BREAKDOWN!                DO 66            4/71
--Confession of a Shattering Experience!
(Recorded 1/30/71 in Cyprus--Just after leaving Israel)

NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS--SYMPTOMS & CAUSES

         1. NOW I KNOW HOW PEOPLE FEEL WHEN THEY HAVE NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS! Drinking all that coffee just exhausts your adrenalin system, so when you need it you don't have it, & it's too much of a strain on your heart burning up so much energy! Adrenalin opens the blood vessels so the blood circulates more freely & stimulates the heart action. Adrenalin is like the fuel & your body is like the furnace! You're dumping fuel on the fire immoderately & then all of a sudden you run out of fuel--& then when you need it for warmth & strength, it's not there! In sexual action you burn it up; in the stimulants of coffee & tea also.
         2. EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEART & FOR YOUR BLOOD & BREATHING, if you don't push it too hard, because it takes part of the load off the heart, but if you overdo it, physical exhaustion sets in on top of the nervous exhaustion & you have neither the nervous nor physical energy to keep you going! It's a funny thing--physical exertion will keep you going even if your nervous energy is gone & vice versa! God has these energy systems to keep you going, but if you exhaust both of them, you have no reserve!
         3. IT'S A PHYSICAL & NERVOUS THING & THEN THE ENEMY ATTACKS! The Lord has put that warning system in your body--that little feeling of apprehension that something is wrong. You're worried! You don't even know why! What's coming on is depression! You've a feeling of being very discouraged & depressed, morose! Everything just looks like a mountain & you just almost become hysterical.--Strain on your body, your mind & your spirit! "Abuse not the temple of the Holy Ghost!" "Let your moderation be known to all men!"--1Cor.3:17; 1 Cor.9:25; Phil.4:5.
         4. THEN THE ENEMY DELIBERATELY ATTACKS & TRIES TO MAGNIFY & EXAGGERATE, & a little concern becomes a worry, a worry becomes a fear, a fear becomes a phobia, a phobia turns into paranoia, paranoia into hysteria & hysteria into complete mental collapse!
         5. IT'S LIKE BEATING & DRIVING A TIRED HORSE BY WHIPPING IT! The horse may keep running for a while, but pretty soon he just completely gives out & collapses!
         6. SO MUCH OF THIS PSYCHOLOGICAL STRAIN I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH WAS NOT NECESSARY, BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY MIND ON THE BRIGHT SIDE! I should have dwelt on what I'd gained, instead of what I lost!

FAN THE SPARK OF FAITH WITH THE WORD!

         7. SO OFTEN IF IT WERE NOT FOR THAT SPARK OF FAITH, YOU'D JUST FLICKER OUT. But that spark of faith fans the flame. It's like God blowing on the little ember & bringing it back to life again! It comes so much through hearing the WORD!--Even encouraging words of one of His children, because you have faith in them & their word!

FOLLOW GOD'S FIRST IMPRESSION OR IT WILL FADE IF YOU HARDEN

         8. WHEN I HAD THAT REVELATION, I HAD TO SEE THE THING IN THE SPIRIT! Looking at it in the natural was no good. When I first got the revelation I was really under anointing! First impressions are the right ones, if you're truly following the Lord! Then the Lord lets you be tested! Under the first shock of the first revelation & the first inspired disillusionment, I saw things in the SPIRIT as they really were!--Like the voice of conscience! And I saw things the way GOD really sees them! But then I began to be hardened to it! It's like sin! The first time you're terribly convicted & your conscience is really sensitive, but then you become hardened & darkened in your understanding, past feeling!
         9. A PROPHET OF GOD WHO HAS THE MESSAGE OF GOD EITHER HAS TO GIVE IT OUT, OR HE NO LONGER HEARS IT OR FEELS IT & HE BECOMES GUILTY WITH THEM! To stay there & accept their hospitality & not tell them was wrong. And in all conscientiousness, feeling the way I did, I knew it wasn't right to accept the hospitality of this home & people & to keep my mouth shut in order to do it. It was a sort of Agagism--a disobedient compromising for advantage!--1 Sam.15.

CONFESSING MISTAKES & GETTING INTO THE WORD BRINGS VICTORY!

