STUDY GUIDE
"Bringing Out the Best in People"
MAMA'S INTRODUCTION TO "BRINGING OUT THE BEST IN PEOPLE!"
DO 9/94
Maria #301
1. Bringing Out the Best in People is just terrific! It's such a good practical manual on "How to Love." Of course, the stated subject is how to motivate people, but how can you do that but by loving them? And our whole purpose in loving is to help people to feel God's Love and help them to do their best for Him. So that's what we are doing when we are loving them--we are trying to bring out the best in them so they can shine brighter for Jesus.
2. It's basically all been said in the Letters. However, people need constant reminders, and the fact that this book summary is in such a handy, condensed, 1-2-3 format makes it a very valuable overview or review of what Dad has taught in the Letters, and all that we have learned from them and the Scriptures.
3. Another very important use for this summary will be in seminars, and I believe our people could very effectively use it. Even with just these 40 pages, they would have all they would possibly need for an effective seminar, or several seminars, in fact. However, by using it as the basis of a seminar and supplementing it with MO Letters, Bible verses and other publications, it could be used as a series of seminars over several weeks or even months, depending on how much people want to enlarge on it, and how much the seminar attendees are interested in probing further into related lessons.
4. This would not be necessary or even advisable in every case, because for those you are just getting acquainted with, or those who are still very much unacquainted with the Family or your life for the Lord, this Christian Digest could be good bait the way it is. However, for those who want to delve deeper, and for those whom we would want to draw in further spiritually, using this as bait, there's much more you can give them. We can combine our Family training and our Family pubs with this System material and go even further than this pub goes.
5. So we've numbered the paragraphs of this Christian Digest and compiled related materials--Bible verses, Letters, illustrations or poems from Thots and other publications--that correspond to the various paragraphs to make a study sheet or seminar guide.
6. There are all kinds of lessons we could share from this, and all kinds of angles we could start from in our presentation. We would call it "motivation" for System outsiders, but "love" for the Family and close friends. The System--if we are using this as "bait"--is much more interested in motivating folks on a purely business level in order to further their management skills and usually their financial organization. We, however, look at it as a way to love people, to get them to do their best for the Lord.
7. Of course, with the System we would want to get as much spiritual influence into the seminar as possible, but we might have to stick primarily to what they are interested in--motivation for the sake of furthering their careers. However, with the scriptural examples and Bible verses in this accompanying booklet, we can get a lot of witness in at the same time.
8. Please note that not all these references are meant for new acquaintances; some will be more easily understood by Family members or close friends. You'll have to sort out which references you would want to use with which people. There's something for everyone, ranging from close friends and kings to new acquaintances. Whether you use it for your own study and inspiration or for outreach, we pray that you'll find this Christian Digest and the following study guide a blessing!
Love,
Mama
HOW TO USE THIS STUDY GUIDE
--By WS Staff
God bless you! This study guide was compiled from a multitude of our Family publications, though it's not necessarily a comprehensive set of references. In other words, it includes what we felt were some of the best, most applicable verses, quotes, poems, anecdotes, etc., but it doesn't include all of them. We were trying to keep this to a manageable length, so we simply couldn't include every reference. If you think of other useful material while you're reading, studying or using this, please feel free to write it in the margins or add it in the spaces between verses or quotes. If you plan to use it for a seminar, you may even want to enlarge it from A5 size to A4 size so you'll have more room for your notes and markings.
If you're using this Study Guide for a seminar or as a teaching tool, feel free to customize it as necessary. For example, if you were teaching a seminar geared to businessmen, you might want to major on the references about motivation, administration and organization, and skip many of the ones about children or marriage. On the other hand, if your audience is a group of parents, you might want to major on the references about children and marriage, and touch more lightly on the business-oriented quotes and verses. Since the topic of motivation can be tackled from many different angles, there are a great variety of quotes--something for everyone, we hope! (There are also some quotes from Dad which are more Family-oriented, which Family members, close friends and contacts would benefit from the most.)
The format. Each number in the left column of this booklet corresponds to a paragraph or range of paragraphs in the Christian Digest. To the right of the number and following it you will find applicable material from our publications or the Bible, or from other System sources in a few cases.
Study tips. If you're sharing this Christian Digest and Study Guide with others, you might find these tips from Dale Carnegie a helpful introduction to your class or seminar:
1. If you want to get the most out of this, there is one main requirement, one essential more important than any rule or technique. What is this magic requirement? Just this--a deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to work with people, to love them!
2. Stop frequently to think over what you're reading or hearing. Ask yourself just how and when you can apply each suggestion.
3. Read with a pen or marker in your hand. When you come across a suggestion you think you can use, underline or mark it. Marking and underscoring your reading makes it more interesting and far easier to review rapidly.
4. If you want to get a real lasting benefit out of this, don't think that skimming through it once will suffice. After reading it thoroughly, spend a little while reviewing it every so often. Keep it where it's handy. Remember that the use of these principles can be made habitual only by a constant campaign of review and application.
5. We learn by doing. Only knowledge that is used sticks in the mind.
6. Offer your mate, child or friend a small reward every time he or she catches you violating a certain principle. Make a lively game out of mastering these rules.
(From How to Love, pg.34.)
God bless you in your reading, study and ministering to others! We love you!
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1
Everybody has influence! No man lives to himself, and no man dies to himself. Your life is bound to affect others! No man is an island! Sometimes just a word or a glance or a smile can make a big difference, how you look or sound or seem! You're either going to pull people up to your level or drag them down to yours, one or the other! Words are real things! They bless or they curse; they lift up or they knock down! There's no in-between! (ML #33:9,13, DB4).
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2
Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being (Mop 104:10).
A red-haired, talented Polish lad wanted to be a pianist. However, teachers at the conservatory gave him no encouragement. He was told that his fingers were too short and thick for the piano. Later he bought a cornet. The same answer was given to him, with the statement that he should try another instrument. Passed around like a hot potato, he went back to the piano.
Embittered, discouraged, he chanced to meet the famous composer and pianist Anton Rubinstein. The young Pole played for him. Rubinstein praised and encouraged him. The lad promised to practice seven hours a day. Words of praise changed the entire world for Jan Paderewski (Good Thots, pg.1257, #99). [Jan Paderewski (1860-1941) was a famous pianist and statesman. Beginning as an internationally famous pianist, he raised great sums for the aid of his country during World War 1. His efforts were rewarded in 1919 when he was made Prime Minister of Poland. Unable to unite the various factions, he resigned after only a few months and returned to concert playing.]
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3-4
How do you motivate your children? Each child has a personality all their own, and each one has to be dealt with according to their own particular characteristics and personality. We should try to persuade children to do the best thing.
Some parents try to break their children's stubborn will by force, but such a child will always be stubborn whenever he gets a chance. He'll only obey the law as long as the law enforcer is there, and the minute he gets out of sight of his parents, he will go wild!
We knew some parents who'd really been tough on their kids, hard and cruel and mean, and even if they (the parents) were right, the kids felt no love, no real concern, no reasoning, no rationalization, no explaining, no motivation. Therefore they never learned love and the right motivation--love of God, love of parents, love of others.
Similarly, a horse that is gentled through love takes a lot more time and patience to train, but they'll be a far better horse and much more obedient if they are persuaded to do it through love rather than just breaking their will and forcing them to do something for fear of punishment!
If you gentle a horse and teach that horse to love you and want to obey you and want to follow instructions, he'll be the best mount you could ever ride! He'll become a pet who wants to obey your every whim and has the right and loving desire to please you. Whereas the horse that's just had to be broken because he was stubborn and refused, and you just insisted and made him obey, will continue to want to break the rules whenever he gets a chance! (ML #1705:21,26,25,23-24).
Get down on your prayer bones and ask the Lord to help you have the proper motives, the proper motivation, the proper objective and the proper goal! (ML #2313:10).
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5
[You need to] have that driving motivation which makes you feel like you cannot stop, that you've got to keep on going even if it kills you! Ask God for His Love, ... that irresistible compassion which should motivate every child of God in everything they do.... "The love of Christ constraineth us!" (2Corinthians 5:14). Keep on doing more and more every day and progressing. Sit down at the end of the day and sum up and keep books with your soul; weigh up the accounts and say, "Now what did I do today that I won't have to do tomorrow ... what progress ... what more have I done than the usual things?" (DM1:133).
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6-11
No wild enthusiast ever yet could rest, till half mankind were like himself possessed! (Mop 63:7).
No movement ever begins without a man! Everything always has to have a leader, has to have someone who has the vision and the faith and the courage to inspire people (Mop 18:7).
