CHILDCARE DISCIPLINE JEWELS!
DO 1707, 1712, 1710, 1711, 1705, 1706
3/72-12/83
Excerpts from:
"Rules Are to Be Obeyed," by Maria, ML #1707, Sept. 1983;
"Home Discipline," ML #1712, 12/3/72;
"Child Discipline," ML #1710, 3/76;
"Baby & Toddler Discipline," ML #1711, 10/83;
"Dad on Discipline," ML #1705, '82-'83;
"The Need to Discipline," by Maria, ML #1706, 12/83.
[HomeARC note (9/98): The Charter is the source of current Family policy and rules regarding the discipline of minors.]
1. (MARIA: NOWADAYS IN OUR HOMES WE OFTEN HAVE A NUMBER OF FAMILIES LIVING TOGETHER WITH A LARGE NUMBER OF CHILDREN. We've found that there is sometimes a problem due to the fact that some of the parents within the Home choose to discipline their children more strictly, or for certain offenses, while other parents in the Home are more lenient on their own children for the same offense. Therefore the Home lacks a real unified standard of rules & regulations which the children are expected to obey. This can certainly confuse the children as well as lead to disunity & contention between the adults.
2. (THE ANSWER HAS TO BE REAL STRICT DISCIPLINE FROM THE VERY BEGINNING FOR EVERYONE--adults & children alike! It's important that all the parents & children know & agree upon all the rules the children are expected to obey, so that anyone can discipline any of the children & not just the particular mother or father of the offending child! And it's important when a child is disobedient that the judgement & punishment is swift.
3. (SO IT SHOULD WORK THAT EVERYBODY IN THE HOME CAN DISCIPLINE THE CHILDREN IF AGREED UPON, & it can be so if all the adults know & agree upon the different measures of punishment for certain disobediences & that everyone knows what those disobediences are, including the children! If everyone knows the rules, agrees & abides by them, then everyone can discipline the children, not just the parents! The parents must trust their childcare helpers to do what's best & agree upon the rules together.
4. (ACTUALLY, IN THE LONG RUN, IT TAKES A LOT LESS TIME TO DISCIPLINE THE CHILDREN RIGHT, THAN IT DOES TO LET THEM RUN WILD, because if you have five, six or up to ten children in the house running around loose, it's going to take all of the parents' or keepers' time just to keep the kids corralled. But, if you have strong discipline & reasonable limitations for the children to abide by, it would be much easier & would take less time on everybody's part.
5. (THE IMPORTANT THING TO DO IS TO HAVE ALL OF THE ADULTS GET TOGETHER & SET DOWN THE RULES THAT EVERYBODY FOLLOWS--like children aren't allowed to scream unless they're really hurt or in danger, & they aren't allowed to hit each other, they should never go out in the yard or pool by themselves, they should always wear shoes when going outside, etc. Whatever the rules are, everybody should get together & discuss them & agree, which means, of course, those who are generally too lenient may have to compromise a bit & become more firm, & those who are perhaps overstrict may have to let up a little bit. Whatever the case, you have to come to a happy medium that everybody is going to agree upon & that everybody is going to follow & that you all decide & agree upon together!
6. (IT'S ALSO BEST, IF POSSIBLE, THAT THE OLDER CHILDREN AT LEAST ATTEND THE MEETING & AGREE to the rules or have their own meeting, & even make up some of their own rules, if possible. Not only the adults should agree to the rules, but you should give the kids some say-so too. Give the children a chance to speak up too, let them learn to help make decisions.
7. (THINGS HAVE TO BE RUN LIKE AN ARMY because you just can't always treat each child individually in a large Home with a lot of children, & the more people you have, the more regimented & organized things have to be.
8. (ONCE EVERYBODY KNOWS THE RULES & EVERYBODY KNOWS THE PUNISHMENTS FOR BREAKING THE RULES, then if a child breaks a rule he should have whatever punishment was decided upon unitedly by the body! If they're going to get away with things then they're going to lose confidence in the adults that let them get away with disobedience!
9. (PERHAPS IN SOME HOMES THE CHILDREN HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH WORD OVER THE YEARS & they lack spiritual depth, so it's harder to convict them for their sins & mistakes by using the Word, which would be the best & is the most ideal method. However, if bad behaviour has persisted & the children are rowdy & unruly, you can't wait until you've invested years of grounding them in the Word before you begin to discipline them! The thing you need then is firm definite discipline in order to keep order within the house! Even many Worldly homes have some sort of order & peace in their house so the home is not in complete chaos!
