MISINTERPRETATIONS AND MISUNDERSTANDINGS!
DO 2839 9/90
--How to Overcome Them!--By Maria
Maria #180
--From a Talk with a Staff Member
1. There's a very big difference between someone doing something to deliberately hurt or wrong you, and someone doing something unintentionally that you merely interpret as an act against you. The reason you have stored up so many grudges and bitternesses and negative feelings against others is not because you have actually been deliberately wronged and mistreated, but because you have misinterpreted others' words and actions to be malicious and malevolent. You've imagined that others were intentionally trying to hurt you. However, the reality is that they never meant any harm or hurt to you at all.
2. Knowing that you have drawn some wrong conclusions along those lines should sort of relieve you and help you to realize that a lot of those times when you've thought people were purposely mistreating you or mishandling you, that was just the way you took it, and they weren't really meaning to hurt you or do anything wrong to you at all. So since you don't know now which incidents were intentional and which weren't, or which were real or which were imagined, then that should make it easier for you to just forget all those negative past experiences and forgive the people involved and start over again! You really don't need to worry about those things.
3. Even if you feel quite certain that someone has intentionally wronged or mistreated you, you should still forgive and "be not bitter against them!" (Col.3:19). Whether people intentionally hurt you or not, the best thing to do and the best habit to form is to give them the benefit of the doubt and look on the positive and the bright side, put things in the best light.--Look at things with love, which covers a multitude of sins (1Pet.4:8).
4. Just say to yourself, "Even if they did deliberately harm me, I'm going to refuse to harbor such thoughts, or let the poison of bitterness seep into my life over this! Either I'm wrong in thinking that they were deliberately harming me, or they were wrong in intentionally doing that to me. But whatever the case, I'm going to `erase erase!'--Otherwise, I could be guilty of accusing them falsely. So even if they were wrong, I'm going to forgive them just as I would want them to forgive me if I had done something wrong to them."
5. In other words, if they wronged you by actually doing something deliberately against you, you should still forgive them. And if you've wronged them by accusing them falsely for something that they didn't intend or deliberately do, you would want them to forgive you. And since the fault probably lies much more on your part than others' part, you need to forgive them for their few sins so you'll be forgiven for your many. (See Mat. 6:14-15.)
Beware of the "Accuser" and His Devices!
6. We know that the Enemy is the "accuser of the saints" (Rev.12:10). That's his job, and he does it with a vengeance! If he knows you're an easy target, he'll accuse others to you all the time, and he'll throw all the lies and doubts and mistrust about your brothers and sisters at you that he can come up with! Since you know that's his job, that he's the accuser of the saints, you should be very wary and hesitant to ever accept anything that's negative about others. You need to remember that since he's also the "father of lies" and the "author of confusion" (Jn.8:44; 1Cor. 14:33), his accusations are usually false and are designed to confuse, divide and trip you up!
7. But I'm afraid that all too often your first reaction has been to allow him to accuse others to you, charging them with all kinds of things of which they weren't even guilty. By just swallowing the Devil's lies and accusations against others without questioning or prayerfully inquiring to see if these things be so, you are "answering a matter before you really hear it, and it will be a folly and shame unto you" (Pro.18:13). If you harbor and hold on to the Enemy's accusations against others without even going to the accused parties, then you're not allowing them the possibility of clearing themselves of those false charges.
8. Now that you have already recognized and acknowledged that the Enemy has confused and hindered you in the past by causing you to question and doubt and misinterpret others' treatment of you, you should really be on your guard about those kinds of things. You should be especially on guard when you're being tempted to get on that negative track and you start thinking thoughts like, "How could so-and-so have possibly done that to me?"
9. Whenever you find yourself thinking thoughts like this, that should be an automatic warning to you that you're getting on the wrong channel. And if you find it surprising or hard to believe that someone would actually do to you what you're imagining or supposing that someone did, the very fact that you're finding it hard to believe should be a pretty good indication to you that they probably didn't deliberately do whatever it is you're imagining they did.
10. You are no longer "ignorant of the Devil's devices" (2Cor. 2:11), and you know that he will do anything he can to try to divide and set us at odds against each other; causing disunity and friction by his distortions, doubts, exaggerations, suppositions, half-truths and outright lies! So you should now be able to give others the benefit of the doubt when you're hit with such critical thoughts about them. Then just go to the person and try to talk it over, or write them a note. And if for some reason it's not possible or practical to talk with them, it's a lot safer to just figure that you're wrong in that negative outlook.--"Well, I've probably just gotten the wrong interpretation."
Putting the "Positive Construction" on Things!