There is no army in the world, there is no organization in the world, there is no business in the world, there is not even one family in the world that doesn't have to have a boss!
A leader has two important characteristics: First, he is going somewhere. Second, he is able to persuade others to go with him (Mop 72:153, 57).
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12-15
Inspiration is the propelling force that is necessary for climbing the ladder of success in any ministry, in any field! (Mop 63:6).
The formula for success is simply putting the right people in the right jobs, and then sitting on the sidelines and being a good cheerleader (Mop 1:46).
The worst bankrupt in the world is the man who has lost his inspiration. Let him lose everything but inspiration and he will come through again to success (Mop 63:3).
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16-19
Children are a big full-time job! To be a mother takes the strength of Samson, the wisdom of Solomon, the patience of Job, the insight of Daniel, the administrative ability of David, and the fight of David. It also takes the faith of Abraham, who was the father of faith and the father of the faithful, and most of all it takes the love of God! (Good Thots, pg.396, #96).
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world! (Mop 98:26).
Do you know God's Word? Are you leading, guarding and guiding your little ones with the rod of His Word in your hand today, preparing them to go out and stand with conviction, ready to give an answer to everyone who asks them?
"Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is His reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate" (Psalm 127:3-5).
Just think, that's one way you can live on even after you're gone--in your children. If you've reared them right and done a good job of God's work with God's gift, you're going to be so thankful when you get to Heaven! (ML #1142:118, 120, 123).
See also "Children" in Good Thots.
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20-22
Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him (Mop 104:21).
Until you are willing to confess there are certain things you can't do or you're unable to do, that are not your calling or your job, and leave those things to others whom God has sent to help you, you are going to become so involved in those things you shouldn't be doing that you are not going to be able to do the things you should be doing!
You are going to have to recognize your limitations. You're going to have to just say, "Lord, I'm going to have to leave that up to someone else in order to do the things You want me to do!" ... "What do I have to do that I alone can do and what can I let others do for me? What shouldn't I be doing that's taking my time, my strength and my energy and that's a drain on me spiritually and on my talent, a strain on the leadership that You're trying to give me?" (ML #297:23,25,26,28, DB5).
Little men want to do it all themselves. Big men get someone else to help them.
Frank Woolworth was a little man. He failed in his first few attempts to start a five-and-ten-cent store. When he was at last beginning to make a go of one, he had a serious illness. This illness changed him into a big man.
"Up until that illness," he observed, "I thought I must attend to everything myself. But thereafter I indulged in the luxury of a bookkeeper, and at great effort I broke myself of the conceit that I could buy goods, display goods, run stores, and do everything else better than any men associated with me. That marked the beginning of my success and enabled me to expand in a large way" (Good Thots, pg.1470, #168).
Two men can do three times as much as one man (Mop 1:48).
One [shall] chase a thousand, and two put ten thousand to flight (Deuteronomy 32:30a).
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23-25
To have a few occasional personality clashes is understandable, but love never fails, and these should be healed through humility, love, and the oil of His Spirit, for he that is greatest among you must be servant of all (Matthew 23:11). If the machinery is well-oiled with the Love of the Holy Spirit, it will operate smoothly and quietly without squeaking and screeching, run faster and more efficiently, wear well and last longer, and not wear out, burn up, get hot, or explode with internal friction, which causes many breakdowns! Love, humility and prayer solve all problems! It never fails! (ML #52:45).
We need to learn about communicating more and being more honest with one another and being more open about ourselves. There would be far fewer misunderstandings if people would just honestly and openly communicate with one another. It may be a little difficult at the beginning, but if you work at it, it becomes much easier. The Lord always seems to bless honesty and good communication (ML #1796:15).
If you have problems and you have something on your heart--or you think she has or he has--get it out in the open! Talk about it! You'll never have any chance of dealing with the matter unless you get it out! You need to get rid of those pent-up emotions and withholding and hiding, because it's just pride (ML #1922:1,10).
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend (Proverbs 27:17).
Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out (Proverbs 20:5).
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger (Proverbs 15:1).
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26
When you've got a winning team who know how to work together, and who get along well together, with as little personality friction as possible, try to keep them together. When people are happy, hard-working, cooperative and productive in a certain position, it's sometimes risky to change. It could be for the better, but it could also be for worse. It might destroy a good machine that it's taken a long time to build.... It's always easier to tear down than it is to build up! Almost anybody can tear down, but it takes a lot of time, patience, hard work, and wisdom to build! (ML #67:16).
John Wesley, the founder of the Methodist Church, was once asked how he got his crowds. He replied, "I set myself on fire, and the people come to see me burn." Whole-heartedness is contagious. Give yourself, if you wish to gain others (Mop 63:11, 18).
Nothing is so contagious as enthusiasm; it moves stones, it charms brutes. Enthusiasm is the genius of sincerity, and truth accomplishes no victories without it.--Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton.
See also "On Fire for God," Treasures, pg.431-437.
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27-29
Schools have learned that audience participation counts! The kids will be more receptive and more responsive and more eager to learn if they can participate in the action, if they can share, if they can tell their story, if they can get up and do it, not just write it. This way they will want to learn, want to participate, and thereby learn more and better! (ML #2320:19).
It is best for the chief executive to simply pump out the material to his people: the counsel, the suggestions, the discussion. I believe in people power!
Any smart executive is going to pump people power!--He is neither going to try to be the pump, nor the water, nor the bucket! He's merely going to be the guiding hand that takes ahold of the handle and grabs the bull by the tail and pumps!
The executive is only the instrument through which God works to turn the pump. His cabinet or counselors in turn provide a vacuum or suction which draws the water up through pipes of communication from below from the well (the repository of truth, the minds of the workers) out of the Earth, the people! (ML #263:20,21,25, DB5).
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30-32
A professor in a small New England college, beloved by students and alumni, adopted this wise plan early in his teaching: Whenever he discovers a student who is discouraged about his work, he makes a point of giving that boy a better mark than he really deserves and of seeing that the others in the class know about the good mark. "Almost invariably," says the professor. "the boy perks up and earns that kind of mark the next time around. It may not be exactly according to Hoyle, but it works magic!" (Good Thots, pg.1239, #13).
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33-39
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.--Dale Carnegie
Successful leaders often say that if you trust others to do well, they will. If, on the other hand, you believe your people will fail, they will probably meet your expectations as well. Businessman-philanthropist W. Clement Stone suggests that you express your faith in a letter. He says the executive who writes of faith in and commitment to his salespeople can motivate them to break records; the teacher who writes individual notes of encouragement to students can lead them to extraordinary heights. Having faith in someone gives him self-confidence and pleasure. It may sound corny, but the experts agree it works. (Sherry Suib Cohen, Women's Day).
Life and work will never lose their romance for the person who unselfishly does good for people. Those who lose the thrill of living are the ones who develop the habit of thinking exclusively about themselves, who are constantly concerned with their own interests, their own pleasures, or what is more common, their own troubles. Start the habit of doing good to the people nearest you! (How to Love, pg.6).
Your attitude determines your altitude (Mop 95:16).
A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24).
Do you make it easy for others to be good? (Mop 104:34).
The Enemy is the "accuser of the Saints" (Revelation 12:10). That's his job, and he does it with a vengeance! If you know that's his job, you should be very wary and hesitant to ever accept anything that's negative about others.
Try to look on things that happen between you and others in a positive way instead of a negative way. If you don't know that they intentionally hurt you, it's much safer to give others the benefit of the doubt than it is to question or criticize their motives and possibly falsely accuse them. For example, if someone seems a little curt or grumpy towards you, you could give them the benefit of the doubt by figuring, "The reason they snapped at me is probably not because they're mad at me personally, but because they're just tired or not feeling well."
After all, it's not always easy for people to act bubbly and happy towards everyone if they've had a rough night or if they're afflicted with a headache, backache, or some other affliction that is causing them pain, discomfort or discouragement. So if someone doesn't give you a cheerful, enthusiastic welcome or response or greeting or whatever, try not to take it so personally. Maybe they need encouragement from you! (ML #2839:8,13,14).
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40-42
Suspicion is far more apt to be wrong than right; oftener unjust than just. It is no friend to virtue and always an enemy to happiness (Mop 95:9).
By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the Lord men depart from evil (Proverbs 16:6).
The Lord overlooks our faults and not only sees our needs, but sees our strengths, and is proud of us for how we use what He has given us for His glory.
For people who are trying hard and who are yielded, but just have a few problems, the Lord doesn't highlight their faults or harp on them, He doesn't criticize or condemn. He's always looking at the potential. He says, in effect, "You can do it! Don't worry about those things, get up and keep going! You can be great for Me, you have so much potential! Just take that step of faith, reach out to Me. I'll take you by the hand and together we can do it!"