10. (THE WORD, OF COURSE, HELPS MOTIVATE THE CHILDREN TO DO THE RIGHT THING, & THAT ALONG WITH [DISCIPLINE] IS DEFINITELY THE LONG-TERM SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM. But the immediate solution is strong discipline for unruly children. So it's definitely worthwhile to have a meeting with the kids & decide with them what the house rules are going to be. Maybe you should just sit'm down & tell'm that you're all going to try to turn over a new leaf & there's not going to be any more running & screaming & naughty, rowdy behaviour in the house, etc.
11. (EVERYBODY WILL KNOW WHAT'S EXPECTED OF THEM--the children will know what is expected of them, the adults will know what is expected of the children & the adults will be able to discipline accordingly. Of course, it will take a rewiring & a renewing of the parents, but they're just going to have to accept that other people in the house should [discipline] their children if necessary, knowing that they'll be getting [disciplined] for the things that you agreed to have them [disciplined] for! Our Family children belong to all of us & we're all responsible for them.
12. (ONE OF THE MAJOR PROBLEMS IS TO GET EVERYBODY TO AGREE. But with lots of prayer & the Letters as your guideline, every Home should be able to come to an agreement! You have to continually administer the Word to motivate them to do the right thing & to help them to get convicted by the Spirit when they're disobedient.
13. (SOMEONE BROUGHT OUT, "WELL, WHAT HAPPENS IF WE GO TO ANOTHER HOME & THEIR STANDARD IS DIFFERENT?" If you're just going to visit the Home, well, that's their Home & that's their business & their standard may differ somewhat from yours. We shouldn't really have different standards too much. It would be preferable if everybody could have pretty much the same standards in the Family, following the Letters, but we haven't been able to cover every detail & rule of discipline in the MO Letters & Children's Life Stories. Therefore every Home will have to strive to obey the Family Standard as prayerfully & as best as they know how!
14. (THE LONG-TERM GOAL IS TO ENCOURAGE THE CHILDREN TO OBEY OUT OF LOVE & that they know what's right & what's wrong & therefore choose to do the right thing, but as we said before, if they don't, & if you have a problem, you have to have a solution, by enforcing strong discipline which is bound to bear good fruit! It might not be the best way, because the best way would have been to start teaching them the Word right from the beginning & to have disciplined right from the start, but nevertheless, you can start now to enforce the rules!
15. (ENFORCING A REASONABLE STANDARD OF DISCIPLINE FOR YOUR KIDS & REALLY KEEPING THEM IN LINE WILL HELP THEM TO GROW UP OBEYING NOT ONLY YOU BUT THE LORD. Ideally we're to try & explain things to children & help them to understand why they did wrong & take the time to reason with them, but if you've got a major problem on your hands & lots of screaming kids & they're already unruly, rowdy & undisciplined, then it's not time to explain.--It's time for laying down the law! Once you've got them in order & in line & more obedient, then you can start investing more time to train them more thoroughly the way they need to be trained. Regardless of what you do & how you do it, it's an absolute necessity, especially in a large Home, to have some sort of united disciplinary measures in order to have some order in the Home, & later in their lives they'll be glad you did! They may not like it now, but in time the children will learn to love & respect you for it!
16. (REMEMBER: THE MAIN KEY IS TO GET EVERYONE IN THE HOME TOGETHER ON IT, MAKE THE RULES TOGETHER & AGREE TOGETHER, because it's very hard to live together & have your children grow up in harmony if everyone doesn't train & discipline the children in the same way. You should be able to get together, agree to some guidelines according to the Letters & be consistent! You can't just have some rules that you're going to keep this month & then next month forget about!
17. (ANOTHER MAJOR PROBLEM IS THAT TOO MANY PARENTS SEEM TO CONSIDER THEIR CHILDREN "EXCEPTIONS" & "SPECIAL CASES," but there are certain Home rules which have to be obeyed by everyone, whether there are exceptional cases or not. There's just no exception for screaming, &/or striking your brothers or sisters, direct disobedience or defiance, or any other such offenses. Some children may be slower in their education or understanding or special talents, & these are things that you should try to bring out in a child & help him with. There are exceptions in some children intellectually or emotionally but as far as discipline goes, all the children in the Family from the youngest to the oldest need certain rules laid out that they all just have to obey & these rules should be agreed upon by everyone concerned.