11. Try to put the positive construction on things that happen between you and others, and look at them in a positive way instead of a negative way. If you don't know that they intentionally hurt you, it's much safer to give others the benefit of the doubt than it is to question or criticize their motives and possibly falsely accuse them. For example, if someone seems a little curt or grumpy towards you, you could give them the benefit of the doubt by figuring, "The reason they snapped at me is probably not because they're mad at me personally, but because they're just tired or not feeling well."
12. After all, it's not always easy for people to act bubbly and happy towards everyone if they've had a rough night or if they're afflicted with a headache, backache, or some other affliction that is causing them pain, discomfort or discouragement. So if someone doesn't give you a cheerful, enthusiastic welcome or response or greeting or whatever, try not to take it so personally; maybe they need encouragement from you! Or even if it seems like they abruptly cut off a conversation with you, you could give them the benefit of the doubt by saying to yourself, "It's not because they don't like talking with me; they probably just had something else that they had to do."
13. Whenever any of us are a little preoccupied or rushed or burdened about something or we don't have time for all the niceties, we should make an effort to explain our actions to others, and thus hopefully prevent any of these kinds of misunderstandings. We can say, "Please don't worry, I'm not upset with you. It's just that I'm tired," or "I don't feel well" or whatever.
14. But if something happens between you and someone, and you wonder about it and they don't remember to explain it to you, why don't you just try to be a little more charitable towards them and tell yourself, "Maybe he's just tired. It's not because he doesn't like me or because he's upset about something I did." Of course, in a case like that you can always ask them. But if you're unable to ask, try to take the positive view of it, not the negative.
15. So if you could learn to put the positive construction or interpretation on others' actions, then you wouldn't be so susceptible to holding grudges or feeling bitter against them. If you can say to yourself, "Well, it must be because they're tired or because they have so much on their mind," and let it go at that, you'll have a lot less problems with feeling badly towards others. Or, "I'm sure the reason they didn't smile at me must be because they just came out of a serious meeting about some problems and now they're a little burdened about it," or something.
16. Of course, it should go without saying that if you have problems with such negative and critical or doubtful thoughts about others, you should definitely pray every time you're hit with such divisive and potentially damaging "fiery darts!" Look to the Lord and resist and rebuke the Enemy and his accusations! And ask the Lord to help you think of the real reason, a good reason why the person did whatever it was that made you feel like you were being mistreated.
Insanity of Holding Grudges Against Others!
17. Maybe it will help you avoid just automatically jumping to the wrong conclusions about others if you remember that in our Family, most of our people do not deliberately do unkind or mean things to each other. In fact, they try very hard to do just the opposite!--To be kind to each other and to show love to one another and live by the Lord's Law of Love.
18. So if you find that you're holding things against a lot of people because you feel that everybody is intentionally wronging you or upset with you, it just doesn't make sense! In our Family, people are trying to live by love and be ruled by love and they're trying to do the right thing!
19. Of course, I can't guarantee that there are never any intentional hurts in the Family, but I can say that amongst Christians like ourselves who are trying to do the best we can, people usually do not deliberately wrong or hurt each other. When hurts happen, it's often because of impatience, irritability, or because someone feels overworked or under pressure, etc. It's usually because someone is having problems themselves that they wind up hurting others. But I wouldn't say that such hurts were deliberate. In other words, they aren't premeditated and they aren't done out of spite to really wrong someone, which is very often the case in the System.
20. In fact, I'd say that not only our leaders, but virtually everybody in the Family today should have learned sufficient lessons by now about the importance of loving one another and doing unto others as we would want them to do to us, so that no one would ever do anything to try to intentionally hurt someone else. We may have had some tyrants and hirelings in the past who treated people pretty badly, but we've hopefully either gotten rid of any such dictators, or they've outgrown any such petty and immature, unchristian, unloving behavior.
21. So it just doesn't make sense to think that everybody has it in for you or that everyone's wronging you or is fed up with you. It's just not logical. In fact, it's insane! It's just the Devil whispering in your ear telling you his accusations and lies!--Lies which he wants you to swallow and believe, which you probably will believe if you've developed a habit of tuning in to his negative, nagging accusations against others.
22. Even in the System, if someone starts having problems with thinking that everybody misunderstands or is mistreating them, it is looked on as a serious malady and mental disorder, which is known as "paranoia." The dictionary defines paranoia as "the tendency on the part of individuals toward excessive or irrational suspiciousness and distrustfulness of others." Another dictionary uses even stronger terms: "A disease of the mind in which the sufferer believes that others are purposely mistreating and hating them."
23. So if you easily hold grudges and find yourself frequently critical of people for the way they are supposedly mistreating you or others, and you're distrusting and suspicious of others' intents towards you, you should question yourself and realize that you're the one who's probably misinterpreting things and in the wrong--and just being paranoid! If you think that a lot of people are doing unfair things to you, and you've got a long list of grievances and wrongs that you feel not only one person did to you, but that you think several people have done to you, then the chances are good that the problem isn't with others, but with you. After all, why would everybody have it in for you? Why would all these people be intentionally misusing you or mistreating you?