That's how the Lord looks at us, so why shouldn't we look at ourselves and others in the same way? Of course, you can't just close your eyes to problems. But we've also got to keep our eyes on the way the Lord sees people, and realize that there's another dimension. We shouldn't get so engrossed in people's faults that we don't see them the way the Lord sees them. And we should follow the sample of the Lord, Whose rebukes, when He must give them, are so loving and compassionate that they challenge and encourage us and give us tremendous hope that we can do better. They motivate us to change because He loves us and expects it of us and knows we can do it (ML #2949:28, 30-32).
See also "More Communication Keys for Your Marriage," pg.153-155 of Marvellous Marriage, on the role of "self-talk" in forming our expectations of others.
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43-45
It is better to believe that a man does possess good qualities than to assert that he does not (Mop 95:20).
Tell her she's beautiful and she'll be beautiful! Tell her she's wonderful and she'll be wonderful! (ML #123:33).
It's hard for you to see anything good in someone you don't love, but if you really love someone, it's much easier to overlook and forgive their faults. Love is not blind; it has an extra spiritual eye which sees the good and possibilities that others cannot see! (Mop 74:65,66).
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46
If we were so righteous and perfect and didn't have any weaknesses, we couldn't be sympathetic or compassionate. We couldn't even understand others (Mop 111:33).
A Christian is not perfect; he is forgiven (Mop 113:23).
Forget about trying to be perfect--you never will be! Only God is good! (Mop 111:26).
How to work with people: Know their strong points and use them, know their weaknesses and watch out for them--accept them as they are (Mop 104:44).
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47
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things (Philippians 4:8).
Love implies faith. How can you really love someone if you don't have any confidence in them?
Showing a little real love not only encourages a person for the present, but gives them a brighter outlook on the future (Mop 78:68,60).
A friend is someone who knows your faults, but thinks your virtues far outweigh them (Mop 78:17).
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48-49
(Prophecy:) I have loved thee with an everlasting love. Behold how the husbandman is patient for the fruit of the vine!--How he doth nurture and cherish it and dig about it and dung it and prune it with longsuffering, waiting for both the first fruits and the last!
Therefore, can ye not have patience... the love, the gentleness, the kindness, the tenderness I had with thee, as I took thee up in My arms when thou didst stumble, and I healed the broken and wounded? I didst nourish thee from My Hand and from My Own, that thou might learn the little lesson I would teach thee! (ML #18:1-2, DB4).
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50-51
See the parable of the talents: Matthew 25:14-28.
Every member is needed and everyone is important, from the lowliest to the mightiest, from the most insignificant to the most seemingly important, from the most obscure to the most obvious. Everyone is essential, everyone is important, everyone has his job, everyone is needed (ML #263:79).
See also numbers 1,5,10,20,97 and 234 under "Love" in Good Thots 2.
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52
Behind every great man there's a great woman. A woman can make or break a man (ML #1567:66).
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53-57
Great teachers and great business leaders have the knack of stimulating others to stretch themselves so they come nearer to using the full measure of their aptitudes (Mop 104:55a).
We tried not to hold you back and make you do it the way we did it, but to turn you loose and by the Spirit of God learn how to do it now! Every new day we need to know and learn and find out how to do it today!--And for God's sake, I hope you will not try to limit your children even to the way you've been doing it, much less the way I've been doing it, but that you will let them do it their way, the way God shows them to do it for their day and for their generation!
The greatest thing we can teach our new disciples and children is to follow God and hear from Him fresh every day! Moment by moment learn something new every day, because only God is way out there in front and knows what's going to happen and is able to lead you and guide you and show you what to do (ML #251:19,25, DB5).
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60
I'd rather see a sermon
Than hear one any day;
I'd rather one would walk with me
Than merely tell the way.
The eye's a better pupil
And more willing than the ear;
Fine counsel is confusing,
But example's always clear!
The best of all the preachers
Are the men who live their creeds.
For to see good put into action
Is what everybody needs!
I soon can learn to do it,
If you'll let me see it done;
I can watch your hands in action,
But your tongue too fast may run.
The lectures you deliver
May be very wise and true,
But I'd rather get my lessons
By observing what you do.
I may misunderstand
The high advice you give;
But there's no misunderstanding
How you act and how you live!
When I see a deed of kindness,
I am eager to be kind.
When a weaker brother stumbles
And a strong man stays behind
Just to see if he can help him,
Then the wish grows strong in me
To become as big and thoughtful
As I know that friend to be!
All travelers can witness
That the best of guides today
Is not the one who tells them,
But the one who shows the way.
One good man teaches many;
Men believe what they behold.
One deed of kindness noticed
Is worth forty that are told.
Who stands with men of honor,
Learns to hold his honor dear;
For right living speaks a language
Which to everyone is clear.
Though an able speaker charms me
With his eloquence, I say,
"I'd rather see a sermon
Than to hear one any day!"
("A Sample, Not a Sermon!"
--Virginia Brandt Berg)
Abraham Lincoln said over a hundred years ago, "It is an old and true maxim that `a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.' So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart and is the road to his reason."
In Aesop's Fables there is a story about the sun and the wind. In the story they quarreled about which was the stronger, and the wind said, "I'll prove that I am. See the old man down there with a coat? I'll bet I can get his coat off of him quicker than you can!"
So the sun went behind a cloud and the wind blew until it was almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the tighter the old man clutched his coat to him.
Finally the wind calmed down and gave up, and then the sun came out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly on the old man. Presently he mopped his brow and pulled off his coat. The sun then told the wind that gentleness and friendliness are stronger than fury and force.
Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don't want to change their minds. They can't be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.--Dale Carnegie
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61-70
Love prefers the happiness of others to your own. True happiness comes not in your personal pursuit of selfish pleasure and satisfaction, but in finding God and giving His life to others and bringing them happiness! Show them ... unselfish love and concern ... and they'll love you more than they ever loved anybody. [Whereas] the insane seldom think of others, they're usually only thinking of themselves, and interested only in satisfying themselves (DM1:126).
People want to talk, they want to tell you about themselves, and the thing they like to talk about the most is themselves. So get them to talk, and that way you'll find out what's wrong with them, what their severest problems are, what their background is. How are you going to know what Scriptures to give'm when you don't even know what they need? How are you going to know what the prescription is--the prescription Scripture--unless you find out what their problem or their illness or their ailment is?
Almost everybody will talk if you show'm a little human interest, a little love, a little concern, and ask them questions! It's best to get them to talk first to see where they're at. Then you'll know how to talk to'm. Ask questions, listen to their answers, then give them God's answers! (ML #1941:11,12,14, DB3).
Sometimes, all some people need is for somebody to listen, and that's half the job of being a witness! Let's not fail them in showing them we're willing to listen to their troubles. Often they're really hungriest for fellowship and companionship and real love and sympathy, just somebody to talk to, to relieve their loneliness and to feel like somebody cares and shares their misery and their needs and problems (ML #344:32).
You've got to be sold on something before you can sell it. If you're not even sold on it yourself, if you don't like the product enough yourself to partake of it, but are just trying to push it off on others, you're not going to make a very good salesman!
I remember many's the time when salesmen tried to sell me something and I've asked them point blank: "Well, do you have one? Do you use it? How does it work for you? Do you like it? Are you sold on it?" And a lot of times they've enthusiastically raved about how good it was, how it really worked for them and they knew it would work for me. You could tell they were really being honest and sincere about it!
But then there have been other times when I could just see through all those phony smiles and fake enthusiasm! I could tell they weren't really sold on it themselves, and when I'd challenge them about it, they'd stammer and stutter and say, "Well, I, uh... er...You know, I...uh...don't really have one myself. I don't use one myself, but they tell me it's good, so it must be good!" (ML #320:57,59-60).
See also "How I Raised Myself from Failure to Success in Selling," by Frank Bettger, How to Love, pg.322.
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71-72
He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him (Proverbs 18:13).
My beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath (James 1:19).
Rather than always making positive statements, also cultivate the art of asking questions, which can be the most effective means of winning people to your way of thinking. Inquire rather than attack (Mop 104:19).
Open communication takes real work by both parties, but it's well worth the effort to find that there's someone who understands your problems, who cares about what you're going through, who can share your burdens, who you can feel secure with, who can help you with your questions and pray with you for victories, and who knows you well yet loves you dearly. So "to do good and to communicate, forget not, for with such sacrifices God is well pleased!" (Hebrews 13:16). (ML #2680:12).
