THE NEED FOR MORE AFFECTION IN OUR HOMES!
Maria #195 DO 2857 3/93
--"Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another" (Rom.12:10).--By Maria
1. One of our leaders mentioned in a communication to us that he is concerned, as are we, about what has become a serious situation in many of our Homes: Very little warm, spontaneous show of affection between Family members, totally unrelated to sex. He said that even while he was growing up in the System, his large family had displayed more affection amongst themselves than many Family members in our Homes today. The affection was warm and spontaneous, with lots of hugging and kissing and stroking that demonstrated their care for each other.
2. In many cultures, people grow up being naturally affectionate as part of their daily lives, completely apart from sex, without any phobias about their bodies or others' bodies, without being afraid of physical contact; in fact, actually making such contact a very important part of their interaction with others. Embracing, caressing, patting, stroking, squeezing, massaging, hand-holding, hugging, being naked in front of each other, all these things are very normal, and if absent, there is a sense of loss and abnormality. Countries where a culture is lacking in affection produce many more neurotic, sexually deviant, violent, problem people, as some scientific studies have proven. (See Christian Digest #10, "Affection," pg.5.)
Affection Should Be Prevalent in Our Homes
3. In the area of affection, as in all other areas, Dad has set a good example for us by being a warm, loving person, openly demonstrating his love for us by lots of sweet affection. We are saddened at the lack of affection in our Homes, and we know that each of you will want to do all you can to remedy the situation. Affection in our Homes should be as common as our saying, "I love you" or, "Praise the Lord" or, "Thank You Jesus" or, "Let's pray."
4. Of course, we realize that we have some big hurdles to overcome, and one of the biggest ones is people's jealousy. I think that one thing that will overcome that to some degree will be to put limits on the affection and set a certain standard for the affection we display, and put a certain interpretation on our affection--what it means and what it doesn't mean.
5. For example, hearing their mate say, "I love you" to everybody in our Family Homes doesn't usually bother jealous people too much. Because, unlike its usage in the System where it is used primarily in only one way, in a romantic sense, in the Family it is used in a much broader way, much more than just in the romantic sense. It refers to the very sweet, Godly love that we all have one toward the other. This is the sense in which we most often use this phrase in the Family. So our frequent daily use of this phrase with all our brothers and sisters, no matter who they may be, does not usually evoke strong feelings of jealousy, even in those who tend to be very jealous, since they understand the meaning with which the phrase "I love you" is being used. They know that it is for everyone, that it's across the board, and they do not interpret it as anything particularly connected with sex. They know that their mate's saying "I love you" is not going to automatically lead to them going off to bed with whoever they said it to.
6. I think that normal sweet affection should be employed in the Family the same way as we use the phrase "I love you." It should just be normal, natural and across the board, and if it is, then it won't mean or be interpreted to mean anything more than that. We'll make it so it definitely doesn't mean that. Regardless of whether somebody wants it to mean that, we're going to say, "Look, nobody should take this kind of affection to mean anything more than it is: Just sweet affection, our loving each other as members of the same Family, just doing what is the natural thing for those who love one another to do. So don't take it as anything else!"
7. Affection between our Family members should be as natural as when you say "hello" to somebody when you see them and "goodbye" when you leave. And if you're going to give somebody a hug, it shouldn't be a hug like this, where the two people are standing five feet apart! (Fam: The A-frame hug!) It should be a nice, normal, natural hug, with genuine love, not sex, as the main motivation.
8. I believe that most of our Family can handle affection properly and do it in a clean loving spirit, and not a lustful spirit. They're going to have to, as the Word says, "keep their bodies in subjection."
9. Some women are just too particular, and some men are just too lustful and sexy in a sort of carnal, fleshly spirit, so they'll all have to work on their shortcomings. And everybody's going to have to work on their jealousy and they're just going to have to start lovingly showing sweet, Godly natural affection to each other! Because I'm afraid that in many of our Homes, almost worldwide now, we've allowed people who have jealousy battles to keep us back from being the very openly loving and affectionate Family we should be, and I think that's very sad.
Affection Should Not Be
Reserved Only for the Bed!
10. We not only need lots more public affection amongst our Home members throughout the day during their daily activities, but from what I've heard, many of our men need to show our women more affection behind closed doors as well. I'm not referring only to the affection which should be part of their sex and actual lovemaking, but also the loving affection which should be manifested before and after, which shows unselfish love and outgoing concern for the one they're with.
11. Apparently, a problem that a lot of men seem to have is that they don't want to have a date or be with a woman unless they can fuck. But when a man conveys that kind of attitude or message to a woman, what kind of signal does that send to her? It's a very obvious signal: "I'm only with you for what I can get out of it." If that's his attitude, then it's pretty obvious to the woman that he only wants to be with her for sex and for his own selfish pleasure.
12. The only time some people are affectionate and loving, kiss and cuddle and put their arms around someone is when they are in bed having sex. "Brethren, this ought not so to be!" (Jam.3:10). We should be affectionate in season and out of season!
13. The affection that you show your mate while out of bed is important too. This kind of affection will be less sexual, but it means a lot, especially to a woman. That kind of nonsexual affection is a signal that shows your partner that you really love and care. So being affectionate when it's not connected with lovemaking is important, when you're showing others that you know that they're there and that they mean something to you. And that's what we want to promote amongst all of the Family, regardless of whether they love each other in a romantic way or not.