18. (SO OUR PARENTS WHO WON'T DISCIPLINE THEIR CHILDREN ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN TO, & START NOW! And when they're not with their own child, they shouldn't be hurt or sensitive about his getting correction from others! They're just going to have to let the people who help take care of him go ahead & do it, because we can't put up with foolishness & rowdiness & defiance in our children! Thank God for the parents & helpers we have who do discipline & know how to apply [correction] & the Word!
19. (I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYBODY WOULD MIND THEIR CHILD BEING DISCIPLINED. You know that every [correction] they get is helping them to be a better child in the future & it's really worth it all. Some people go to the extremes, of course, & if it's unjustified or harsh, that's something different, but that shouldn't have to happen in our Family!
20. (CHILDREN REALLY NEED TO GET DISCIPLINED WHEN THEY'RE YOUNG, & ESPECIALLY TODDLERS! With almost any age I think you can remold & help even a bad child. The Lord will help you in extreme cases [to] discipline them out of it in some way. With any age child I think it's possible with the Lord & His miracle-working power to help him change with good consistent discipline & real prayers! You have to use discipline no matter what age they are & how good they've been. Everyone needs a standard of rules to abide by! If you miss administering correction too often, you're going to eventually have a big problem to untangle.
21. (BOY, OH BOY! I MIGHT HAVE TALKED ABOUT "LOVE IS THE ANSWER" BUT I'LL TELL YOU, I AM HAPPY WHEN SARA [CORRECTS] MY KIDS. I WOULD TOO IF I HAD'M! That is love! And I might even [correct] them more than she does! I don't have much patience & I would really clamp down if necessary & they had better behave! Not having much patience of course, is not a good reason for disciplining, just because of your own impatience, but I mean I wouldn't let kids get away with bad behaviour, because I know it's just not worth it to let them get away with things, even for a short time!
22. (ON THE OTHER HAND, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH DISCIPLINING IN RIGHTEOUS ANGER over wrongdoing. God does that! We should get angry over sin. Maybe it's good not to be too patient & tolerant with some children, because at least then you don't let them get away with things! Patience isn't always a virtue. It is in some cases, but boy, with misbehaving children you shouldn't have too much!
23. (SO I DON'T THINK DISCIPLINE HURTS ANYBODY & I think it's good for children, they need to get it, at the very least it keeps them humble. It's very humbling to get discipline--at least it keeps the children from getting so spoiled, proud & self-righteous, & feeling like they never do anything wrong!
24. (THE THING I DON'T LIKE IS NAGGING constantly at kids when they're not doing anything really wrong, but just things that annoy you. In that case, you need to find some way that you can direct the child effectively without your having to nag & nag & nag.--What you're doing obviously isn't effective if you have to keep nagging & telling the children over & over to follow through with your instruction.
25. (THE YOUNGER THE CHILDREN ARE THE MORE THEY PROBABLY NEED SOME KIND OF PUNISHMENT WHEN NECESSARY. You probably can find other ways to discipline, but if after a few warnings or a few different attempts to train them you still find they just won't behave, then I think a smack is pretty effective, especially on little kids & strong-willed toddlers! Whatever kind of discipline you impose, whatever you find works best, I think you should surely enforce it & carry it out, & it's really worth it! The Bible says so! (Heb.12:11)
26. (THERE IS SUCH A THING AS HAVING TOO MUCH PATIENCE. There are a lot of times you shouldn't have patience, because you need to nip things in the bud & not wait too long. Patience is perhaps not such a good virtue in this case, because you need to get stirred up & angry once in a while & you need to immediately punish disobediences & correct problem situations before they go too far.
27. (THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH A LOT OF PARENTS, THEY LET BAD BEHAVIOUR GO ON & ON & ON, & finally they get angry because it's so annoying or damaging that they just finally explode! Then the poor child wonders, "Well, why didn't they tell me before? Why did you wait? I'm doing the very same thing that I've been doing for a long time, but now you're suddenly exploding at me over it, but before you didn't say a thing!" That's confusing to the child!
28. (IT MUST REALLY BE CONFUSING TO CHILDREN, THE INCONSISTENT WAY ADULTS TREAT THEM, REALLY CONFUSING. Even if the childcare helpers do a good job at child training, it is all torn down when the poor child goes back to his mother, who never [corrects] him when he needs it the most!