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73-74
I charge thee before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, and the elect angels, that thou observe these things without preferring one before another, doing nothing by partiality (1Timothy 5:21).
The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy (James 3:17).
You should study carefully the qualifications, talents, skills, training, education, experience, and personal preferences of your co-laborers, and try to give them not only the kind of work they're best fitted for, but also that which they would prefer and like and choose to do (Mop 1:95).
Whatever the rules are, everybody should get together and discuss them and agree, which means, of course, those who are generally too lenient may have to compromise a bit and become more firm, and those who are perhaps overstrict may have to let up a little bit. Whatever the case, you have to come to a happy medium that everybody is going to agree upon and that everybody is going to follow and that you all decide and agree upon together! (ML #1707:6).
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75-81
A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something (Mop 120:11).
You need to listen to your co-workers. Leaders do have the responsibility to respond and to make the final decision, but being a good executive does not mean that you are the only one who has all the ideas and does all the thinking and all the consulting just within yourself, and then makes all the decisions. Being a good executive means you assemble your people and share and listen to others (ML #263:4).
It's been said that a wise man learns from experience, but that a wiser man learns from the experience of others. Well, this is certainly true. If you're really smart, if you have real wisdom, you'll listen to others and learn from them and their experience! "A wise man will hear and will increase learning, and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser (Proverbs 1:5; 9:9)" (ML #2543:1).
Everyone must feel warm and secure and cared about, with all of their needs fulfilled. He or she must know they are loved the way they are, for who they are--the unique personality that God has created them to be, with the special job He has created them for. No one should feel left out or looked down upon (ML #2956:147).
For a successful marriage: The greatest happiness and enjoyment is seeing someone else enjoy themselves and making them happy! To have real lasting, enduring, genuine love, it must be based upon a more enduring foundation than mere fleshly gratification. It must be an unselfish innate desire to protect and help and to make someone else happy.
The man or woman who seeks only fleshly gratification, or to merely gratify the flesh of the mate alone, will never find complete satisfaction and happiness or be able to make themselves completely happy. You must give, and it shall be given unto you. Love begets love. For true happiness comes not in your personal pursuit of selfish pleasure and satisfaction, but in finding God and giving His life to others and bringing them happiness! Then happiness pursues and overtakes and overwhelms you, personally, without even seeking it for yourself! (ML #250:21b,25,43,42).
Develop an eye for intimate details. These are the little quirks, likes, dislikes, seldom-mentioned desires, and customs that almost every person has. It really comes down to knowing your beloved and paying attention to what he or she does or thinks.
For example, a romantic lover usually will know things like the kind of perfume his wife wears, her shoe size, color preference, musical tastes, the hobbies or crafts that interest her and some of the details about these, the books she enjoys, the kind of films she prefers to see. These little details allow the spouse to know what interests his mate and to be able to share in the little intimacies that make that person special ("Romance Rekindled," Marvellous Marriage, pg.172).
See also "The Importance of Good Communications," ML #1796, Vol.15; "Motivating Your Husband to Change," Marvellous Marriage, pg.101-106.
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82-86
I'm a hundred-percenter. I can't stand compromisers, I can't stand half-hearted people! I can't stand selfish people, I can't stand people who claim they believe in something but don't practice it! (Mop 109:17).
You've got to really believe in your product to speak and preach and sell with conviction! (Mop 15:35).
You have to have conviction, or you cannot live, and then you have to do something about your conviction, or you can't stand to live with yourself! (Mop 15:41).
Plan your work, set goals, avoid distractions, work with foresight, read material that will help your work. Do the unpleasant job first. Make yourself work. Decide trifles quickly. Start vigorously and promptly, work for quality, use your spare time, make it a habit to do two things at once, train others to help you, work for the Lord and others, take on more work, expand your abilities, require production from yourself. Learn to like your work by making it a habit. Then you can play at your job. It's fun! (Mop 1:59).
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87
The test of a preacher is that his congregation goes away not saying, "What a lovely sermon," but saying, "I will do something!" (Mop 72:144).
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88
A leader will keep on course and try to keep others on course in the direction he's going and pull them his way. But if you have a tendency to be pulled other ways by followers and you can't buck the tide, then you're not much of a leader! (Mop 72:168).
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89
The principle of modern progressive education is: "Let the kids do whatever they want to. Let them do what they feel like doing!" Dr. Spock taught that and ruined a whole generation or two: "Don't spank the poor little kid or you might injure his psyche and you might impair him psychologically for the rest of his life! Don't say `no,' it will result in frustration! Don't teach him right and wrong--it will result in a sense of guilt!"--The Devil's whole system from start to finish! "Just let the little rapscallion do as he pleases and that will make him happy."
Seeking the happiness of others and trying to help others, as God has ordered us to do, is the only way to find true happiness, genuine happiness! Because you don't find happiness by chasing it, happiness finds you by your bringing happiness to others! That's God's system, that's God's rule, that's God's way, that's God's Law of Love. God will make you happy if you make others happy! It's that simple! (ML #1832:20,23, DB2).
Henry Kaiser's mother said to him, "Henry, nothing is ever accomplished without work. If I leave you nothing else but the will to work, I will have left you a priceless gift--the joy of work." Henry accepted this from his mother and adapted the motto "Get the job done." He said:
If you can't go under, go over.
If you can't go through, go round.
If you can't go right, go left.
If you can't get an angle, take two plates and make it.
If you haven't got the right material, go get it.
If you can't find it, substitute.
If you can't substitute, improvise.
If you can't improvise, innovate.
But above all, get the job done! (How to Get Things Done, pg.57).
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90
You can't run any kind of a family, church, home or anything unless you have leaders who are firm and forceful and can see that the job gets done, or make people do the job (Mop 72:171).
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91-93
Be sure you're in the right spirit as you correct those around you for their mistakes and their errors and their sins, even as God does us, and as we would want others to do unto us for ours (Mop 8:53).
Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying (Proverbs 19:18).
Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul (Proverbs 29:17).
See also Hebrews 12:1-11.
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94
The job of a good leader is not a popular job. You need to teach them to love you, but also to ... obey you (Mop 72:70).
Some of you leaders are too easygoing, good-natured and agreeable, and somewhat easily persuaded. Your people have almost too much influence on you. You're always doing anything to make a friend.
If a fellow is unable to help himself along certain lines, then he needs the help of others. So when you can't say no for yourself, then you have to engage the help of others (ML #297:1-3).
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97-98
Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in Heaven: and come and follow Me (Matthew 19:21).
And it came to pass, that, as they went in the way, a certain man said unto Him, Lord, I will follow Thee whithersoever Thou goest. And Jesus said unto him, Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay His head. And He said unto another, Follow Me. But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the Kingdom of God. And another also said, Lord, I will follow Thee; but let me first go bid them farewell, which are at home at my house. And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the Kingdom of God (Luke 9:57-62).
And He said to them all, If any man will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me (Luke 9:23).
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13).
(People) have to have something that is a real challenge in life, be it difficulty or even trouble or trial or tribulation or school or job or profession--something that is difficult enough to be a challenge. A challenge indicates a fight! You've got to have something worth fighting for and living for and even dying for! How often have I said that I'd rather die for something than live for nothing? (ML #1398:44).
Always attack each challenge not with why we can't but how we can (Mop 142:17).
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99-100
I don't want to put the doorknob so high that someone tries to reach it and can't, and gets so frustrated he bursts into tears and quits! Let's make it so easy everybody can do it! That's what the Lord tried to do. He walked those dusty roads and talked to the simple fishermen and the tax collectors and the odds and ends and radicals and flotsam and jetsam and trash of society--prostitutes, drunks, harlots, and everyone--in order to show them that God loved them all and they could all love God, they could all be Christians, they could all love and serve each other and serve the world with the Gospel (ML #1141:11,23, DB1).
I am a simplifier! If I've ever done anything, I've tried to make religion simple. I make it understandable, so that anyone can understand it (ML #2688:18).
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103
Never give up! Never take no for an answer! Where there's a will there's a way, and nothing is too hard for the Lord! With man it's impossible, but with God nothing shall be impossible! All things are possible to him that believeth! (ML #993:24).
During the first world war, when he was a boy of seven, Glenn Cunningham suffered life-threatening burns to his legs. He spent months in bed and was told that he might never walk again. But his parents said he might be able to--if he didn't give up. His mother daily kneaded his damaged muscles and urged him to walk and then run. Glenn did not give up. In fact, he eventually won 21 of 31 mile races on the indoor track at Madison Square Garden. And, in 1934, he set a world record for the mile run.
