MY CONFESSION!--I Was an Alcoholic!      DO1406
Tropix!--Summer '82

         1. I'M MAKING A CONFESSION: I'm ashamed to admit that I damaged my stomach. The worst time I did it was after Rachel & Emanuele left us & a whole bunch of top leaders departed at the time of the RNR. I guess I got mad at the Lord & I said, "Well, Lord, if everybody else is going to quit, I might as well give up & quit too!"--And I drank too much. Lord forgive me. It's my own fault, I was trying to end it all! I was trying to drink myself to death, believe it or not! Does that shock you? Well, now you know! Well, I was shocked, I was hurt, I was discouraged. I felt like, "Lord, this is too much, I just want to die! If everybody's going to quit, I might as well quit too!"
         2. I DIDN'T EAT HARDLY A BITE OF FOOD FOR THREE WEEKS! I'm ashamed to admit it--but you might as well know how bad I am & how merciful the Lord is, how good He is to both you & me--I drank 69 bottles of sherry in 21 days! That's over three bottles a day! I lived on sherry for 3 weeks--& almost died on it too! That's what burned up my stomach & my esophagus & my throat.
         3. I GOT AN INFECTION IN MY THROAT, that was one of the things that started it & got me discouraged, & I thought if I drank enough sherry maybe I'd kill it! I'm sure the prayer did it more good than anything else & the Lord finally healed me of that, but in the meantime I drank too much & I haven't recovered fully from that three weeks. Well, I'm making a confession to you tonight to help you understand. Maybe it will help you.
         4. YOU SUFFER SOMETIMES FOR YOUR OWN SINS, YOUR OWN CARELESSNESS, PRAYERLESSNESS, HASTE & LACK OF CAUTION & heeding safety rules. And most of all, somehow or another disobeying the Lord or doing something where, in a sense, bound by His Own rules & His Own laws, He can't protect you & He has to let the Devil spank you or punish you or scorch you or give you what you deserve for violating the rules! I REALLY PRAYED ABOUT IT, & THE ANSWER I GOT WAS: "WELL, YOU CAUSED IT! You abused your body, you injured the tissues, it all began with that drinking bout in Switzerland."
         5. SOMETIMES THE LORD DOESN'T DELIVER YOU & YOU HAVE TO SUFFER. I've known cases where they had to suffer the rest of their lives for the damage they'd done, either to somebody else or their own body or life or wife or whatever! Even though you're saved, you can commit sins for which God will require your life of you! Now normally I think that kind of sin is the sin like backsliding & the Lord just had to remove them because they were a bad witness, a bad testimony, an evil influence on others.--"A sin unto death." I hope the Lord maybe will be a little more merciful to me because I'm trying to be honest!
         6. ON THOSE TWO OCCASIONS WHEN I CONFESSED & ASKED THE LORD TO FORGIVE ME FOR WANTING TO DIE, BOTH TIMES HE SENT TECHI TO HEAL ME! I stopped drinking in the Swiss house & the other time in the apartment in Madrid. (See "I Was Sick!", No.698.) The will is powerful, it's important! Doctors will tell you, if a person doesn't want to live, he'll usually die, although the will to live could have saved them. "The spirit of a man sustaineth him; but a wounded spirit, who can bear?" (Pro.18:14.)
         7. SO LET THAT BE A WARNING TO ALL OF YOU! You'd better stay close to the Lord & don't get disobedient, don't run outside of God's will & His protection. That's why these poor backsliders don't have a chance! They've run out on God, run out on God's Work, run out on His Family, & they're wide open for the Devil! The way of the transgressor, let me tell you, is hard! (Pr.13:15) He just gives them nothing but trouble! I think he's even killed a few.
         8. IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO GET OUT THIS CONFESSION, BUT I THOUGHT I'D BETTER! Maybe this is one of the conditions of the Lord's healing. "Confess your faults one to another that ye may be healed!" (Ja.5:16) Sometimes you have to confess it, & sometimes you have to meet certain special conditions before the Lord will deliver you.
         9. IT'S LIKE I'M LIVING ON BORROWED TIME! It's like the Lord is saying, "You have now damaged yourself. I had to allow the Enemy to do it because you were disobedient & you were defiant & you were in rebellion against Me, you didn't want to live any more, you didn't want to keep doing the work I gave you to do, you wanted to quit & you tried to kill yourself, so now you're suffering for your sin!"
         10. I DISOBEYED THE LORD, I DAMAGED MYSELF, IT WAS MY FAULT & it was in rebellion & disobedience & defiance, & may the Lord yet forgive me! I believe in a way He has forgiven me, but He has allowed me to suffer for it, maybe just to be a testimony to you & to warn you that you'd better not do it, or you may have to suffer for it for the rest of your life!
         11. WELL, JUST A MONTH OR SO AGO I ASKED THE LORD ABOUT IT & I WAS PRAYING ABOUT IT AGAIN: "WHY DON'T YOU HEAL IT, LORD?" I mean, the Lord could just do some kind of outstanding miracle! But did you ever notice that sometimes He didn't do it that way? Sometimes He told them to go dip in the River Jordan or go take a dip in the pool of Siloam! Or He spit on the ground & made mud out of His spittle & put it on the eyes of the blind man.--And then told him to go wash it off & he'd see!