29. (THE POOR LITTLE CHILD MUST BE CONFUSED ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE IN STANDARD! He may think that everybody else is mean to him & only Mommy is nice to him, & then he of course won't learn to respect her. If you don't discipline children, you really will have a problem on your hands. If kids aren't disciplined properly & trained in the fear of God, my goodness, they'll just be little monsters like System kids!
30. (INCONSISTENT DISCIPLINE IS SUCH A BAD SAMPLE FOR THE OTHERS IN THE HOME, not only the other parents--they should know better--but the other kids! When you have either inconsistent, different standards of discipline for a child or different standards for different children, or if some children are allowed to get away with bad behaviour in front of the other kids, it's a very bad sample!
31. (A MOTHER LIKE THAT IS JUST GOING TO HAVE TO START DISCIPLINING THE CHILD WHETHER SHE WANTS TO OR NOT, & the best time to start would be right now! She'll have to just sit down & have a talk with her child & tell him she hasn't been good to him because she hasn't been [correcting] him when he's naughty. She needs to [correct] him like the Bible & Grandpa tell us to, so he'll be a good boy, and explain: "I'm very sorry that I didn't before! Please forgive me."
32. (IT'S NOT GOOD EITHER IF THE ONLY TIME YOU SIT DOWN & TALK WITH A CHILD IS WHEN YOU'RE GIVING HIM A [PUNISHMENT] OR A SCOLDING. That really isn't very good for the child when he needs so much more love & praise for the good things he does! Children need someone to be close to, they need to feel needed & appreciated, just like everyone, & one of the best ways to show your love & concern for a child is to talk with him, hear him out, cuddle him close & let him know you're trying to help him through his battles.
33. (YOU'RE WORKING TOWARDS THE END RESULT OF TRAINING CHILDREN TO BE OBEDIENT & LOVING, so however you treat them & however severe the discipline has to be, if it gets the end result, that's what you're aiming at!
34. (WHAT YOU'RE AIMING FOR IS THAT THE CHILDREN HAVE GOOD BEHAVIOUR & OBEY THE RULES! There should be good general rules in the house so the kids learn to live like civilised human beings, with a little bit of kindness & courtesy! Perhaps the punishment is not as severe for more sensitive children as it is for a more rebellious child; nevertheless the rules should be the same for all & be obeyed, even if the punishments may vary for different age groups or exceptional, individual cases. All this should be agreed upon by the adults in your regular childcare prayer meetings. By the way, the Homes that have regular childcare council meetings seem to be the ones with the least problem children!
35. (PARENTS WHO LACK A STANDARD OF DISCIPLINE ARE MAKING IT DIFFICULT ON THEMSELVES! Having this bedlam & confusion & inconsistency is certainly doing the kids a lot more damage than good, without disciplinary standards to follow. Dad says we all need rules! Even we as adults aren't mature enough to be always only ruled by vague ideas of love. Even some worldly people believe in discipline, so there's no excuse for us not doing it. You don't even have to be spiritually strong to make your kids obey. If children are brought up properly from the beginning then they'll want to obey.
36. (SO PUT DOWN SPECIFIC GUIDELINES & IT MAKES THINGS SO MUCH EASIER! The kids can't do it alone, so make it easy for them to be good! Lay down rules! If it doesn't work, then get together & change your method! "Okay kids, we need to change a few rules now because it wasn't working the old way." You can use extra prodding as an inducement to obey, or persuasion, but however they're treated, they all need to obey. If they break the law they must be corrected for it! They may have specialised attention in other areas perhaps, but rules are to be obeyed! There's no reason why we can't have good behaviour in our Homes! Amen?)
37. AND LAW WITHOUT ENFORCEMENT IS NO LAW AT ALL! If you don't enforce it, your word means nothing. The law is then of none effect. One reason I respected my mother & father was, once they gave their word on something, I knew they were going to do it! If ever I got away with something, I lost my respect for my parents. Law without enforcement is no law at all. Rules without discipline are no rules. Crime without punishment becomes no crime at all.
38. WHY DO YOU THINK GOD SAYS, "SPARE NOT THE ROD [PUNISHMENT] FOR HIS CRYING"? (Pr.19:18) They start yelling long before you [punish them], because they're afraid & don't want to be spanked! A lot of these people will scream louder before their sentence than afterwards, trying to forestall punishment.
39. BUT JUDGEMENT WITHOUT LOVE IS ALSO JUST AS BAD! You may just reap in your children exactly what you sowed--especially if you don't discipline them!--Especially if you're that way & you don't want to be punished & God lets you get away with it! Then you're apt to think you ought to let your kids get away with it. And if you don't do it with love, it hasn't got the right effect either.