Sometime in life all of us face setbacks of one kind or another. Often it is some kind of health problem. Instead of being resigned to defeat, determine not to give up! "For which cause we faint not," wrote the apostle Paul. "Though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day" (2 Corinthians 4:16).
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104
Try to fix the mistake, never the blame (Mop 104:15).
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105
Disappointment should always be taken as a stimulant and never viewed as a discouragement.
The rungs in the ladder of accomplishment are composed of difficulties overcome one by one (Mop 126:49, 50).
See also Success/Failure in the Mop.
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106
We do a lot of things by trial and error. Just because a scientist may not hit the right formula in several different experiments, that doesn't mean he's making mistakes. It's like pioneering or exploring, you've gotta try!
If we stopped taking risks, we'd have to go out of business! There's an element of so-called risk in everything in this world except for the Lord (Mop 94:71, 72).
You can't measure your success by your number of failures. Your failures don't count if you have just one success! (Mop 126:23).
Love covers with a veil of silence the mistakes of others (Mop 78:11).
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107-110
Failure teaches success (Mop 126:45).
Success is getting up one more time than falling down (Proverbs 24:16). (Mop 126:57).
We know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
Even your mistakes are part of your training. God gets some of His greatest victories out of seeming defeats--victories of brokenness, humility, and more utter dependence on Him, which you must have to be a leader! My mother once asked the great evangelist, Paul Rader, "Why are the laborers in God's work always so few?" And he answered wisely, "I guess God can't break them fast enough." How true! (ML #48:25, DB4).
I don't think you can ever be a good leader, a wise, humble leader, until you've made some terrible mistakes and committed a few sins and really blown it a few times yourself. For one thing, you'll never be humble enough unless you do! (Mop 72:52).
Being trusted to try again is like the spoonful of honey that helps the medicine go down.
A good illustration of this principle can be found in the story about Thomas Edison. "He had finally produced a perfect light bulb--the result of hundreds of trials. He was full of delight. He handed it to his assistant, Jimmy, to carry upstairs. Then suddenly there was a crash and Edison turned to see his precious bulb lying in fragments on the floor. Jimmy had let it slip through his fingers!
"Edison went back to his work bench and set to work once more to make another bulb. When it was finally complete, he then did a big thing. As a sign that he had forgiven his apprentice for breaking the first bulb, with a smile he handed the new bulb to Jimmy. `Careful now,' he said. He was giving the boy another chance" (Good Thots, pg.1286, #287).
Likewise with those people in your care who make mistakes and who you have to correct, if you let them "carry the light bulb" again, it can make all the difference in the world for them (FSM 177:78-81).
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111-113
Failure. Personal, humiliating, image-wrecking failure. It's not as bad as you think. Richard Miller, the chief financial officer of AT&T, Anne Busquet, the highest-ranking female line manager at American Express, and Bernard Marcus, the founder and CEO of Home Depot, are just some of the big names who have screwed up, misstepped, gotten fired, been demoted, or in some other way failed spectacularly.
If you haven't failed yet, you probably will. And for the benefit of your career, you probably should. The rapid change that drives business today calls for unconventional thinking, action in the face of uncertainty--and occasional stumbles. Says Harvard business school professor John Kotter: "I can imagine a group of executives 20 years ago discussing a candidate for a top job and saying, `This guy had a big failure when he was 32.' Everyone else would say, `Yep, yep, that's a bad sign.' I can imagine that same group considering a candidate today and saying, `What worries me about this guy is that he's never failed.'"
Bill Gates, who regularly tempts failure at Microsoft, likes to hire people who have made mistakes. Says he: "It shows that they take risks. The way people deal with things that go wrong is an indicator of how they deal with change."
History is littered with heroes who failed. An ad agency reportedly fired Walt Disney for a "singular lack of drawing ability," and Disney--not to mention Henry Ford--went bankrupt with early ventures before making money bigtime. Babe Ruth, who hit lots of home runs, broke the major league record for strikeouts: 1,330. In fact, he believed that it's smarter to make bold moves and miss sometimes than to consistently hit singles.
Resilient people are flexible; they know they cannot control their world. Adversity in childhood actually helps people adapt and rebound. The most successful at bouncing back view failure not like a cancer but, rather, like puberty: awkward and uncomfortable, but a transforming experience that precedes maturity.
Sweet are the uses of adversity, as Shakespeare said. Failure is a vital thing. Learn to live with it. (Patricia Sellers, Fortune Magazine, April 1995).
The hardest one to confess your faults to is yourself! We hate even to admit to ourselves our own mistakes, sins and shortcomings, because it is sometimes so discouraging, humbling and humiliating. So we try to excuse ourselves to ourselves and defend ourselves from ourselves and exonerate and absolve ourselves from all sin, so that we can stand to face ourselves--but this only tends to make matters worse, because when we're not honest with ourselves and we keep on trying to fool ourselves, we try to do the same with God and others, and the result is one awful mess. You make a mess of your own life, hurt those associated with you, and hurt God most of all, as well as hinder your testimony and ministry! May God help us all to be honest with ourselves, others and God! It will help us to keep from being false to any man! Falsification is the product of pride, an effort to hide the awful truth of which we are ashamed! (ML #49:3, DB4).
If you put the doorknob too high by projecting too lofty an image, others can get discouraged and feel like they'll never make it. Whereas if they can relate to you and see that in spite of all your apparent weaknesses and faults and defeats, you're still going forward, that gives them hope.
A lot of people tend to get very discouraged with themselves sometimes, feeling down and defeated in every respect. They're tempted to feel like, "Oh, I can't do this and I can't do that and I haven't made much progress and I have all these problems ... what's the use?" But when you come along and say, "I have the same weaknesses or others that are just as bad or even worse, yet I'm still fighting and keeping on for the Lord," it really does so much more to encourage them than an always "strong" example that they're going to look at and say, "Boy, I could never be like that! I'm glad we've got a strong leader leading us, but I'll never be able to be like him, he's too good for me!" (ML #2553:3-4, DB10).
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114
Lord, if there's anything we show people, help us to show them tenderness and gentleness, that they are so dear to our hearts, that You've gone so far out of Your way, Your hands are torn by the rocks and thistles in rescuing these little lost lambs. Help us to take them in our arms and hold them close to our bosoms and nurse them back to strength and health and wholeness! (ML #75:12).
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117-118
A lack of power is [often] the result of fear born of pride: fear of not succeeding, fear of being embarrassed, fear of being ashamed. Such fear always comes as the result of pride, because the proud are afraid of failure.... Pride causes fear of failure, and then the fear makes you weak, or impotent, so that you do fail. The very fact that you're afraid you'll fail ensures your failure, because only faith succeeds.... Fear is the opposite of faith, and without faith you can have no power (ML #203:16-18).
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119-134
It was always my policy to ask you if you'd like to do a certain thing, or do you think you should do so-and-so, or what do you want to do, or what do you think the Lord wants you to do! I usually tried to give you your choice, within certain limitations of possibility, and let you move according to your own faith, choose your own team, set your own goals, and forge ahead under your own steam! You get a lot more done that way, by being led of the Lord according to your own faith, initiative, vision and courage (ML #734:118, DB8).
You may be very fond of strawberries and cream, but you'll find for some strange reason that fish prefer worms. So when you go fishing, you don't think about what you want, you think about what they want. Why not use the same common sense when fishing for men? The only way on earth to influence the other fellow is to talk about what he wants and show him how to get it.--Dale Carnegie.
Duvernoy had been trying to sell bread to a certain New York hotel. He had called on the manager every week for four years. He went to the same social affairs the manager attended. He even took rooms in the hotel and lived there in order to get the business. But he failed.
"Then," said Mr. Duvernoy, "after studying human relations, I resolved to change my tactics. I decided to find out what interested this man--what caught his enthusiasm.
"I discovered he belonged to a society of hotel executives called the Hotel Greeters of America. He not only belonged, but his bubbling enthusiasm had made him president of the organization, and president of the International Greeters. No matter where its conventions were held, he would be there.
"So when I saw him the next day, I began talking about the Greeters. What a response I got. He talked to me for half an hour about the Greeters, his voice vibrant with enthusiasm. I could plainly see that this society was not only his hobby, it was the passion of his life. Before I left his office, he had `sold' me a membership in his organization.
"In the meantime, I had said nothing about bread. But a few days later, the steward of his hotel phoned me to come over with samples and prices.
"`I don't know what you did to the old boy,' the steward greeted me, `but he sure is sold on you!'