14. I think we need to teach all our people that they need to be with each other sacrificially for what they can give each other, much more than what they can get out of it. That's so basic! It's like going back to teaching kindergarten or first grade! We need to teach our people that one of the reasons the Lord allows them to have these relationships is so they can learn something about real sacrificial love.--And that the Lord does not approve of people being in relationships just out of selfish motives. Whatever we do, we're supposed to do all we do out of love for God and others, and love is the most important thing.
15. If we have real love, we're going to love the person for that person, not just for what they can give us in a sexual way. After all, you can always do it yourself. It's not like you can't be relieved sexually unless you fuck somebody. Real love is much stronger than merely sex. Sex and sexual intercourse can be, and should be, if possible, a wonderful and important part of real love; but real love is much, much more than sex. People can sometimes be so much in love that they can do without sexual intercourse forever if they have to. Some people have even married knowing they couldn't have sex, like getting mated to a person who is handicapped or paralyzed. Even if they can't fuck, that doesn't stop them from loving a person and wanting to live with them. Real love doesn't take into account whether someone is going to satisfy your sexual needs or not. Real love is much greater than that.
16. Of course, with real love between a man and a woman, sex usually comes along with it. Thank the Lord for the extra bonus. That certainly makes it a lot nicer and fulfilling, but sexual intercourse isn't an inherent part of real love. It's an added supplement or bonus that usually comes with it, and is very nice, and can be one important way of communicating and staying close together. But it's not an absolutely necessary part of real love.
Getting the Signals Straight!
(Interpreting Affection)
17. We've always said that you should be able to be affectionate in the privacy of your own Home. The emphasis we need to make now is that you should be able to be normally and moderately affectionate to all of your Home's members without it being interpreted as a prelude to sex. In other words, we should have a standard of affection that is permissible and approved, which is practiced in our Homes, the kind of affection that is not meant to lead to sex. Such affection does not signal, "Okay, meet me in the bedroom in 15 minutes!" Or, "Okay, that means we're going to have sex later tonight."
18. You men should be able to go up to our women and put your arms around them and kiss them sweetly on the cheek, and maybe put your arm around her waist, or put your head on her shoulder, or she puts her head on your shoulder without it being interpreted as a sexual come-on. This is something you should be able to do with all the members of your Home. It should just be our normal accepted standard of loving and open affection. And it doesn't lead to sex behind closed doors, it's not meant to!
19. Nobody has to feel that it's the signal for something more serious or that they're obligated to do anything more. The rule is, this affection stops here, and nobody should feel that it's linked with actual sex behind closed doors in the bedroom later on. Nobody has to feel uncomfortable about that.
20. We need more affection in our Homes, but a lot of people shy away from it because of all of the misinterpretations of things, or worry about what he thinks that she thinks, or what she thinks that he thinks, etc.! Everyone's getting the wrong signals from it. Some people are just naturally affectionate; they like to be affectionate, and they don't mean it to go any further. But when they are affectionate, then the recipient thinks that they mean something more than they actually do.
21. Or sometimes there's somebody who really does want more and wants to give that signal, but the recipient doesn't want more, so they're afraid to be affectionate back to them because it's going to be mistakenly interpreted to mean that they want more too. So everybody's got something different in mind and they're afraid of each other because they don't want to be misinterpreted.
22. So I think the solution is that we just have to set a certain standard and certain rules and say, "This is what this means, and it does not mean anything more!" And it should not mean anything more. It's not supposed to mean anything more, so nobody should take it as meaning more.
23. And I'm not talking about the kind of affection in our Homes that would cause visitors to come in and look at it as some kind of orgy. I'm talking about normal, natural, moderate affection--not standing there deep-kissing somebody for 10 minutes!--Ha!--Or any minutes, for that matter!
24. We're just talking about sweet and loving natural affection.--Putting your arm around her waist or scratching her back, or even coming up from behind and giving her a nice hug. I'm talking about just a sweet show of love and Godly affection to show others you love them and that we're close, that we're united in heart and body too. Sweet affection that isn't lustful.
Affection Works Wonders!
25. After the Summit '93 meeting, some of our leadership visited some Homes in which they suggested that people start being more affectionate. Upon following this suggestion, there was a whole change of spirit in the Homes, with the members feeling more liberated, more happy, more able to communicate with each other, more tolerant of each other's faults and peculiarities, happier in their work and a whole host of other advantages that resulted from just a little more display of open affection between the Home members.
26. This is not surprising, because affection is a sign of your love; it's a physical manifestation of love that others can see and feel. It helps them to know you care about them, that they're important to you. It shows them that you know they're there and they count. Affection has proven to be an amazing help in overcoming heartaches and serious emotional and even physical difficulties. Science has demonstrated that an affectionate touch causes the brain to manufacture and release certain neurochemicals that can dispel a "bad mood" and make the recipient of the touch feel much better. For more on the amazing powers and qualities of affectionate touching, see Christian Digest #10, "Affection."
27. God bless and help us all to be more affectionate! "Love never fails!" So you can't go wrong by being more loving, amen? GBY! ILY! Affectionately yours, Mama.
(Terrific! I really agree!--D.)
Copyright (c) 1998 by The Family