40. WHEN I TAUGHT HIGH SCHOOL FOR THREE YEARS, DISCIPLINE WAS THE MAJOR PROBLEM, because without discipline & order in the classroom, people being on time & behaving, nobody could learn anything or get anything done! So I had to figure out various ways of disciplining the guilty ones.
41. AND REMEMBER: BETTER NEVER TO HAVE PROMISED THAT [PUNISHMENT], THAN TO HAVE PROMISED IT & NOT GIVEN IT!--Because then your child will really know you're a liar & you don't intend to keep your word & you're a very lax parent! Disciplining a child is hard work, just as hard, if not harder, on the parent than on the child! [L]ecturing & punishing & keeping up with a child & catching him in everything he's done wrong is hard work! You can't let him get away with a thing, otherwise you'll end up with a spoiled child who thinks he can get away with murder, & sometimes he might!--Or try to!
43. NOW OF COURSE THE THREAT OF PUNISHMENT IS ONE OF THE MOST EFFECTIVE DETERRENTS. If the child is putting up a big unnecessary fuss say, "I'm going to spank you!" & raise up your hand & show him you're going to swat him next time if he doesn't stop! And when he sees what you're going to do, he should desist. Then of course, if he keeps persisting then just swat him.
44. FOR LITTLE THINGS THE KIDS DID WITH THEIR HANDS I JUST TOOK THEIR HAND IN MINE & SWATTED IT like that. Take their hand right in yours, palm down & spank it. You're supporting their palm [to prevent injury]. You lay it out flat on your hand!
45. IF HE SAYS SOMETHING NAUGHTY OR DOES SOMETHING NAUGHTY WITH HIS MOUTH, spitting out his food, real naughty like sticking dirt in his mouth or something he's not supposed to put in his mouth, you can slap his mouth. One of the most dangerous things you can do, which used to be a common practice, is box them on the ear, & many a child's eardrum has been broken that way. Don't ever [swat] a child on the side of the head where the ears are.
46. I DO THINK WE OUGHT TO GET UP A LIST OF STANDARD RULES OF CHASTISEMENTS OR PUNISHMENTS FOR CHILDREN.--At least an example of what I used to do with mine. You know, like if they said anything naughty I washed their mouth out with soap. I always believed in punishing the offending member, & if they hit somebody I'd smack their hand that they hit with. If they bopped them over the head with something, I'd bop them over the head with it to see how it felt!
47. ANYHOW, TRY TO FIT THE PUNISHMENT TO THE CRIME!--PUNISH THE OFFENDING MEMBER firmly & surely, after fair warning & threats, so they know what's coming if they persist.--And do it consistently without fail so they'll know they've always surely & certainly got it coming if they do the thing you warned'm not to.
48. BE SURE YOUR FIRST ADMONITION IS LOVING, GENTLE & PRAYERFUL & WITH A GOOD REASON, a cheerful warning as to why. But if they persist, sock it to'm!--But never with such harsh or severe force as to actually injure, only hurt. Do it in love as the Lord does (Heb.12).--And if you really love them, & they know it & love you, they'll eventually keep your commandments! (Jn.14:15)--And everybody will be happier in the end!--Amen?
49. EVEN BABIES & TODDLERS ARE SMARTER THAN YOU THINK, LET ME TELL YOU! They'll test your patience & test your discipline & test your warnings & threats & punishments & all the rest, whether you're going to follow through. If you think they can't understand what you're saying, you're mistaken! They test your discipline to see if you really mean it!
50. BUT THEY CAN BE TAUGHT!--Especially from six months on they're already beginning to understand your language. They understand what you're saying a long time before they start talking, & one of the first words they understand is "No!"
51. CHILDREN DON'T UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON, BUT THEY TRUST YOU THAT YOU UNDERSTAND, & that what you say goes & what you say is true & they believe you. You can teach a child the truth in almost anything if you just teach'm, because they trust you & believe you & they'll believe it. PG!--And that's the way we have to do with the Lord. We just have to believe it because God said so. Just like sometimes I say, "You do it because Daddy said so!" You don't have to always understand why, right?
52. WHEN MY LITTLE CHILDREN WERE SMALL I'D TEACH'M THEY SHOULD NEVER SCREAM UNLESS THEY WERE HURT & NEEDED HELP, 'cause then if I heard'm scream I knew they really needed help! So it's good never to cry "wolf, wolf," or scream for help unless you really need help, right?