"Think of it! I had been drumming at that man for four years--trying to get his business--and I'd still be drumming at him if I hadn't finally taken the trouble to find out what he was interested in, and what he enjoyed talking about."--Dale Carnegie
General Patton once said, "Don't tell a man how to do a thing. Tell him what you want done, and he'll surprise you by his ingenuity" (Mop 1:20).
See also "How to Change People Without Arousing Resentment," How to Love, pg. 41-43; "Visions and Goals" in the Mop.
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141-143
As (a man) thinketh in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7a).
Negative thinking is one of the forces that destroys accomplishment (Mop 126:81).
See also: "The Slow Learner" from "Dare to Discipline," Raise 'em Right, pg.135; "Motivation and Positive Thinking" from "Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World," Raise 'em Right, pg.6-7.
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144
One preacher I knew said, "Lord, give me a car. I need a car. I'm desperate for a car, Lord--any old car!" And that's exactly what he got! He said, "Next time I prayed for a good car and got it!"
God will give you what you ask for. He's very definite, so be definite with the Lord! He says, "Command thou Me" (Isaiah 45:11). He'll give you what you ask for, and what you have the faith for! That's the way the Lord blesses if you trust Him, if you please Him, if you follow Him, if you obey Him, if you're doing what He wants you to accomplish (ML #T:74,75).
There may be nothing wrong with you,
The way you live, the work you do,
But I can very plainly see
Exactly what is wrong with me.
It isn't that I'm indolent
Or dodging duty by intent;
I work as hard as anyone,
And yet I get so little done.
The morning goes, the noon is here,
Before I know, the night is near,
And all around me, I regret,
Are things I haven't finished yet.
If I could just get organized!
I oftentimes have realized
Not all that matters is the man;
The man must also have a plan!
(How to Love, pg.323).
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145
Triumph is 10% "try" and 90% "umph"! (Mop 63:47).
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146-153
Most of us fail all too often to express appreciation or comfort to those about us. As we must account for every idle word (Matthew 12:36-37), so must we account for every idle silence (Mop 78:80).
Praise loudly; blame softly. A pat on the back, though a few vertebrae removed from a kick in the pants, is miles ahead in results (Mop 104:23-24).
You never lose by emphasizing the positive, majoring on it, and by giving praise and commendation and encouragement! People are going to want to do better when they see how much faith you have in them and how sure you are that they can make it. If you're going to encourage them that much, they figure they must be doing good. And they'll want to keep doing good because they want to receive more encouragement and more praise! (ML #2649:20).
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154-159
An ounce of example is worth a pound of advice (Mop 114:17).
The Roman Senator was droning on about the calamities of the falling empire, when he noticed that everybody was going to sleep, so he stopped and started telling a story about a donkey. Immediately everybody woke up and started listening. Then suddenly he stopped right in the middle of the story, and went on talking about how Rome was falling down around their ears. And they all began to howl, "Finish the story about the donkey!" He looked at them gravely and said, "I was telling you about the collapse of our empire, and you'd rather hear a story about a donkey!" Well, that's just human nature; everybody loves a story, and Jesus and Paul and other great preachers loved to tell stories, because they always get folks' attention! (ML #55:68).
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160-164
People have got to have a role model, somebody who is a little ahead of them, at least, whom they can look up to (ML #2986:61).
Stories help to make sense of our lives. They also create a desire to be good. Plato, who thought long and hard about the subject of moral education, believed that children should be brought up in such a way that they would fall in love with virtue. And he thought that stories and histories were the key to sparking this desire. No amount of discussion or dialogue could compensate if that spark was missing.
Stories have always been an important way of transmitting values and wisdom. They become all the more important in a society that, like ours, has experienced so much disruption in the family and in the community.
Schools of the past did their part by explicit instruction in the importance of honesty, hard work, altruism, and patriotism, but also by presenting stories of virtue to children. The McGuffey Reader, which by 1919 had the largest circulation of any book except the Bible, contained readings from Aesop, Shakespeare, and the Bible, as well as stories about Lafayette, Washington, and Wilberforce (the Englishman who almost single-handedly brought an end to the slave trade). (Why Johnny Can't Tell Right From Wrong, by William K. Kilpatrick).
See also "Walking is Talking" from "Parents: Talk With Your Children," Raise 'em Right, pg.608-609.
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167-170
Look at everything, not with an "It can't be done" attitude, but with an attitude of "How can it be done?" (ML #2620:63).
The prisoner of limitation is the person who says, "It can't be done." According to the laws of aerodynamics, the bumblebee is unable to fly. This is because the size, the weight and the shape of the body, in relation to wingspread, makes flying impossible. But the bumblebee, being ignorant of the scientific truths, goes ahead and flies anyway (Good Thots, pg.1659, #517).
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181-188
Everyone likes to feel important. People are hungry for praise and starving for honest appreciation.--Dale Carnegie
"The whole of heraldry and chivalry," wrote Emerson, "is in courtesy." There is no characteristic of human nature that is as exchangeable as courtesy. You give it--it is returned to you--and the other person feels good. In contrast, to treat a person with disregard and discourtesy is to kindle their belligerence and hostility (How to Love, pg.10).
"I am proud of you" are five of the most precious words you can ever use to make another person feel important (Mop 104:11).
Almost everybody needs encouragement! Most people are not really conceited, but feel a certain amount of inferiority complex and tend to get a little discouraged with themselves. Therefore, encouragement is a very important thing!
Children thrive on praise! It's more important to praise a child for his good works and his good behavior than it is to scold him for his bad behavior. Always accentuate the positive! One of the worst things you can do is pick on every little fault, always belittling, nagging, henpecking!--And that will really break up marriages!
"Choose the good and eschew the evil" (1Peter 3:11). "Whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things!" (Philippians 4:8). That applies to your mate as well! Try to remind yourself constantly of his or her good qualities, the good things, and try not to think about the bad things (ML #997:3-5, DB1).
In marriage, with children, at work, in any association--an ounce of praise, of sincere appreciation of some act or attribute, can often do more than a ton of fault-finding. If we look for it we can usually find, in even the most unlikely, unlikeable and incapable person, something to commend and encourage. Doubtless it is a human frailty, but most of us, in the glow of feeling we have pleased, want to do more to please, and knowing we have done well, want to do better. (Marvellous Marriage, pg.523).
One little word, unspoken,
May seem too small to say;
But, somewhere, for that one word,
A heart may pray.
--Helen T. Allison (Good Thots, pg.1248, #54).
See also Marvellous Marriage, pg.378-380, on the role of praise in marriage.
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194-196
It's important to tell people when they've changed for the better, so that they will be encouraged. It's very important. It may make the difference between someone getting totally discouraged and giving up, or being encouraged and continuing to fight for the further changes they need in their lives (ML #3002:20,21).
When someone has started out on the right road and really has a desire to change and do well, but perhaps has a lot of bad habits that keep recurring, encouragement is probably the most important thing you can give them! They already know their problem, the people who are trying to help them know the problem, and because it's a bad habit, it just keeps cropping up again. So I think the best thing that you could do in such a case is to emphasize anything positive that you can find; either from that day or that week or anything recent you can find that's positive (ML #2649:5).
Praise is one of the most important parts of child training! It's far more important than scolding! It's more important to spend most of your time praising a child and encouraging him and thanking him and showing you appreciate'm, than constantly scolding'm for what he didn't do, or did do, or whatever! (ML #1398:61).
See also the section on "Gratefulness" in "For Better or For Best," and "How to Gain Your Husband's Appreciation and Praise" in "How to Become Your Husband's Best Friend," in Marvellous Marriage (pgs.102-104, 294-295). Plus "101 Ways to Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem," Raise 'em Right, pg.769-774.
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201
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10).
Rules without enforcement are no rules at all! (ML #1712:11).
See also "A Hug and a Kiss and a Kick In the Pants," Raise 'em Right, pg.22-48.
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202
The best kind of discipline should be in the form of training, something that will teach and help people to learn to avoid making the same mistake again (ML #606:53).
It's one thing to tell people off, but then you've got to give them some way of escape, some way out of it, offer them some hope, something positive--to get them on again! (Mop 104:22).
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205
Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning (Proverbs 9:9).
Whoso loveth instruction loveth knowledge: but he that hateth reproof is brutish (Proverbs 12:1).
Lots of times we don't tell people the truth of what we really think because we're afraid to hurt them and we want to save their feelings, whereas it would be better for them if we were just lovingly honest with them (Mop 104:84).
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207-209
You should strive to have good open relationships with people so that when you need to correct them it will be easier, because your communication while giving the correction will be an extension of the relationship you have already established. Building a relationship is a day-by-day thing, and it's not good if the only time you spend with someone is when you're correcting them.