         10. BUT CONFESSING THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET THE VICTORY OVER THIS AGAIN! The Enemy has attacked me so much! I thought, "O God, am I making a mistake in leaving? Have I gotten out of Your will? Have I been defeated?" Partly it was my physical & nervous condition. And the Devil tries to drown out the voice of the Spirit, especially when you're so embroiled in the material! So just at the time when I needed spiritual strength the most, we were busy packing & taking care of business etc. That's why I just had to start this morning to get into that Word study. That really helped to turn the tide!
         11. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THE WORD! FAITH COMETH BY HEARING THE WORD! I was down physically & nervously & almost totally embroiled in physical things & the Devil just tried to knock me for a loop! I've come closer to collapse physically & nervously & spiritually these last two or three days than I have in years. But it's not the Lord's fault! It's my fault! I overdid! I abused my body! I didn't stay in the Spirit--& in this especially trying time, I should have lived more in the WORD. The Lord showed me this morning that I couldn't put it off any longer, or I wasn't going to live. He showed me I had to start now to strengthen this conviction, or the Devil was just going to flood me with lies until he'd just washed me away! Just that one little chapter this morning helped! As you begin to obey & follow God & confess your sins, & with your last breath praise the Lord, God begins to strengthen & do His part!
         12. BUT TRUTH RESISTED LOSES ITS POWER OVER THE MIND. You keep quenching the Spirit & pretty soon He stops speaking, & if you don't GIVE it, you LOSE it!

PASTORS & EVANGELISTS--FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT

         13. WHAT HAPPENS TO THE NEW PASTOR that comes to a church? He's like an evangelist: He doesn't know the people yet & he blasts away the Truth of God that he knows--letting the chips fall where they may! But the longer you stay & accept their hospitality & help & get to know & love them & sympathise with them more & more, you have a tendency to compromise & go easy & not be so hard on them & not tell them off.--And pretty soon you aren't telling them the Truth at all!
         14. I WENT THROUGH THAT IN MY FIRST PASTORATE. I began to tone things down--take it a little easy after a while, to keep from losing my pastorate, until you become one of them. You either have to let it out, or get out, one or the other! And if you try to compromise & pull your punches & tone it down, then God's Spirit tones the Voice of God down & you don't hear so much any more. You're not so convicted any more & you begin to get cooled off & hardened & calloused, & pretty soon you wonder, "Maybe I was wrong about it. Maybe they're not so bad after all."
         15. WHEN YOU FIRST COME, THE HOLY SPIRIT IS THERE IN ALL HER POWER, & SHE KNOWS WHAT THEY NEED & YOU'RE NOT SO CONSCIOUS OF THEM! But after you know who needs it & what they need & why they need it, then you begin to get afraid to preach it! When you first come they'll put up with it, because they know it's the Holy Spirit talking! They know it's not you, because you don't know them! But when you've been there for months or years, then they think you're picking them out especially--you've a personal grudge against them & that it's only because you know them so well! This is why the Alliance used to say that a man has delivered his best to his flock within two years, because then they get to know each other too well both ways & familiarity breeds contempt! And this is why people will take from an evangelist what they will not take from the pastor, because they know it's the Spirit of God & they're under conviction. And a lot of times it's exactly what the dear, poor pastor's been trying to tell them for years, but they thought it was just because he knew them & was picking on them.
         16. BUT IF YOU STAY TOO LONG THEY GET USED TO IT & TO YOU & YOU GET USED TO THE SITUATION & TO THEM, SO YOU BEGIN TO RATIONALISE & EXCUSE YOURSELF FOR NOT TELLING THEM THE TRUTH ANY MORE--for not exploding & blasting them, because you want to stay! Then, in order to excuse yourself for not blasting them, you try to think up excuses for them: "Well, they're not so bad after all; they're pretty good people."
         17. IF YOU START LOOKING ONLY ON THE BRIGHT SIDE & DELIBERATELY IGNORING THE BAD SIDE in order to be able to tolerate it so you can live with it, then you begin in your power of positive thinking, like the Christian Scientist, to totally ignore the evil & just think about the good only, in order to be able to tolerate the situation so you can stand to live with it! But the longer I withheld & held it in & held it back, & really compromised & tolerated it, & in order to do so, kept looking on the bright side & ignoring the evil, then the more my spiritual eyes got out of focus, where I couldn't see so clearly, & I began to wonder what I was so mad about anyway! "These people aren't so bad; they don't know any better!"
         18. BUT WHEN YOU RESIST THE TRUTH, THEN YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE BUT THE LIE! So you've chosen to believe the lie! I had compromised so long & had rationalised so long, kept quiet so long & had stayed so long, that I didn't even feel like it any more! I wasn't mad any more. I was losing that righteous indignation to the point that when it came to the point where I had to make a choice, I began to wonder why I was leaving! Things weren't all that bad!
         19. YOU HAVE TO HAVE CONVICTION OR YOU CAN'T LIVE, & then you have to have to DO something about your conviction or you can't stand to live with yourself! You'll hate yourself, or you'll silence the voice of conviction & lie to yourself & become totally deaf, dumb & blind, so you don't even feel any more!