53. OH BOY, OUR KIDS USED TO CRY & BAWL WHEN MOMMY & DADDY WERE GOING TO GO SOMEPLACE or go out & they had to stay home! But the minute we were in the car, out the driveway, & around the corner out of sight, the babysitters would tell us afterwards that they stopped crying immediately & forgot all about us! They see then there's no more hope & they quit throwing their tantrums & they quit their whining & crying. There comes a time when you just have to lay down the law & be firm, that's it, & there's no use for them trying to persuade any longer, they're not going to get their way! There are times when you have to be firm!
54. I'VE OFTEN SAID, CHILDREN ARE THE GREATEST CHILD PSYCHOLOGISTS IN THE WORLD & THEY'LL PULL PSYCHOLOGY ON YOU! They'll outsmart you, too, if you let'm. They're very smart. They know more about it than you do, you've just gotta keep at least one jump ahead of them.
55. SO DON'T LET THE KIDS GET AWAY WITH A THING, I'LL TELL YOU! YOU'LL BE SORRY IF YOU DO! Don't be too harsh & severe, but after repeated warnings so that you've made it very clear what you mean & they really understand what you're talking about--just like the Lord does with us--& they keep right on at it, wilfully, knowingly & defiantly doing it to see if you really mean it, then you've gotta show'm you mean it!
56. YOU'VE GOTTA PUT IT ACROSS THAT YOU'RE DISPLEASED, DON'T INTERRUPT IT BY BEING TOO NICE ABOUT IT. You've gotta let'm know that it has incurred your wrath & displeasure & it doesn't provoke smiles & all that stuff. Then if they do it absolutely deliberately, defiantly, rebelliously & they know it--& even at an early age they can do that--then you've gotta [punish them]!--And it's usually the offending member that I always gave a [swat] to!--After you've warned them & you've illustrated what you're going to do.
57. AFTER ALL, YOU OUGHT TO BE SMARTER THAN THEY ARE BY THIS TIME! But they're so sharp & so fast, I'll tell you, they'll pass you up if you don't watch out. You've gotta keep up with them!
58. IT TAKES NOT ONLY A LOT OF PRAYER & A LOT OF LOVE, BUT ALSO FIRM CONSISTENCY! You can't do it once & then not do it the next time. Once you miss, they figure, "Well, maybe this next time is going to be the miss again! Maybe this next time I can get away with it!" That's why the Lord has to be so consistent in His chastisement. I don't think I ever got away with anything with the Lord, I knew I'd always get it, & that's why He's consistent & has to sock it to you if you get out of line. Because if you think you can get away with it once, you figure, "Well, maybe I can get away with it again!"
59. YOU'VE GOTTA BE CONSISTENT! You can't just do it one time & not do it the next, & you don't dare make a threat or a warning that you don't fulfill. Because if you warn them not to do a certain thing & promise'm a slap on the hand or "If you say that word again I'm going to smack your mouth," & just to test if you mean it they do it & then you don't give them the chastisement you promised, that's the worst thing you can do! Because then they'll figure, "Well, I didn't get it that time, I'll try it again!"
60. INCONSISTENT DISCIPLINE IS THE WORST KIND OF DISCIPLINE! It is no discipline at all, it's even worse! Then because you let them get away with it one time they feel like you're unjustified & unjust if next time you sock'm for it, so you have to be consistent. Be frank, be fair, be honest, be loving, but be firm & then be consistent!
61. DON'T PROMISE IT UNLESS YOU'RE WILLING TO FOLLOW THROUGH! Many's the time I vowed a vow I was sorry I had to fulfill. There were times when I think I was a little too severe & a little too harsh & I was a little too quick to promise retribution. If you make your laws too strict, people are bound to break'm! The governments themselves have made criminals out of a lot of people by making rules that nobody can keep, sort of like the Mosaic Law. That's why the Lord cancelled'm & then suffered for us Himself to free us!
62. SO DON'T MAKE YOUR RULES SO STRICT THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE SORRY IF YOU DO HAVE TO KEEP'M OR MAKE THEM KEEP'M! There were times when I was a little too harsh, a little too strict, I got angry & threatened something: "You do that again & I'm going to do so-&-so!"--And later when I cooled off & they did it, I was sorry I had to follow through. And they were sorry too & felt that it was unjustified & they weren't deserving of such harsh punishment, & they were probably right.