To enable you to talk with someone on a personal basis, there has to be a certain amount of trust, communication and rapport built up. To get this, you have to have something invested in the relationship: Time spent discussing your work together or sharing lessons, time spent working together, fellowship time, etc. (FSM 177:57-58).
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210-215
Jesus was patient, loving, kind, sympathetic, and forgiving, often teaching His disciples the same thing over and over again till they got the point; sometimes a little aggravated with them, and bawling them out for their foolishness, pointing out their failures, but, nevertheless, always giving them another chance, always loving them, always leading them, and not pushing or driving them, and always feeding and encouraging them, and strengthening them, as His little lambs, so they would grow and learn and follow and be strong, to carry on when He was gone! (ML #58:25).
Be clear. Try straight talk. Don't just drop hints, as it may leave the person wondering what you're trying to tell them.
Most people appreciate it when you don't beat around the bush, but are straightforward and get to the point in a nice way.
Regular, on-the-spot, day-by-day correction is the most important kind of correction in the long run, because it nips problems in the bud before they turn into major problems.
If you need to correct someone, especially for a small offense or infraction, it's best to do so shortly after they've made the mistake. Don't wait too long.
Consistency in correction is very important. If you're consistent, it shows love and concern. People really appreciate it if you don't "stack up all the points" over a long period of time and then give them a real "whammer" of a talk. If people get corrected every time they need it at the right time and on a consistent basis, they will feel that they're getting what they need and that you're concerned about them and you love them. Moreover, the corrections will be much smaller ones more often, than serious ones less often.
By being consistent, you make it easier for people to receive correction because they're accustomed to it and they know it's not something that they need to worry about (FSM 177:42,43,51,52,47,48).
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216-219
Industrialist Charles Schwab once said, "The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel."--Dale Carnegie.
And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works (Hebrews 10:24).
See also "Siblings Without Rivalry," Raise 'em Right, pg.58-74.
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220-221
I think one of the best exercises that we can do is to compare ourselves with others from time to time!--Not in the way we usually think of comparing ourselves, that's negative, but to compare ourselves favorably with others who are much worse off than we are, and to count our blessings when we see others who are suffering greater hardships than we are.
Whenever we are tempted to complain about whatever our problems are, it's very easy to find others with much greater problems than ours. And if we take the time for this little exercise in comparison, without exception we come out feeling much better and very happy and thankful for all our blessings! (ML #2621:52, 53).
Keep your eyes open for a man whom your husband respects. If that man treats his wife the way you want to be treated, then try to spend more time with the couple so your husband can benefit from his example. However, never push your husband to change by comparing him to the other man. Believe me, your husband is much more likely to change as he notices his friend's living example ("For Better or For Best," Marvellous Marriage, pg.122).
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222-227
Even the very meekest of men (Moses), as he was sometimes called, could lose his temper in righteous indignation, and when the occasion demanded it, he could fight for the rights of the poor and the oppressed! He never seemed to fight for himself, but he fought for others! (ML #1147:14).
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228-230
I like to shock people, challenge them, stir them up, arouse them, awaken them out of their lethargy, cause them to explode over what I've said!--Make'm mad, sad or glad! (Mop 109:16).
I figure that if I shock you with the opposite extreme, it may wake you up enough to at least come halfway! (Mop 109:8).
See also pg.608-611 of Treasures on righteous anger.
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231-235
The Lord will probably give part of [an idea] to you and part of it to someone else, so that it will be a team effort and no one person will get the credit, but the Lord will have used several folks. He really enjoys doing things that way--working through us all together to accomplish His purpose (ML #2994:14).
A responsible leader needs to constantly try to draw out and use what the Lord shows his underleaders. It should be constantly emphasized that the work that we have to do for the Lord requires a team effort, all of us working together in unity, and that everyone's prayerful contributions are important and necessary.
A senior member must constantly emphasize to his team members that he wants to hear from them. Furthermore, he must not only constantly try to draw them out, but handle what may at first be their rather timid suggestions gently and respectfully, never demeaning or belittling them, but always welcoming them, and never showing any sign of sensitivity or annoyance if it contradicts what the senior member happens to believe is the right way to look at things. If you really want to have counselors, you have to prove it by pulling out the counsel and then welcoming it, not only once but consistently, over and over (ML #2623:81,82).
Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).
There's something about the power of the spirit of two people. God's dynamics of the Spirit really operate amazingly! The Lord says, "When one can only chase a thousand, two can put ten thousand to flight" (Deuteronomy 32:30) (Mop 138:49).
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236
We all need to belong to something, to feel like we're part of something. God put that in our hearts: to be a team, to belong to each other, to be a family, to be related, to have fellowship, communication, and communion (ML #1398:88).
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237-243
Don't change horses in the middle of the stream. If the machine's running okay, keep it running. You don't have to change things that don't need to be changed. You know the old prayer, "God help me to change the things that need to be changed, and not to change the things that don't need to be changed, and especially, Lord, help me to know the difference!" (ML #675:37,38).
The model for the world our kids will build, their vision for tomorrow, largely depends on how they see us as parents and how we raise them today. What an awesome responsibility!
It takes teamwork and team leadership. Raising positive kids is best done as a team effort, and since the family is truly a unit, it functions more effectively as a team. Families working together can accomplish more than they can as individuals. ("Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World," Raise 'em Right, pg.12)
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244-247
H. Gordon Selfridge built up one of the world's largest department stores in London. He achieved success by being a leader, not a boss. Here is his own comparison of the two types of executives:
The boss drives his men; the leader coaches them.
The boss depends upon authority; the leader on good will.
The boss inspires fear; the leader inspires enthusiasm.
The boss says "I"; the leader, "we."
The boss knows how it is done; the leader shows how.
The boss says "Go"; the leader says "Let's go!"
(Good Thots, pg.1440, #57).
There should be no schism in the body; but the members should have the same care one for another. And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honored, all the members rejoice with it (1 Corinthians 12:25-26).
It takes a small man, insecure in his authority, to keep insisting on respect, loyalty and obedience, instead of inspiring it voluntarily in his followers' hearts by his own loving and considerate example (Mop 72:7).
The greatest leaders the world has ever known won their followers through personal love and loyalty either to themselves or their cause, or both! The greatest shepherds called their sheep to follow where they themselves were going, and called them with a voice of love and persuasion.... They should be following because they love you, know you're right, know you love them, and are doing it for their sake and their good and to please the great Shepherd of all, and because they therefore want to! (ML #156C:16, DB5).
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248-250
Avoid favoritism. If you show partiality to those you're close to and let them get away with things, then your effectiveness in correcting others will be lost as they'll be confused as to why you're correcting them and not your "pets" (FSM 177:181).
Are you inclined to be too easy on people because you want them to be easy on you? Do you let them get away with more than you should? That's not fair to them--or yourself! (Mop 72:149).
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251-256
Often, in order to handle the huge volume of work that we're faced with, we seek the most efficient way to do things. While this may be necessary, it has some drawbacks. If we go to the extreme in seeking efficiency, our contact with others can become a little cold and mechanical. Or our Homes can become a little too "perfect" with all the schedules and rules and the need to "keep the standard," so that ... people are just going through the motions without real communication, inspiration, unity and joy of the Lord. Efficiency is important, because otherwise there would be chaos, but we just have to watch that with all our planning, practicality and productivity, we don't lose the value of the individual, the personal touch! What is most important is that the individual feels the touch of love and personal concern. "The good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep" (John 10:11). (FSM 234, pg.4).
You may do your work well, but if you haven't learned to work with others and how to love them and how to treat them, then you're missing the major lesson of why we're here in the first place! We need to learn to love people and how to take care of them and how to keep them happy. We need to learn that people are different and we can't treat them all the same. Jesus Himself was very mindful of human weaknesses and didn't require the same kind of behavior from everyone or that the same treatment be used with everyone (ML #1793:4).
You cannot neglect the seemingly more insignificant phases of your operation, not even one tiny member of the body, or the whole body will suffer.
We should never become so swamped in statistics that we lose an appreciation of the value of the individual (Mop 1:88, 89).
A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men (Mop 72:85).
The most highly organized kingdoms this world has ever known, with the strongest and most centralized and dictatorial forms of government and leadership, with the widest expanse of territorial coverage, such as the various empires this world has known, although they have sometimes lasted for hundreds of years, have all eventually crumbled and fallen, or been destroyed by others! Why? Was it poor leadership, poor organization, poor unification, poor loyalty, poor instruction, poor control? I suspect that perhaps their gigantic size, great strength and dictatorial control was a part of their weakness, which brought on such impersonalization, such remote control, that they lost the personal touch completely, lost the loyalty of their lowliest subjects, lost communication and identification with the grass roots, got out of touch with the masses, and no longer had their fingers on the intimate pulse of each individual, and his basic morale (ML #61:43).