DOUBTING THE LORD'S FIRST REVELATION BRINGS DELUSION OF THE DEVIL!

         20. THOSE LAST FEW DAYS I KEPT ARGUING WITH THE LORD: "But why do I have to leave now? Isn't that foolish? Here I've come all this way. I've gotten to the land of my dream & I'd like to just drift along with it! It would be so much easier than waking up."--Until I actually began to doubt my revelation. "Maybe I was too stirred up about it emotionally at first. Maybe I overdid or exaggerated, or over-emphasised the importance or the situation! Maybe it's not really that bad!" All these things began to go through my head! "Surely so many good Christian people couldn't be wrong!"
         21. BUT THE LONGER I LIVED WITH THE SITUATION & KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT & SILENCED THE VOICE OF THE SPIRIT, then the hazier the conviction became & the more the Devil had a chance to bring in his lies, until the Lord had to use these other things to warn us, because we'd no longer listen to the real reason--the things that had first inspired us. If God can't get you to do something for the right reason--your willingness to obey--sometimes He scares you out, or almost forces you out.
         22. SO I WAS NOT TRUE TO THE HEAVENLY VISION WHICH GOD SHOWED ME when I first arrived in Israel. I was disobedient to the Heavenly vision. And you know what happens to the disobedient prophets, even if they are true prophets with true prophecies! If they themselves do not obey, then they get in a lot of trouble. Sometimes God even slew them! I got under such condemnation & a cloud, that I felt like God was killing me, but I was so blinded, I didn't even understand why. So the last few days I went through a battle royal with the Devil, & sad to say, with the Lord too. That's the terrible thing about it, it's hard enough to fight the Devil without having to fight God, too. You know, a lot of times that's why you have to fight the Devil so much--because you're fighting GOD & the TRUTH!

INDECISION CAN TEAR YOU APART & BRING DELUSION & CONFUSION!

         23. "BUT HOW LONG DO WE HALT BETWEEN TWO OPINIONS?"--1KI.18:21. "A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. Think not that that man shall receive anything from the Lord."--Jam.1:6-8. There's nothing that tears you apart & tears you down quicker than indecision. The most uncomfortable place in the World is on the fence, torn between the two. You even feel better after making a decision--even if it's the wrong one! I had become so torn apart by this decision, because I hadn't obeyed God in the first place--& the longer you put it off, the harder it gets, the more confused you become & the more the Devil lies to you, because you're disobedient--until that last day, I felt almost like a zombie walking around in a daze. If you don't receive & obey the truth when you first get it, you're about to be deluded by a lie & wind up in utter confusion!

GOD ANSWERS THE DESPERATE HONEST CRY, & MAKING DECISIONS BY SPIRITUAL CONVICTION RATHER THAN NATURAL REASONING

         24. I REALLY GOT DESPERATE IN PRAYER & I JUST CRIED OUT DESPERATELY TO THE LORD: "Lord, the time has come--the point of decision! Now, right now, I've got to know! We're on our way right now to one place or another. It's got to be done today! I've got to know now, Lord!--Right this minute, which way to walk! Wake me up & help me to see it again! I've got to see it in the Spirit, Lord! I can't go any more in the flesh! I've got to see it like You see it, Lord! Show it to me like You did before!
         25. "THIS THING HAS TO BE DECIDED ON THE BASIS OF THE SPIRIT. I can't lean to my own understanding. I here & now acknowledge You. You've got to direct my path, which way my feet are going to go, & You've got to show me the truth like it is, Lord! I've got to have a spiritual conviction about this whole thing! I can't just run because I'm afraid. It's got to be by conviction! It has to be a spiritual decision, based on the realm of the Spirit & spiritual truth--not for any other reason." From the time I made that decision, I began to feel better & things began to click, just like that! Everything fell into place! All the pieces began to make a picture!--Just miracle after miracle! The minute we made the decision & began to obey, God did all the rest! PTL!

Copyright (c) 1998 by The Family