63. AND THAT IS ALSO ONE OF THE WORST THINGS YOU CAN DO--TO GIVE PUNISHMENT THAT IS TOO SEVERE, TOO HARSH, MORE THAN THE CRIME OR DISOBEDIENCE REALLY JUSTIFIES. You need to make it very clear what the rules are, & one of the best things you can do is get them to agree to the rules. If we had a new rule or something that we thought was necessary about something that was causing a problem, I'd get the Family together, the kids & folks who lived with us, & I'd say: "Here's what I think we ought to do, what do you think? I think we ought to make this rule now, do you think it's a good idea?"
64. THE TIMES WHEN I'VE BEEN SORRY THAT I ENFORCED RULES IS WHEN I WAS SORRY THAT I HAD MADE THE RULE, because I realised it wasn't that important. But I had to stick to it anyhow because otherwise the child wouldn't respect me & would think they could get away with it again, or that the next time I wouldn't enforce another rule. You have got to decide on what rules must be obeyed without fail, & without exception, & what rules can be sometimes relaxed & exceptions made. But you have to have the wisdom of God to know the difference, which is which: Which ones you must enforce without fail & on which you can be merciful. Even God does that.
65. GOD HAS LOTS OF RULES. HE MADE LOTS OF RULES IN HIS FIRST STANDARD OF THE MOSAIC LAW, which was His original standard. But under the Law of Love He has even more rigidly enforced some rules, & under Love He has relaxed some others so they're not as tough. We just have to have the Wisdom of the Lord to know the difference, just when to stick to your guns & when to sometimes encourage them & agree to do things their way.
66. THE FIRST WARNING IS: "DON'T DO IT!" You don't have to threaten them the very first time, just tell'm "Don't do it, it's not good!" Let them make the decision themselves to obey without your having to threaten them. "Forbear threatening" (Eph.6:9) if you can, although I've found it does a lot of good sometimes! But the first time I don't necessarily threaten. Then when they repeat it, second offense, that deserves a good warning & a clear-cut promise of what you're going to do if they do it the third time. That was our usual system. Just be sure you don't forgive & you don't repent & you don't release your discipline until they really repent & say they're sorry! Don't you be the only one that's sorry & the only one that wants to forget it, because then they'll figure, "Well, he's sorry but I'm not!"--Amen?--GBAKY firm!
67. LATER, WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE TEENS: YOU JUST HAVE TO LET TEENAGERS MAKE MANY OF THEIR OWN DECISIONS. If you've trained them right, they'll almost invariably, maybe not right away, but as the Scriptures says, they will eventually make the right decision, because they know you're right, they know the Lord's right & they know they're wrong & they'll eventually make the right decision, either just through obedience or through bitter experience.
68. BUT I CAN REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A CHILD WHEN MY FATHER LET ME GET AWAY WITH SOMETHING, I was really kind of surprised & disappointed in him. I lost a little respect for him because I expected to really get clobbered for something because I felt like I deserved it & should have, but he didn't! And I think my respect went down a little bit because he either didn't catch me or didn't enforce it. He let me get away with things. I didn't think I should have been allowed to get away with it!
69. EACH CHILD HAS A PERSONALITY ALL THEIR OWN & each one has to be dealt with according to their own particular characteristics & personality. So God's just gotta give you wisdom, to know what to insist on & what to demand. My advice would be, don't make any rules you don't have to. The fewer strict rules you have the better, as far as hard & fast rules that are going to merit punishment & they're gonna get [punished] for it if disobeyed! The fewer tough rules there are the better.--Just like the Lord has relaxed the Old Law & put us under Love, where we obey voluntarily under love. God's given us an example & we should try to persuade the children to do the best thing. God has us make our own decisions. That's what He's done with us! He's put us here to teach us to learn to make the right decision!
70. WHAT'S GOD'S EXAMPLE? HE HAS PUT US HERE ON THIS EARTH & GIVEN US FREE WILL, the right of choice--what to do or what not to do. He allowed Adam & Eve to go ahead & disobey, to learn by bitter experience what they wouldn't learn by teaching, by the Word or by being told. They wouldn't learn it that way, so they had to learn it the hard way. So using God's example, you have to do it much in the same way. We teach & train the children & finally say, "Well, if you don't, you're gonna suffer so-&-so" & then you have to follow through!