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257-259
In some religions the sadder you are, the more religious you are. But we consider that you're not very spiritual unless you're happy, victorious and joyful (Mop 52:67).
We all need a good sense of humor! "A merry heart doeth good like medicine!" (Proverbs 17:22). God created us with a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at things that are funny. So I'm sure He Himself has a sense of humor, especially when I look at some of the things and people He has created and the funny situations He lets them get into. The ability to laugh at yourself and your own silly mistakes is a great asset and helps keep you humble. But he who can't laugh at his own mistakes or take the mistakes of others with a sense of humor either has too much pride or too severe a sense of life, God intended for us to enjoy living and He has given us the ability, the senses and the environment to enjoy it, including Himself, and our main purpose in life, as Martin Luther said, is "to love God and enjoy Him forever!" And I might add, to help others enjoy life by helping them to do the same by telling them of God's love (ML #159:3,5).
Creativity requires playfulness--the toying with things, words, ideas, people. People who are afraid to play, who think they'll look silly, who feel guilty about having fun, rarely come up with something new, contends Bill Morehead, a product planner who has studied innovation for Xerox. ("How to Encourage Creativity," by John Gerstner).
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260
Change is one of the seven basic needs of human happiness! Variety is the spice of life! (Mop 7:68).
More fellowship and better communication often act as solutions in themselves (Mop 36:11).
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266-267
General rules for handling resistance:
1. Watch your language. Don't use words that dictate to people what they have to do. They don't like to be forced or ordered to do things.
2. Be likeable. It's difficult to resist someone you like. On the other hand, resistance comes almost automatically to someone you don't like.
3. Avoid arguing, fighting, or hostility in your voice or behavior.
4. Don't make the other person wrong.
5. Don't be afraid to lose to win. Perhaps 50 to 80% of all objections, resistance and opposition that comes up in a relationship can be handled effectively by letting it be expressed and forgetting it.
6. Use patience, ask questions and listen. By far the most valuable utensils in neutralizing resistance are asking questions and listening. This takes patience. Many times people resist because they simply need more time to make a decision on their own.
7. Pay a compliment. A word of praise or a compliment, even about the objection itself, can replace thoughts of resistance with thoughts of agreement. (How to Love, pg.14).
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268
Show a real calm attitude, no fear, but relaxation, and soothe everybody's nerves and fluttered feelings with your calm voice and your steady prayer and your reassurances, and it will sort of soothe their ruffled feathers (Mop 104:91).
Any general who doesn't listen to his officers and doesn't pay any attention to his men is going to be in trouble! (Mop 72:61).
Be first a problem preventer, so you won't have to be a problem solver (Mop 72:84).
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269
Ye shall not respect persons in judgment; but ye shall hear the small as well as the great; ye shall not be afraid of the face of man; for the judgment is God's: and the cause that is too hard for you, bring it unto Me, and I will hear it (Deuteronomy 1:17).
A leader must realize there are two sides to every story and that he must listen to both sides (Mop 104:67).
There are many sides to almost every story. You can never get the full picture from just one party to the problem (Mop 104:46).
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270-271
Don't just take people's word for it; investigate yourself when there's trouble. As a leader, it's your business to get nosy and to poke and probe and question and find out what the problem is! (Mop 72:110).
My mother always tried to speak well of people. She was one of those people who cast a veil over countless sins. But sad to say, a lot of people are like billy-goats, they're always "butting"! If you say anything good about somebody they'll say, "Yes, but, yes, but ... you ought to know them," and "Yes, but you ought to see so-and-so," "Yes, but you should have heard what I heard!"
But if my mother heard criticism and she heard someone being maligned, she'd always try to "but" just the other way. She'd say, "Yes, but you know he is a good man, he's faithful." "Yes, but he tried his best, he's doing the best he can!"
Try to have a little sympathy, a little empathy with others. Put yourself in their shoes and try to think how you would feel if you were there. Remember that Scripture, "Love covereth a multitude of sins!" (1Peter 4:8). All that some people can see is the button off the vest, instead of the beautiful necktie! They're always seeing the hole instead of the doughnut! How much better to have sympathy, love and compassion, to "bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the Law of Christ!" (Galatians 6:2) (ML #2140:115-117).
See also "How to Confront Difficult Personalities," How to Love, pg.159.
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274
Most of the great decisions that I have made in my life as a leader have been lonely decisions where only I and God stood together (Mop 10:1).
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276-278
Pioneers must have the vision to see what no one else can see, the faith to believe things no one else believes, the initiative to be the first to try it, and the courage and the guts to see it through! (Mop 94:1).
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279-281
Thank God for a little craziness from God, something different, something new, something a bit crazy, new initiative, and the people with the courage, faith and vision to see it through! (Mop 94:30).
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282-291
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver (Proverbs 25:11).
Every great world leader, every great man, was a fanatic that some people hated and some people adored (Mop 72:118).
Nearly every great religious leader, reformer and revolutionary suffered imprisonment and death, too often at the hands of the very people he was trying to save (Mop 92:84).
At my first defense no one stood with me, but all forsook me.... But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me, so that the message might be preached fully through me, and that all the Gentiles might hear. And I was delivered out of the mouth of the lion (2 Timothy 4:16-17, NKJ).
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292-294
People are persuaded more by the depth of your conviction than by the height of your logic, more by your own enthusiasm than by any proof you can offer.--Dale Carnegie
You have got to have that compulsion that you just have to make progress and keep moving, that you'd rather die for something than live for nothing. "You've got to have a glory in the thing you do, an everlasting glory that'll carry you through!" (Mop 63:16,33).
How do you acquire enthusiasm? By forcing yourself to act enthusiastic! Resolve to double the amount of enthusiasm you've been putting into your work and your life! Enthusiasm isn't merely an outward expression. Once you begin to acquire it, enthusiasm works constantly within you. You may be sitting quietly in your home ... that idea begins to develop ... finally, you become consumed with enthusiasm, and nothing can stop you! ("How I Raised Myself from Failure to Success in Selling," by Frank Bettger, How to Love, pg.322).
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295-296
Somebody once said, "You are what you read." It's like the old saying about health: "You are what you eat," physically. Well, you are what you read, mentally and spiritually.
How can you say you're seeking first the Kingdom of God if you spend most of your time reading books other than the Word of God? You are what you read and what you're hungry for, so be sure you're getting your right spiritual food (ML #775:1-2).
He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer for it (Proverbs 13:20, NKJ).
Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh (Matthew 12:34b).
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life (Proverbs 4:23).
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297-301
By love serve one another (Galatians 5:13).
Whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give His life a ransom for many (Mark 10:43-45).
If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet (John 13:14).
You'll always get enough love if you give enough love. It's a two-way street! (Mop 78:33).
Great leaders are usually the humblest of all people, willing to do anything, and really don't feel worthy of their great responsibility at all (Mop 72:1).
Every good leader is the servant of his people (Mop 72:73).
Most of the greatest saints were little people who just did what they thought should be done, without you hearing about it or even knowing they were around! But they were always around when you needed them (Mop 73:10).
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302
Every one of you should be training two or three other people to do your job, sharing your secrets and formulas with them, teaching them how to cook your old treasured recipes and concoct your special potions. "He that withholdeth, it tendeth to poverty, and there is that scattereth abroad, yet increaseth" (Proverbs 11:24). If you hold work back from others, if you withhold on-the-job training, if you're afraid to give them responsibility for fear they'll learn your job and oust you, you ought to be ousted, because this is a clinic, to learn by doing, and to teach others to teach others to take their place! (ML #60:59).
You're supposed to be an improvement on the stock, and you should expect your understudies, subordinates, or students to do even better! (ML #106:1).
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303
Whatever you do, make sure you do it with the right motivation: because you want to serve the Lord and win others to His Kingdom. If you believe that God's highest calling is to "go into all the world and preach the Gospel to every creature," if that's your motivation and that's what you really want to do--or make it possible for others to do--if you're "seeking first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness," the Lord will bless it and He'll be with you and help you! Let's work together for His glory! (ML #1965:76).
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307
God give us men! A time like this demands
Strong minds, great hearts, true faith and ready hands!
Men whom the lust of office does not kill,
Men whom the spoils of office cannot buy,
Men who possess opinions and a will,
Men who love honor, men who do not lie (Mop 72:90).
Notes and additional references:
[End]