind the enemy lines to rescue the Israelites from the Egyptians. When they came to the Red Sea, Moses called for the engineer to build a pontoon bridge. After they had all crossed, they looked back & saw the Egyptian tanks coming. Quick as a flash, Moses radioed headquarters on his walkie-talkie to send bombers to blow up the bridge & save the Israelites."
"Bobby," exclaimed his startled mother, "is that really the way your teacher told that story?"
"Well, not exactly. But if I told it her way, you'd never believe it!"
36. Statisticians collect facts, then draw their own confusions.
37. A man in Wichita, Kansas, received a computerised bill. The balance due column read $00.00. He threw it away. A month later the same store sent another bill with the following notation: "This balance is now past due." He circled the zeros & sent the bill back to the store. A few days later he received another scorching computerised letter. It admonished him to pay his debt $00.00. Realising that nothing can be quite as stubborn as a computer, he finally sat down & wrote out a check for $00.00. He received no further bills from the store.
38. An alarm clock is a device to scare the daylights into you!
39. An alarm clock is a device that makes men "rise & whine."
40. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become famous & well known, & then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
41. A cold is an illness both positive & negative. Sometimes the eyes have it, sometimes the nose.
42. The driver of a school bus is one whose troubles are all behind him.
43. The lady passenger became hysterical when she saw the flames licking engines 1 & 2: "We're on fire!" she shouted up & down the aisle. "We're on fire! We're going to crash!" The entire planeload of passengers was in panic.
Suddenly the pilot appeared wearing a parachute. "Please be calm, everyone; don't worry about a thing," he assured them. "I'm going for help."
44. Little Johnny was having a terrific time on his first plane trip. He pushed every button in sight, ran through the aisles at top speed & finally crashed into the stewardess as she was serving a tray of coffee. The stewardess picked herself up & grabbed young Johnny by the arm. "Little boy," she cooed sweetly, "why don't you go outside & play?"
45. This jet age is absolutely amazing. You can have breakfast in London ... lunch in New York ... dinner in Los Angeles, & your suitcases in Buenos Aires!
46. An archaeologist is a man whose career lies in ruins.
47. Some months have 30 days, some have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
Answer: All.
48. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many does he have left?
Answer: Nine.
49. Take 2 apples from 3 apples & what do you have?
Answer: Two apples.
50. Who was the smallest man in the Bible? It was Peter. He slept on his watch. (Mt.26:40)
51. Like the old Dutchman said, "Vell, Honey, zomtimes I tink the whole Vorld is a mess & everybody's crazy but me & thee--& sometimes I vonder about thee!"
52. Her Sunday School teacher asked a ten-year-old how Solomon happened to be so wise. "Because," she answered, after due meditation, "he had so many wives to advise him."
53. The late Smedley D. Butler, always an impulsive man, was generally careful of the welfare of his men. One time in France he encountered two soldiers emerging from the kitchen with a large soup kettle. "Let me taste that," he ordered.
"But Gen ..."
"No buts! Give me a spoon." Taking a taste, the General sputtered, "You don't call that soup, do you?"
"No, sir," replied the soldier, "I was trying to tell you, sir, it's dishwater!"
54. Good humour is the health of the soul, sadness its poison.
55. Several years ago a man appeared in a small Pennsylvania town and hired the opera house for one night; he engaged no ushers or other helpers. Nearly a month preceding the day for which the hall was rented, he posted a huge sign, conspicuous and appealing, which read, "He is coming!"
One week before the night of the performance the sign was replaced by one which read: "He will appear at the Opera House on October 31!" On the day just before the event the sign said simply, "He is here!" The morning if the fateful night: "He will be at the Opera House tonight at 8:30!"
That night the promoter sat in the box office and sold tickets at $1 per person to a full house. When the curtain went up inside, however, all the audience could see was a final sign reading: "He is gone!"
56. "You can't explain some English idioms," remarks J.W. Crofoot, President of Milton College in Wisconsin, as he laughs over his unsuccessful attempt to do so.
"I was bringing two young Chinese students from Shanghai to Milton," he explains, "both of whom had a good knowledge of book English, but were weak on our idioms. Their curiosity was insatiable as they continually pelted me with a barrage of questions. I thought I was doing rather well when I neatly and simply explained that the sign 'Suits, $20 up' meant suits in that store cost twenty dollars or more. But a few minutes later I felt rather foolish when I heard one lad exclaim to the other, quite consistent with my airtight explanation, 'Look at those cars, Ping; how can they be so cheap!' The sign read 'Used cars, $20 down."
57. There were two churches in the community, a Methodist church & a Baptist church. The Baptists were temporarily without a pastor when a deacon of the church died. The family asked the Methodist pastor if he would conduct the funeral service. This was his first year in the ministry & the Methodist pastor felt he needed approval from the bishop of the area. So he sent a telegram asking: "May I have approval to bury a Baptist deacon?"
The bishop quickly replied with a telegram reading: "Bury all the Baptists you can!"
58. When Winston Churchill was told that savants were declaring that by the year 2100 women would rule the world, his rejoinder, with a twinkling eye, was just one word: "Still?"
59. A sailor had been shipwrecked on a small island for several months with a crew of 12 men & one woman. When he was finally rescued & returned home, an elderly aunt was very interested in the situation of so many men & one woman alone on a deserted island. "About this woman," said the aunt, "was she chaste?"
Replied the sailor, "Oh yes, Auntie--all over the island!"
60. Noah was the first businessman mentioned in the Bible. He floated a company at a time when the rest of the world was under liquidation.
61. In the Book of Revelation we read of a book which no man could open. Some believe this was the pocketbook.
62. With medication you can usually heal a bad cold in about two weeks, but with lots of rest & proper care you can get rid of it in about 14 days.--Dad.
63. The paratroopers were being instructed on the use of their chutes. Rookie: "What if it doesn't open?"
Instructor: "That, my friend, is known as jumping to a conclusion!"
64. Because TV writer Leonard Stern often gets an idea for a show in the middle of the night, he keeps a pad and pencil on his bedside table. Before going to sleep, he says to himself, "Write it down! Write it down!"
The other night he woke up, scribbled something on the pad and went back to sleep. In the morning he found this note: "Write it down."
65. A stranger, passing along a road and uncertain of his way, saw a shepherd lad lying by the roadside while the sheep were grazing contentedly in nearby pastures. Approaching the boy, the stranger asked the way. The boy, scarcely looking up, stretched out his arm nonchalantly and said, 'That way.'
The stranger thanked him, but said, 'My laddie, if you can show me anything lazier than that, I'll give you a shilling.'
Without looking up, the lad said, 'Put it in my pocket.' (Prov.12.27; 13.4; 19.24; 21.25; 26.14; Matt.25.26)
66. A man with a sense of humour doesn't make jokes out of life; he merely recognises the ones that are there.
67. I want nothing to do with natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.--George Burns