71. AND THEN ON THE OTHER HAND, A LOT OF THINGS WE HAVE TO BE ABLE TO PERSUADE THEM TO DO BECAUSE IT'S RIGHT & because of love, & have them make the decision themselves! So now, when folks are no longer under the Old Law, they don't do it just because they have to, but because they want to. This is what God's been working on all the time, to persuade us to do things through the right loving motivation, because we want to do what's right, because we love Him & we love others. Therefore, we want to do what's right! And not just because we're made to, forced to, because of fear of punishment. That's the Old Law!
72. WE KNEW SOME PARENTS WHO'D REALLY BEEN TOUGH ON THEIR KIDS, hard & cruel & mean, & even if they were right, the kids never felt any love, no real concern, no reasoning, no rationalisation, no explaining, no motivation, no love. Therefore they never learned love--love of God, love of parents, love of others. They just never learned the right motivation. Whereas love is really the stricter law in the long run because it really goes further than anything else. The Old Law was only obeyed because they had to & they were made to & they would only do as much as they were made to do, whereas love goes all the way! It'll go to the death for someone else to do the right thing.
73. SOME PARENTS BREAK THEIR CHILDREN & JUST BREAK THEIR STUBBORN WILL BY FORCE, but that child will always be stubborn anyhow whenever he gets a chance. He'll only obey the law as long as the law enforcer is there, & like a lot of Holiness kids, the minute they got out of sight of their parents, & got away at College, they went wild!
74. WHEN I WAS BAD MY PARENTS USED TO MAKE ME STAND WITH MY NOSE AGAINST THE WALL & RECITE ALL THE SCRIPTURES THAT I KNEW!--Yes, in the corner! I had to begin with the first Psalm & recite every Psalm I knew all the way through the 103rd, & that's a lot of Psalms because I knew a lot of them! Every time I was bad I had to learn a Psalm, so I knew a lot of Psalms! Ha! And then when I was bad again they made me stand in a corner & recite them all! I can remember my parents doing that to me many a time when I was naughty & did something they didn't like.
75. USUALLY THEY STOOD ME WITH MY NOSE IN THE CORNER & A BIBLE IN MY HAND & I HAD TO LEARN A CHAPTER OUT OF THE BIBLE WHILE I WAS STANDING THERE. I didn't get to leave the corner until I knew the whole chapter. Good idea, huh? Well, I sure learned a lot of Scripture that way.
76. SO AGAIN, ACCORDING TO GOD'S OWN EXAMPLE, THE BEST WAY IS THE LOVE WAY! The best way is the gentle way & not the breaking way & the force way or the legal way of the Old Law! The best law is Love, & along with Love comes reasoning, persuasion, explaining, teaching, the Word & all the rest, so that they can make their own decisions, because they'll stick to it far better if they decide to do it themselves because they want to do right! They should want to do the right thing & want to do right, & that'll go a lot further than only doing right because you're there to make'm! If the gentling & the persuading & the love & the reasoning & the leading, the teaching doesn't work & they're still stubbornly wilfully disobedient, then you've got to apply [discipline]!
77. AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING--REWARDS--GOD USES REWARDS A LOT. It's a great thing for children! Some parents are so strict about punishment, but they forget when the kids are good to reward them! God has a definite system of rewards, even in Heaven--both here & hereafter! The rewards are important!
78. (MARIA: LORD HELP US ALL TO FIND THE RIGHT BALANCE IN THESE IMPORTANT MATTERS OF DISCIPLINING OUR CHILDREN. Each Home is going to have to really pray desperately for the Lord's love & wisdom to know what to do in each individual situation. Thank the Lord we have Jesus, the Bible & the Letters as our standard & guideline, & our children can be trained in the way that they should go!
79. (PERHAPS PARENTS & HELPERS SHOULD ASK THEMSELVES THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS REGARDING THEIR STANDARD OF CHILD TRAINING:
--Do you strive to teach your children according to the Word, in love & train him to love Jesus & others?
--Do your children have a healthy fear of the Lord & want most of all to please Him?
--Do they fear you & want to also please you by being good & obedient?
--Is your disciplinary standard according to the Letters & are you obeying the rules as you expect the children to do?
--Are your children fully aware of the house & behaviour rules & know the consequences should they not obey them?
--Are you praying unitedly daily for wisdom in the training of your children & anticipating their needs?
--Are you putting the Word & the Lord first in their lives & being an example of this yourself?)
Amen? GBAKY firm! GBAKY disciplining!
Copyright (c) 1998 by The Family