         12. WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE HE DID IT THAT WAY? Don't you think He could have healed him some other way? Do you suppose maybe the man's pride needed humbling? He had to stand there in front of this immense crowd & have God spit on the ground & then wipe His spit into his eyes, & the mud too! And then that wasn't enough? He said, "Now you go wash it off!" (Jn.9:6-7)
         13. --OR TELLING THE PROUD HAUGHTY NAAMAN TO GO DIP IN THE DIRTY MUDDY JEWISH JORDAN! No wonder he didn't want to take seven dips in the Jordan, it was a muddy river! Naaman said, "Are not the rivers of Abana & Pharpar better than this? Why should I come down here to this dirty Jewish country with all these dirty Jews & dip in your dirty Jewish Jordan?" That was what he was more or less saying. But that's what he had to do. Apparently he needed humbling, & he needed to obey. (2Kg.5:10-12) In each of those cases, God gave them something to do to test their obedience.
         14. MARIA HAS SAID, "WELL, THAT'S BEEN VERY ENCOURAGING--it's sure good to know that you have these things happen too, to help us know that the fiery trial that has fallen upon us is not strange!" (1Pe.4:12) It's not something unusual. Everybody has it & goes through it sometime or other. It's a part of your training & test of faith.
         15. I'M DETERMINED TO MAKE MY CONFESSION & GET IT OVER WITH so I can get healed, Lord willing. I've never done this much confessing before & told you guys all these things before. I've dropped little bits & pieces, hints here & there, but now I'm putting all my cards on the table!
         16. ONCE GOD'S FORGIVEN YOU & HEALED YOU, THEN YOU'D BETTER BE SURE YOU STICK TO THE LIMITS & the regulations & the rules & His Will & whatever conditions He's laid down.--Maybe He'll just continue your chastisement to keep you humble & close to Him, knowing your life depends every minute on Him, because otherwise you'd be dead! I mean, when you have gone that far & incurred the wrath of God & His punishment & He's allowed the Devil to afflict you--then that's your fault & you're to blame, & God may hold you accountable! So watch out!
         17. IN OTHER WORDS, I'M SUFFERING TODAY FOR PAST SINS, which although I have in a way repented of, God is still testing me. He is still wanting to know day by day, moment by moment if I'm going to really stick to it & obey Him & walk circumspectly right down the line & not deviate here or there! God has used the rod on me! You'd better be sure you walk circumspectly within the Will of God, or Satan can be allowed to touch you & scorch you & give you problems, as he has me. Amen? Let's pray.
         18. (MARIA: TYL! THANK YOU FOR SUCH A BEAUTIFUL EVENING & FOR GIVING THY SERVANT THE WORDS & THE HONESTY TO CONFESS TO US, & in so doing, helping us to learn these lessons that You want for us as well, Lord. And we pray that now that he's been honest with us, that You'll completely heal him & You'll continue the healing process until he's completely whole. We know You can do it, Lord, & that You want to do it!)
         19. (TONGUES:) HALLELUJAH! AMEN! "THANK YOU FOR CAUSING THIS TO BURST FORTH IN THY FATHER!" TYJ! PTL! Even Abrahim's glad sometimes when I confess my faults! At last! He must have been waiting years for that! TYL! I got it out at last! If you can get some of these things out in the open, you can fight'm! Face your fears & fight'm!
         20. YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT THE LORD AT HIS OWN GAME, THAT'S ALL!--Ha! While we were praying just now He said: "Oh, you think you're confessing everything? You're making everything right? What about that Letter you promised to write years ago? You've never written it yet!" I had the most horrible experiences while sick! I could see all kinds of monsters, demons, African animals! I think the Devil was trying to actually drive me crazy, I was seeing so many horrible things! I just wouldn't even want to tell you all the stuff that the Devil flung in my face during that horror when I was, in a sense, on his territory because of my sin! The Lord reminded me: "You've never given your testimony about how I healed you of alcoholism!"
         21. SO DON'T LET ANYBODY USE THAT AS AN EXCUSE TO THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THE SAME THING! Your job might not be quite as important, & you might not be quite as important that God will decide to let you live, or even help you live through it! If you're a bad testimony, a bad influence, or hurt yourself or others or the work, He might just decide to get you out of the way & let you die!--So take heed!
         22. I'M SURE HE JUST KEPT ME GOING FOR YOUR SAKE & THE SAKE OF THE FAMILY, & maybe to get me to this point where I'm willing to confess my faults one to another that I may be healed. (Jam.5:16)
         23. THE LORD GAVE ME THIS ENCOURAGING THOUGHT: "All things work together for good to them that love the Lord." They say the bird with the broken pinion will never fly as high again. Well, since then I've accomplished more than I had before! So maybe if you can't judge me by my works or my life, maybe you can judge me by my fruits, that the results have been good.
         24. More people have been saved, the Family is larger, God's blessed us more, we've gotten out more publications, we have accomplished several times more since then than I did before then! PTL! GBAKY! ILY!

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