Some Examples of Negative Misinterpretations!
24. An incident happened recently here in our Home between our secretaries: One complained that the other had asked her to put all requests and instructions down on paper and not tell her things in person any more, but just write everything down. The girl who complained said that she felt that the reason for this was because the other girl just didn't want to talk to her. So when I heard this complaint, my initial reaction to this girl was, "Maybe she asked you to put everything on paper because she has a poor memory and she just wants to be sure she doesn't forget anything." And after looking into the situation, it turned out that was exactly the case. Again, someone was convinced that somebody else was mistreating them or doing a wrong to them, all because of a big misinterpretation of that person's motives and actions.
25. Another time when people frequently fall into negatively misinterpreting and doubting the motives or actions of others is when they are asked to make a change.--A change of ministry, a change of location, or sometimes even just a change in their daily chores, Home responsibilities or schedule. Even after it's been explained to them that the change is being made for some other very understandable reason, all too often some people will think, "The real reason they're asking me to make this change must be because they don't think I've been doing a good enough job!"--Or, "because they just don't like me, and they like so-and-so better," or "because they're just picking on me!" How sad!--And what a terribly doubtful and accusing way to judge your brothers and sisters!
Having United Prayer Against Negativity!
26. It only takes just a little bit of charitableness and open-mindedness to think of good reasons or motives for people acting a certain way towards you, or doing or saying something to you. But if you're so stuck in a rut of listening to the Devil's lies and of thinking so much about yourself that you feel that everything that everybody does is intended as a deliberate slight against you, then you're really on the wrong channel!--And I would say that you'd better ask for prayer!
27. If you have a problem with always thinking that people are mistreating you, if you find that you're frequently putting a negative interpretation on things that people say or do to you, then you should have a definite prayer of deliverance against this problem. You should not only pray each time such negative or critical thoughts come to you, but also have specific united prayer with your Home, asking the Lord to deliver you from this device of the Enemy.
28. It's very wrong for people in our Family to have that kind of a negative attitude towards their brothers and sisters! It just shows how self-centered they are, really.--And how they're just allowing the Devil to whisper in their ear constantly, lying about other people's intentions. Dad has said, "Sensitiveness is born of pride, and pride is of the Devil!" So if you have this problem, ask for united prayer from your Home and get delivered! You don't have to carry that horrible, nagging negativity around with you all the time! Fight it and resist it and call on the Lord for deliverance, and you will be delivered!
"Let Brotherly Love Continue!" (Heb.13:1).
29. I very much believe that in most cases in the Family--probably at least in 90% of the cases, if not more--these kinds of slights are imagined. And even if they result in real hurts and someone really does feel hurt, it's usually because the person who's hurt is so sensitive. It's not because it was an intentional or purposeful slight or offense. Usually, the only reason it became a hurt was because the person took it that way, because they allowed themselves to be hurt!
30. I know that's a pretty broad statement, but no matter what anyone does to us, no matter how hurt we may feel, the Word says, "None of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself!" (Acts 20:24). If we're really looking to Jesus, regardless of what comes our way, we don't have to be so hurt by it. No matter how difficult or traumatic something may seem to be, it doesn't have to get to us--especially when we remember that "all things work together for good to them that love God" (Rom.8:28). When we can see the good in something, then it doesn't hurt us so much.
31. We have the supernatural help of the Lord at our disposal, and we have "the love of Christ which passeth knowledge" of any real or supposed wrongdoings (Eph.3:19). He is more than willing to help us to let go of emotional hurts and pain, to "erase erase" and forget and cover things in love. You can always call out to the Lord, "Lord, I'm determined to really trust You about what's happened! So help me now to forgive; help me to forget."--And the Lord will hear you and help you and keep you from becoming hurt or bitter!
32. So let's try to give each other the benefit of the doubt and not accuse or judge others harshly or in a way that we would not want others to judge us! "For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged! And with what measure ye mete to others, it shall be measured to you again! Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them; for this is the Law and the prophets!" (Mat.7:2,12).
33. And let's be on guard against the Enemy and his dirty devices, and "neither give place to the Devil" and his lies, accusations and negative thoughts against others! Let's try to remember what the Lord and Dad showed us in the "Stand in the Gap" Letter (ML #70), and let's keep the spiritual walls of our unity and fellowship standing strong against the Wicked One and all of his fiery darts of dissension, discord and disunity! Amen? GBY! ILY!
34. "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, if there be any praise, think on these things! And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. And above all things have fervent love among yourselves: for love shall cover the multitude of sins" (Phil.4:8; Eph.4:32; 1Pet.4:8). (--Amen!--D.)
Copyright (c) 1998 by The Family